


The Love That Remains

by lullys



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Drama, Drug Withdrawal, Fluff and Angst, Homelessness, Homophobia, Hurt Jared, Hurt Jensen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Permanent Injury, Physical Disability, Supernatural and J2 Big Bang Challenge, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-06-08 22:37:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 108,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6876805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullys/pseuds/lullys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s a story about loss. About an 11 year old boy who falls in love with a boy with blue hair at a summer camp. This is a story about how both boys part ways too soon, but change each other’s lives forever. This is a story about dreams.</p><p>About how, years later, a guy meets a homeless man, is drawn to him in a way he can’t explain, and feels an inexplicable need to help him. A story about how the heart knows, even when the eyes don’t. This is a story about destiny.</p><p>There’s a boy named Jared and there’s another named Jensen, and this is their story. How they lost and found each other, and how they must battle their inner demons, have faith in themselves and in one another. This is the story about two boys fighting to finally have the happy ending they’ve been dreaming about their entire lives, and to find their own definition of happiness. It’s a story about love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, thank you for reading my story! I'll talk more about it at the notes in the end of it. For now, I'm just gonna say I really hope you enjoy it like I do!
> 
> a note before warnings: I want to say that, even though it has a lot of warnings, this fic is kinda light overall, there's nothing too graphic, so if you don't have any triggers, I'd like to ask you to skip the warnings, because they spoil the story a great deal, so I think it would be way nicer to go for it while in the dark. It's up to you!
> 
> Warnings: drama, homophobia, intolerant family, coming out, teen angst, drug addiction and withdrawal symptoms, suicide attempt, first time, religious issues, faith, hurt!Jensen, hurt!Jared, hurt/comfort, permanent injury, gunpoint, kidnapping, non-con, mention of minor character death, lots of romance
> 
>  Thanks to my betas [Kaz](http://lipglosskaz.tumblr.com/) and [Karri](http://buticancarryyou.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Soundtrack on 8track](https://8tracks.com/lullys/the-love-that-remains-soundtrack) and [Youtube ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6_jFN9aavogD2hx0YrKz1YiD5xbe3g9l)
> 
> [Link to artpost](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7080535)
> 
>  All the feedback is highly appreciated, I'd love nothing more than to hear your thoughts about it!

  _ **Saudade** is a Portuguese and Galician word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which has been lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never really return. _ _It was once described as “the love that remains” or “the love that stays” after someone is gone._

* * *

 

**PART ONE - _I can’t get you out of my head_**

 

**12 Years Ago - 1994**

“Momma, I don’t wanna go!”, Jared whines as he walks alongside his mother through the crowd at the bus station, his smaller hand holding Sherri’s on a death grip, his hazel eyes shining with tears he’s fighting so hard to hold back. He’s not a baby anymore, he won’t go there. He is scared, though.

His mother soon locates the bus they’re looking for, the one with _Camp Water Mill_ written on it, and points to it so Jared can see it too.

“Look J.T., this is you!”

Jared groans when he spots countless kids and teenagers near the bus, either saying goodbye to their families, loading their luggage on the bus or catching up with fellow campers they probably haven’t seen for a year.

“Momma…” Jared starts, but Sherri crouches down in front of her son and places a hand on his shoulder. “I know it’s hard for you baby, it’s your first time away from home and us. But I promise it will be fun. I want you to make friends and also start to learn how to be more independent. You are a big boy now, and it’s time. I’m sure you’ll have the time of your life there baby, and by the time this month ends, you’ll wish you could stay more.”

Jared pouts. “Doubt it. I don’t get why I can’t stay home like Jeff.”

Sherri just smiles at him. “Well, you know that Jeff will be helping pastor Jim at the church during the summer, so it’s not like he will be home doing nothing.” She gets up, grabs Jared’s hand with one hand, his suitcase handle with the other, and they walk towards the bus together. They find who appears to be the person in charge, and Sherri gives the lady Jared’s name. She turns to Jared and smiles at him.

“Hello, Jared! I’m Sam, and I’m guessing you’re a first timer?” Jared shyly nods. “Well, I’m positive you’re gonna have so much fun at Camp Water Mill! There will be a lot of kids your age, so you’ll make tons of friends!”

Jared instantly likes Sam, there’s this good vibe coming from her, so he feels a little bit more at ease. Sam shows Sherri where to put Jared’s luggage, and after that’s taken care of, it’s time to say goodbye. Jared doesn’t want to cry, but it’s hard to think that he will be spending a whole month without his family.. He can do this, though. He will show his momma he’s a big boy, not a baby anymore. Sherri hugs him goodbye and Jared holds her tight.

“I’ll miss you momma.” Jared feels proud for getting the few words out without his voice cracking.

“I’ll miss you too, baby. But soon you won’t even remember us, I promise! Just go and have fun, and whatever you need, have them call us, okay?” Sherri plants a kiss on Jared’s cheek, who tries to pretend he’s annoyed by the public show of affection (he’s already 11!), but secretly he doesn’t wanna let go of his momma.

Jared gets on the bus, and with a final glance at his mom, he walks down the aisle, trying to find himself an empty seat. There’s one at the back of the bus, with only a blonde kid occupying the window seat.

“Hey, is this seat taken?” Jared quietly asks.

The kid looks up from the gameboy he’s playing. “Nah, go ahead.”

Jared sits down and places his backpack under his seat, then turns to the kid. “Hey, I’m J.T.!”

The kid smiles for the first time and Jared feels a bit better. “Hey J.T., I’m Chad. So, it’s your first time at the camp too?”

Jared can’t help but being happy that he has found someone else who has never been there before, so he smiles back. “It is. Mom thinks I’m too shy so she’s hoping I’ll make new friends.”

Chad’s smile grows wider. “Awesome!”

Jared eyes the gameboy in his hand. “What are you playing there?”

And that’s how Jared makes his first friend, even before getting to the camp.

Three hours later they arrive at Camp Water Mill. Jared and Chad had bonded pretty well during the ride, Chad shared his gameboy with Jared, and Jared shared the snacks his momma had packed for him. They talked about school and their families, and how they imagine the camp would be like. Jared is relieved he at least knows someone already. Things had started better than he thought.

They get off the bus and are greeted by a couple of counselors.

“Hey guys!!” The one who looks older shouts at the group. “If you’re here for the first time, welcome to Camp Water Mill. If you’re old news, welcome back! I’m Rick and this is Karri, we’ll probably be spending some time together! Now, if you’ll follow me, we will get you to the lobby so you can be assigned to your cabins, and after you’re settled, we’re gonna show the camp around to the first timers.”

They all arrive at the lobby and Jared silently prays he ends up in the same cabin as Chad, so he will have his buddy with him. Luckily, they are put in the same cabin since they are the same age, and Chad smiles at him when their names are called.

Chad, Jared and a handful of other boys are taken by another counselor to their cabin. When they get to the front of it, the counselor turns around to face them.

“Hello boys, I’m Matthew, call me Matt, and I’ll be the one responsible for your cabin. Anything you need, please let me know. Your luggage is already in there, and you are the first ones here, meaning you get to pick the first beds. So go inside and don’t kill each other for the best bunk!”

Chad hurries inside with Jared in tow, and they end up choosing two bunks pushed up alongside the back wall of the cabin, so their heads are close and they can talk before bed time. They pick the top bunk because of course it’s way cooler. There’s a window right beside Jared’s head on the wall and he enjoys the view.

After getting settled, Matt calls the boys to go to the cafeteria for lunch. Jared hadn’t even realized how hungry he is. After eating, they spend most of the afternoon on a tour through the camp with Matt, while other campers arrive by buses from other cities or with their parents. The camp is huge, there’s a big lake with a lot of water activities, rec fields, basketball and volleyball courts, horse stables, room for art crafts, and so on. Jared is actually excited when he sees everything, he’s starting to feel more at ease now that he’s not facing the big unknown anymore. And everybody seems pretty nice, so he thinks he may even survive this month.

Matt takes the boys back to the cabin so they can relax a bit and get cleaned up before dinner, and while they wait for the last campers to arrive.

Jared takes a quick shower, grabs his backpack and climbs onto his bed. While he waits for Chad he takes a notebook out of it and starts scribbling on it. Jared likes to write stuff down, it’s so not a diary because he’s so not a girl, but he does it anyway, he enjoys documenting stuff, maybe when he’s older it will be fun to read his thoughts as a teenager.

_June 30th, 1994_

_Today I arrived at Camp Water Mill._

Jared writes about his first day at the camp so far, how scared he was about coming here, how it’s not as scary as it seemed, how his new friend Chad is very cool, and how he hopes to meet even more cool people.

He glances out of the window and he sees that a new bus has arrived. Some kids and teens are getting out and he distracts himself watching them.

It’s the first time Jared sees him.

The boy is the last to get off the bus, and Jared just stares at him. He is probably 15 or 16 years old. Jared watches him greeting a counselor like they’re old buddies, and start chatting away. From where Jared is, he can see that the boy has spiked blue hair and is wearing some funny clothes. He can’t see his face very well, but Jared thinks the boy must be cool. Way cooler than him. Without thinking, Jared grabs his pen again and writes down another sentence on his notebook.

_A boy with blue hair just arrived at the camp._

Chad is out of the shower and climbs on his bed, startling Jared who quickly closes his notebook and averts his eyes from the window where he has been watching the boy talking to a group of people.

“What you’re writing J.T.? You got a journal there?” Chad waggles his eyebrows at him.

Jared rolls his eyes at him but tries to hide the fact that his cheeks have just turned a shade of pink. “It’s not a journal okay? I just happen to enjoy… writing stuff sometimes, so what?”

Chad just shrugs. “Sounds like the definition of a journal to me! But hey, if that’s your thing, go for it friend!”

Jared just shoves the notebook back into his backpack and throws a quick glance out of the window before climbing down the bunk, but the boy with the blue hair is gone.

The boys wait in the cabin until everyone has showered and dressed, and then they head out with Matt towards the cafeteria for dinner.

When they get there, the place is crowded, it seems like there are like a thousand people eating, walking around, getting food, catching up, looking for friends. Jared feels like he’s in a zoo. He steps closer to Matt, trembling slightly, he feels like a toddler but he doesn’t care, if he gets lost here he doubts he can even find the exit.

They all get their food trays and head to their assigned table. Jared tries to look around hoping he can spot the boy with blue hair, but he has no such luck, it’s impossible to see anything in all that mess going on. Jared eventually gives up on trying to spot the boy, and finishes eating his dinner while talking to the other boys from his cabin and hopefully trying to make new friends, after all that’s why his momma sent him here, wasn’t it?

After everybody has finished dinner (and Jared found it pretty good), Sam takes a mic and tells everybody they need to go to their rooms, grab a flashlight, and then head along with their respective counselor to the soccer field where they will be separated into teams for a night activity. They will get more directions when they arrive at the field. Jared and the other boys get excited with the idea of a activity around the camp, especially in the dark, it’s gonna be Jared’s first time in one of those and he just can’t wait.

The crowd leaves the cafeteria and Matt leads them back to the cabin, Chad bouncing by Jared’s side.

“Dude, what do you think the activity will be about? You think we’re gonna have to hunt something?”

Jared thinks for a second, his eyes serious. “I don’t know dude, never been in one of those before… I hope so though, it would be totally cool!”

They reach the cabin and Jared grabs his brand new flashlight from his suitcase and checks to see if it’s working. He decides to put on a light jacket over his small shoulders, assuming they will be walking around camp and it will probably be a bit cold.

Once everyone is set, Matt leads them to the field where most of the campers are already waiting. Chad and Jared sit side by side, swinging their legs excitedly, still coming up with theories of what the activity will be about. They wait for around ten minutes until everyone is finally at the field. One of the counselors climbs on the bleachers with a mic in hand and turns to them.

“Good evening folks! For the first timers, welcome to Camp Water Mill! And to the old faces, welcome back! I’m sure we will spend the best summer ever together!”

Jared can’t help a small smile spread across his face. He hopes the guy is right.

“After a great dinner I will let you know how tonight will work for those who don’t know it yet. We will be separating you all into 10 teams. Until our time here is over, you’ll be doing some activities with your team, and every time you win, you get points. By the end of our stay, the team with most points wins, obviously. You guys can pick a name for the team and a leader. For tonight’s activity, you will have to explore the camp and find 5 indians. Each indian will give you a map piece. When you have all five, put the map together and find the lost shaman. Give your map to the shaman and he shall give you a dreamcatcher. The first team that gets it and brings it over here, wins tonight’s activity.”

Jared and Chad look at each other with excited faces.

“Dude, that sounds so cool! Can’t wait to start!” Chad is practically bouncing up and down.

“What are the chances we end up on the same team?” But before Chad can say anything, the counselor starts talking again.

“To divide the teams, your counselor will assign you all with numbers, from 1 to 10. When you get yours, go sit by your respective number over there.”

Jared looks at the direction the guy points to, where other counselors are holding big papers with numbers on them, spread around the other end of the field. The counselors start sorting the campers into numbers, and everybody begins to get up and sit at the other side of the field. Jared has to wait a while until Matt reaches him, and when he does, he assigns Chad to team 5. Since Jared is sitting right beside his new friend, he knows it’s almost impossible to be assigned to the same team. Predictable enough, Jared ends up on team 6 and with no friends there. Just awesome. Chad and Jared slowly walk towards the numbers, and Jared sulkily goes to where the counselor is holding a big 6. He sits down wishing there was someone from his own cabin in his team, at least he will have someone to talk to. He takes a look at some of his teammates and they all look older than him. Great, he will probably be the dumb little kid nobody pays attention to.

Jared lowers his head hoping nobody will mind him when he hears it.

“Hey!”

Jared turns his head to the direction of where the voice came from, peers through his hair and then he spots who just talked to him.

It’s the blue-haired boy.

“Welcome to our team dude!”

The boy is smiling at him, he is looking at him and smiling and Jared can do nothing more than stare at him open-mouthed. Jared had only seen the boy from afar and had been curious, but now he can finally take a closer look at him. Obviously, the boy has blue hair, Jared can’t make the natural color of his locks but he actually kinda likes the blue dye. His eyes are black, so black that he can’t even see the iris, and the boy also has freckles scattered across his tanned cheeks and pierced nose. Jared can also see another piercing on his left eyebrow, and he thinks it’s really rad.

Jared is somewhat hypnotized by the boy, he doesn’t know what exactly he’s feeling, but he just can’t take his eyes off him. He just feels… something. He doesn’t know if a second or 10 hours passes, Jared just looks at him in awe and he can’t seem to look away.

Eventually a thought penetrates the fog in his mind and Jared realizes the boy is still looking at him expectantly, and his brain manages to tell him he might still be waiting for Jared to reply.

The young boy blinks a few times to clear his head and forces his mouth to open, managing to stutter a quiet “thanks” to the boy before lowering his gaze because he’s _that_ shy.

Thankfully, a couple other campers approach their little group and the boy gets distracted waving them over. They sit down and the boy welcomes them as well, and Jared takes his time to look at the blue haired boy a little more. He’s still talking to the new additions to their team, Jared just can’t get enough of looking at this boy and he has no idea why.

When their team is complete, the boy addresses all of them.

“Hey guys, welcome to our team! We’re gonna kick everybody’s ass as usual and we’re gonna be the best team of the camp. Also, modesty is our motto.”

Everybody laughs and Jared can’t help but smile at him. The boy catches Jared’s eyes and smiles at him again, and the only thing Jared can do is avert his eyes, as if he was just caught staring. God, he’s so lame.

The boy goes on. “Since we’re a great team, we’re gonna need a great name too, so let’s hear everyone’s ideas.”

They all start to talk at the same time, but Jared keeps quiet, he doesn’t have any good ideas and he’s happy just listening to everybody else and secretly looking at the blue-haired boy.

After a lot of discussion (not so much from Jared’s part though), it’s decided that the name for their team will be ‘The Milkshake Demons’, which is weird but Jared actually loves it. Everyone also agrees that Blue-Haired Boy should be the team leader, Jared half expected that already, he is a natural apparently.

After all the teams have chosen their names, the leader of each one says the names out loud, and Jared thinks theirs is the best by far. A picture of each team is taken, Sam had announced earlier that there would be a photographer around during a few days to take pictures at the camp. Jared’s whole team poses for the photographer when he approaches them, and since Jared is right beside the boy with blue hair, the older boy puts an arm around his little shoulders and smiles for the camera. Jared thinks he never looked happier in a photograph in his life.

When all the pictures are taken, they are all sent to walk around the camp and find the indians.

They manage to find 4 indians in 30 minutes, and apparently that’s fast. They overhear the other teams saying they only found 2, or 3. The team pretty much owes it to Blue-Haired Boy and a couple of friends of his, it’s obvious to Jared that they are very used to it and know where to look. Jared stays out of the way most of the time, just running after them and exchanging a few words with some other members from the team. But even though they are fast, it seems impossible to find the last indian, because it’s nowhere to be found. Their worry escalates when they learn that another team has also found 4 indians, so whoever finds the final indian first, is likely gonna win the game.

They walk around for about 20 minutes, and everyone is starting to get seriously worried, Jared can see Blue-Haired Boy frantically looking everywhere and he mostly keeps out of the way, walking behind his group. They are passing by the cafeteria, and Jared is looking around, mostly to see if it seems any other team is finished, when he takes a quick glance at the back of the cafeteria and then he sees it.

A blue warbonnet quickly disappears behind the back wall, and he’s sure they haven’t found an indian here yet. Jared’s heart starts beating fast, his team is already walking away and he’s about to shout when he notices another team nearby, and they clearly haven’t seen the indian, so he runs towards his own members, stopping in front of Blue-Haired Boy and his friends, and talks hurriedly, forgetting his shyness towards the older boy momentarily.

“I just saw an indian behind the cafeteria, and I don’t think anyone else has found him yet, let’s go, fast!”

The boy stares at Jared for a fraction of a second before he’s running back to the cafeteria, the whole team behind him, and sure enough they find the last indian hidden in a dark corner. The indian gives them the last piece of the map, and the older boys hurry to put it together. When it’s complete, they study it and go after the shaman. They walk for about 15 minutes and finally locate the man on top of a hill. They still don’t know if they are the first team to arrive.

Blue-Haired Boy hands the map to the shaman, who studies it for a second. The whole group waits expectantly, and watch in awe as the shaman takes a brown dreamcatcher, with green, blue, red and purple feathers and a small crystal hanging from it, out of his clothes and hands it to Blue-Haired Boy.

The team quickly thanks the shaman and runs down the hill towards the field, all shouting excitedly so everyone knows they’ve won even before handing the dreamcatcher.

They eventually reach the counselors that are waiting for the winning team, and hand them the item. One of them grabs a mic and announces on the sound system that the hunt must stop immediately, the Milkshake Demons are the winners. The whole group shouts and goes for a group hug, some hands pat Jared’s head, congratulating him for finding the last indian. Jared feels really happy for having helped his team, and he realizes he can’t wait for more of that, he really had fun tonight.

After the other teams arrive at the field the activity is officially finished, and all the campers are sent to the cafeteria for a snack before going to bed. Jared locates Chad, who tells him his team found only 2 indians and that they suck. Jared laughs and brags about how he was the one to find the last indian and got them to win the game. Chad calls him a showoff and they arrive at the cafeteria. Both boys grab some cookies and orange juice and go sit down with other boys from their cabin. When everyone is finished, the counselors call it a night and send everyone to bed.

Jared heads out of the cafeteria with his cabinmates, and as they start to walk away, he feels someone touching his arm. When he turns around, his brown eyes go impossibly wide because it’s none other than the Blue-Haired Boy.

“H-hey…” Jared manages to stutter, and Jesus Christ, why does he get so nervous around this dude?

“Hey!” The boy smiles at him, and Jared finds himself automatically smiling back as he feels something tingle inside of him. The boy goes on. “I just wanted to say you did a great job back there! If it wasn’t for you, we probably wouldn’t have found the last indian.”

Jared blushes at that. “It was nothing, I just saw him and thought we hadn’t found that one yet…”

“Yes, exactly! Good move there! Is it your first time here at the camp? I don’t remember seeing you here before.”

Jared manages to blush even harder when those eyes stare expectantly at him.

“Yeah, it’s my first time… my mom thought I should come and make friends and stuff.”

The boy smiles again and offers him his hand. “Well, here’s one then. I’m Jack.”

Jack. The boy with blue hair finally has a name and Jared likes it. And if Jared isn’t mistaken, he offered to be his _friend_. He can’t help but smile back again as he shakes _Jack’s_ hand. His hand is soft but his grip is strong, and the minute Jared touches it, it’s like an electrical shock is running up his arm. He blinks a few times before answering.

“Nice to meet you Jack. I’m J.T.”

Jack lets go of Jared’s hand and gives him an apologetic look. “I guess I kept you for too long, looks like your friends have left you behind.”

Jared looks behind him and true enough, Chad and the others are almost at the cabin by now. That’s nice, now he will have to walk there alone. Not that he minds it much, it was worth it.

But Jack pats his shoulder to get him in motion. “Come on, you got delayed because of me so it’s only fair I walk with you to your cabin. It’s halfway towards mine anyways.”

Jared gives him a small smile as they start walking.

“So J.T. tell me, are you enjoying the camp?” Jack asks, turning his head towards Jared.

“It’s pretty cool so far.” Jared shrugs. “I wasn’t sure before coming here because I didn’t know anybody, but everyone has been nice and I had a great time today, so I can’t complain really.”

Jack gives him that smile again. “That’s great! You’re gonna love it, I promise! Today was only the beginning, there’s much more to come and by the end you won’t want to leave, I assure you. Plus, you ended up on the best team in the camp, that alone is a high honor!”

Jack playfully punches Jared’s shoulder as he laughs, they reach Jared’s cabin and he thanks Jack for walking down there with him.

“No problem J.T., as I said, it’s halfway to my own. I advise you to get a good night’s sleep because tomorrow will be a busy day. I hope you keep helping us to win the activities! Good night dude!”

Jack walks away and Jared can’t help but keep looking at him until the boy disappears from view. His heart is beating a mile a minute because the Blue-Haired Boy - _Jack_ \- talked to him, better yet, walked him to his cabin, and he knows his name now and he will see him again tomorrow. He just can’t wait.

Jared walks inside and Chad wants to know who he was talking to. Jared just tells him a guy from his team wanted a word with him, he’s not feeling like sharing much. All the boys are talking excitedly about the first activity and some want Jared to tell them how his team found the indians and the shaman and managed to win the game. Jared briefly tells them while he changes into his pajamas and brushes his teeth. Everyone slowly settles down for the night, and Jared climbs onto his bunk but is feeling too restless to sleep just yet. So he grabs his notebook, flashlight and hides under the covers.

_June 30th, 1994_

_We had our first night activity today and it was so cool. I ended up at the same team as the boy with blue hair (The Milkshake Demons - I think it’s an awesome name!), and I helped them win the game. He talked to me afterwards, and his name is Jack. He is nice and he has some cool piercings. I can’t wait for tomorrow to come, and hopefully we’ll have more things to do with our team._

Even though he’s tired, Jared stays awake for a long time.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day is also fun, they have a lot of activities throughout the day at the camp. The campers are divided into groups so a single place isn’t crowded with everyone at once. The criteria used in the division is age, so Jared finds himself doing most things with kids aged from 9-12. He doesn’t mind, not really. His group spends the morning at the pool and he has fun, Jared only wonders what Jack’s group might be doing right now.

At lunch time, all campers meet up at the cafeteria. Jared waits in line behind Chad to get the food and soon he hears a voice behind him.

“What’s up J.T.??”

Jared turns around and finds himself face to face with Jack himself, and the grin that spreads over his face is the most natural thing in the world.

“Hey Jack! How was your morning??”

Jack smiles back at him, his dark eyes sparkling. “It was cool, played some soccer with the guys. I hope we have another activity tonight, I’m excited after yesterday!”

“Y-yeah, yesterday was so much fun, I have never done something like that before!” Jared stutters and looks down, god, why does he have to act so nervous in front of Jack, what’s wrong with him?

“Well, we’re gonna be in a lot more of those so get ready to help us win more games.” Jack winks at him and Jared blushes again “But now you’re holding up the line J.T., and I’m hungry, let’s get moving!”

Jared turns around and he notices there’s a huge gap in the line and he’s responsible for it, he turns beet red and hurries forward to get his food, without looking at anyone. He hears Jack chuckling but he doesn’t think he’s making fun of him, or he hopes not. Please don’t let Jack think he is dumb.

Jared grabs his food, mumbles a ‘see ya around’ to Jack and quickly walks away, towards where his cabin mates are sitting, Chad has a seat saved next to him.

Jared sits down and before he can start eating, Chad nudges him.

“Who was that dude you were talking too? He’s older right?”

Jared keeps staring at his food as he mumbles an answer to his friend. “Yeah, he’s the leader of the team I’m in. His name is Jack and he’s nice. And yes, he’s older, and from what I know he’s come here for lots of summers. He’s pretty popular, I think he was only talking to me because I helped them win the game yesterday.”

“Well that’s cool anyway J.T.”, Chad says with a mouthful of food. Some of it ends up on Jared’s tray and he’s so horrified by it he momentarily forgets he made a fool of himself in front of Jack, and shoves Chad away, who’s laughing out loud.

As it turns out, they don’t have a night activity later that day. There’s another thing planned for the campers and they all gather inside the basketball court after dinner where there’s a big screen set up. The counselors announce it’s movie night. Everyone cheers and Jared likes the idea, even though this mean he won’t be spending time with Jack tonight. Which is fine anyway, Jared tells himself. It’s just that Jack is a new friend, as Jack himself stated, and it would be cool to have another night game with his friend, that’s all. But that’s cool too, and Jared could use the quiet night anyway, he feels dead on his feet after a full day of activities.

Karri announces they will be watching Jurassic Park and everyone cheers again, including Jared. He hasn’t seen this one yet.

Jared takes a look around the court, and he quickly locates Jack on the other side of the place, surrounded by friends. They are all settling in and joking around, there’s a girl who presses herself against Jack’s side, he smiles at her and places an arm around her shoulders. Jared feels something tight in his chest while he watches that and he can’t name it.

Before he can think about it, Chad is shoving a bag of popcorn in his hands. Jared looks around and see the counselors handing bags to everyone.

“Dude that’s so cool, I was dying to see this movie!” Chad says with a mouthful of popcorn.

“Dude, gross. And yes, me too.” Jared replies, without much enthusiasm though.

The lights are turned off and the movie starts. Jared can only pay half attention to it, because his gaze keeps returning to the other side of the court, popcorn bag forgotten on his lap.

A few nights later, everybody is back at the court again, and all dressed up because it’s dancing night. Jared assumes it must be one of the highlights of the camp, since the older campers are all excited and dressed in their finest. Jared didn’t bring anything that dressed up to wear, so he settles for his jeans and a dark t-shirt. To be completely honest, he’d rather be outside on a night game like the day before. It was a fun game where the teams had to look for hidden cards, they didn’t win that one but they came in third place, which means they got some points as well. Plus, he got to hang out with Jack again, and that was definitely a plus.

But now everyone is here and the court has turned into a dance floor and Jared feels awkward. Chad is by his side, and even though he’s trying his best not to show it, Jared knows he’s nervous too. So they stick close to each other while everybody dances like there’s no tomorrow. Both boys decide to go grab a snack at the side of the court while they watch the others. Jared spots Jack among his friends, he’s dancing with them and there’s a smile on his face. Jared smiles too.

Half an hour passes and then the music is cut off and a counselor grabs the mic.

“Night, campers! Are you all enjoying yourselves??” Everybody shouts and the guy goes on. “Now it’s the time you’ve all been waiting for, it’s slow dancing time!”

Everybody screams and Jared groans. The counselor tells everyone to gather at the center of the court, so they can organize their dance.

“Here’s what’s gonna happen, to those who aren’t familiar with our dance. All the boys will form a big circle and the girls will form another one inside the boys’ circle. The song will start and girls will dance with the boy in front of you. Everytime we say ‘move’, the girl will move on to the next boy, that way everyone will dance with everyone. Alright people, take your places so we can get started!”

Jared and Chad drag themselves to where the circle is being formed. Jared is terrified, he has never danced with a girl before, this is a recipe for disaster. The first song starts and the girl in front of Jared is taller than him, which makes him feel silly. Jared puts his arms around the girl’s neck as she places her own around his waist. They move stiffly and it’s awkward to say the least. The girls move and Jared spots Jack directly across from him, of course smiling at the girl who’s arriving in front of him. Jared barely acknowledges his new girl as he stares at Jack.

The other boy lifts his gaze and catches Jared’s eyes. Jack gives him a small smile and a wink, before focusing on his girl again. Jared’s heart beats 4 times faster than usual and he pays no attention to the girl he has his arms around. He suddenly wishes he could be in the small circle instead, so he could have a turn with Jack. As soon as this thought hits him, he feels weird, he can’t understand what makes him feel this way, how can he be thinking about dancing with a _boy_? He’s supposed to dance with girls and that’s it. He doesn’t understand and he starts feeling nauseated, so when the girls are supposed to move he apologizes and excuses himself.

Jared walks over to the snack table and gets himself some water. Matt approaches him and asks what’s wrong. Jared tells him he’s not feeling so good, and if he could sit down for the rest of the dancing. Matt says it’s fine, so he stays put. He doesn’t look at Jack again for the rest of the night, and when the dancing is over and everybody is sent to their cabins, Jared is the first one to get to his.

Jared doesn’t talk much to anyone, not even to Chad, he’s upset and he has no idea why. Actually he knows what’s making him upset: he wanted to dance with Jack. Instead of all those girls passing in front of him, he wanted to dance with Jack, and that’s the part he doesn’t understand.

Before falling asleep, Jared grabs his notebook and flashlight, and hides under the covers.

_July 3rd, 1994_

_I know it’s wrong, because I am supposed to dance only with girls. But I wish I had danced with Jack instead and I don’t even know why. Does that make me a bad boy?_

Days pass by, and Jared is among his group, walking towards the lake for some activities there, when they pass by the pool where the older campers are having fun. Jared instantly spots Jack climbing out of the pool. He’s wearing only swimming trunks and there’s water dripping down from his hair and chest and Jared stands there, transfixed, his gaze locked on Jack’s glistening chest. Jack joins his friends by the pool and Jared can’t take his eyes off him. His tummy feels weird, something he can’t put his finger on, it’s definitely new to him. Before he can think about it too much, there’s a smack on his head from Chad.

“Dude! Let’s get going, we’re gonna miss all the fun!”

Just like that, the spell is broken and Jared walks away with Chad, not before looking over his shoulder one last time.

There’s a party Friday night, and everyone is gathered in the basketball court again, dancing like there’s no tomorrow. Jared stays close to his cabin mates who are also trying to dance but they all look ridiculous, specially Chad, who’s trying to get the ladies attention but instead is making a total fool of himself. He watches his friend and laughs for a while, and then excuses himself to go get some food. His gaze sweeps the room and he spots Jack talking to his friends and having fun. It’s a nice sight.

Jared decides to go outside for a while, since it’s too loud and crowded inside the court. He makes his way around it to the back, where there’s no one and it’s much quieter. He sits down and leans against the wall, looking up to the sky. What he sees takes his breath away. He hasn’t paid much attention to the sky here yet, and it’s just _beautiful_. There are a million of stars and constellations, and that makes Jared feel so small.

He looks at the sky in amazement for God knows how long, until someone sits down next to him. Jared is surprised to find a sweaty and panting Jack looking back at him. He smiles and takes a walkman out of his pocket, then he puts one earbud in his ear and offers the other one to Jared. The younger boy looks from the earbud to Jack, who has an expectant look on his face, and finally accepts the thing and places it in his own ear. Jack presses play and leans back against the wall just like Jared as the music starts.

 _Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,_  
_They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe._  
_Pools of sorrow, waves of joy_  
_Are drifting through my opened mind,_  
_Possessing and caressing me._

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” He whispers to Jared, pointing to the sky, as if he doesn’t want to disturb the stars. “I like to come here sometimes to watch, it’s one of the best places to do it. Gives me peace.”

 _Jai guru deva. om._  
_Nothing's gonna change my world,_  
_Nothing's gonna change my world._

Jack turns his face to watch the sky, and Jared watches him. The sight is almost as beautiful as the sky itself.

 _Images of broken light_  
_Which dance before me like a million eyes,_  
_They call me on and on across the universe._  
_Thoughts meander like a restless wind_  
_Inside a letter box,_  
_They tumble blindly as they make their way_  
_Across the universe_

Both of them watch the stars for a long time, without saying a word, until it’s time for everyone to go back to the cabins.

It’s a great night.

It’s lunchtime, and an announcement is made at the cafeteria by Sam.

“We’re gonna play a little game today. A few of us will walk around this afternoon with baskets with some pieces of paper in them. If you want to say something to a person, you can get a paper and write it down. You may or may not sign your note, it’s up to you. When you arrive for dinner, put your note inside the box that will be placed at the entrance of the cafeteria. After everybody has finished dinner, we’ll read all the notes over the mic. This is your chance to say something that you’re too shy to say in person! If you want a paper, look for the counselors with the baskets and let’s all have fun!”

Everybody talks excitedly after the announcement, specially the girls, but Chad dismisses it saying it’s just dumb. Jared thinks it’s dumb too.

A couple of hours later, it’s Jared’s group’s turn at the pool. Jared is sitting at a bench close to it watching the other campers having fun in the water. He looks to his side and notices Karri approaching, and she’s holding a basket. He tries to stay put, but eventually he ends up walking over to where the girl is giving away pieces of paper to some campers. Making sure his cabin mates aren’t looking, he quickly grabs one to himself.

Jared keeps it inside his pocket for the rest of the afternoon. When they go back to the cabin for a shower before dinner, Jared climbs onto his bunk and takes the paper out. He grabs his pen, chews it thoughtfully and stares at the items in his hands. He uncaps the pen and writes a word on the paper.

_“Jack -_

Jared stares at it for a moment and shakes his head. What’s he even doing? Jared suddenly realizes it’s a dumb idea, what would he even say? Jack is a good guy and he’s nice to Jared, that’s all. He’s probably nice to everyone. Jared sure doesn’t need to write a note to say it to Jack, he has nothing to say to him at all. He crumples the piece of paper in his sweaty hand and hides it under his pillow. This was a really dumb idea.

After dinner is over, a couple of counselors bring the box to the front of the cafeteria, where there’s a small wood stage. They both take mics and announce it’s time to read the notes. Jared can feel the excitement pouring out of everyone, except himself. He’d rather go back to his cabin, but unfortunately he must stay and listen.

The counselors call Jack’s name a lot of times. Most of the times, he gets notes from secret admirers, telling how he’s so handsome and great and awesome. Some are even signed by older girls. Jared keeps looking at Jack, who’s sitting at a nearby table, a smug smile on his face.

Jack is the most popular guy at the camp, everybody loves him, there is no way he could compete, Jared is glad his note is crumpled under his pillow back at the cabin. Jack would never have paid attention to it anyway.

_July 12th, 1994_

_~~Jack -~~ _

Sam announces during dinner that they will have a bonfire night, they are gonna eat marshmallows and there will be singing, so the campers are invited to sing a song if they want to. Jared knows for sure he won’t be singing anytime soon, but he looks over at Jack and sees a grin on his face. Jared wonders if Jack is planning on singing something and he sends a silent prayer to the skies that he will.

Once everybody is finished with dinner, they are sent to their cabins to grab the flashlights and go to the site where the bonfire is set, with trunks around it so everyone can sit down. The counselors guide Jared and Chad to go sit in the next available spot so everybody can get settled faster. When Jared takes his seat, he realizes his neighbor is none other than Jack. Of course. The older boy looks at Jared and smiles.

“Hey J.T.! Gonna sing something tonight?”

Jared’s brain tries to catch up with the fact that Jack is talking to him and he tries to answer without embarrassing himself. He looks down at his feet, small next to Jack’s.

“Nah, I--I just came to listen.”

Jack is about to answer but Matt’s loud voice interrupts him, telling everyone to grab a roasting stick and some marshmallows because they are starting. The counselors sing first, some of them play guitar for themselves and for others to sing as well. Jared relaxes, listening to the songs and eating one marshmallow after the other, feeling the strong presence of Jack beside him, who’s enjoying himself as well.

Then the campers start to sing, and after a few songs Jack says it’s his turn. He reaches behind him and takes out a guitar that Jared hadn’t noticed before. His heart skips a beat because Jack is. About. To sing.

Jared just stares at him as Jack plays a few notes on his guitar and opens his mouth finally.

 _One day you'll look to see I've gone,_  
_For tomorrow may rain so I'll follow the sun._  
  
_Some day you'll know I was the one,_  
_But tomorrow may rain so I'll follow the sun._  
  
_And now the time has come so my love I must go,_  
_And though I lose a friend in the end you will know, oh_

Jared watches Jack and he’s hypnotized. He can’t even blink and his mouth is probably hanging open. Jack’s eyes are closed, he’s into the music, singing with his heart, and Jared has never seen something more beautiful in his life. He just looks at the image of Jack and his guitar in awe, wishing he could take a picture to look at it forever.

 _One day you'll find that I have gone,_  
_But tomorrow may rain so I'll follow the sun_  
  
_And now the time has come so my love I must go,_  
_And though I lose a friend in the end you will know, oh_  
  
_One day you'll find that I have gone,_  
_For tomorrow may rain so I'll follow the sun._

Everyone claps when Jack finishes, and Jared comes out of his trance when the other boy looks at him with a smile on his face.

“So??”

Jared realizes with a delay that Jack is asking for his opinion and he coughs before finding his tongue to give a waiting Jack a proper answer.

“That was… just awesome” Jared says with a small smile. “I’ve never heard the song before, I like it.”

Jack stares back at him with his mouth opened. “Dude, it’s The Beatles! You have to know The Beatles! Promise me you will listen to them when you go back home!”

Jared chuckles. “Okay, I promise. Also, that’s a nice guitar you got over there.”

Jack picks up his guitar again and beams at it. “Yeah, she’s my baby. It was my grandfather’s and he passed it on to me. I’m proud of her!”

Jared laughs at Jack’s enthusiasm with his guitar, and together they go back to listen to the others campers’ songs. Jared doesn’t hear much though. He’s too focused on paying attention to Jack’s every movement and occasional word beside him. Only when Chad elbows him and tells it’s time to go, is that Jared snaps back to reality and realizes the singing is over and they are supposed to leave.

Later, the boys at Jared’s cabin are getting ready for bed, and while Matt is in the shower the boys start discussing girls.

“Dude, that Sarah girl from our group is awesome!”, Kevin is saying while Jared changes into his pajamas.

Chad scoffs. “Please, Kate from my team is gorgeous, she’s older and completely hot.”

Everyone agrees and start telling who they think it’s the hottest girl in camp. Jared quietly climbs into his bed and tries to get under the covers unnoticed, but of course Chad is having none of it.

“What about you, J.T? Who do you think it’s the hottest girl here?”

Jared goes instantly pale and loses his voice. He has no idea what he’s supposed to answer, now that he thinks about it, he hasn’t paid attention to any girl at the camp. And now that he thinks about it, he probably should have. There are a lot of girls here, at least one of them should have caught his attention, right? He tries to think about any girl he came across that he might have found pretty, but nothing comes to mind. It hits him suddenly that the only person he has been paying attention to since he stepped foot in the camp is Jack.

It’s not really a surprise for him, but he suddenly realizes he should have been watching the girls. Instead, he only had eyes for Jack so far, and he has no idea why.

Jared comes back to the present and notices all the boys are waiting for his answer. He tries to remember the name of the girl Chad mentioned.

“I… I think Kate looks good?” He stutters and he has a moment of panic thinking that everyone will find out his secret, but when he looks at Chad, the other boy is smiling at him.

“That’s right J.T., I knew you had good taste!”

The conversation ends when Matt walks back into the room and all the boys get in their beds. Jared can’t manage to fall asleep though, he’s too busy wondering why he can’t get Jack out of his mind when he clearly should be focusing on girls like all other boys.

He grabs his notebook, pen, and flashlight and gets under the covers.

_July 16th, 1994_

_Why do I keep thinking about Jack instead of the girls like everyone else? What’s wrong with me?_

Jared can't stop worrying about the fact that he can't stop thinking about Jack, and that is driving him insane. He wishes he could talk to someone, find out what’s happening to him, he considers Chad, but he laughs at the idea, Chad would most likely make fun of him. He also thinks about going to Matt, but he also dismisses that idea since he’s afraid Matt could decide he’s a freak and find a way to tell his mom about it. So Jared gives up on the “talking to someone about his feelings” plan. He’ll just have to get over it. It shouldn’t be too hard.

Jared tries to avoid Jack as much as he can. He believes if he stays away from the older boy, all those thoughts will go away. It’s not like they spend all day together anyway, they just meet up during meals, and Jared tries his best not to look when Jack enters the cafeteria with his friends, but he can’t help it if whenever Jack passes by him, he waves and smiles at Jared. And his momma always taught him to be polite, so of course he waves back, he doesn’t want Jack to think he’s rude. They also spend time together when they have some activity with the Milkshake Demons, and Jared tries his best to stay out of the way and just follow around, but of course Jack is always involving him in the game and asking for his opinions and ideas. And when they manage to win, which happens a lot, Jack high-fives Jared and tells him he did a good job.

It’s like the more Jared tries to stay away from Jack, the more he feels drawn to the other boy. Even though Jack is the most popular boy at the camp, he’s not an asshole by any means, quite the opposite actually. He proves over and over to be a very kind guy, he’s always truly nice to Jared, he makes Jared feel that he matters even though he’s pretty much a kid compared to Jack himself.

Jared feels more and more amazed by Jack, and instead of succeeding with his original plan, he finds himself seeking the older boy more often than not. And he tells himself over and over again that it means nothing at all. It really doesn’t.

Jared’s group has part of the afternoon free, so he decides to walk around camp, no big deal, he just wants to see what other people are doing. Jared approaches the field where there’s a soccer game going on with some of the older boys. He’s not close enough to make out who the people are, but before he gets any closer, he hears one of the boys yelling.

“Over here, Jackles!”

Jared is confused for a second, but after a few quick steps towards the field, he realizes one of the boys playing is no other than Jack, and he figures out he must also be the ‘Jackles’ the other guy referred to. Jared wonders if that’s a nickname his friends have for Jack, and he thinks it’s cool.

Jared sits down leaning against a tree, still a bit distant from the field so that nobody notices his presence, and watches the game, watches Jack playing.

Jared doesn’t know much about soccer, but it’s obvious that Jack is a good player. He’s fast and skillful. It’s nice to watch him and Jared quickly finds himself lost in the game. It’s a very hot day, and during a small break, Jared watches Jack taking off the jersey he’s wearing and throwing it on the bleachers, leaving only the yellow training vest on. After that, Jared focuses less and less on the game and more and more on Jack.

The game is over too quickly for Jared’s taste, Jack’s team having won mainly due to Jack’s own skill, he scored twice. Jared can’t help but to feel proud. All the boys leave the field towards the opposite side to where Jared’s sitting. He watches Jack walking away, and even when he can’t see him anymore, Jared stays lost in thought for a long time, replaying the game in his mind, and the way Jack moved around. Jared tells himself he’s just impressed with Jack’s skills, it’s all.

He finally gets up so he can go find something else to do, when he glances at the bleachers. There’s something red lying there and Jared immediately recognizes it as Jack’s jersey. He walks over and grabs it, considering for a second running after Jack to return the jersey, but he figures he must be far away by now, probably showering. So he decides to keep it with him and return it to Jack later.

Jared returns to his cabin and sits down on the lower bunk - which is vacant for now since the cabin is empty - and examines the jersey. There’s nothing in the front, and when he turns it around, he notices there’s the name _Jackles_ and the number 7 printed on the back. It’s a little moist with sweat, and without thinking Jared brings it close to his face, his nostrils capturing Jack’s strong scent, and Jared is momentarily overpowered by it. He has to close his eyes and focus for a second, his whole body reacting to the scent in a way that’s totally new and foreign to him. He feels weird and uncomfortable in his own skin all of a sudden, having no idea why, so he tosses the jersey into his suitcase - he will return it to Jack later - and heads for the bathroom for a shower, since that sounds like a great plan, he needs something to help him cool down.

Later during dinner, Jared catches himself watching Jack’s every move again, despite his best efforts.

He doesn’t think about Jack’s jersey still in his suitcase.


	3. Chapter 3

A few days before the camp is over, a counselor announces during lunch that they are watching the sunset that afternoon. A lot of the campers cheer, so Jared assumes that’s a camp thing. And since everyone seems to like it, Jared feels excited about it too.

Hours later, they are all gathered at the soccer field and the counselors walk everyone up the hill so they can have a good view of the darkening sky. There are only a few clouds and the sun sits between them, already halfway down the horizon. Everyone starts to sit down on the grass, and Jared, Chad, and a couple other boys from their cabin find a relatively empty spot higher up on the hill to settle.

There’s nobody sitting by Jared’s right side, and soon he feels someone standing beside him. He looks up in time to see none other than Jack sitting down next to him, along with a couple of friends.

“Is this spot taken?” Jack asks Jared in a quiet voice.

“It’s yours now.” Jared shrugs, but he’s sure his heart will burst out of his chest at any minute and he knows he has a stupid grin on his face.

Jack smiles at him and scoots a little closer. Jared is only afraid Jack will be able to hear the frantic beating of his heat since he’s sitting this close. If he could choose anywhere in the world he wanted to be right now, this right here would be it.

They don’t say anything else and everyone goes quiet, just staring at the horizon. Jared watches the orange sky, the way the sun makes its slow descent behind the scarce clouds. Jared is hypnotized by the scene in front of him, he feels a peace inside him that he has never felt before. Nobody says a word and it’s not really necessary. Jared can feel Jack’s strong presence by his side, and the whole scenario gives him peace. He closes his eyes for a moment, so he can just _feel_. He knows he’s young and there’s a lot of things he doesn’t understand yet, but at this moment, he feels a serenity inside of him, he feels closer to God than he has ever been, even living with a religious family and going to church every sunday.

When Jared opens his eyes, the sun is already half hidden behind the mountains, and he can’t remember having watched a more beautiful thing in his life. A tear escapes his eye and he makes no effort to wipe it away. He’s pretty sure he’s not the only one. Especially after he catches a barely audible sniffle coming from his right side.

Everyone watches in complete silence as the sun disappears behind the mountains and the sky becomes darker. Arms looped around his knees Jared just takes it in. Now he gets why everyone was so excited about the sunset, it was truly a magical experience.

The counselors start lighting some candles and the place is soon illuminated by a soft glow. Sam’s voice breaks the silence but it’s almost a whisper so their moment remains.

“We’re gonna pass a candle now, as some of you already know. Tradition says that when you have the candle, you must share a secret about you to the person sitting to your left, and then pass the candle to them. That person must do the same and so on. Let’s begin.”

The candle starts passing from hand to hand and Jared feels nervous. He’s going to hear a truth from Jack and has to tell something to Chad, he has no idea what he could say. They wait the longest because they are sitting higher up on the hill, and there’s nobody behind them. When the candle reaches Jack, he takes it from his friend and turns to Jared. They look into each other’s eyes and Jared sees something unreadable there, the closest thing to describe it is sadness. Jack takes a few deep breaths before sharing his secret with Jared.

“I can’t tell anyone who I really am.” Jack says in a quiet voice that only Jared can hear. They stare at each other for a long moment, Jared searching Jack’s eyes and trying to figure out the meaning behind his words. Then, Jack gently picks up Jared’s hand and places the candle on his palm. Jared looks at the flame and remembers he’s supposed to keep it going, so he looks into Jack’s eyes one last time and turns to Chad. He takes a moment before sharing his own truth with his friend.

“My favorite color is blue.”

Jared thought it would be hard choosing something to tell his friend, but it was surprisingly easy. Chad looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to say something else, but Jared just hands the candle to Chad and turns to face the sky again. Just a couple more people and the candle is blown out.

They go down the hill and back to their cabins in silence. Later that night, Jared doesn’t write much in his notebook.

_July 26th, 1994_

_I wish I had time to find out who Jack really is._

** **

It’s the last day at the camp and Jared is feeling sad. He should be happy, he’s going home tomorrow morning and will get to see his momma, dad, brother and sister. He should be happy because he didn’t even wanna come to this camp in the first place. But he’s not. Today is the last day he will be spending with Jack and that thought makes Jared want to cry. He still can’t fully comprehend his feelings, why he cares about the boy with blue hair so much, he just does.

Tomorrow Jack and Jared himself will go back to real life, and it will all be over. Jack will go home - Jared has no idea where that is - and he won’t even remember Jared, he must be as popular back home as he is at the camp, and that means hundreds of friends to worry about. But Jared, in the other hand, isn’t so sure he will forget about Jack so easily.

At breakfast, it’s announced their last dinner at the camp will be a bit different. Instead of eating together with their cabin mates, the campers can invite someone for dinner, it’s gonna be the camp’s “Valentine’s Day” (Sam’s words). Immediately after her announcement, everyone starts to murmur, specially the girls. All campers appear to like the idea, but Jared hates it. It’s nothing more than a replay of the ‘love notes dinner’. His eyes search for Jack, who once again has a smug smile on his face. Jack can take anybody he wants to dinner. Jared just wishes he himself could go with just one person but he knows he doesn’t stand a single chance.

The whole day is spent with packing and people asking others to dinner. The last thing Jared wants to do is find a girl to go with him. If he had a choice, he’d stay in the cabin during dinner, hiding under the covers and waiting for this whole nonsense to be over. At the same time he feels wrong because he doesn’t want to invite a girl, and even more wrong because he secretly wishes he could go with Jack. For the thousandth time he asks himself what the hell is wrong with him.

He’s spared from the torture of finding a girl to invite to the stupid dinner when Chad comes to him telling he got a cute girl to go with him, but she only agreed if he promised to get a friend to go with her friend. So he pretty much begs Jared to go with said friend - Heather apparently - and Jared says he will go, mostly to make his friend happy.

** **

After lunch, they have their last team activity, a huge capture the flag in the woods. The 10 teams are divided into two big ones, and their territories are defined. The game starts and Jared stays close to some people from his original team (Jack included), he has never played this game and he’s a little lost. Plus, he doesn’t want to be tagged.

Jared is distracted with the game and it’s a while till he notices his bracelet is missing. His mom had given it to him on his last birthday, among other things, and he really likes it. It’s nothing very fancy, just two brown braided leather cords with an infinity symbol in the middle, but he was fond of it and wore it all the time. And now it was gone. He tells his teammates he’s taking time off to look for the thing, they even help him with the task. After a while Jared gives up, his bracelet is nowhere to be found and there’s nothing he can do, it probably got lost in the woods among the leafs and branches. He thanks everyone that helped him look and they continue with the game. Jared’s consolation is that Jack manages to capture the other team’s flag, which gives them a lot of bonus points and it probably puts them in first place.

After the game, Jared is walking back to his cabin so he can continue packing, when Matt calls him and asks if he could do him a favor and take a box with accessories they used for the game back to the room that isn’t that far from the cabin. Jared agrees and takes the box from Matt, who thanks him and runs to the opposite direction.

Jared enters the now empty counsellors’ room and places the box on a nearby table. Before he can leave though, something catches his attention. There’s another box on the table, and at the very top of it lies the dreamcatcher he helped his team conquer on the first day of camp.

The day he met Jack.

Jared considers for a moment leaving the room and the dreamcatcher behind. After all, he’s already taking home something that he shouldn’t be, and Jared is already feeling guilty enough for a lifetime, for a lot of reasons. He tentatively approaches the box and runs his fingers through the dreamcatcher’s feathers, he closes his eyes, and remembers how everything pretty much started when they won this dreamcatcher.

10 minutes later, said dreamcatcher is safely tucked in Jared’s suitcase, next to Jack’s jersey, and Jared tries to swallow his guilt.

** **

Jared and Chad meet the girls at the front of the cafeteria. Heather approaches Jared with a big smile on her face, and even though Jared would rather be anywhere else but there, he smiles back. It's not the girl's fault and she deserves to have a nice dinner.

They all go inside, the cafeteria is still a bit empty so they go get their food while there's no line. After everyone has their plate, they choose a table and sit down to eat. Heather sits by Jared's side of course, and he feels uncomfortable but he sucks it up. They eat in silence for a while, and Jared is about to stuff his mouth with more mashed potatoes when he looks at the door and nearly drops his fork.

Jack is entering the place, and damn he looks good. He's wearing ripped jeans, a Nirvana t-shirt with a leather vest on top. He has also styled his hair with gel, it’s in little spikes on his head. Jared’s shaggy brown hair could never look that amazing, not in a million years. Jared's mouth hangs half open, mashed potatoes completely forgotten. They were supposed to dress a little nicer for this dinner, but Jack... Jared has no words to describe him.

Unfortunately, the rocker look is not the only thing Jack is showing off tonight. There's a girl attached to his arm, a megawatt smile on her face, no doubt for being invited by Jack for dinner and making all the other girls jealous.

 _Not only the girls,_ Jared's brain makes sure to supply.

Jared takes a closer look and realizes the girl is likely Kate, the one Chad and the other boys were drooling over. So probably not only the girls are jealous of the couple. If this was high school, Jared is pretty sure they would be crowned prom king and queen.

Suddenly Jared isn't hungry anymore. He knew Jack was likely going to appear with a cute girl, but seeing it is a completely different story.

Jared watches out of the corner of his eye as Jack and Kate get their food and go sit down with Jack’s friends. Heather notices that Jared has stopped eating and asks him if he is alright. Jared gives her a forced smile and tells her he's full, that's all. How can he tell the girl that he'd give anything to be sitting next to someone else? Not only someone else, but a _male_ someone else.

While Jared waits for everyone to finish eating, he makes small talk with Heather, mostly to distract himself from Jack, must not look at Jack. He finds out she’s a really cool girl, and he wishes he could think about her the way he thinks about Jack. Things would be so much easier, and he wonders again why is he so screwed up.

After everyone has eaten their desert, Sam gets the mic and makes some announcements.

“First of all, I want to thank all of you for this amazing summer. This was a great month and I hope you feel the same. Tomorrow we return to real life, but I hope you remember all the great moments we spent together here and everything we learnt. I hope to see you all next summer so we can do it all again!”

Jared has a lump the size of a tennis ball in his throat, and he’s fighting back his tears the best he can. He looks anywhere but Jack, because if he looks at him, he will break down. It’s finally dawning on him that this is it, tomorrow is the end and he won’t see Jack again. If he’s lucky, they’ll meet again here next summer, but there’s a whole year in the middle. Jared has never felt so sad before.

When he manages to put himself together and focuses on Sam again, he realizes she’s still speaking.

“And now it’s time to announce which team is the winner of our summer!”

Even Jared’s attention is caught by that, he knows the Milkshake Demons did really well and won a lot of activities, but he’s nervous nonetheless. He manages a quick look at Jack this time, and for a second the older boy meets his eyes and gives Jared a nervous smile. Before he can even reciprocate, Jack’s eyes are back on Sam, waiting for her verdict.

“The winning group did really well this year, they really did work as a team. Congratulations to the camp winners, the Milkshake Demons!”

Jared, all but vibrating with excitement, jumps up with his other team members, they all run to the front of the cafeteria where Sam is waiting for them, and start high-fiving and patting each other’s backs. Sam hands them small cards with the camp logo and congratulatory words written on them. They also get chocolate, that’s Jared’s favorite part.

Before they return to their seats, Jack pats Jared’s small shoulder and says in a quiet voice “Nice job mate, you really helped us win!”.

All the way back to his table he can still feel Jack’s fingers on his shoulder like they are etched there.

Turns out Sam isn’t done with announcements yet. A few counselors enter the cafeteria carrying large boxes, and place them close to where Sam is standing. She smiles at them and addresses the campers again.

"And now, the best part. As you remember, there was a photographer with us for a few days to take pictures of everyone. And now, as something to remember the camp, each of you will receive a booklet with a collage of pictures from our month here."

The counselors hand everyone a booklet, and when Jared gets his, he can tell it’s personalized since it has his name written at the bottom corner of the cover. He starts going through the pages and finds some nice pictures, mostly of him and the campers from his group at different moments during camp. But what makes him stop is the last picture in the booklet. It’s the one the photographer took on the first night of the camp, of Jared’s team. Jack has his arm around his shoulders and they are both smiling, right in the middle of the group. Jared smiles again, big hazel eyes going misty and he can’t tear his eyes away from the image.

Sam’s voice continues, when all the booklets have been given to everyone.

“Now, let’s move to the next part of our night. A lot of you already know how this goes, but I’ll explain for those who don’t. We’re gonna have another bonfire, it’s a last moment for us to be together, sing some songs, and just talk. it has become a tradition that we say goodbye to our friends there and have them sign our booklets, so it’s even more special. So let’s get going!”

Everybody walks together to the bonfire that is set up in the woods, and sits down on the trunks or the floor. Chad and Jared take a look at each other’s booklets and Jared can’t help his gaze from traveling to Jack, who’s looking at his own friend’s booklets.

Once they are all settled, Matt sits down with a guitar and everyone starts singing. It’s a good moment, and Jared really enjoys it. He’s trying not to think about the fact that very soon he will be away from Jack, so he focuses on the songs.

When the singing is over, pens are handed to everyone so they can sign the booklets. Slowly, people start getting up and hugging their friends goodbye, as well as writing messages on their books. Jared starts doing the same thing with his group of friends, and he finds it to be surprisingly emotional. At first he didn’t want to come, but after spending a whole month with these people 24/7, it’s hard to say goodbye to them.

Jared hugs a lot of people and signs a lot of booklets, but there’s one person he wants to hug the most. He manages to locate Jack in the crowd, he is hard to miss as he’s surrounded by people waiting to talk to him. He smiles sadly and bites his lip, Jack has a million people who worship him, so he will be busy for a long time. Plus, Jared is only a kid, easily forgettable, why would Jack spare some time to talk to him when he has so many more important people to give his attention to.

Jared slumps away from the crowd, having talked to pretty much everyone he was close to. He takes his time to look at Jack, to memorize his beautiful face, tomorrow everything will be over and he doesn’t even want to think about it. He sits down on a trunk and goes over his booklet, taking a look at the messages his friends left, when a voice startles him.

“Hey.”

Jared looks up and standing in front of him is none other than Jack. Jared stands up as quickly as he can without falling over and embarrassing himself, and manages to find his voice to answer the older boy.

“Hey, yourself.”

Jack gives him a lopsided smile. “I was beginning to think you didn’t want my signature there”. He makes a motion towards the booklet on Jared’s hand.

Jared shrugs and tries to cover the fact that his heart is beating 10 miles a minute. He croaks out, “You had a lot of people to talk to.”

Jack grabs the booklet from Jared’s hand and flicks through the pages until he finds their team picture. “Well, don’t you think you are gonna get away from me that easily, young man!”

He hands his own book to Jared to sign, and the boy quickly finds the same team picture he has. There are already a few messages there, so he finds a small spot and writes a small one himself.

_“Hope to see you next summer! J.T.”_

It’s corny as hell, but if Jared could write everything he wants to tell Jack, a whole booklet wouldn’t be enough. Plus, he really means it. He _has_ to see Jack next summer, he just needs to.

Jack hands the booklet back to Jared. “No peeking though, you can only read it later, okay?” Jared nods and gives Jack his own. They stare at each other for a moment until Jack places his hands on Jared’s shoulders and brings him closer.

“Come here.”

Jack wraps his big arms around Jared and for a moment he’s too stunned to move. Jack. Is. Hugging. Him. Once the shock is over, he places his own arms around the other boy, and he presses himself as close to him as he dares. He closes his eyes so he can feel Jack’s body, his heat, his scent. Jared wants to memorize every detail. Tears escape from his eyes, moistening Jack’s shirt, and he just can’t manage to hold them back. He wishes this moment would last forever, he wishes he could stay in Jack’s arms for his whole life. He wishes tomorrow would never come.

Eventually Jack breaks the hug, and when Jared looks at him, he can see the blue haired boy has red rimmed eyes as well. He stares into Jared’s wide eyes as if he wants to say something, but only two words come out of his mouth.

“Bye, J.T.”

Jack gives his shoulder a gentle squeeze and starts walking away, when Jared calls his name on instinct.

“Jack!”

The boy whips around, an expectant look on his face. What can Jared say? He has so many things to tell Jack, things that he doesn’t understand himself. He wishes he could tell Jack how important he is to him, how he can’t stop thinking about him. How he has become his whole world in only one month. There’s so much he wants to tell this boy.

“This was the best summer I’ve ever had. Thank you.”

Jack looks at Jared for a long moment and then nods once before walking away. Jared is too overwhelmed to even move, he can still feel Jack everywhere, he wishes he could etch Jack on his skin, so he could feel him forever.

He sits down again, far away from everybody. He doesn’t want to hug anyone anymore, he wants to keep the feeling of Jack’s strong arms around him as much as he can. He holds the booklet close to his chest but can’t bring himself to open it and see what Jack has written. It’s the last thing he has from the boy, and he doesn’t think he can handle reading his words right now. But Jared knows already that this booklet is his most precious possession.

** **

Things go by in a hurry next morning. Everyone wakes up early to finish packing, breakfast is chaotic, and so is everything else. Despite being busy trying to gather all his stuff and making sure nothing is left behind, Jared can't help feeling sad. Since their hug last night, he barely saw Jack, and he knows their time together is over. He grabs his booklet and puts it in his backpack. He still hasn’t read Jack's note, he wants to wait until he's gone to do it.

The boys leave the cabin with their luggage and each one tries to find their way around the sea of people outside. There are a lot of parents who have come to pick up their kids in person, buses waiting to take campers to different places, counselors yelling and running, a big mess. Jared tries to locate Jack, to talk to him, say goodbye again, he just needs to see him one last time.

But before he can continue his search, Matt finds Jared and tells him he needs to get on his bus, which will be leaving soon. He looks over and Chad is already getting in. Jared sighs, defeated, there's no way he'll be able to find Jack. He walks toward the bus, dragging his feet, and climbs in. He makes his way to where Chad's sitting, and sure enough his friend has saved him a seat.

"Hey dude , do you mind if I get the window seat?"

Chad shrugs and makes room for Jared to take his seat.

"Sure J.T., no problem!"

Jared accommodates himself and looks outside the window. He blinks harder when he sees a blue head just beside the bus. He quickly opens the window and calls the boy's name.

"Jack!"

Jack looks up and smiles.

"Here I thought you had left without saying goodbye to me!"

Jared smiles shyly. "Just couldn't manage to find you."

The driver starts the bus and Jared knows their time is up. Jack realizes the same thing.

"You have a safe trip home ok?"

Jared manages to mumble a quiet _you too_ without his voice wavering much. The bus starts to move slowly and Jack offers his hand for Jared to shake. He holds on to Jack's hand as long as he can.

"See you someday, J.T."

Jared lets go of his hand and just nods, the lump in his throat too large for him to say anything. He tries not to let the tears fall, he looks at Jack as long as he can, and the other boy is still looking at him as well. And if Jared isn't mistaken, there's sadness in his eyes. _Probably for leaving all his friends,_ he thinks.

The bus goes round a curve and Jack and the camp are gone. Jared feels a sadness he has never felt before, he won't be seeing Jack for another year, _if_ he sees him next summer that is. He still doesn't understand much of what he feels for Jack, it's all too new to him. All he knows is that it feels like he left a part of himself behind.

A couple of hours later, almost everyone is sleeping, Chad is snoring by Jared’s side, but Jared himself is wide awake. He has too many thoughts running around in his head to even think about taking a nap. He grabs his backpack from under his seat and takes the booklet out of it. He's been curious to know what Jack wrote him, and he doesn't have a reason to postpone it any longer. So he opens it and flicks the pages until he finds their picture, and surely enough, there's a message there.

_"I think blue would look good on you._

_-Jackles"_

Jared frowns for a moment, not understanding what Jack meant. Does he think Jared should dye his hair too? Yeah right, his momma would kill him twice.

Jared just stares at the message, Jack's handwriting, and their picture together from a month ago. He runs his fingers through the page, thinking about all their moments together, and this time, he can’t prevent the tears from falling. When his momma dropped him at the bus station, she had said that, once the month was over, Jared would wish he could stay longer. He didn't believe her at the time, but he doesn't think his momma has ever been more right about something in her whole life. If only he had more time with Jack.


	4. Chapter 4

Jared had never experienced grieving before, but this is what it feels like at the moment. It has been a week since he came back from the camp, and he misses Jack like a limb. He was half hoping everything would go away when he got home, that he wasn’t gonna think about Jack anymore, that it was just some weird thing his crazy mind came up with because he was away from home for a whole month. But of course, that wasn’t the case. Ever since he left the camp, left Jack, he’s the only thing on his mind. He was there when his mom and dad were waiting for him at the bus station, he was there when he got home, he is there when he wakes up, he’s the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep.

The first night back at home from the camp, Jared picked up the booklet from his suitcase and ripped off the page with his picture with Jack, alongside his note to Jared, and put it in the middle of his notebook. He was sure his family would want to see the pictures, but he didn’t want to share Jack, neither did he want anyone asking who was him or mentioning his little note. He wanted to keep Jack to himself, so he decided to hide that page where only he could see it. He found a shoe box and placed the notebook inside it, alongside with Jack’s shirt. He hid the box in a corner of his closet, under a pile of his stuff. He didn’t wanna risk his mother finding it while cleaning his room. He’d have to dig deep every time he wanted to write on his notebook, but it was better to be safe than sorry. The only thing he displayed in his room was the dreamcatcher. He didn’t have to explain to anyone the meaning behind it, so he hung it above his bed. Coincidence or not, Jack has been in his dreams every night, ever since.

Jared wishes he could see Jack again, more than anything. After spending a whole month seeing him everyday, he doesn’t know how to cope with not seeing him at all anymore. And he still doesn’t fully understand what he’s feeling. He knows it’s not normal, how much he thinks about a boy. He should be starting to notice girls, just like Chad and the other boys at the camp, but instead he’s obsessed over a boy. All Jared knows is that he needs to talk to someone about that, otherwise he’s gonna lose his mind.

That’s why he finds himself knocking on his brother’s door one night, when there’s only the two of them in the house.

“Hey, Jeff!”

Jeff looks up from the comic he’s reading and motions for his brother to come inside.

“Hey Jare, what’s up?”

Jared sits on the edge of Jeff’s bed and picks at a loose thread on his pants. He can feel his cheeks reddening and he forces his eyes to look up and at his brother, who’s waiting for him to speak.

“I… I wanted to ask you something.” When Jeff just raises his eyebrows, he takes a deep breath and goes on.

“Is it okay to… you know… if a boy likes another boy, instead of a girl? Is it okay?”

Jared is barely finished with his question when his brother harshly closes his comic book and is right up at his face.

“What are you talking about Jared??”

Jared’s eyes go wide and he instinctively backs down.

“Nothing, I just--I…” But his brother doesn’t let him finish.

“Are you trying to tell me you like _boys_?? Please Jared don’t tell me this is what you’re telling me, I can’t stand to have a freak for a brother!”

Jared feels like his heart is going to jump out of his chest, Jeff’s words catching him by surprise as he tries to find something to say to get out of this.

“No Jeff, it’s not me, it’s--a friend who told me this and, and I wanted to ask you if this is okay, that’s all, I promise!”

Jeff backs down a fraction and narrows his eyes at Jared. “Well, it’s not normal, it’s not okay. Boys can only like girls and girls can only like boys, it’s what God says. Everything else is wrong, it’s sinful, it’s going against what God taught us, and if this friend of yours really feels… _that_ , then he’s a sinner and a freak, and you should get the hell away from him, Jared. And I mean it.”

Jared doesn’t know what to answer, he can feel the sting of tears burning behind his eyes, so he murmurs a _‘thanks Jeff, bye’_ and runs to his own room, closing the door firmly behind him. Tears are running freely down his flushed face, his brother’s words echoing in his head. He digs up to find his notebook and gets under the covers, not even bothering to change into his pajamas.

_August 8th, 1994_

_I just found out I’m a freak, and Jeff is probably right. I keep thinking about him and it’s WRONG, IT’S WRONG. Boys just CAN’T like other boys, it’s not okay, and I need to STOP thinking about him but I don’t know if I can. What’s wrong with my head???_

Jared barely gets any sleep that night. He cries into his pillow until there are no more tears to fall. The word _freak_ keeps flashing in his mind like a neon sign, that’s what he is. He tries to force his mind to stop thinking about Jack, but the more he tries, the more Jack is there, a constant presence in his conscience. At the same time he tries to force thoughts of Jack away, but he wants nothing more than to see him again.

Jared’s classes start a few weeks after returning from the camp, he’s starting middle school and if he was looking forward to it before, now he just doesn’t care. He can’t forget his brother’s words, Jeff called him a freak, and that’s what Jared is. He’s more convinced than ever. But he’s decided to try and forget about Jack, or at least not think about him as much. He’s pretty sure it’s just a kid thing, that’s all. Jack was cool and popular, everyone liked him, so Jared is sure he was impressed, that had to be it. Now, he will be starting a new school, he will make new friends and meet girls, and hopefully one of them will catch his attention and he will completely get over Jack.

When Jared enters his classroom on his first day, he freezes when someone calls his name.

“J.T.!”

He turns towards the voice and meets no other than Chad, sitting in the back of the room and waving at him. Surprised, Jared walks towards him and sits down.

“Hey Chad!” Jared smiles as he greets his friend. “It’s nice to see you man, I didn’t know you were going to this school!”

Chad smiles back at him. “Yeah dude, as I told you at the camp, I just moved to Austin with my folks last spring and they got good recommendations about this school, so… here I am. And I’m glad we’re in the same class, you should have known you wouldn’t get rid of me that easily!”

Jared is happy to know Chad will be attending the same school as him. He had missed his friend, they had exchanged phone numbers but had only talked once ever since returning home, making plans to meet soon. Chad didn’t live too far from him, and Jared’s mom had promised she would talk to Chad’s mom to set up a date so he could visit. And now they will be seeing each other everyday, which is very cool. But at the same time, a longing takes over him, seeing Chad again brought back all the memories from the days at the camp, and he feels a pang of sadness. He tries not to show it to his friend though, because he is genuinely happy to know they will be school buds.

Jared makes a decision then, he isn’t telling his friend about his feelings for Jack or the fact that he apparently likes boys, he isn’t prepared to share this to anyone now or maybe ever, and he’s worried Chad will think he’s a freak as well. But he decides he is already hiding a lot about himself, so he has a small request for Chad.

“You can call me Jared.”

The year passes by, and Jared doesn’t even register most of it. The faint hope he had that he would surely get over Jack by the time he started middle school and meet new people doesn’t exist anymore.

He tried, he really did. He tried paying attention to the girls in his class, he became friends with some of them in the hope that at least one would catch his attention, that one would make him forget Jack and that he would stop being a freak.

That didn’t happen. The more he tried, the more Jack was there, permanently etched in his mind, visiting his dreams every night. There wasn’t a single day that Jared didn’t think of Jack, he would often dig out the shoe box to write on his notebook, and to look at his face in the single picture he had of him. Sometimes at night, he would spend hours looking at it, lost in his thoughts. Other times he would take Jack’s shirt and bring it close to his face, so he could smell him, his scent somehow would bring Jared closer to him. He knew it was wrong, of course, he knew he was a freak of nature but he couldn’t help it. It was as if Jack had become a part of him.

He didn’t tell anyone about it, not even Chad, who soon became his best friend. He couldn’t stand the idea of Chad abandoning him, calling him the freak he was, and he couldn’t tell his parents either, he was sure they would hate him. So Jared buried those feelings for Jack deep inside of him, in a place only he could reach and nobody could take Jack away from him. Even being so wrong, thinking of Jack was Jared’s happy place.

_June 30th, 1995_

_Tomorrow I’m going back to the camp! I can’t believe it’s finally here, I counted the days ever since I came back home, to the day I would go back and see Jack again. I can’t wait to see him again, I wonder if he will remember me. And if his hair is still blue._

The night before leaving for the camp, Jared can’t fall asleep. He’s too anxious, he’s going to see Jack tomorrow, he has to, there’s no other possibility, Jack will be there, after all this time, and they are going to spend another summer together. Even if Jack doesn’t remember him, he’s gonna introduce himself again, they are going to be friends, and Jared wishes he was brave enough to tell Jack his feelings. But he knows he can’t do it, Jack will probably call him a freak and mock him. He’s just happy he gets to see Jack again, that will be enough.

Chad will be going too, and Jared is more than happy to have his friend with him at the camp. He’s sleeping over at Jared’s so his mom will drive both of them to the camp in the morning. It took a lot of effort to convince their mothers, but they finally caved. Chad is out cold on the mattress by Jared’s bed, but Jared himself stays up for a long time, the only thought in his mind being the fact that he will see that blue hair again after so long.

During the whole bus ride to the camp, Jared is anxious. He is getting there soon, he is going to see Jack soon. Chad asks what’s up with him, but Jared brushes him off, telling he’s just excited about going back to the camp.

When they arrive, there aren’t many people there, like last year they were one of the first buses to arrive, and Jared remembers Jack’s was probably the last, so he has to wait. He can barely focus when the counselors tell them which cabin they are in, or when they go to said cabin and have to choose a bed. Chad and him are put in the same cabin as last year, and they pick the same beds. Jared climbs on his, and looks outside the small window. There are more buses arriving, but no sign of Jack. But it’s okay, there’s still time.

They spend the afternoon unpacking and walking around the camp since there’s nothing planned as they wait for everyone to arrive. Jared’s gaze keeps traveling to the place where the buses and cars arrive, but Jack hasn’t come yet.

Before dinner, when everyone is in the cabin showering, Jared is the first one to get ready and he stays in his bed looking outside the window. More buses arrive, and he waits expectantly, watching everyone that climbs out of them, but so far, no sign of Jack. Jared grows impatient, maybe Jack has already arrived and he missed it, and he’s sure there are more buses coming.

By the time they are supposed to go to the cafeteria for dinner, Jared is more than a little anxious. He’s counting on spotting Jack there, by now everyone must have arrived already, so he’s sure he is going to be there.

The first dinner is a chaos as usual, everyone trying to catch up with their friends. Jared does his best to look around the place, see if he can spot blue hair somewhere, but he has no such luck. Maybe Jack’s hair isn’t blue anymore and he can’t find him because of it. Maybe he’ll be able to look better at the night activity, when the counselors separate the teams.

After everyone has finished dinner, Sam grabs the mic and gives the usual greetings, Jared is too distracted to listen, still trying to locate Jack. Only when everyone starts getting up and Chad tells him they are supposed to go grab their flashlights and head to the field, does Jared notice Sam has stopped talking.

As they arrive at the field, a random counselor explains again that they will be divided in ten teams, but again Jared isn’t listening, too focused on looking at everyone in the hope he can finally locate Jack. He’s starting to get a little desperate, he was supposed to have found him by now.

He vaguely registers Andrew, his new counselor, sending him to team 8, and he quickly gets up and walks to where someone’s holding a big sign with an ‘8’ on it. He sits down with the people there, but quickly realizes Jack isn’t among them. Disappointment quickly builds inside of him, he needs to find Jack soon.

The people in their team are making small talk as they wait for everyone to join them, and Jared recognizes the older guy sitting next to him as one of Jack’s friends from last year. Jared is desperate by now, so he turns to the guy.

“Hey! I guess our team will do really good this year, don’t you?”

The guy Jared doesn’t know the name smiles at him. “Yeah dude, there are some good people here, we have a good shot… have you been to the camp before?”

“Yeah, this is my second year here… I was in the winning team last year with Jack… he was your buddy right? I haven’t see him here yet…”

Jared can feel his heart pounding in his ears and holds his breath in expectation, waiting for the guy to give him a clue to where Jack is.

But everything comes crashing down on him when the guy answers.

“Yeah man, Jack is my buddy, unfortunately he couldn’t come this year, I’m not sure why though… it’s really a loss, I’m gonna miss him for sure.”

Suddenly everything is spinning around Jared, there’s a buzzing in his ears and he takes a few deep breaths because he’s sure he will be sick. Nothing matters anymore because there’s only one thing going over and over in his mind.

_Jack isn’t here._

The whole year, everyday, every minute, Jared has waited for the day he would come back to this place and see Jack again, but he isn’t here.

He tries to play cool, he doesn’t want to drag attention to himself, but suddenly he feels nauseated, uncomfortable in his own skin. He doesn’t know what to do, he wants to leave, go anywhere else but here, there’s nothing to do here if Jack didn’t come, nothing makes sense here without Jack and Jared just wants to leave.

After that, everything passes in a blur. The team’s name is picked, the activity is explained and they are sent on their hunt. Jared just follows behind, dragging his feet. His mind goes back to that first night activity where he helped his team - _and Jack_ \- find the last indian and win the thing.

They don’t win the game this time, but Jared couldn’t care less. He goes along with everyone to get the snack at the cafeteria before going to bed, and when Chad joins him telling excitedly how their team won, Jared tries to smile at his friend, but he isn’t sure Chad buys it. He just feels numb.

Jared is the first to get to the cabin, and after quickly changing into his pajamas and brushing his teeth, he climbs into his bed with his notebook, pen and flashlight, and hides under the covers.

_July 1st, 1995_

_Jack isn’t here. I was so sure he would be. I want to go home, I don’t want to stay here without him. But I don’t think they would let me leave if I’m not sick or anything, and I don’t know how I could explain to mom and dad that I wanted to leave right after getting here, specially after talking all year long about this damn camp._

_Maybe it’s Heaven punishing me for being a freak. And now I have to suck it up and stay here without him. It’s just that nothing makes sense here without Jack and I wish I could just leave._

Jared stays awake for a long time, mostly looking outside the window, as if waiting for Jack to magically appear out there during the night. But he never does. When he finally falls asleep, his pillow is wet with his silent tears.

The days pass by, and Jared does everything he’s supposed to do. He participates on the activities, he talks to his cabinmates, makes some friends and plays games. But all the time, it feels like something huge is missing. The camp is exactly the same as it was last year, but to Jared, it couldn’t be more different. Without Jack here, it’s like things aren’t colorful anymore, everything is duller. He puts on a mask and tries to act like everything is fine and he’s having the time of his life, but he just feels empty. He had missed Jack so much back home, but being here, in the very place he met him, it’s almost unbearable. He’s counting the days until he can finally leave and never come back here again.

He doesn’t watch the stars this time.

It’s afternoon and they don’t have anything planned, so Jared wanders alone for a while and ends up sitting down by the lake. There’s nobody around and he’s grateful for that. He places his hands behind him and looks up to the sky. He can feel a warm breeze, and he can’t help but smile. He looks to his left, to the dirt road by the other side of the lake where he saw Jack for the first time, climbing off the bus. Little did Jared know then.

Jared grew up knowing how to pray, his family has always been very religious, and Jared was raised into it, he learned that when he really wanted something, he should pray to God and ask Him. And that’s what he does now. He turns his face towards the sky and closes his eyes. He asks God to bring Jack back into his life. He tells God how much Jack means to him, as if He doesn’t know it already, and he begs Him to let him see Jack again, at least once. He has no idea what he would even do if he actually met Jack again, if he would be able to say something, but he asks Him anyway. He has no idea what God has planned for him, but he begs. He doesn’t want anything else, but please put Jack in his path just one more time someday. Please.

_July 13rd, 1995_

_Please, don’t make me go through this life without seeing him again._

It’s the last week at the camp, and if Jared is counting the minutes to go home, nobody needs to know.

It’s not like he was miserable the entire time. He did have fun, there were some good moments, but Jack has been a constant presence in the back of his mind. Pretty much all the places at the camp reminded Jared of Jack, but he learned to hide it and pretend everything was fine. Specially so nobody would ask him what was the problem, he sucked it up and got through the month.

Today is a whole different story, though. Sam announces during lunch that they will be watching the sunset today. Jared begins to panic, because he can’t do it. He managed to stay at the camp without Jack, to pretend everything was fine, but this is too much. The sunset was a special moment between them last year, Jared could never watch another one without Jack, let alone here, of all places.

Jared spends the whole afternoon freaking out, trying to think of someway to get out of going up the hill later. When Andrew gathers all the boys from his cabin and tells them it’s time to go, Jared approaches him and tries to put on the most miserable puppy face he can muster (which isn’t an impossible task), telling the counselor he doesn’t feel good, his stomach hurts and if it’s possible, he’d rather stay at the cabin.

Andrew isn’t fond of the idea but he apparently senses Jared’s distress, so he makes Jared promise he won’t leave the cabin, which isn’t a problem since Jared has absolutely no intentions of going anywhere else.

Once everyone is gone, Jared climbs into his bunk with his always present notebook, and he closes the drapes as he does so. He can’t bear looking outside the window, not when that’s where he saw Jack for the first time, and even more when the sunset is starting.

_July 25th, 1995_

_I can’t watch another sunset without you._

_I can’t hear someone else’s secret instead of yours._

Jared is relieved because it’s finally the last full day, tomorrow he will be going home and can stay as far away from this place as possible. For Jared, Camp Water Mill is both the best and the worst place he has ever known.

For Valentine’s dinner, Jared invites a random girl from their group, mainly so he won’t raise suspicions. He doesn’t pay much attention to anything, the dinner, the moment Sam announces the winning team (it wasn’t his, but who cares), when they are given the booklets with the pictures from the summer (Jared can’t open his). When they all go to the bonfire for the goodbyes Jared hugs everyone on autopilot, signing the booklets that are handed to him, and giving out his own to be signed as well. To him, it’s a waste of time because he won’t be reading it, but it would be harder if he had to explain.

Jared tries to hold back his tears, remembering this moment a whole year ago, when Jack came to him unexpectedly and gave him a hug that he can still feel. Sometimes, he wonders if it was all a dream. He has dreamed about Jack so many times, he wouldn’t be surprised if his mind had made him up.

When he returns to the cabin later, he opens his notebook and finds the picture of him and Jack inside. Once everyone is asleep, he finally lets the tears fall, looking at the picture and actually saying a silent prayer, thanking God for allowing him to meet Jack at all.

Next morning they get ready to leave the camp, and even though Jared is eager to leave, he feels his chest tightening up, a deep longing feeling growing inside of him for leaving this place, where he spent the happiest days in his life. Unlike that first time, now he’s sure he won’t be coming back. There’s no way to know if Jack would be back for next summer, if he just couldn’t attend this one, but Jared can’t risk it. He can’t spend another month here without Jack, so this is really a goodbye. If he was to return to this camp someday, it would be in an amazing dream where Jack would be with him.

When Jared gets on the bus and finds Chad saving a seat for him, his friend asks if Jared wants the window seat.

Jared doesn’t.


	5. Chapter 5

Jared has been back from the camp for months now, and the thoughts of Jack along with hormones that are starting to appear are driving him crazy. He feels awful for the way he feels, and he feels even more terrible for having to hide it all inside him.

Now he knows for sure he likes boys, well, he likes _a_ boy. He knows it’s far from normal, that he should be thinking about girls that way, but he doesn’t. Jared knows he needs to talk to someone about it, so after a lot of time spent gathering courage and rehearsing what he should say, Jared goes to his mother. Jared’s dad is still at work and he won’t be back for a while, and he finds his mom at the couch reading a book, so he sits at the other end.

“Hey mom, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Sherri eyes him for a moment and puts the book away.

“Sure baby, what’s up?”

Jared takes his time trying to find the right way to say it, apparently all the words decided to leave his brain at this very moment. Looking down Jared starts pulling a thread from his jeans, winding it round his finger, and clears his throat.

“Mom, the thing is… I--I met a boy, and he’s very special, and… and I think I like him, mom. I like a boy.”

Jared can feel himself blushing, still not brave enough to meet his mom’s gaze. She sits straight on the couch and grabs his arm.

“What did you say, Jared?? You’re telling me you like a boy? Is that it?? Please tell me this is a joke.”

Jared’s eyes go impossibly wide at his mother’s reaction and he can’t find his voice to answer her.

“Mom--I… don’t...”

But Sherri holds up a hand, shutting him up.

“Jared, please. This can’t be. Where did you even meet this… boy? Was it at school? I thought that was a good school, but now…”

“No mom! It wasn’t at school, it was at the camp.” Since Jared started, he knows he needs to go all the way.

His mom gasps. “At the camp?? I knew it. I knew I should have sent you to a church camp but no, I read in a magazine that this camp was good, so I was fooled. Do the directors know this stuff happens there?”

“No, mom! Please, nothing happened there, I promise!”

Sherri narrows her eyes at him and studies him for a second.

“Now you listen to me, Jared Tristan. You are _not_ going back to that camp, you hear me? And whatever you think you’re feeling, it’s not right. The Bible says that a man can only love a woman. Everything else is a sin, a big sin. You should never feel this way about another boy, ever, do you understand me? God does not approve this, and I’m sure you don’t want to be a sinner. It’s a phase and you’ll be over it in no time, and when you’re a bit older you’ll even feel ashamed of yourself for even thinking this at all. Someday you’ll meet a nice girl to marry, to have kids with, and this will all have been a lot of nonsense, okay? So, I don’t want you to say these things ever again, and don’t even think about going to your father with this, he would be very disappointed with you. Now, go back upstairs and please let’s just pretend we didn’t have this conversation.”

Sherri grabs her book again and resumes her reading, leaving Jared staring agape at her. When he starts to feel tears prickling behind his eyes, he storms out of the living room and locks himself in his room.

Jared curls into small ball under the covers, he feels dirty and wrong, so wrong he can’t stand it. His last hope had been that his mother would understand, that she would assure him that it was actually okay to feel that way, but now he knows for sure that it isn’t. Jared is a sinner for having those thoughts, God must really hate him, that’s why Jack wasn’t at the camp, so Jared would learn.

Jared doesn’t sleep that night. He knows he’s gonna dream about Jack if he does, and he doesn’t want to. He wishes there was a way to scrub Jack off him, to erase all his traces from Jared’s mind, to forget Jack ever existed.

Finally, Jared sighs heavily, he realizes that even if such thing existed, he could never do it. Even if it hurts more than anything that he has ever felt, he can’t forget Jack. The absence of Jack has become a part of him, he has missed Jack every minute of everyday ever since he left the camp, and by now he can’t remember what’s like not to miss him. Sometimes it feels like a physical pain, burning his insides and leaving him breathless. But Jared could never erase him. Even though Jared knows it’s wrong, he doesn’t regret anything. If he had the option to go back, he’d still go to the camp to meet him. Jack is his happy place.

The feelings still confuse Jared, there are a lot of things he’s too young to understand, but he decides something then and there, he will keep Jack to himself. He has never told anyone about him until today, and to say it didn’t come out the way he planned is the understatement of the year. Jared decides Jack will be his most important secret, along with everything he feels for the other boy. Nobody could ever understand anyway.

He’s to be like every other good boy, he’s supposed to like girls, meet a special one someday to get married and live his life with, and he will do just that. Nobody needs to know that there’s a boy named Jack that came into Jared’s life and changed everything. Jared will hide Jack deep in his heart, a place nobody can ever reach, his biggest secret. Jared will keep Jack in his dreams and there he will stay. Because that’s what Jack is anyway, a beautiful dream that ended too soon, but it’s permanently etched into his mind.

Jared is going to be what he is supposed to be, but he is gonna carry Jack with him.

_January 20th, 1996_

_“Here’s the deepest secret nobody knows_  
_I carry your heart_  
_Anywhere I go, you go.”_

Neither Jared nor Chad go back to the camp that year. Jared just can’t do it, he already knew that, even if his mom hadn’t forbidden him. He had told Chad he wasn’t coming back months earlier, and his friend decided to stay home as well since, in Chad’s words, ‘it’s gonna royally suck without you there, man’.

Chad did ask why he wasn’t going back, and Jared tried to come up with a excuse that wasn’t too lame, telling him that his parents wanted to save money, and he hoped Chad would buy it.

_July 2nd, 1996_

_I’m not at the camp this year and it feels weird. I can’t help but wonder if Jack is there this time. If he already has a new team, if they won the first activity. If he will be singing at the bonfire, getting a lot of notes from secret admirers._

_I wonder if he’s gonna watch the sunset and tell somebody else a secret. It kills me that I won’t know any of it, if he’s there or not, but I could never face that place again without him. It’s for the best._

Jared’s first kiss is a nightmare. He’s 14 years old and he knows it’s probably time for his first kiss. So when Chad comes to him to tell the girl he has kissed a few times after school has a friend who asked about Jared, he asks Chad to introduce them.

The girl is cute, her name is Chloe and she’s cool, a year older than Jared with blond hair and light brown eyes. The four of them walk home from school together, and when they reach a corner, Chad grabs his own girl’s hand and starts walking towards an alley, leaving the two of them alone and raising an eyebrow at Jared.

Jared‘s cheeks couldn’t possibly be more red, he has no clue what to do, he can’t even look at the girl’s face.

In the end, Jared finds himself pressed up against the side of a building, the girl’s tongue inside his mouth, Jared closes his eyes tightly, he tries to go with it but her body pressed against his makes him uncomfortable. When his nose picks up her scent, Jared feels nauseated. He just wants it to stop, he wants to go home, he hates every second of it. He knows he should be enjoying it, it’s his first kiss with a pretty girl, but Jared is feeling the total opposite of it. It feels like torture, and he just wants it to go away.

Jared walks her home because his mom taught him to be nice, so he couldn’t just leave her there. But when she gives him a peck on his lips before going inside, Jared tries really hard not to show the disgust in his face. Once Chloe closes the door, Jared practically runs to his own house, closing himself in the bathroom and losing the contents of his lunch. It was horrible, but Jared tells himself he will get used to it.

He locks himself in his room and finds his box inside his closet, taking out Jack’s shirt. He buries himself in his scent, finally feeling like home, imagining what it would feel like to kiss him instead, to feel those lips against his.

Jared’s gonna learn how to be what he’s expected to be. But _this_ , nobody can take away from him, and he smiles at that thought.

Jeff has moved out to go to college, and even though Jared will miss his brother, he can’t help but think that it’s one less person he has to put on an act to. He honestly can’t wait to get away himself, hiding who you are can be exhausting.. Not that he plans to admit his feelings in the future but he has already decided that one day he will be what he is supposed to be, and he knows he will have to escape his house and family someday.

Jared enters his brother’s old room, chewing his lip as he looks around to see what his brother has left behind. When he finally gets the closet open he finds Jeff’s old guitar, partially hidden beneath some clothes. Jared thinks for a second, but he decides that if Jeff left the guitar here, he didn’t want it anyway. So he grabs it and takes to his room with him. He closes the door quietly and sits on the bed with the guitar on his lap blowing the layer of dust off of it. He grabs a t-shirt that’s lying on his bed and cleans the rest of the instrument as best as he can. Jared has always loved guitars, especially after hearing Jack play one.

Jared tentatively runs his fingers through the strings, but they make an horrible sound. Jared knows enough to recognize it’s tuneless, other than the obvious fact that he doesn’t know how to play. But suddenly, he wants to. He doesn’t even know where this sudden need comes from, but right now, Jared really wants to learn how to play it. Sometimes songs can say a lot more than words.

He knows better than to ask his parents to pay for lessons, they will more likely than not find someone from the church and he will be taught how to play hymns and he so doesn’t want that.

So Jared pays a visit to the newsstand, and uses his allowance on all the magazines with guitar lessons he can find. He even manages to find a tape with video lessons for beginners.

He then spends his free time in his room trying to learn the chords, going through the magazines, watching the guy on the video and learning how to tune the guitar, and to use his fingers the right way to create the melodies.

The first song he plays on his guitar, he finds in one of the magazines. When he reads the chorus, he knows he _needs_ to play it. It has to be his first one, and of course it’s gonna be for _him_. He tests the chords a few times until he gets all the chorus right, and he only sings it when he nails it. He can do it only once, he starts of a bit croaky but his voice gains strength and he goes on until his voice breaks at the end.

Before going to bed that night, he writes the chorus on his notebook.

_May 22nd, 1997_

_"Every step I take_  
_Every move I make_  
_Every single day_  
_Everytime I pray_  
_I'll be missing you_  
  
_Thinking of the day_  
_When you went away_  
_What a life to take_  
_What a bond to break_  
_I'll be missing you"_

It’s the first of many songs Jared sings for Jack.

Jared sits on his bed, with his longs legs stretched out in front, flipping through a magazine, when he finds a quote that gets his attention. He looks behind him, at the dreamcatcher hanging above his bed, that has been there for so long and has given him dreams about Jack every single night since he met him. He grabs his notebook and writes the quote on the inside cover.

_“Some say every night is a night of dreams._  
_Others assure us that not all nights are of dreams, only summer nights._  
_In the end, it doesn’t really matter._  
_What is important is not the night itself but the dreams._  
_Dreams that one can always dream, everywhere, in all seasons, asleep or awake.”_

It’s late at night and Jared can’t sleep. He has been having different thoughts about Jack lately, and it freaks him out. His body is responding more, and Jared can’t help but feel more of a sinner than he already is.

But his desire overpowers any guilt he is feeling at that moment, memories of Jack climbing out of the pool, playing soccer with drops of sweat running down his neck, his cheeks flushed and intense dark eyes, are too strong and he can’t think straight. Jared finds Jack’s jersey, the one he has held tight during so many sleepless nights, when the gap left by Jack is too huge for him to bear. Jared buries his face in it’s thick folds and swears he can still smell Jack, even after all this time. Maybe it’s his brain playing a trick on him, since he has long ago memorized Jack’s scent, but he doesn’t care. He grabs their picture from inside his notebook, and the sight of Jack’s handsome face along with his scent is too much for Jared.

He half lies on the bed, propped up on a couple of pillows, jersey thrown across his chest and picture in hand, and his brain just shuts off. Jared can only feel his cock throbbing inside his boxers, and he instinctively presses his hand down on it, trying to make it stop, but it just makes it worse. Sweat starts trickling down from his tousled hair and travels down his chest, his little pink nipples standing at attention. With images of Jack flashing in his mind he reaches inside his boxers and pulls his hard dick out. Jared tentatively strokes it a few times, he holds his breath and bites his lower lip because damn that feels good.

Jared starts jerking his dick harder, his eyes shut tight, the picture he’s holding etched in his mind. He feels something building up inside of him, and he pants while his lips chant Jack’s name over and over. His body feels the urgent need to release and so he lets go, his orgasm hitting him like a shock running through his body as he comes, spurting long streaks on his belly, Jack’s name still on his lips like a prayer, picture clutched tight in his fist, his spent cock twitching slightly.

Jared slowly comes out of his haze, breath slowing down, and as his brain starts to function again, he starts to panic. He just touched himself while thinking of Jack, and if he already felt wrong before, he can’t even begin to process what he is right now. He knows he just committed a huge sin, the worst kind, and he feels dirty. He quickly tucks his limp dick inside his boxers again and gets up from the bed, throwing Jack’s jersey across the room and the crumbled picture inside the last drawer of his nightstand.

Jared doesn’t even bother finding something to clean up with, instead he runs to the bathroom and gets under the shower without even waiting for the water to warm up. He scrubs himself clean as hard as he can, until his skin is pink and aching, and he knows the wetness on his face is not only water from the shower.

Going back to his room, Jared only bothers to put on new boxers and lies down again on his bed and buries his face in his pillow, little tufts of hair sticking out. He shudders, his mom would kill him if she knew he was getting the pillow all wet.

_Well, if she knew what I just did, a wet pillow would be the least of her concerns_ , Jared thinks, a humorless laugh escaping his lips.

Jared has never hated Jack so much as he does now, for existing, for entering Jared’s life when it was all fine, messing with his head, changing everything he knew and making Jared feel something he should never feel. He hates Jack with all his heart for throwing Jared’s life into a loop, he hates him because he’s out there somewhere living his own damn life completely unaware of the mayhem he has caused to Jared’s. He hates Jack for being so nice, for watching the stars and the sunset with him and for telling his secret, for signing his booklet and giving him a tight hug, for holding his hand before Jared left. For giving him hope when there was none.

Tears burn behind his eyelids and Jared brushes them away angrily, he hates Jack for being in every damn dream he has had so far, he hates Jack because his face never leaves his mind, not even for a second, he hates Jack because he thinks about him every minute of everyday and he can’t help it. He hates Jack for not going back.

He hates Jack because all Jared knows how to feel in his life, is missing him. It’s something that is carved in his insides, almost something physical, an emptiness that Jared doesn’t know how to fill, something he knows by heart now that is wrong, but it’s the only thing he knows how to feel. He is so alone. No one to talk to about any of it.

_November 18th, 1997_

_The thing I hate the most is that I could never hate you, not even for a second._

_~~I wish I could hate you.~~ _

~~~~

Jared barely gets any sleep that night, and when he walks unsteadily into school the next morning, his feet feel two sizes too big, he’s exhausted, emotionally and physically. When Chad asks, Jared lies that he must be coming down with the flu or something. The redness around his eyes helps to back up his story.

Jared’s walking back home when his heart almost stops, he remembers the discarded jersey on the floor. He panics when he remembers what his mom does with the dirty clothes that he leaves lying around.

By the time he gets home and runs up the stairs and into his room, he knows it’s already too late. The jersey isn’t there anymore, he runs downstairs again and goes after his mom, who confirms that yes, she washed the discarded jersey. Jared’s heart starts beating faster, panic rising inside him, his mom washed Jack’s shirt, she washed his scent away.

Jared thinks she asks who the jersey belongs to, he tries not to show his distress so she won’t be suspicious, and he mumbles that he got it by accident after gym class from another boy at the changing rooms. Sherri hands him the now clean and neatly folded jersey and Jared goes back to his room. When he dares to bring it close to his face, he can only smell fabric softener, no trace of Jack’s scent. Tears escape his eyes, he has just lost one of the only connections with Jack he had and all because of his act from yesterday.

He sits down on the bed, clutching the jersey to his slight chest, it doesn’t smell like Jack anymore and he feels so lost.

_November 19th, 1997_

_The jersey doesn’t have your scent anymore, it’s all gone and I don’t know what to do.  
It feels like I just lost another piece of you and the pain is just too much._

Jared becomes the best liar ever. He learns how to pretend to be what people expect him to be. He learns how to keep his feelings to himself, locked inside, somewhere nobody else can reach.

On the outside, he tries to be the perfect straight boy he should be. He learns how to kiss girls without feeling sick. He just tries not to feel anything and pictures Jack’s beautiful face. When he’s kissing a girl, he goes to his happy place and thinks about a boy with blue hair.

He always finds an excuse to dismiss the girls he gets involved with. He doesn’t want to be an asshole, but he can’t let things go any further. Jared is 17 years old, growing taller, stronger, looking more like a man and he should be thinking about taking that next step with a girl (Chad has and he won’t shut up about it - Jared is already traumatized), but that he won’t do. Kissing a girl is already hard enough for him, he could never go all the way. Not now, anyway. He assumes that if he ever marries a girl, he’s gonna have to do it. But he doesn’t _want_ to get married and as he’s not planning on doing that anytime soon, he prefers not to think about it.

While Jared pretends to be someone else when he’s in public, he has stopped doing that when he’s alone. Even though he still sees himself as a freak, he has accepted his feelings for Jack. He eventually got tired of lying to himself, he loves Jack and that’s it. It’s a part of who he is. Missing Jack and the pain has become a part of who he is. He doesn’t get ashamed to touch himself while thinking about Jack anymore. It’s his only escape, it’s when he can get a release from reality and really be himself. Jared can hide in his happy place when he’s alone.

Sometimes, Jared wishes he could tell Jack how he feels. He wishes Jack would know. But then he changes his mind, because if Jack knew, he would see Jared as the freak and sinner he is, and Jared is sure this is something he can’t handle.

He justs wonders if Jack even remembers him.

Of course not.

_October 22th, 1999_

_“"if I never see you again_  
_I will always carry you_  
 _inside_  
 _outside_  
 _on my fingertips_  
 _and at brain edges_  
 _and in centers_  
 _centers of what I am_  
 _of what remains."_

Jared is alone at the house for the weekend, his parents and Megan have travelled to his uncle’s house, and he’s restless. They wanted him to go with them, but Jared prefers to be bored at home than somewhere else so he is staying put.

It’s late at night and he’s in his room flicking through the channels, and he finds a very cheesy romantic comedy. He chuckles to himself, the guys would tease him so bad if they knew but he burrows under his covers and settles into watch.

The scene takes place at a high school, and the popular football player is hitting on the cheerleader (could they be more cliché), and the following dialogue happens:

“So… do you know what would look good on you?” The dude asks with a smirk.

“What?” The chick giggles.

“Me.” The dude answers, arching an eyebrow.

Jared frowns at the screen. Those lines trigger something in the back of Jared’s mind. He has seen this before. He runs to his notebook and takes out the wrinkled page that means so much to him. He can’t stop himself looking at Jack’s face before lowering his gaze to where Jack has written his message. Jared has read this so many times over the years, but he could never understand what Jack meant. Now, Jared reads it once more.

_"I think blue would look good on you._

_-Jackles"_

And then, just like that, Jared gets it.

It’s like getting punched in the stomach, and Jared feels sick. It turns out that Jack _did_ pay attention to him after all. This message was Jack’s way of saying it, and Jared never realized it.

But if this is really true and Jack liked Jared, then that would mean…

Another thought invades Jared’s mind, he can hear Jack’s voice so clearly he could have spoken those words yesterday.

_I can’t tell anyone who I really am._

It’s like a lightbulb goes off. Jared’s expressive eyes widen. After 5 years, Jared finally knows. He covers his mouth with his hand, trying to contain the emotion that threatens to overpower him.

Now he knows who Jack really was, because that’s exactly who Jared is now. Jack was hiding from everyone, just like Jared is.

He can’t believe it.

Jared stops fighting his emotions, because this discovery is too much for him to handle. His hazel eyes fill with tears and he cries desperately, because now he knows that Jack _saw_ him. He saw him the way Jared always wanted him to.

Jared sobs even harder because it doesn’t even matter anymore, since Jack is long gone and Jared has no fucking idea where to find him. He wishes, more than ever, that he had a last name, _anything_ that could help him find Jack.

He feels Jack’s absence deeper than ever before, now that he knows they could have actually been something. Not that Jared believes Jack still remembers him, it has been 5 years after all, but if they met again, then maybe… just maybe.

Sprinting to the bathroom he almost misses the toilet when he loses the contents of his stomach. He spends a long time sitting on the floor, crying for what could have been and never will.

Jared doesn’t sleep that night.

There’s only one thing in his mind. He gets up early and heads to Walgreens. It doesn’t take long to find what he’s looking for. He pays for his purchase and goes back home, closing himself in the bathroom and getting to work.

Jared takes his time with it, he’s careful and follows the instructions thoroughly because he wants it to be perfect. He waits for the specified time and finally rinses it out in the sink, using his mom’s hair dryer to finish it.

When Jared looks in the mirror, his hair is blue.

His mom will likely kill him. She will try to make him ‘take this off his hair’, but Jared doesn’t care, he won’t do it. Right now, nothing else matters, at this moment he feels close to Jack, and he is happy. Jared grins to himself, white teeth gleaming.

He walks back to his room and sits down on his bed, picking up the page again. He runs a blue stained finger over Jack’s message, leaving a small smudge on the paper.

He doesn’t feel like a freak or a sinner anymore, and he finally understands that what he feels isn’t wrong.

Because Jack feels it too. And how could something he feels so strongly be wrong? His love for Jack is the most right thing Jared has, and knowing that Jack is like him proves that he isn’t wrong. What is wrong is the world. He just loves a person that happens to be a boy as well, and it’s a much bigger thing than he can control. And despite everything, Jared doesn’t regret it, even if he had the power to change his feelings, he wouldn’t.

Jack is the one good thing he has in his life, and he swears again that nobody will ever take this away from him. He can still pretend to be someone he’s not, he knows now that Jack has done the same thing, so he’s not alone in this.

But he will never feel ashamed for loving Jack anymore. Jack is his most beautiful secret, that lies within the deepest part of his heart, where only he can reach it. And even if he never sees Jack again, he doesn’t regret a single thing. He will never understand how a person that he spent only a month with, changed his life so much. He has met so many people that lasted way longer and mean nothing to him, and yet in only one month Jack has changed everything.

When he he settles into bed that night, he does the same thing he has done every night for years now, he prays.

Jared pleads for God to put Jack in his path again. Just one more time. And he promises that if this happens someday, he will never ask for anything else in his life.

_January 15th, 2000_

_I envy those people who get to see you all the time. I envy people who get to pass by you on the street, or go to the same class, or sit beside you on the bus. They don’t know how lucky they are. I would give everything to be them._

_I will never love anyone as much as I love you. Even if I meet a thousand people, even if I live a thousand years. Even if I do have a family someday, it will always be you. My deepest secret, my biggest love. My heart will always belong to you._

 


	6. Chapter 6

**PART TWO - _Don’t care what is written in your history_**

 

**Present Day - 2006**

It’s 6:00 am when Jared’s alarm goes off, and he throws an arm out and smacks it off his bedside table. He grumbles as he shifts on the bed, his eyes not ready to open yet. Considers for a second going back to sleep, but he knows he can’t, since it’s the first day of his internship at the rehab clinic. Jared is two semesters away from getting his Psychology degree, one of his teachers recommended him, and he can’t wait to start.

Jared gave a lot of thought about what he wanted to graduate in, and he decided to go for Psychology, because he wanted, more than anything, to help others figure themselves out. He doesn’t want people to see themselves as sinners and freaks like he did. He wishes he had someone to help him when he was younger, so he wants to be there for others.

Jared couldn’t wait to get out of his home. He was tired of hiding from his family who would never accept him for what he is, and he needed a fresh start. So he worked hard and got himself a full ride to University of Texas in Dallas. His parents wanted him to try and transfer to Austin so he would be close to home, but he didn’t do it. If he could, he would have gone even further, but Dallas would do. Chad had been accepted at UT Dallas as well, so they packed their things and left.

It has been good to live away from home. He feels lighter, but even after all this time, Jared is hiding. The truth is, he’s terrified of what everyone would think of him if they knew the truth. Not even Chad, his oldest friend, knows everything about him.

Since he left home, Jared had given up trying to hook up with girls. It left him miserable, and he just doesn’t have the patience to go through that anymore. The downside of that is lying to Chad, when his friend asks if he has met someone lately, he comes up with a story and a chick Chad doesn’t know. He just brushes it off and tells his friend it was just a one-night stand. If Chad suspects something, he has never said. Truth is, his friend is more often than not busy with his own hookups, so it’s not like he has time to pay much attention to Jared’s love life, and for that Jared is grateful.

Jared has thought about trying to kiss a boy to see how that feels like, but he hasn’t met anyone that he is truly interested in and he doesn’t want to just ‘hook up’. Sure, there are some guys at the campus that catch his attention, but a) he doesn’t know if they are like Jared and there’s a high chance he’d get a punch in the face if he tried something, and b) he can’t get past the only person that occupies his mind.

Even after 12 years have passed, Jared still can’t let Jack go. In all this time, there isn’t a single day Jared doesn’t think about the blue-haired boy. He is still there when he wakes up, he is still the last thing he thinks about when he goes to bed. Jared has a hard time trying to understand the fascination he has for this boy after so long - not that Jack is a boy anymore. He doesn’t understand how a person that he spent only one month with left fingerprints so deep in him that after so long, they haven’t faded yet.

Jared often wonders how Jack is nowadays, where he lives, if he went to college. He wonders what Jack’s job is, if he met someone, if he’s happy. He thinks if maybe he could be living in another country even, or if… Jared starts having a small panic attack every time he starts to wonder if Jack could be dead. Because that’s not an option, of course he’s still alive. Even after 12 years without seeing him, Jared needs Jack to be alive, he doesn’t know how he would cope if he found out something had happened to him.

Jared doesn’t have much hope of actually finding Jack someday. A lot of time has passed, and Jack could be anywhere. He could be anything. It hurts that Jared doesn’t know anything about the boy, not even his last name. He dreams about how Jack might look like now, he bets he got even prettier. He doesn’t imagine that his hair is blue anymore, so he wonders what color it really is. He spends way too much time picturing Jack’s deeper voice, stubble on his chin and the fact that he must have grown, everywhere.

Jared has brought his ‘pieces of Jack’, as he likes to call the stuff he has to remind him of the boy, with him to college. He keeps the jersey (even though his mom washed it years ago, it still belonged to Jack) and the notebook with their picture inside it, in a box inside his closet. Sometimes he still likes to write in what he calls “The Jack Book”. It’s Jared’s only way of ‘talking’ to him, it’s when he feels closest to Jack, and it gives him peace. Jared often touches himself, always thinking about Jack, wishing it were him. He stopped feeling guilty over it a long time ago, and just accepted it’s another way to feel connected to the other boy. Jared enjoys being alone so he can have those moments. During their third year, he and Chad moved out of their shared room on campus and rented a small ground floor apartment, close to the college, so it got way easier to have those.

Jared also brought with him the dreamcatcher, and just like in his old room, it’s hung above his bed. To this day, Jared can still feel Jack’s arms around him, and he sometimes wonders if it was really real. There hasn’t been a single day that Jared hasn’t dreamed about Jack. And every night before going to bed, without fail, Jared still prays and asks for only one thing. Just one more time.

Jared takes a quick shower, grabs his backpack and hurries to the door, not without passing by a grumpy Chad who’s getting out of his room, mumbling how his life is unfair for making him getting out of bed this early, like he does everyday.

Jared pops in the coffee shop at the end of the street, and is greeted by Danneel.

“Hey Jared! Did you fall out of the bed? What are you doing here so early?”

He smiles at her as he approaches and leans his long body on the counter, not noticing the few customers staring at his jeans as they stretch over his tight backside. “I’m starting a new internship today, hence the early hour.”

Danni smiles at Jared and winks at one of the pervy customers behind him. “Awesome! Hope it’s a good one. The usual?”

“You know me!”

Danni does, she hands him a grande white chocolate mochaccino with whipped cream and sprinkles **,** and when he gives her a couple of bills, she gives him a charming smile.

“Well, if you go on a date with me, the drink is on the house, hot stuff.”

Jared smirks and places the bills on the counter, turning to leave the shop. “Maybe some other time. See ya, Danni.”

Asking Jared out has become a recurring joke between Danneel and him. They first met a few years back when they shared some classes, and it was obvious the attractive girl was interested in Jared. She would always sit next to him or save him a seat when he was running late, suggest that they would study together, have lunch between classes or a drink on friday night. Jared always turned the last suggestion down, Danneel was a cool girl, and her intentions were obvious. She didn’t keep them a secret, so Jared didn’t want to keep her hopes up. She was fun and he liked having her around, but it would never go beyond that.

Danneel explicitly asked Jared out a few times, and he had to tell the girl exactly that, they could be good friends because he really did care about her and loved having her around, but that was it. Eventually she accepted it and they became great buddies, Danneel being actually one of the few people Jared could call that. She continued to joke about it, asking him out in exchange of free treats at the coffee shop and Jared would harmlessly flirt back. Sometimes, Jared wonders if Danni still has feelings for him, or if maybe she figured out his secret, the real reason why wouldn’t he go out with her. If either one of the possibilities is true, Danni has never mentioned it, and Jared is surely not asking, it’s better this way. He’s just happy to have Danni as a friend, and he wants it to stay this way.

Jared strides over to the clinic then, his long legs making short time, it’s not far, just inside the campus and run by the university. Jared is excited for getting this internship and he can’t wait to start and get to know more about the place.

He approaches the gate of North Fountain Centers and identifies himself to the security guard, showing his I.D. and telling he’s starting to work there today. The guard lets him in and explains to him where he’s supposed to go. Jared thanks the man and laughs at the butterflies in his tummy, he is more nervous than he thought he would be, and heads for the reception, where a nice lady welcomes him and introduces herself as Sophia. She has him fill up some forms and once he’s done, she leads him to an office, where there’s a guy sitting behind a desk.

“Doctor Kane, this is Jared Padalecki and he’s starting his internship today.”

The guy stands up and he’s quite a bit shorter than Jared, not that this is a shock because almost everyone is, he has long brown hair much like Jared’s own, blue eyes and quite an intimidating face. but when he approaches Jared with an extending hand and a smile on his face, the knot in Jared’s stomach loosens a bit.

“Hello Jared, I’m Christian Kane, but you can call me Chris. I’ve been expecting you, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Please, have a seat.”

Sophia exits the office and closes the door behind her as Jared sits down at the chair across from Chris at his desk.

“So Jared, I’m a counselor here at the Center, one of the partners actually, and you’ll be working with me. I graduated at UT 4 years ago and I have been working here since before that. I started as an intern like you, and when I got my psychology degree I was hired. I love this place and helping the patients. You probably know the basics about the clinic already, we don’t work with the average person who comes to us for a 28 day rehab program. We help the homeless here Jared, those who have nowhere else to turn for help and no money to do so. We don’t force anyone to stay, we offer a place for them to live for as long as they need while they go through the rehabilitation process. When we are sure they are ready, we help them in the process of finding a job and eventually a place to live so they can start over and don’t end up on the streets again. I’m gonna show you around the facility and explain how the whole process works and our role in it. But first, tell me about you.”

Chris leans back in his chair and Jared takes a moment to process his thoughts. He didn’t know the clinic was actually for homeless people, he had never visited it before, and this detail excites him. It’s nice to know the university put together a place to help people who can’t afford it and get them back on their feet. It makes Jared more eager to get started.

He looks at Chris and realizes the other man is still waiting for his answer, so he clears his throat.

“Well, I’m from Austin, my family is still there. Came to Dallas because I got a scholarship here, and chose Psychology because I really want to help people figure themselves out. I know it sounds cliché, but I want to make a difference in their lives. Oh, and I live in an apartment near the campus with my old friend Chad. That’s pretty much it, there’s nothing too exciting about me.”

 _Except for the part that I’m in love with a boy I last saw 12 years ago and know absolutely nothing about, but let’s not get into that_ , Jared bitterly thinks.

Chris smiles at him. “Well, wanting to help people is enough around here. You will learn that it’s not always easy, but in the end it’s worth it.”

Chris takes Jared for a tour around the clinic. “We work in the men’s unit. Women’s is on the other side of the building and they are completely separated.”

They start at a large hallway with many blue doors. “These are the dorms. Each one accommodates two patients.” Chris unlocks a door and shows him an empty dorm with two beds, nightstands and closets, as well as a nice painting of mountains and a lake. There’s a bathroom as well and the window has a nice view to the outdoor area.

“A patient is not allowed in any dorm that isn’t their own at any time.” Chris tells him. After, they walk to the end of the hallway where Chris shows Jared the lounge, where there’s a TV, a couple of couches, some tables and Jared can see a pile of board games in a corner.

The continue on and Chris shows him another room they use for group meetings. “We have scheduled group meetings here, they are on up to a few times a day. Each meeting has a different topic.”

They head on up to the cafeteria, the chapel, the conference room and the exam room. Wherever they go, Jared can see a few patients minding their own business, but they always wave at Chris when they pass by which is a good sign.

Chris leads Jared outside, where there’s a nice garden with lots of trees and benches, and a huge lake. The place is empty for the moment. Chris motions for Jared to sit down on a bench with him.

“The patients have a tight schedule here at the center. They wake up early, have breakfast, meditation, and activities throughout the day, such as meetings, education, private time with counselors, treatment work, unit duties, free time, etc. You need to understand, Jared, that it’s hard work. Specially when they first get here. As I told you, this is not a regular clinic where people sign up for a monthly treatment. We deal with those nobody else cares about, those who more often than not have nobody, and a lot of times they don’t want help. Some of them come because they actually choose to, and others are sent here as an alternative so they won’t end up in jail, and we can’t always help them. Sometimes they are in too deep, and as much as we try, unfortunately there’s nothing else to do. But there are a lot of people that we do manage to help get out of this life, help them start something new and that’s very rewarding.

“It’s tough work and it often gets ugly. Specially in the beginning, when they are still highly dependent on drugs and going through the withdrawal symptoms. This is the hardest part and when they need us the most. Our job is to get them through it, and even though it’s hard, it’s worth it. We make a difference in their lives and that’s what matters but there is nothing pretty about this job”

Jared spends the day at the clinic glued to Chris, learning the basics of what a day at the center is like, and Chris tells him he’s gonna show Jared all the aspects of the treatment, including the beginning with the detox, which is the worst part. Jared gets to know a few patients, and he can already see the difference that the clinic has had on them.

When Jared’s shift is over, he’s feeling tired but happy, the rehab center is much more than he expected, he’s feeling excited for having the chance to work with homeless people, those who nobody care about. He chose this career because he wanted to help others and now he’s gonna have a real chance. It’s amazing, for the first time, he feels as though his life has meaning and a real purpose.

After leaving the clinic, instead of going home, Jared heads to Fitzsimons Bar to meet his friends. Chad had texted him asking Jared to join them there. Jared is tired, and just wants to go home and shower, but he decides it won’t hurt to spend a little time with his buddies, and he’s dying to tell them about his first day at the clinic.

Jared arrives at the bar and it’s still relatively empty since it’s only a bit past seven. He takes a quick look around and with his height easily spots Chad, Danni and Milo at one of the booths. Jared greets the three of them and sits beside Milo. Jared and he had a few classes together in Jared’s first year of college and they became friends, and the friendship then extended to include Chad and later, Danni as well. Jared always found Milo gorgeous, and even had a small crush on him in the beginning, but he wasn’t crazy enough to act on it. He got over himself a long time ago since it really didn’t mean anything, and now he only sees Milo as a dear friend.

Chad brings him back to the present by placing a beer in front of him, droplets splashing over the side and landing on Jared’s jeans.

“So Jaybird, how was the first day of work?”

Jared smiles remembering the day he has had. “It was great. I didn’t know much about the clinic, and I’m working with this guy, Chris, who’s very cool and a counselor there for years now. They help homeless drug addicts to recover and start a new life… it’s pretty awesome, in fact; I’m excited.”

Milo turns and frowns up at him. “So Jare, are you gonna work with homeless dudes? That can’t be easy man.”

Jared just shrugs. “I know that, but I just really want a chance to help people in someway, like…”

Jared stops himself before he says what he shouldn’t. _Like I wish I had someone to help me when I needed it._

The others don’t catch his slip and Chad raises his beer bottle. “Let’s make a toast to Jaybird so he can do well in his new job and maybe find himself a nice hot nurse!”

Jared laughs nervously and toasts with them, looking down at the table so he doesn’t have to look his friends in the eye.

When Jared is alone in his room later that night, he picks up his guitar and starts playing a few notes. He thinks back to the day he got this guitar. His old one, which was actually his brother’s in the first place, was too old and no longer good for playing anymore. When he first moved into the apartment with Chad, Jared visited a thrift shop to try and find some stuff for the house, they needed a TV and a couch. There, he found a guitar, it caught his attention because it was similar to the one Jack had at the camp. That and the fact that it was actually in a good shape, made Jared walk out of the store with it. The only sign that it had once belonged to someone else were the initials carved behind its neck. He has spend some time wondering who J.R.A. might be, even making up names, he liked Jim Ronald Arch and Julie Ruth Armstrong and he would think of back stories, of who they might have been.

He comes back to the present, and comes to the conclusion that today has been a good day, he’s excited about his new job and he wishes Jack was here to share this with him. Jared wishes he was in this room with him right now, more than anything. He would give up anything to have that.

The notes become a song, Jared hasn’t played for Jack in a while.

_September 2nd, 2006_

_A hundred days have made me older,_  
_Since the last time that I saw your pretty face_  
_A thousand lies have made me colder_  
_And I don't think I can look at this the same_  
_But all the miles that separate_  
_They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face_  
  
_I'm here without you baby_  
_But you're still on my lonely mind_  
_I think about you baby_  
_And I dream about you all the time_  
_I'm here without you baby_  
_But you're still with me in my dreams_  
_And tonight, it's only you and me_

The next few weeks are very busy for Jared, because of the internship and all the classes he’s taking, but he doesn’t complain at all, because he truly loves working at the clinic. Chris wasn’t kidding when he said it isn’t easy to deal with the patients, especially in the detox phase, but Jared is learning he is good at it and he wants to learn more. Chris takes Jared under his wing, and the younger man follows the counselor everywhere. Jared is slowly learning how everything in the clinic works on a daily basis, how to talk to each patient and learn what they need. He learns about the different drugs the homeless use and the withdrawal symptoms of each of them. Chris lets him sit through some one-on-one talks with the patients, at first he just sits in a corner and listens, but lately Chris has started letting him ask questions as well, and everyone seems to like Jared and feel comfortable around him. Even though he is a large man, Jared tries to exude a calm, warm presence to put the patients at ease.

Jared feels amazing for the first time in so long, finally being able to help people and maybe make a difference in their already so difficult lives. He’s hoping he can get his first solo patient soon, even though it’s a frightening thought being in charge of a person’s treatment, but it’s also exciting and he’s slowly but surely getting ready for it, and he can’t wait for when his time comes.

It’s Friday and Jared is beat. His classes in the morning were draining and they had to deal with a hard patient in withdrawal that was not pretty to see. Now his shift is finally over and he’s so relieved, he can’t wait to go home and sleep through till morning , and since he’s off on Saturday, he can sleep in. Yes!

He says goodnight to Chris, but before he walks out of the office the older man calls him.

“Hey Jared!”

Jared turns around at the door to face him. “What’s up, Chris?”

“I was wondering, do you know that bar, Fitzsimons?”

Jared smiles at the other man. “Yeah, actually, my friends and I hang out there a lot… why?”

Chris shrugs. “It’s just that my friend Steve and I have sort of a band, it’s actually just me, him and a guy who plays drums for us, and we finally got ourselves a gig at Fitzsimons tomorrow, so if you’re free and want to listen to some music, you should show up. And invite your friends as well, I promise we are good!”

Jared smiles hugely, which brightens up his whole face. “Whoa dude, that’s awesome! I didn’t know you played, of course I’ll be there and will bring the gang with me.”

Chris smiles at Jared’s enthusiasm. “Awesome man, I’ll see you tomorrow then!”

The following night finds Jared, Chad, Danni and Milo at the bar waiting for Chris’ band, Raising Kane, to perform.

“This band better be good, Jaybird.”

Jared smacks Chad on the back, hard. “Well, Chris has the rocker looks already, so I think they are, don’t worry!”

The gig is actually very good, Chris is the singer and guitar player, another guy who Jared assumes to be Steve, is on the bass. They play some covers and some original songs, and Jared and his friends find themselves enjoying the performance and feeling quite sad when it’s over. Before leaving the stage, Chris addresses the audience.

“Thanks everyone for listening to us, and for the bar for letting us play for you guys tonight, we hope to see you soon!”

They get a round of applause as they leave. “Okay Jared, I have to admit that was good!” Chad yells as he claps his hands as well.

As it turns out, Chris and Steve join Jared and his friends for a couple of beers after loading their equipment into Steve’s van, and they all compliment the men.

“Thanks, we are only just starting playing for real, but we still need a lead singer… I like singing but I feel we need another voice, we just haven’t found the right person yet.”

Jared doesn’t mention he plays and also likes to sing sometimes, because he can only do it when he’s alone and he doesn’t think he’s good enough for a band. So he just tells the guys he hopes they can find someone soon.

They all have a nice time together, and when it’s time to call it a night, Chad tells Jared he’s spending the rest of the night out with a chick he met at the bar. Jared just chuckles and wishes him a good luck, it’s not the first time. Everyone says their goodbyes, Milo always walks Danni home since they live closer and Jared is left to walk alone to his apartment, not that he minds since it’s not too far.

Jared is distracted on the walk home, singing to himself one of the songs the band played, and when there’s only a couple of blocks left he suddenly senses someone behind him, but it’s too late as the person bumps hard into him and Jared falls down. He hits his knees and elbows hard on the ground, he can’t see much of the person who’s already running away, he can only spot a dark hoodie.

Jared struggles to stand, his arms and legs aching, and when he checks his back pocket, he notices his wallet is gone.

Fucking. Fantastic.

Jared slowly limps home, cursing his bad luck and already thinking about his lost documents. He considers going to the police station, but he decides to do that tomorrow since right now he just want to go home and clean up. He finally reaches his apartment, takes a long shower and addresses his wounds. He bets it’s gonna hurt like a bitch in the morning. He goes to bed thinking that it was an awful way to end such a good night.

Jared wakes up next morning with his phone ringing on the nightstand. He grabs it and tries to put it on his ear.

“ ‘llo?”

“Hello, is this Mr. Jared Padalecki?”

Jared slowly sits on his bed, trying to get more awake and a look at the clock on his nightstand tells him it’s 7 am. “Yes, this is him.”

“Mr. Padalecki, this is the police station, we have your wallet here with us as well as the person who stole it from you, and we would like it if you could come down here, please.”

Jared thanks the officer and tells him he’s gonna be there soon. He sends a silent prayer that he will at least get his documents back, then he quickly eats something and gets ready to leave. He arrives at the station and introduces himself, and he’s soon approached by an officer.

“Hello Jared, I’m officer Morgan.” The older man extends a hand and Jared shakes it. “I was the one who called you, if you will follow me please.”

The officer takes Jared to a room with a big window in one of the walls that shows another room, with a table and a man sitting on a chair, cuffed to the table. He’s wearing a hoodie and he’s looking down so Jared can’t see his face, but he knows this is the man who mugged him. He can see the man is shaking a little.

Without the officer asking, Jared confirms it. “Yeah, this is definitely him.”

“We found him trying to use your money to buy methamphetamine, we brought him here and ran his fingerprints. As we suspected, it’s not his first rodeo. We’re gonna keep him here for a while so he can learn a thing or two, and you can press charges against him.”

Jared listens to the officer but he can’t take his eyes off the man in the other room, and he isn’t sure why. He assumes the man is homeless, from the looks of his clothes and the dirt he can see on his hands, and from the way he’s shaking, he’s probably still high on drugs.

The rational thing to do, what Jared _should_ do, is to press charges like the officer said, grab his wallet, go home and never look back, let the police handle the dude. But what comes out of his mouth surprises even himself.

“Can I talk to him?”

Officer Morgan looks at Jared like he has two heads. “Why would you want to talk to this man?”

Jared just shrugs, he doesn’t have a proper answer for that. “I don’t know. I just want to talk to him, that’s all. Can I?”

Chad would probably beat him to death if he found out he willingly wants to walk into a room with a homeless drug addict, who robbed him just a few hours ago. But Jared feels this is what he has to do, it’s like an invisible force pulling him towards the man. The Officer just leads him to another door, and before opening it, he tells Jared to be careful. Jared gives him a small smile. “I’ve got it.”

Jared slowly walks into the room, still limping slightly from his sore knees, and approaches the man. He doesn’t look up or acknowledge that another person is coming close to him.

“Hey… I’m Jared.” He carefully says, and he notices the hood barely turning to his side, so he goes on. “I’m the guy you robbed last night… and the Police called me to come here.”

The guy doesn’t say anything, but he tilts his face up a bit, and Jared can see a haggard beard framing a thin and pale face.

“They told me you were using the money to buy drugs… and I assume you live on the streets. They also said they are going to keep you here for a while, and I was wondering if I could convince them to let you go to the clinic I work at instead… it’s a rehab clinic for homeless addicts, and I’m sure we could help you there. It’s probably better than staying here or going back to the streets… what do you think?”

The man’s thin shoulder barely shrugs, and Jared knows he’s too out of it to care. Most drug addicts don’t want any help, don’t seem to think they need help, so Jared considers the lack of denial from the other man as a victory.

“I’m gonna go talk to the officer and see if he accepts my proposal… we can really help you there, you’ll see…”

Jared realizes he doesn’t know the guy’s name, so he cuts himself off and walks to the door. Before turning the knob, he hears a low murmur coming from the guy and he quickly turns around.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

The hood tilts up a bit higher and Jared can see a shadowed eye peeking at him, as the man finds his husky voice, and repeats through gritted teeth:

“ ‘m Jensen.”


	7. Chapter 7

Jared’s stomach drops when he hears the man’s broken voice, he can’t say why, but at that moment, he knows he has to help this man, something inside of him tells him so. So before leaving the room to go talk to the officer, Jared gives the smaller man a small smile, he isn’t sure he’s paying any attention but he doesn’t care.

“Well, it’s really nice to meet you Jensen.”

Jared quietly closes the door behind him and heads to the other room where Officer Morgan is waiting.

“So, I take it went well.”

Jared nods. “I guess so. Officer, actually I have a proposal for you, concerning Jensen.”

Morgan frowns. “Jensen? I don’t remember telling you his name.”

“Well, he did.”

Morgan’s eyes go wide with that. “Really? He talked to you? Impressive. So, what do you have for me?”

Jared sits down in front of the older man. “Well, I work in a rehab clinic owned by the university… we treat homeless drug addicts and help them get back into society. You probably have heard of it, since we sometimes get people there who are sent for a treatment as an alternative to going to jail.”

The officer nods. “Yes Jared, I am familiar with the clinic, good to know you work there.”

“Thanks, I’m doing an internship and I like it very much. I feel like we are doing a lot of good. So, I was wondering if you would consider sending Jensen there?… That man needs help, and staying here and then being sent to the streets again won’t help him at all. I won’t press charges, and if we can actually do something for him there, I’ll take responsibility for him.”

Morgan leans back on his chair and looks intently at Jared. “Why do you want to help this man so much? He just stole from you to buy drugs. Why do you care?”

Jared shrugs and looks down and rubbing his knee, answering in a quiet voice. “I don’t know. I just do.”

Morgan stares at Jared for a while before answering. “Okay then, I’ll get in touch with the clinic to see what I can do for you, if you are sure this is what you want.” Jared nods vigorously.

Morgan gives Jared his wallet back, and tells him he’s free to go. Jared refuses though, he tells the officer he wants to stay until he knows what will happen to Jensen.

While Morgan leaves to take care of everything, Jared stays in the room sitting in front of the glass that separates him from the room where Jensen is. He looks at the man and he feels hypnotized. Not that Jared can see much though, just his dirty hands and a piece of his beard, since Jensen keeps his head bowed and the hood on, hiding most of his face. And yet, Jared can’t tear his eyes away from him. Jared feels something inside when he looks at the other man, something so deep he almost misses it, and Jared doesn’t have a name for it, since he’s never felt it before and doesn’t understand. All he knows is that he wants to help this man. He feels like he has to. If he can make something good come out of all this, then he at least wants to try.

Morgan comes back into the room, calling Jared’s name three times to get his attention.

Jared sheepishly looks back at him and apologizes, and the older man chuckles.

“What is so interesting about this man, Jared?”

Jared shrugs and doesn’t meet Morgan’s eyes. “I don’t know.” He admits. “Just wanna help him, that’s all.”

Morgan nods. “Okay. I’ve contacted the clinic for you, they have confirmed that they have space for Jensen and they are ready to admit him. We’ve filled out the paperwork and now we’re waiting for the patrol car to come back so we can drive him there.”

Jared lets out a breath, he’s relieved the guy will be able to go to his clinic and be treated there instead of having to stay locked up in this place.

“Before you even ask” Morgan continues, “you can’t ride with him, sorry.”

Jared closes his mouth shut and huffs, because he was gonna ask exactly that. “Okay, fine. I’m gonna go to the clinic and wait for him there.” Jared looks at Jensen and back at Morgan. “You promise he’s gonna go there, right?”

The officer puts a hand up on Jared’s shoulder. “Yes, Jared, don’t worry. I’m gonna go in there and talk to him, explain how things work, and within the next hour, he will be at the clinic.”

Jared wants to ask if he can go speak with Jensen as well, but he knows better. So he offers his thanks to the officer, casts one last glance at Jensen and leaves the room.

Jared takes a bus and arrives at the clinic as quickly as he can, finally running into the reception area. Sophia is behind the desk, her eyes widening when she sees Jared racing into the building, puffing slightly.

“Jared, what are you doing here? What’s the emergency, I thought it was your day off?”

“It is.” Jared sits down across from her at the front desk and answers, breathless. “I’m here to wait for a patient.”

Sophia frowns and picks up a sheet from a pile next to her. “Jensen Ackles? It’s the only one scheduled to arrive today.”

When Jared hears Jensen’s last name, he’s hit with a feeling of deja vu, but he shrugs it off as if it’s nothing. It isn’t, anyway, he doesn’t even know the man.

“Yes, that’s the one.” He tells Sophia. “He kinda mugged me last night and they called me at the police station because they caught him… so I convinced them to let him be admitted here for treatment instead of going to jail.”

Sophia stares at him. “Do I even bother asking why would you do that to a person who mugged you?”

Jared shrugs. “I wouldn’t, because I don’t even have a clue myself. I just wanna help him, that’s all.”

Sophia gives Jared a mysterious smile. “Okay. Let’s give him the best treatment, then.”

Jensen is brought by the cops about half an hour later with two officers escorting him. Jared leans over and tries to see his face but it’s still covered by the hoodie. One of the officers introduces him and quickly signs a paper Sophia places in front of him. She leads them to the detox area where Jensen will be staying. Jared follows behind, his eyes never leaving Jensen’s back, but as they enter the area the door is closed behind them and Jared doesn’t follow. He knows the doctor will examine him, he’ll be well taken care of, and as much as he wants to go in there, he’s gonna let them do their job. He’s just an intern after all and he’s not even on the clock today, he really wants to help Jensen but he’s gonna wait until tomorrow and talk to Chris about it.

That doesn’t stop him from staying at the clinic so he can try and get information on Jensen’s state, though. After the officers and Sophia return and both men are out of the door, she eyes him, silently asking if he shouldn’t be gone as well.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m not going until I hear about Jensen.”

Sophia throws her hands in the air in surrender. “I’m not even gonna say anything.”

A couple of hours later, one of the nurses comes out in the reception area and looks at Jared with a surprised look on her face.

“Jared? What are you doing here today, I thought you were off?”

Jared shrugs. “I met Jensen, and… I wanted to make sure he is okay, that’s all.”

Alexis gives him a small smile.

“He’s fine for now. He told us the last time he had meth was 2 days ago, so he’s going into withdrawal. It’s not going be pretty, he’s a longtime addict for sure. We have treated him with Mirtazapine for now and he’s sleeping soundly, as we both know, he will probably be sleeping a lot. My guess is that he’s not going to wake until morning.”

“Can… can I see him, Lex?”

The girl nods. “Of course, Jare. Let’s go.”

They enter the detox area and Alexis walks Jared to Jensen’s room, the first one in the hall, and as she opens the door, he notices he has no roommate. She closes the door behind him, and he slowly walks towards the bed.

He stops by the side of it, taking in the sight of Jensen lying there, and Jared can see his face for the first time. Jensen is sleeping deeply, and the first thing Jared notices is that Jensen is cleaner now, clearly having taken a shower, and he’s wearing clean blue scrubs. Jared studies his face, there’s not much to see actually, as he had noticed before, he has a long haggard beard, and hair that Jared can’t even imagine the last time it had seen a pair of scissors. His face is pale and thin, as expected from someone who has been a drug addict for a while.

Staring at his face, Jared is overtaken by deep emotion coursing through his veins, something that he can’t explain. On instinct, Jared’s hand touches Jensen’s face, and it gently runs through his messy hair. Jared can’t wait for Jensen to get rid of his beard and get a haircut, so his face can be more visible. He looks at Jensen and he’s hypnotized again. His eyes get wet and Jared doesn’t understand what’s happening to him, all he knows is that he needs Jensen to be okay. He _has_ to be okay.

“I’ll take care of you, Jensen.” Jared whispers to the sleeping man. He _will_ take care of him, and not because it’s just his job to do so.

He is reluctant to leave Jensen at the clinic and Alexis almost has to throw him out of the door. Jared makes her promise to call him if anything happens or have someone do it when she goes home herself, and she agrees. Jared could tell she was confused and wanted to know more, but he didn’t feel like sharing.

Jared gets back to his apartment and finds Chad in the living room playing Donkey Kong. When Chad sees Jared’s home, he pauses the game and turns to him.

“Dude! Where have you been? Did you find yourself a chick last night as well?” Chad wiggles his eyebrows at Jared, who drops down on the couch next to his friend, stealing his cold beer from the coffee table and taking a long gulp.

“Nah… actually I got mugged last night.”

At Chad’s shocked face, Jared begins to tell everything that happened to him, how a homeless drug addict stole his wallet, how he was called by an officer to go to the police office and met the guy, how he suggested they took the guy to the campus rehab clinic and how he was there until now, to make sure he was doing alright.

When he’s finished, Chad’s eyes are wide opened and staring at him, Wii controller forgotten in his hands.

“Dude I know you better than to ask anything. But I want you to know you are just a big sap, and I hope you know what you’re doing.”

Instead of answering, Jared just snatches the controller from Chad’s hand and unpauses Donkey Kong. _Me too_ , he thinks to himself.

Jared wakes up next morning feeling like crap, it’s like he didn’t get any rest at all. He lays there,rubbing his tired eyes, and tries to wake up. He couldn’t sleep well, kept waking up and worrying about how Jensen might be, checking his phone every couple of hours but there were no missed calls. So he crawls out of bed, rubbing his sore knees, takes a quick shower and grabs a muffin to eat on his way out. Chad asks why he’s leaving earlier than usual, but he just tells his friend he has things to do at the clinic (which isn’t exactly a lie, he _is_ going to the clinic and he will definitely have things to do there).

When he arrives, he greets the receptionists and heads straight for the detox wing, knocking twice before quietly opening the door. He’s greeted by a blonde nurse this time of the morning.

“Morning, Jared! Nice to see you so early in here!” Alona smiles at him. She has been kind to him ever since Jared started working at the clinic.

Jared returns the smile. “Hey Al! Nice to see you too… I just wanted to…”

But Alona cuts him off mid-sentence. “Don’t bother, Jare. I know it’s about the new guy, Alexis filled me in already.”

Jared lowers his head, feeling himself blushing a little. “Yeah, I just… wanted to know how he’s doing ya know.”

Alona chuckles. “It’s okay dude. He started running a low fever and we took care of it. A couple hours ago he woke up asking for meth, he started shaking and was very disturbed, so we gave him a mild sedative and now he’s back to sleeping again. We hope he will be up soon so he can eat something.

Jared nods while taking in the information. That’s pretty usual for meth users when they start going through the withdrawal phase, and he knows there’s much more to come. He just wishes he could spare Jensen from all of it. Jared tells Alona he’s taking a quick look at Jensen, and as he enters the room and approaches the bed, he takes a close look at Jensen. The man looks exhausted even in his sleep, and he’s sweating. Jared knows this is normal as well, he gently runs a hand over his forehead just to check for a fever, but he feels okay. If his hand lingers there for a moment longer than necessary then nobody needs to know. A small smile lingers on Jared’s lips without him even being aware of it.

“Good morning, Jensen.”

Jared enters Chris’ office, after having reluctantly left Jensen’s room.

“Hey Jare, what’s up? Enjoy the gig on Saturday?”

Jared slumps into his chair and smiles at him. “Yeah dude, it was great. You guys are just awesome.”

Chris shrugs. “Yeah, like I said we still need a good lead singer, but we get by for now. I’ll let you know about the next gig if you’re interested.”

“Yeah sure man! I’d love to… listen, Chris, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Chris probably feels Jared’s nervousness as he takes a closer look at him. “What happened, Jared??”

Jared takes a little while to answer. “It started with me being mugged after the show on Saturday.”

Chris’ eyes widen at that. “What? How come? What did they take? Did they hurt you?”

“The guy took my wallet when I was walking home, but he didn’t hurt me. I got a call yesterday morning from a police officer asking me to go to the station, because they had captured the guy and had my wallet there.”

Chris whistles at that. “Whoa, glad it ended well.”

Jared grimaces. “You see… It actually didn’t end there.”

“What do you mean?”

Jared feels his cheeks go hot, and doesn’t meet Chris’ eyes.

“Well… have you heard already of the new patient at detox?”

It takes a few seconds for the other man to put 2 and 2 together. He grabs a paper that was lying to his left at the table, taking a look at it and back at Jared.

“Jensen Ackles? Is that the man who mugged you?”

Jared shrugs, still looking down. “Maybe.”

“Care to elaborate, please?”

“The thing is...” Jared begins, “when I arrived at the station they told me he is a meth addict, and that they would keep him there, I’m sure they were gonna hurt him. I took a look at him behind the mirror and I just wanted to talk to him. I don’t know Chris, he seemed so lost, I told him about the clinic, he didn’t actually agree to come here because well, he must have been pretty out of it, but he told me his name. And I just wanted to… I want to help him. I didn’t want to leave him there. So I talked to the officer and he agreed to bring him here, I didn’t press charges against him either. Don’t ask me why I want to help him, Chris, like all the others did. I just do and I don’t know why. I feel like I have to, that’s all. I want Jensen to have a chance.”

Jared finishes and Chris just looks at him for several moments. “Okay, Jared. Let’s take care of him then just like we always do.”

Jared nods, still feeling nervous. “Thanks man… but there’s one thing I wanted to ask you.”

“Okay, let’s hear it.”

Jared looks up with wide eyes, takes a deep breath and lets it all out at once. “I want to ask you permission to be Jensen’s counselor.”

“You want to be Jensen’s counselor. I’m not sure I’m following.”

“I want to be his official counselor. I want to be responsible for him and his rehabilitation here.”

Chris stays silent for a few minutes, considering Jared and what he just asked him.

“I know you asked me not to ask you, but why, Jared? This guy robbed your things, he’s just another homeless addict like so many others we have here. Why him, all of the sudden? Why do you care so much?”

“I told you Chris, I don’t know. It’s not only because I want to, because I do want to, but I just _feel_ it. I feel like I have to do this and I don’t have a clue why. If you say no, I will understand, maybe I’m not ready yet. But if you let me be responsible for him, I swear to God I’d do anything in my power to help him.”

Chris narrows his eyes, taking in everything Jared just told him. After a few minutes of Jared sitting there nervously fidgeting, the older man has his answer.

“Very well, Jared. I trust you, you are a good professional, you know how to handle the patients and you’ve learned a lot since you started. We’re gonna go check on Jensen, I’m gonna assess him, and then he’s all yours. But I need your word that you’re gonna come straight to me if something happens that you can’t handle alone. This is very serious, we’re dealing with someone’s life here. I need you to promise that to me.”

Jared feels so thankful and relieved, and he nods eagerly at his boss. “I will Chris, I promise! If anything starts getting out of my control I’ll call you straight away. Thank you so much, I won’t disappoint you or Jensen.”

Chris nods, smiling back at him. “I know you won’t, kid.” He grabs Jensen’s file and gets up, motioning for Jared to follow him. “Let’s go see Ackles.”

Jared and Chris walk together to the detox wing, and when they enter the main room, Jared senses that something is wrong. Alona is sweating, hurriedly preparing a syringe. Chris quickly closes the door behind them and asks what’s happening.

“We have a situation with the new guy, Ackles.”

When Jared hears that, all thoughts leave his mind and he’s at her side in a second.

“What happened to him, Alona?”

The nurse takes a step back and looks at both counselors.

“When he woke up he was really agitated, he came in here asking for meth, I said I couldn’t give it to him, then he said he was leaving and again I said I couldn’t let him. I tried to calm him down, he didn’t seem dangerous or anything, just desperate. He ran back to his room a couple minutes ago and I’m going to administer a sedative to calm him down slightly.”

She starts walking back to Jensen’s room when Jared puts a hand on her shoulder, stopping her midway. He looks both at Alona and Chris.

“Let me try to handle it. I kinda got through him a little bit at the station, maybe I can talk to him,help him calm down a bit. I don’t want Jensen to be sedated again. Just a few minutes please. If it doesn’t work you can do your thing.”

Alona looks from Jared to Chris, as if asking for permission. Chris just shrugs and nods. Jared doesn’t wait any longer as he sprints to Jensen’s room. When he gets in, it takes him a few seconds to locate Jensen.

He finds him on the floor, sitting against a wall by the side of his bed. Jensen has his knees tucked to his chest, his arms wrapped around them, his face between his knees. His shoulders are trembling, his nails digging into the skin of his forearms. Jared can tell he’s really agitated, maybe even on the verge of a panic attack. So he carefully approaches him, making small noises to show Jensen he’s in the room, and he sits down with his legs crossed in front of the other man, keeping his distance so Jensen has his space.

“Hey, Jensen.” Jared says in a quiet voice, trying to not startle the man. “Can you hear me?”

Jensen doesn’t give any signs that he’s even aware Jared is there, but Jared continues softly. “Jensen, it’s Jared. Do you remember me, buddy? I met you at the station when they brought you there after… well, after you stole a wallet.” Jared chuckles. “I talked to you when they put you into that room, and I told you about this place where we could help you. You even told me your name. And I told you mine is Jared. Do you remember that?”

Jared waits a few minutes, and he isn’t disappointed. Very slowly, Jensen stops trembling, but still doesn’t look up. Jared counts that as a small victory, so he keeps talking, trying to get through to him.

“I told you we had a place here where we help people. They agreed to bring you here, and we are gonna help you get better too, Jensen, I promise.”

Jared waits patiently, and then painfully slow, Jensen’s head starts to rise. When he looks at Jared, the counselor can see his eyes are bloodshot, there are tears running down his pale face, and his lips are quaking.

But when Jared looks into Jensen’s eyes for the first time, he’s hit with an emotion that overwhelms him. Jensen’s eyes are pure green, the most beautiful shade he has ever seen, Jared is sure there are specks of gold there as well. Both men stare intently at each other, and Jared can feel a single tear, that he can’t explain, running down his cheek.

“J-jared?”

The spell is broken when Jared hears Jensen’s small voice. It’s like he has just made a big effort just to say that. Jared gives him a small smile, so happy to hear Jensen say his name, a sign of recognition in Jared’s eyes.

“Yeah buddy it’s me. You remember me, don’t you?”

Jensen nods, as his sobbing intensifies. “Help me Jared, please. I need my crank, I need it now, give it to me Jared, please. Please.”

Jensen’s voice is so desperate and broken, more tears well up in Jared’s eyes. He tentatively gets closer to Jensen, and gently places a hand on his arm. At first, Jensen cringes, but he doesn’t pull away.

“You know I can’t do that, buddy.” Jared’s own voice cracks. “But as I said, this place here is made to help people like you to get better.”

Jensen scoffs. “There’s no help for me, Jared.”

Jared nods. “Yes there is. This clinic specialises in homeless drug addicts. We help them get through the whole process until they are clean and ready to join society. We help people get a new job, a new life, so they don’t have to get back to where they came from. We can do the same for you Jensen, it does get better, I promise.”

Jensen shakes his head, whimpering. “I can’t Jared, I can’t!”.

He starts lowering his head but Jared grabs his chin and makes Jensen look at him again.

“You _can_ , Jensen. I won’t lie to you, it won’t be easy. It’s hard work and it’s gonna be very painful. But you can do it. We will help you, but this is your decision. You need to help yourself, you need to be strong to fight this fight with us. It will be worth it in the end, I promise you Jensen.”

Jared holds his gaze, as if to get the message across. Jensen is quiet for a few minutes before tentatively giving Jared his answer.

“Will you be the one helping me?”

Jared smiles, his whole face lighting up, and his grip on Jensen’s arm tightens. “I’ll be with you every step of the way.”


	8. Chapter 8

Both men stay sitting on the floor a while longer, not saying a word, Jared waiting for Jensen to take it all in. He still can’t stop staring at him, he just can’t wait for the beard and the hair to go, so he can finally see his whole face. But the eyes… Jensen’s eyes are so special, Jared feels somewhat hypnotized by them.

Finally, Jensen nods and starts trying to get up, but since he’s so fragile and worn out, Jared quickly gets to his feet and helps the other man. Jensen leans heavily on him and together they get him on his bed again. Jared knows he isn’t okay yet, won’t be for a while, he’s still craving his hit, his hands are still shaking, but at least he is calmer.

“Hey, Jensen...” Jared asks, trying to fold his long frame on Jensen’s bed while still giving him space. “Do you think you’d be up to eating a little something now?”

Jensen shakes his head vigorously. “No, Jared, I-- I can’t, I’m gonna be sick, I…”

Jared interrupts him placing a hand gently on his leg. “Hey, don’t worry, just a few crackers, and if you don’t feel good you don’t have to eat. Just try it, okay? You must start eating something to keep your strength up.” Jared knows Jensen’s appetite will increase a lot soon, due to the meth withdrawal, but he has to get the man to start eating something anyway.

Jared leaves the room, after promising him he’s only going to get food and will be right back, and finds Alona in the other room, a shocked expression on her face.

“Whoa Jared, what you did back there with Jensen... was quite impressive. It’s almost like you’ve already know each other.”

Jared shrugs. “Nope… we’ve met only yesterday. Is Chris gone already?”

“Yes, he had some patients to visit. He says he’ll talk to you later.”

Jared nods and grabs a plate with some crackers, going back to Jensen, who seems to be anxiously waiting for his return. He hands the plate to Jensen, who tentatively takes a bite of one cracker and looks a little bit sickly, but eventually he manages to eat all of them, Jared is proud.

When Jensen is done, he hands the plate back to Jared. “ ‘m tired.”

Jared smiles gently at him. “Well, I’m not surprised. You should take a nap and I’ll be back later to check on you and so we can talk, okay?”

Jensen nods and Jared waits until he’s out cold, and then leaves the room.

He goes back to Chris’ office just as the older man is returning there as well. Both men enter and sit down at Chris’ desk again.

“So Jared, I’m very impressed with what you pulled out with Ackles back there. Not a lot of people can do this, it’s like you can get through him and he trusts you. It’s incredible, really, specially because you’ve only met yesterday. If I had any lingering doubts, they are all gone now. You can take full responsibility for Ackles’ case.”

Jared beams at his boss. “Thanks Chris! I’ll do my best to help Jensen.”

Chris returns the smile. “No doubts about it.”

Jared takes care of the other patients with Chris after lunch, and when they are done, the older man sends him to talk to Jensen, to get a first evaluation of his case and see the best way that they can help him. “But I guess you already know that”, Chris adds jokingly. Or Jared thinks so, at least. He has been anxious for this moment if he’s honest, he wants to know how Jensen is doing.

He hurries to the detox wing, and Alona informs him that Jensen woke up a couple hours ago and had a decent meal, she jokes that what he actually ate could feed three grown ups. Jared is not surprised in the least. She informs Jared that Jensen is in the common area, so he heads that way.

He finds Jensen in an armchair in the corner of the room. He’s sitting with his knees pushed up to the seat, his side lying against the backrest, his eyes staring blankly at some point on the white wall. Jared approaches him, and he can see he’s shaking a little. One more withdrawal symptom.

Jared crouches down by Jensen’s side, who doesn’t even notice he’s not alone anymore. It takes Jared calling Jensen’s name repeatedly for the man to notice it. He slowly turns his head around until his eyes meet Jared’s and he gives him the faintest of smiles.

“Hey, Jared.” Jensen says in a quiet voice.

Jared can’t help but smile back at him. “Hey there, how are you feeling now?”

Jensen lifts his thin shoulders slowly. “Dunno. Weird. Tired. I want my crank, Jared.”

“Sorry Jensen, you know that can’t happen. But I was wondering if you and I could have a talk, what do you say? Would you come with me back to your room for a few minutes?”

Jared waits patiently until Jensen nods. He gingerly gets up from the chair and tests his balance on his feet. Slow moving is also normal, so Jared just hovers over him just in case he falters. Jared keeps up with Jensen’s snail’s pace and together they make it to Jensen’s room. Jensen gets on his bed and Jared waits until he’s comfortable, then he sits at the edge of it, clipboard and pen in hand.

“So Jensen, as I said I’ll help you on this journey to get you free of your addiction. That means we will be talking a lot, okay?” Jensen nods. “Okay, so I’ll ask you a few questions and you just feel free to answer them or not, good?” The other man nods again.

“Excellent! I see in your file, your full name is Jensen Ross Ackles, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And where are you from originally, Jensen?”

“Right here, Dallas.”

Jared nods. “You know, I moved here only to go to college. I’m originally from San Antonio, that makes us both Texas boys.” Jared decides to share a bit of himself as well to put Jensen more at ease.

Jensen gives him a small smile. “Texas is good. I miss a good juicy steak to be honest.”

Jared chuckles. “Maybe you can have one soon. So, how old are you?”

Jensen thinks for a moment. “I turned 27… I think? I was born on 1979… March 1st.”

Jared nods and writes down the information. “Okay, and how long have you been living on the streets?”

Jensen thinks for a longer time now. “Dunno for sure… 5, 6 years maybe? I lost count, don’t keep a calendar on myself ya know”

“Were you living at home before that? What happened?”

Jensen shrugs and stays quiet for a while, his eyes looking out of the window as if he’s reliving parts of his life. When he speaks, his voice is devoid of any emotion.

“Not anymore. I haven’t lived at… _home_ ever since I was 18. My family didn’t get me. They sent me to a relative who also didn’t get me, so I ran away. I’ve lived here and there until I couldn’t afford it anymore. I took the wrong path and here I am now.”

Jared waits but it’s clear that Jensen doesn’t want to share anymore and he won’t press him.

“Well, we are here to guide you to find a new path.”

Jared offers Jensen a smile and he’s rewarded seconds later when he sees the corner of the man’s mouth turn up.

Jared arrives home that evening feeling tired as hell but satisfied. He and Jensen had talk for over an hour, actually he did most of the talking but his patient didn’t let him down. He told Jared he have been using methamphetamine for a few years now, he started with antidepressants but when he ended up on the streets he moved to meth. Jared knew Jensen was hiding a lot of things, he looked sad while talking about how his addiction started, which is no surprise to Jared of course, but there is a lot of unsaid things. Jared never pushes Jensen, if the other man wants to share, Jared will be there to listen. And he really hopes Jensen can share, at least a little bit, because he really wants to help him, he needs Jensen to get better. Instead, he let Jensen know how their program is gonna work, he told him that after the drug leaves his body he’s gonna leave the detox wing and move to rehab. Jared knows the man has potential, he can see he’s smart and he only needs help to start a new life. Jared feels proud that Chris trusted him to be Jensen’s counselor and he won’t let his boss down.

Chad is in charge of dinner, so when Jared finds him in the kitchen the man is defrosting two lasagnas, as usual. Jared has long ago given up on arguing for Chad to get something healthier, so he just goes with it. Once their food is hot, both men grab their plates and a bottle of beer each and make themselves comfortable on the couch, and Chad finds Ocean’s Eleven on TV. He asks Jared how it went at the clinic, and Jared briefly tells him about it, including his progress with Jensen. He doesn’t say much though, he wants to keep whatever is going on between Jensen and him in private, thank you very much. For the moment, he just finishes his meal, helps himself to another beer and enjoys the movie. He tries to push Jensen out of his mind just for the night, but that part isn’t possible, unfortunately.

The next few days aren’t easy for Jensen. He’s hit with withdrawal symptoms full force and Jared has had enough experience with other patients to feel very bad on Jensen’s behalf. Since Jensen is his first official patient, Jared is with him more often than not (if Jared makes an effort to be around _more_ than he’s actually required to, nobody needs to know), therefore he’s around to see Jensen suffering with the effects of the lack of meth in his system first hand.

Jensen has been very agitated and anxious, and like that first time, Jared has to try and talk him through it for the other man to calm down at least a little. He also sleeps a lot but sometimes it’s a restless sleep, Jared can tell Jensen has nightmares and he knows how vivid they can be. He wakes up shivering and running a fever. More often than not, he’s too tired to do anything else except lie in bed, but he has continued to eat a lot, basically anything he can get his hands on. Alona tells Jared that Jensen throws up sometimes and feels nauseated and unwell.

Jared tries to help him the best he can, tries to get Jensen to be strong to get over it, but Jared himself knows it’s too hard sometimes. One of the main withdrawal symptoms is depression and Jared can clearly see Jensen falling into that. He’s treated with Paxil, that works as an antidepressant but not on a highly dose since it has a lot of side effects and Jensen isn’t in the best shape for dealing with them right now. So he often shuts down and won’t talk to anyone, not even Jared. More than once, his sessions with Jensen are passed in complete silence on his patient’s side. Jared does the best he can, even reaching Chris for professional advice to try and yank Jensen out of his state of mind. Dealing with what Jensen is going through isn’t easy, he often yells at Jared, or cries, or pleads. He begs for his drug, for a release, he blames Jared for everything, tells the counselor he’s the reason for his pain and seconds later he’s crying and telling Jared how sorry he is.

Jared is drained, day after day he gets home and wants nothing more than to eat something, take a nice long shower and get to bed. He updates Chad but he never gets past the basics, he won’t share details about Jensen’s treatment, one because he can’t and two, he frankly doesn’t want to. So yeah, he’s tired as hell and has no energy for anything else at the moment, but he has no regrets. He’s doing what he feels he needs to.

One week after Jensen is admitted, Jared enters his room as usual to check on him, he greets Jensen and gets no response even though he can see Jensen’s awake, which is not like him. Jared approaches the bed carefully and repeats Jensen’s name. When Jensen’s head turns towards him, his eyes look right past, as if he’s not even seeing Jared.

Jared thinks he could be hallucinating, so he gently touches Jensen’s arm and that gets the other man to finally acknowledge him. Their eyes lock and Jensen’s face changes and he takes Jared in, his eyes suddenly brimming with tears.

“It’s you.” He whispers to Jared, in complete awe.

Jared frowns. “What?”

Jensen takes Jared’s hand and squeezes it hard.

“It’s you, oh my God it’s you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I couldn’t go back to see you again!”

Jared isn’t sure what to say to that, he doesn’t know who ‘you’ are, so he feels completely lost and still trying to think of what to say when the other man opens his mouth again.

“J…” Jared can see him trying to force the word out but nothing comes. So he places his other hand on Jensen’s shoulder and squeezes it, shaking it very gently, trying to get the man back to reality.

“Yeah buddy, it’s me, Jared. Can you hear me? You’re at the rehab center, remember? I’m Jared and I’m your counselor. I want you to look at me and focus, okay?”

Jared forces Jensen to look at him and talks him through until he comes out of his haze. Jensen blinks rapidly until his eyes become clear, and Jared can see him slowly coming back to the present.

“Jared?” Jensen says with a rusty voice, pressing his thumb and forefinger on his eyes, trying to get them more focused.

“Welcome back. I’m gonna guess you were pretty far away, huh?”

Jensen looks out of the window for a long time, without saying anything. Jared assumes he’s thinking about what he was seeing and he wonders if it was something real, if he was talking to someone that actually exists. He doesn’t ask, just lets Jensen take his time. When he finally speaks, he doesn’t move and his gaze remains distant.

“Yeah, I… I guess I was in another life. A much happier one.”

Jensen doesn’t elaborate further, Jared tries to talk to him so they can carry on with their therapy session of the day, but Jensen is mostly monosyllabic. Jared doesn’t force anything, of course, he knows Jensen is having a bad day, so when their session is over he tells his patient that he will be back to check on him later.

He does that a couple times in the afternoon, but he finds Jensen still quiet and staring at nothing. He tries again to talk to him, but it’s all in vain. He feels helpless, wishes he could do something more for Jensen, and when he goes home he feels worried about him. He hopes he’s feeling better tomorrow, that he will finally talk to Jared, so he can find a way to at least begin to help him.

Halfway home, Jared’s phone buzzes in his pocket, and when he picks it up, he sees it’s Chad. When he answers, there is a loud background noise, so he assumes Chad is probably at some bar.

“Hey Jaybird!” Chad screams, making Jared hold the phone away from his ear. “Listen man, I’m here at Fitz with the dudes, come here and have some beers with us!”

Jared pinches the bridge of his nose. he’s so not up for that right now, he is really worried and he has an early call tomorrow. “Sorry man, I’m tired, had a long day and…”

But Chad doesn’t let him finish and yells even louder. “Bullshit dude, it’s just a couple of beers, we will never forgive you if you don’t come! We’re waiting!”

Chad hangs up and Jared sighs, defeated. If he doesn’t go, he will never hear the end of it, so he promises himself it’s _just_ a couple of beers. He arrives at the bar and quickly locates the table Chad, Danni and Milo are sitting at, and he joins them.

Chad pushes a beer towards Jared. “Glad to see you finally made time for your friends dude! It’s like lately you only have eyes for the junkie!”

Jared puts his beer down and gives Chad a hard look. “Don’t talk about him like that!”

Danneel looks from one man to the other, clearly not following the conversation. “What’s happening, who’s the junkie?”

Jared looks at Danni and grunts. “He’s not a junkie. Okay, maybe he is but don’t talk like that Chad, please. Jensen is my patient, he is a drug addict who’s been going through detox at the clinic. It’s a long story that I don’t want to tell right now because I’m seriously tired, but he became my first real patient and I’ve been dedicating a lot of my time to him, helping him through it.”

Chad scoffs. “Yeah, and Jared talks about him so much that if I didn’t know better, I’d think he has feelings for the _addict_ ”

Jared’s head snaps towards Chad’s and he frowns at him.

“What did you say?” His voice is no more than a whisper as he tries to keep his cool.

Chad apparently senses Jared’s distress and seems to decide it’s better not to push any further, as he raises his hands in a surrender. “Calm down dude, I was just kidding! Gee, I knew you were no fun but I didn’t think it was that serious. No pun intended.”

Jared takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm his heart a bit and forces out a laugh, that sounds bitter in his ears. If only Chad _knew_ better.

“That’s okay man, it’s cool.” Jared shakes his head as he takes a long gulp of his beer, that tastes even more bitter than it already is. “I’ve just been under some stress at work that’s all.”

The conversation at the table moves to safer waters then, and after two beers Jared calls it a night, saying that he needs to rest if he wants to make it to work on time tomorrow, and he isn’t lying.

After Jared’s showered and is ready to go to bed, Chad arrives from the bar and apologizes to Jared again, who brushes it off and tells him it’s forgotten.

Sleep doesn’t come easy for Jared though, as he lies in bed he thinks about Chad’s words at the bar. Is he right? Is Jared developing _feelings_ for Jensen? That can’t be possible, Jensen is just a person in need that Jared wants - needs - to help, that’s it. Plus, Jared has never had real feelings for anyone since… well, since Jack. He doesn’t know what it’s like to feel something for someone other than him, and he never even thought he could. He can’t focus on that right now, anyway. His only concern is getting Jensen better and he will do just that.

_October 4th, 2006_

_“How I wish... how I wish you were here.”_

Jared arrives at work in the morning and after putting his backpack in his locker, he heads straight to detox to check on Jensen. He had a restless night, barely got any sleep, too many thoughts of Jensen running through his mind, but especially hoping he is doing better. He has had a bad feeling all night, something tight in his chest that he can’t put a name on, and that still lingers. He tries to brush it off but he can’t.

When Jared enters the wing, he finds Alona at her desk, doing some paperwork.

“Hey Al, how’s Jensen?”

Alona looks up and smiles at him. “Good morning to you too, Jared. I’m doing fine too, thanks. Last time I checked on your boy, about half an hour ago, he was sleeping. Alexis said he had a restless night though, guess he was having some nightmares.”

Jared doesn’t comment on the ‘your boy’ for the moment because he’s in a rush, so he thanks Alona and apologizes for his manners, he’s just too focused on Jensen, he needs to make sure he’s really okay. He turns the knob on Jensen’s door, and when he enters the room the first thing he notices is that the man isn’t in his bed. Just a fraction of a second later though, Jared locates Jensen, and he is sure his eyes are playing a trick on him, it has to be a nightmare, because what he is seeing, it just can’t be happening, it can’t be real.

It takes only a second for Jared’s feet to move without his knowledge and for him to jump into action. Jensen is lying on the floor, beside the bed. There’s a white sheet wrapped tightly around his neck, the other end tied in a knot around the bed frame. Jensen’s eyes are closed and his mouth partially opened. Jared feels like he’s moving in slow motion, he tries to clear his head and think what he should do first.

Jared quickly kneels beside Jensen and places his limp head on his lap, efficiently untying the knot around his neck with trembling hands. He lies Jensen flat on the floor and feels for his pulse, only to find nothing. His own heart hammers inside his chest, his eyes are filling with tears as he tries not to let panic build inside of him, Jensen’s heart isn’t beating and he needs to act, FAST.

He slams the red code button beside Jensen’s bed as he prepares himself to start CPR. Jared silently prays to the highest power that he’s able to do it right, he’s never done it on a real person before, only in training with a mannequin. He feels Jensen’s chest to find the right place and starts to pump hard and fast as he counts at the same time.

One, two, three…

_Please Jensen, PLEASE, come on!_

When he’s done, Jared lifts Jensen’s chin and blows inside his mouth twice.

“I NEED HELP HERE, PLEASE!” He screams out loud, he needs a crash cart right the fuck now!

One, two, three…

Tears stream down onto Jared’s hands and Jensen’s chest as he pumps even harder. He can feel Jensen’s ribs cracking under his palms, which he vaguely remembers as being a good sign, he’s doing it right.

_Don’t do this to me Jensen, come back, I need you, PLEASE._

As he blows into his mouth again, he can finally feel Jensen inhaling loudly, and as he feels his neck with his fingers, he can pick a faint pulse. Just then, the response team arrives and begin to assess the situation, quickly placing Jensen on a gurney. They wheel him out of the room to the E.R., and Jared walks by his side. Before they disappear through the doors though, Jensen opens his eyes but even though he’s looking directly at Jared, he knows Jensen isn’t really seeing him. The nurses take Jensen to the trauma room and Jared knows he can’t go in there, so he steps back.

He stands alone in the hallway and all the fight finally leaves Jared, his knees give away beneath him and he slumps on the floor, sliding down against the wall as all the tears he was still holding back fall down his face in a desperate cry.

“Jared?”

Jared feels like he’s underwater and someone is calling his name from far away but he doesn’t have the strength to go to the surface.

“JARED?” The voice is stronger now and someone is shaking him. He forces his mind to focus and stare at the eyes in front of him.

“Chris?” The counselor is grabbing Jared’s arms with both hands, a concerned look on his face.

“Hey Jared, you with me??”

Jared takes a look at his surroundings and notices he’s in the main area in the detox wing. He has no idea how he ended up here since last thing he remembers, he was sitting on the floor by the E.R.

Then he recalls what he was doing there.

“Jensen!” He gets up and makes a motion towards the place they took Jensen, only to be stopped by Chris’ firm grip on him.

“They are still with him, you need to wait here.” Chris drags Jared back to the chair he was sitting on, which is no easy feat, and Jared bends to rests his elbows on his knees.

“Chris, he tried to…” Jared’s voice breaks and he forces the words out. “He tried to kill himself. He had the sheet… why? Chris, he… ”

Jared can’t finish and Chris sits beside him, placing an arm around his shoulders.

“You know that’s a symptom, Jared. It doesn’t happen to all of them and definitely not all the time, but it’s a possibility and unfortunately Jensen went there. You were great in an emergency, you did the right thing and probably saved his life. I’m sure Jensen will be fine and we will be able to understand what happened to him.”

Jared thinks about what could have happened if he hadn’t gotten to the man in time, but he’s too drained to voice this concern to Chris. He sits quietly and waits for news on Jensen, and tries to keep his mind off wondering why Jensen’s suicide attempt had made such a great impact on him.


	9. Chapter 9

Jared is sitting beside Jensen’s bed, and he can’t keep his eyes off of him. Thankfully, he is sleeping peacefully , and if it wasn’t for the tube sticking out of his throat and the IV line in his hand Jared wouldn’t even think something was wrong. He tries not to look at the restraints circling Jensen’s wrists and ankles.

Jared wouldn’t leave the detox wing until he had news about Jensen, and finally Tom, the doctor in charge, had told him that Jensen was being wheeled back to his room and that he would eventually be okay. He hadn’t suffered any brain damage from the lack of oxygen and Jared himself had played a good part in it, acting fast at performing CPR correctly (Jared blushed a little when Tom said that). Tom also told Jared that Jensen would be sleeping a lot now but that everything was fine. Jensen’s room is already the nearest one to the nurse’s station and now he has to stay in it, so the nurses can keep a closer eye on him. Jared hates the restrains but he knows it’s procedure after a suicide attempt. Jensen will be kept under close watch now.

Jared dashed into Jensen’s room as soon as he was given the okay, and he hasn’t left since. He knows the worst is over for now, but he still can’t get the images out of his mind, he can’t help picturing Jensen’s lifeless body on the floor, the pure panic that exploded inside of him, the fear of losing Jensen. Jared looks at the sleeping man, with his pale face and disheveled beard, and he doesn’t understand. Jared tries not to think about it too much otherwise he will go crazy. He will focus on Jensen being okay, and that’s it.

Despite Chris’ suggestion, Jared doesn’t go home. He doesn’t want to be away from Jensen and he would just be restless if he left the clinic. So he carries on with his day, leaving Jensen to get his rest and visits other patients with Chris, making sure to check on Jensen every other hour.

Half an hour before Jared’s shift is over, Alona comes looking for him and says Jensen is calling for him. They rush back to detox together and Alona stops Jared before he enters the room.

“When he woke up he was very agitated”, she says before going in. “We managed to calm him down enough to remove the tube from his throat, but he’s not happy with the restraints and has asked for you a few times.”

Jared follows Alona into the room, and his heart aches at the sight of Jensen thrashing in his bed, trying to break free, he looks so scared, his eyes flicking wildly side to side. Jared gets closer to Jensen in a few quick strides, calling out to him a couple of times to try and get his attention. When Jensen notices Jared, his eyes go wide and he’s suddenly still..

“Jared?” His voice is husky, barely there, but it’s enough to make tears prick behind Jared’s eyes.

“Sure it’s me, buddy.” He answers, oh so carefully placing a hand on Jensen’s shoulder.

All the fight leaves Jensen as he collapses back on the bed. Jared hears Alona leaving the room but he doesn’t bother looking, instead fetching up a chair and scooting beside Jensen’s bed, just as he was doing not so long ago.

“How are you feeling?” He knows it’s a stupid ass question because the look on Jensen’s face is enough of an answer already, but he needs to say something.

“Hurting. Tired.” Jensen lets out a long breath, avoiding Jared’s eyes. “Exhausted, actually.”

“Do you want me to go so you can rest?”

Jensen’s eyes to shoot back to Jared’s.

“No!” Jensen tries to reach out to him but the restraint stops him and he pleads. “I hate this. Can’t you take these off, please?”

Jared would love nothing more than to do so, but he knows he can’t, he would get fired within the hour if someone found out. Plus, Jensen is restrained for a reason.

“No can do Jensen, I’m sorry.” Jared tells him, shaking his head. “You’re gonna have to put up with those for 72 hours, it’s the clinic’s policy for…” Jared lowers his head before finishing softly, “... suicide attempts.”

Jensen is quiet for a long time, keeping his eyes closed. Jared is beginning to think Jensen has fallen asleep when his quiet voice startles him.

“I’m sorry.”

Jared frowns, as Jensen slowly turns his head towards Jared and looks back at him.

“For what?” Jared answers, equally quietly.

“You trusted me, you said I could do it and I failed you. I swear I didn’t want to do it Jared, please believe me.” A single tear escapes and Jared tracks it down Jensen’s face. “I don’t even know why, I promise you I won’t do it again, it’s just that everything seems so hard. I don’t think I’m strong enough for this.”

Jared fights back his own emotion as he reaches out and squeezes Jensen’s hand in reassurance. Maybe he’s trying to comfort both of them. Jared needs it too.

“You are in withdrawal Jensen, and a feeling of hopelessness and wanting to end the pain, and make it all go away, is one of the effects. It doesn’t happen to everybody, but it happens nonetheless. Unfortunately it happened to you, and I believe it when you say it won’t happen again. But you’re gonna have to sit tight and behave in order to be released from detox and moved to rehab. It’s much more fun there, I promise.” Jared ends with a wink.

Jensen huffs. “I’m gonna have to trust you with that one.”

Jared smiles but he can tell Jensen is on the verge of falling asleep. “You should rest now. I’ll keep you company.”

Jensen makes a barely audible content sound before falling into oblivion. Jared watches him for a long time.

A week later, Jensen is finally transferred from detox to rehab, for the next stage of his program. He had spent three days under suicide watch, but Jared had done some psychological work with him, and with a final evaluation from Chris, he was declared no longer a threat to himself. A few days after that, he had a blood test that showed he no longer had traces of methamphetamine in his system, so he was finally able to start the rehabilitation program. Jared in particular was very happy when this happened.

Jensen is placed in a room with Robert Benedict, a patient that has left detox a week before. Jared has a great relationship with Rob, and considers him to be a good choice of roommate for Jensen. He is given a hygiene kit and new clothes to wear, so he can finally get rid of the scrubs he had to wear for detox, along with a small black notebook, in case he wants to write down whatever feels important to him. Jared sits with Jensen and explains to him how rehab works, that they have a schedule that they have to follow, with group meetings, lectures, activities, one on one time with the counselors and so on. He makes clear to Jensen that in order to complete his treatment, he must follow the schedule and rules. Jensen promises him that he will do it, and Jared chooses to trust him.

Jared goes home that evening feeling more relaxed than he has in ages, knowing that Jensen is making good progress and can finally start the rehab after suffering through detox (Jared would know about that). He stops to grab pizza and a six pack on his way home because he’s in a light mood and he wants a nice and relaxing night off with Chad. His friend is more than happy when he sees what Jared brings home, and when Jared mentions that his patient Jensen left detox and that’s a great thing, Chad just mumbles around a mouthful of pizza and Jared knows he is way more interested in that, so he lets it pass. They end up watching a new episode of Prison Break together, have a few laughs, and Jared sleeps way better that night.

The first couple days of Jensen in rehab go by rather uneventfully, Jared has a couple one on one meetings with him and Jensen’s favorite part so far is the food which he claims to be much better than the detox meals. Jensen tells Jared that he still craves the drug and he wakes up at night when it gets stronger, but he knows he’s gonna beat it, and of course, Jared believes him.

On the third day, Jared is waiting for Jensen so they can have their private meeting, and when Jensen comes through the door, Jared is glad he’s already sitting down, otherwise he’s sure he’d have tripped and fallen to the floor. Once in a fortnight, the owner of the hair salon near campus volunteers to come to the clinic and give the homeless guys a haircut and a shave , specially for those who have just arrived and are in desperate need of it. Jared wasn’t aware he had come the day before, and now he’s facing the result of his work on Jensen. Gone is Jensen’s haggard beard and disheveled hair, and Jared finally finds himself staring at… Jensen’s face.

It’s like Jared’s under a spell, because he can’t take his eyes off Jensen’s as he slowly gets up from his chair and walks toward him. He stops a few feet away, and takes a closer look. Jensen has a faint stubble on his face and is donning a short, spiked haircut. Jared thinks it suits him. He has a strong jaw and his pouted lips stand out way more now. Jensen is not as pale as he was when he first arrived, his face is fuller, and Jared realizes with shock that he has freckles scattered on his nose and cheeks, well, everywhere.

Jared feels breathless, because for a second, Jensen reminds him a lot of… _Jack_. His face structure, apart from his eyes, is very similar to what he remembers of Jack. He’s hit with such a strong emotion, that he quickly averts his eyes from Jensen’s face and grips the table behind him to prevent him losing his balance.

Jared is breathing hard, his vision blurs and he’s thrown back 12 years into the past, where there’s a boy with a blue hair and an easy smile, and Jared can vaguely feel someone grabbing his arm and his name being called distantly. He looks over and is met with deep emerald eyes, and that brings him back to the present. Jensen helps Jared back to his chair and looks at him with concerned eyes.

“Jared, are you okay? What happened?”

Jared can’t take his eyes off Jensen’s face, he wants to get closer to it, he wants to touch it, see that it’s real, but he won’t. He knows his mind is playing tricks on him, even though Jensen has some similarities with Jack, he’s another person and Jared forces his brain to believe it. Because he just _cannot_ go there. Jensen is not Jack and he needs to know that.

“Yeah, yeah… I guess my blood pressure just dropped, but I feel fine now, don’t worry.”

“You sure you don’t want me to call someone?” Jensen doesn’t seem convinced.

Jared shakes his head. “Not necessary, I’m all good.” He sighs and makes a gesture towards Jensen’s face. “I see you cleaned up a bit there.”

Jensen shrugs and looks down. “Yeah, the guy came yesterday and I was actually eager to get rid of all that hair. I feel 10 pounds lighter now, I hadn’t seen my face in a while.”

Jensen has a sad tone in his voice and it hits Jared again how hard Jensen’s life has been. He vows to himself that he won’t let Jensen go back to that as he offers him a small smile.

“Well, then lemme tell you that it doesn’t look half bad.”

And that’s really an understatement. Jensen just has no fucking idea how much.

_October 25th, 2006_

_Everyday for the past 12 years I wish I could see your face again, but today, more than ever, I wish I could see your face again. Jensen looks so much like you it hurts deeply. It hurts to look into his face and wish I could see you._

_Damn Jensen._

_Damn you._

A big Halloween party is thrown at Fitzsimons and Chris’ band is playing. Jared is there along with his buddies, dressed as a mega tall Harry Potter with glasses, scar, wand and everything (he’s a potterhead, sue him). Some of his coworkers from the clinic are there as well, and Alona, Alexis and Sophia join their table. It’s a good night, the music is awesome, Chris and Steve are rocking as usual. Jared notices that Chad is almost plastered by Sophia’s side, he’s saying something in her ear and she’s giggling. Jared chuckles, he knows very well where this can go and he’s surprised to realize they look good together. He just hopes, for Sophia’s sake, that his friend doesn’t screw it up.

Jared tells the others he’s going to the bar to fetch some drinks, and Danneel offers to go with him to help him carry the glasses.

“So Jared...” She asks him while they wait for the bartender to finish their orders. “How are things at the clinic? How’s that patient of yours going?”

Jared frowns down at her, not really understanding the sudden question about Jensen.

“He’s… doing better. He’s not in detox anymore, he’s in the rehab program now and making good progress.” He stops for a moment and sighs, suddenly wishing Jensen could be there having fun with them. “He’s a good guy, I want him to be okay.”

The bartender hands them their drinks, but before Danni picks hers up, she pats him on the shoulder and gives a mysterious smile. “I’m pretty sure he is, Jare.”

Jared doesn’t know where the thought comes from, but he hopes Jensen can celebrate Halloween with him next year.

Jensen’s following weeks at the center aren’t a piece of cake of, but he’s making big strides and Jared is proud. He does everything he’s supposed to do, follows the schedule, becomes active in group meetings, never misses a doctor’s appointment and above it all, is there for every single talk time with Jared. In every talk, Jared can see Jensen getting better, bit by bit, struggling to get there and to get rid of his addiction, and Jared is absolutely sure Jensen will pull this off, he has faith in him.

But what Jared learns in those weeks, more than anything, is that he can’t stay away from Jensen. Suddenly, the one on one time they have together in the mornings isn’t enough, and Jared suddenly finds himself seeking Jensen’s company throughout the day. When Jared has time and he knows Jensen is on his free time, he casually makes his way towards the common room, and if Jensen happens to be there he approaches him, asking if he’s doing okay or how is his day is going. He knows it's lame, but Jared just needs this proximity to Jensen, and he can’t explain why. And if he’s not mistaken, Jensen lights up a bit when Jared comes to talk to him and he seems genuinely happy, so Jared feels it’s not a one sided thing. Jared hopes, when Jensen’s time in the center is over, that they can still see each other. Because suddenly, the notion of seeing Jensen walk away and not seeing him again, hurts Jared in a way he can’t even begin to understand.

On Jensen’s second week at rehab, Jared has just ended his shift and is on his way to change his clothes and go home when he spots Jensen in the common room, sitting at a table in the corner, playing with a deck of cards by himself. Jared sits down across from him without saying a word and they start playing 21. They play until it’s time for all the patients to be in their rooms, and if Jared arrives home an hour and a half hour later than usual, he sure doesn’t mind.

That ends up becoming a recurring thing between them a few nights a week. Jared will end his shift and join Jensen in the common room, to either play with the cards, or a board game, watch whatever is on TV together or just talk (if Chad notices he’s getting home later than usual he doesn’t say anything - but since he’s too busy drooling over Sophia, Jared doubts it). Jared realizes more and more that Jensen is really smart, he has a lot of knowledge on different sorts of subjects, so Jared is positive that Jensen had a proper education. He aches to know exactly what happened for him to end up as a homeless addict, but he never asks. He hopes Jensen trusts him enough someday that he will share on his own.

On a Wednesday afternoon, Jared is coming back from his lunch break and the patients are on their free time. He passes by the chapel, the doors are opened and he takes a quick look inside. There’s a single person in there, and he has to look twice, because he surely knows this person. Jensen is sitting at one of the pews in the back of the chapel, staring at the small altar. Jared can’t help himself as he quietly enters the chapel and sits down beside him leaving a decent space between them.

Jensen acknowledges Jared’s presence with a barely incline of his head, but remains quiet. Jared isn’t sure what he’s supposed to say, or if he should say anything at all. The silence lingers for a while, but it isn’t uncomfortable at all, Jared actually finds peace in Jensen’s silent company.

“I never learned how to pray, ya know.” Jensen’s quiet voice breaks the silence after a while and startles Jared a bit. He looks at Jensen, but he’s still looking pensively straight ahead. Jared stays silent, sensing there’s more to come and he isn’t disappointed.

“My parents, they… they never taught me, never cared about that, so I never had much faith in anything. And after all the shit that I’ve been through in my life… I lost the faith I didn’t even have in the first place. And I wonder now what is like to believe in something bigger, holding onto something. Maybe that’s what has been lacking in my life.” Jensen finally turns his head and looks Jared in the eyes. “Do you know how to pray Jared? Do you have faith?”

Jared holds Jensen’s intense gaze as he feels a deep sorrow inside of him. Jensen has been through so much in his life, Jared can’t even begin to comprehend what kinds of horrible things, and here he is now, having a chance to start over and looking for a higher power to believe in. Starting to hope. And Jared has a chance to help him in one more way.

“My family is very religious. I learned the usual prayers, Our Father, Holy Mary, when I was very young. I learned there is a God, and that He is good, but we must follow His rules otherwise we are punished. As I grew up, I learned how to speak to Him in my own way, to say my own prayers. I learnt that there was more than one way to have faith, that those rules we are supposed to follow are bullshit, and if we are… different, God won’t burn us alive for that, I know He loves us the way we are, even if… others can’t. So yes Jen, I have faith. I feel like that’s the thing that keeps me going. Having faith in what I believe and that my prayers will be answered someday.” Jared barely acknowledges the fact that he used a nickname for Jensen for the first time, and he vaguely hopes the other man won’t mind.

Jensen only nods slowly. “So do you still pray?”

Jared gives him a sad smile. “I do, Jen. Everyday. I pray for God to give me… something. There’s where my faith lies.” Jared holds back tears, because that’s the closest he ever got to talking about Jack to anyone and that affects him , way more than he wants Jensen to see.

Maybe Jensen notices something or maybe not, but he doesn’t ask the question and for that, Jared is grateful. He asks something else instead.

“Do you think I can still have faith, Jared? Or is it too late for me? I have no idea how to pray, I don’t know if I can still have hope.”

Jared notices Jensen’s right hand is grabbing the pew tightly, so he places his own hand on top of his and the touch sends shivers up his arm. “It’s never too late, Jensen. There is always hope.” Jared gets up and makes a motion for Jensen to get up as well. “Come with me, let’s go for a walk.”

Jared leads Jensen outside, to the huge gardens behind the center. There are a few patients hanging out here and there, but they walk past them to the lake further away. Both of them sit down under a large tree and they just take it all in for a while. The scenery there is breathtaking, with the lake and its dark waters, the trees surrounding it now are all colored red and orange and the ground is covered in their fallen leaves.

Jared and Jensen stare at the mountains beyond the lake as Jared speaks. “You don’t need to memorize a dozen words to pray, Jensen. All you need to do is say whatever is in your heart. You can ask for something you want, or you can be grateful for what you have. You don’t need to believe in God necessarily, you can believe in a higher power. But the most important thing, you must have faith in yourself. Because if you don’t, you will just get lost. Look at how far you’ve come. Up until a couple months ago, you were helpless. You could have mugged anyone else that night, but it was me . And I had a way to help you, I believe it was meant to be. I have had faith in you since the beginning, and you must, too. Now you’re on your way to get better, and to try and get your life back. You have hope now, and that was only possible because you believed in yourself. It isn’t even remotely easy, but you will get there. The only thing you can’t do, is lose the faith you are building in yourself. Questioning that, like you just did, is already a huge step. You’re on the right path to find that power within yourself.”

Jensen doesn’t say a word, but Jared can see tears trickling down his cheeks. There’s nothing else they need to say, not really, Jared knows Jensen understood perfectly. And listening to his own words inside his head, Jared realizes they weren’t meant only for Jensen. Maybe Jensen isn’t the only one discovering things about himself.

The lake becomes Jared and Jensen’s place. Sometimes, when they are both free, they will walk down there and sit under the tree, sometimes they talk, sometimes they just sit there in silence. It’s comforting for both of them.

On one particular afternoon, they are laying down side by side, on a blanket as the grass is getting colder with the season, and they are watching the clouds above them. Jensen turns his head towards Jared and Jared does the same. Jensen is staring intensely at him and Jared tries his hard not to crumble under the weight of Jensen’s emerald eyes, and he waits. It doesn’t take long for Jensen to share what’s on his mind. When he does, his voice is a tentative whisper.

“You remind me of someone”

Jared frowns. “Who?”

Jensen shrugs slightly. “A boy… that I met a long time ago. When life was much more colorful.”

Jared doesn’t say anything, he only holds Jensen’s gaze for a few moments before looking up at the sky again. He doesn’t tell Jensen he also reminds himself of someone. And that someone is the subject of every single prayer he says.

It’s Friday night and they are throwing a small party at the center. It’s a monthly thing, all the patients, counselors, nurses, doctors, etc, get together to spend some quality time with food and drinks (non alcoholic of course). They talk, play games, there’s always a guitar if someone wants to play. Jared has been to a couple of those and he always has a great time socializing with everyone and watching the patients being more relaxed and just enjoying themselves.

So far this is Jared’s favorite party though, because it’s the first one Jensen is attending. Jared has noticed that lately, he has been craving Jensen’s company more and more, it’s like everything is brighter when Jensen is there and Jared tries not to think about the reason for that.

Both of them have hung out together for a while during the party, but Jared notices Jensen seems a bit introspective; actually he has noticed that for the past few days. It’s like Jensen has an inner debate with himself and this is putting him on edge. Even when they are talking, it feels like something is off with him, there is something in Jensen’s eyes that Jared can’t decipher even though he wishes he could.

Towards the end of the party, Jared is talking to Chris when he notices Jensen quietly walking to where the guitar and the tall chair are. He watches Jensen gently picking the guitar up and situating himself on the chair, guitar on his lap. He had no idea Jensen played or could sing, so he immediately finishes whatever conversation he was having with Chris to watch what Jensen will do. The noise in the room has lowered, everyone anticipating what is about to come from Jensen.

Jensen doesn’t look up or acknowledge anyone, doesn’t say anything about what he’s about to sing. He seems very concentrated, testing the chords with his fingers, as if he’s trying to see if he still knows them. Jared holds his breath, not having a clue as to what’s about to happen but he doesn’t even want to blink. Jensen apparently finds the right chords because they are forming a song, and then he opens his mouth, still not facing anyone but his own lap.

_When you were here before,_  
_Couldn't look you in the eye._  
_You're just like an angel,_  
_Your skin makes me cry_

Hearing Jensen’s voice singing those words is like getting a punch to the stomach for Jared. He can’t put a name to that feeling, it’s just something that feels like it comes from deep in his soul.

_You float like a feather,_  
_In a beautiful world_  
_I wish I was special,_  
_You're so fucking special._  
_But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo._  
_What the hell am I doing here?_  
_I don't belong here._  

Jensen raises his head and for a fraction of a second his gaze locks on Jared’s and that is enough to make him grab the table behind him, it is so intense. His heart is beating like a drum in his chest and he can’t listen to anything else but that voice.

_I don't care if it hurts,_  
_I wanna have control._  
_I want a perfect body,_  
_I want a perfect soul._

He thinks Chris is saying something, but he doesn’t listen, he can’t. The whole room is a big blur, and there’s only Jensen, looking at him. There is so much anguish and pain in his eyes, in his voice, and Jared wishes, with all his heart, that he could make it go away.

_I want you to notice,_  
_When I'm not around._  
_You're so fucking special,_  
_I wish I was special._  
_But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo._  
_What the hell am I doing here?_  
_I don't belong here_

Jensen finishes the song and Jared cannot look away. Jensen quietly gets up from the chair, places the guitar back to its original spot, and quickly walks out of the room, going towards his own bedroom. Jared feels like he’s paralyzed and he doesn’t have the power to move his limbs.

“Whoa, I think I just found the lead singer for my band!” Chris says with a big smile next to him, and Jared knows he should respond but right now, he can’t speak. He excuses himself, leaves the party, rushing to exit the building and finally release the breath he is holding. As he walks home, he realizes that hearing Jensen sing awakened something in him that he didn’t think he would ever feel again. Something that he had only once felt in his life. He recognizes what it means.

He needs to face what he has been ignoring for the past weeks and stop pretending it’s not right there in front of him, obvious, something that he never thought could happen again: that he may very well be falling in love with Jensen.


	10. Chapter 10

It’s a good thing that Chad is spending most nights at Sophia’s place, tonight being one of them, because Jared really needs to be alone. This new emotion hits him like a ton of bricks, makes his chest feel heavy, and he has no idea how to deal with it. Ever since he first laid eyes on Jensen at the police station, even if he couldn’t see his face, he felt something towards him. It’s like something was constantly pulling Jared towards him, and he felt not only a deep urge to help, but to be close to Jensen. Jared had started to look forward to going into work everyday more than anything else, and talking to Jensen became the highlight of his day. He watched Jensen go through awful withdrawal symptoms, and finding Jensen lifeless on the floor after a suicide attempt… that had definitely been one of the worst moments of his life. During those moments Jared thought Jensen was actually dead… it was like something inside him had shut down as well, and Jared had shoved down that feeling, too scared to figure out what that meant.

When Jensen moved to rehab and things got a little better, both of them had become even closer. Jared sought Jensen’s company and it was like everything was brighter when Jensen was around.He became more and more vital in Jared’s life and he only realized it too late, that he let Jensen get in too deep.

Jared has never felt something like this for anyone, not since Jack. Jack is still there, every single minute of every day, a constant present in the deepest part of his soul, Jared’s love for him and his absence burning inside his chest every time he breathes. It has been twelve years and this is the one thing that has never changed, how much Jared misses him. He never thought he could ever feel anything for another person in his life again. He thought Jack had ruined him for anybody else and that was that. He was fine with it, actually. It had long ago become part of him and he had learned to deal with the loss and feeling alone.

But then, when he was least expecting it, Jensen came into the picture. It could’ve been just another patient he had to care for, but then he wormed his way into Jared’s life and became so much more. Jared started dreading his days off, since that meant he had to be away from Jensen, and counted the minutes until he was on the clock again. Jared had never considered feeling like that again, but for the first time, he _is_ feeling something for another person, other than Jack, and he doesn’t know what to do.

It occurs to Jared that he may be just using Jensen as a replacement for Jack. There are some resemblances between the two, he can’t deny it. Jensen reminds Jared of Jack in a lot of aspects, and perhaps that’s what got Jared’s attention in the first place, maybe that’s what made Jared become so obsessed with him. Because Jensen reminds him of his lost love. And since Jared can’t have Jack, Jensen would be the perfect substitute. It would be too easy. But the thing is, it wouldn’t be fair to either him or Jensen. Not that Jensen _does_ feel something for Jared anyway, he doesn’t think so, he doesn't even know if Jensen likes guys, but the way he looked at him while singing tonight…

Jared shakes his head, he can’t. He could never use Jensen like that. He’s too screwed up because of his feelings for Jack and he can’t tell for sure if what he’s feeling is real or just a projection of his love for another person. Besides, Jared is a doctor and Jensen is a patient. It’s unethical, and he cannot go there. So there’s no discussion really. He’s gonna continue helping Jensen in any way he can, and also be his friend like he has been because he doesn’t think he can get away from Jensen at this point. Despite his messed up feelings, Jensen is important to him and he needs him in his life. He’s gonna just suck it up and pretend like everything is fine. He has mastered this ability for the last few years.

Jared tries to go on as if nothing has changed. He continues to help Jensen and to talk to him, they spend time together at the common room or at the lake, but Jared is suddenly much more aware of Jensen’s presence. Every time Jensen looks at him, or gets too close, or accidentally touches him, it’s like an electric shock running through his body. He tries to get away, to tell himself his mind is playing tricks on him, trying to find a replacement for Jack, but it’s like Jensen is a magnet and Jared is helplessly attracted to him. Jared forces it down though, that is a place he cannot go. And if he notices there has been a slight change in Jensen towards him, he pretends not to notice.

Christmas time is coming and Jared decides not to go home this year. He has already skipped Thanksgiving, claiming he had to study since he’s on his final year at college, and he didn’t have the time to travel home. Now, Jared really doesn’t want to see his family either, he knows he’s a horrible person because of that but he can’t help it. He doesn’t want to deal with his family asking him when he’s finally gonna settle down, bring home a nice girl and get married, or hear all about Jeff’s amazing and perfect fiancé and their wedding plans. Jared’s tired of having to kick up his façade a notch every time he visits, for the simple fact that his family would never accept him if they knew who he really was. He doesn’t want to feel stressed and insulted when his father says that fags are gonna burn in hell. So yeah, he’s not looking forward to spend a time that’s supposedly happy, with people who will never understand him.

Jared puts it off but eventually calls and tells his mom he’s gonna be on call at the clinic for the holidays. It’s not a lie, he actually volunteered to work on Christmas but his mom doesn’t have to know that part. She’s upset, of course, tells him to try and find a way out of it, but Jared tells her he can’t. She will get over it, she has two perfect children who are gonna be there to worry about. Jared also tells himself that Jensen is definitely not another reason why he’s not going home this year. It’s definitely not because he’d rather spend Christmas with Jensen than with his family. Especially because Jensen’s stay at the clinic is slowly coming to an end and he wants to enjoy every moment he has with him.

Because it’s _not_. This is insane. But if he lets himself feel the truth, Jared feels more at home with Jensen, than his own parents.

The afternoon is surprisingly sunny for this time of the year, and when Jared finally has a break, later than he usually does, he finds Jensen coming out of a group meeting. Jared has a blanket in hand and they wordlessly stroll to their spot at the lake. There’s something in the air today, Jared can’t put a name on it. Maybe it’s radiating from Jensen, the pull towards him feels stronger today. If he and Jensen happen to sit closer than usual, he tries not to think too much about it, and just enjoys it.

Both of them relax, bracing themselves with their hands behind their backs, and look at the sky. When Jared realizes what’s about to happen though, his breath quickens as he notices that the sky is starting to glow with color. For the past 12 years, there is one thing Jared never does: he doesn’t watch the sunset. Never. Ever since that afternoon at the camp with Jack, where they shared secrets, Jared has never looked at the sky while the sun is setting because it brings back too many memories and they hurt too much.

But now, here he is. Jared’s with Jensen in front of a beautiful view and the sun is about to set behind the mountains. He should make an excuse, get up and hurry back inside, away from any windows, and wait for it to be over. That’s what he should do, to keep his sanity intact and his heart from breaking even more.

Jared should do it, but he doesn’t. Instead, he inches closer to Jensen, who in return leans a little bit toward him, and they look at the sky. The sun is partially hidden behind the clouds, and it’s making it’s slow descend towards the mountains. It’s hypnotizing, beautiful, and Jared knows he is supposed to start freaking out now. He holds his breath, waits for the pain, but instead he feels the warmth radiating from Jensen’s body inches away from him and all of the sudden, Jared feels a peace taking up the empty space inside of him, that he hasn’t felt in god knows how long. He watches the sky with Jensen and it hits him that if he was given the opportunity to choose… at this very moment, there’s no other place he’d rather be than here, right now.

There’s only a small part of the sun visible now, the sky is going from orange to dark grey, and it’s beautiful. Jared slowly moves his gaze from the sky to Jensen without even realizing it, and finds himself looking into endless green eyes that stare right back at him. Jared has the strange feeling that he can see right into Jensen’s soul and even if he tried, he could never move his gaze away. And he has a strong feeling that Jensen can’t either.

It happens as naturally as a light summer breeze that touches your skin and warms up the deepest parts of your soul. There’s no way to know who leans first and it doesn’t matter. Jensen’s face is suddenly inches apart from Jared’s, he can feel his breath, the heat of his body even more intense now, everything surrounding them disappears, every light, every sound, the only thing Jared can see is a pair of emerald green eyes, and without any control over it, Jared closes his own.

When Jared’s lips touch Jensen’s, time stands still. It feels like his heart stops beating. It’s so gentle, just lips pressing against lips, but to Jared, it feels like a volcano just erupted inside of him. Everything suddenly feels _right_ , it’s like someone flipped a switch and this is what has been missing for Jared to see the light. It’s the first time Jared kisses a man, and the feeling of Jensen’s full lips against his is so amazing, so perfect. This right here is what Jared has been waiting for his whole life. All Jared wants to do is deepen the kiss, lie Jensen down on the blanket and never stop.

A warm breeze is what finally breaks the spell. The scent hits Jared like a slap in the face, and as slowly as he can manage, he gently pushes Jensen away, instantly colder and already missing the feeling of his lips against his. Jared blames his brain for bringing back the memory right at this moment, for making Jared smell Jack when he was kissing Jensen, as if accusing him of being a cheater. And it works, because that’s how he feels right now. Deep down Jared knows it’s insane, but it doesn’t matter. Jared can’t do it.

Jared hastily gets on his feet, Jensen’s looking at him with a mixture of confusion and hurt on his face. Jared can feel the tears burning his eyes and he needs to leave.

“Jensen, I’m… I’m sorry, I need to go.” It’s all Jared manages to mumble without his voice wavering too much, and he quickly averts his eyes from Jensen’s face because if he looks at him for another second, he’s gonna break.

Jared practically runs inside of the building, quickly grabbing his backpack from his locker and rushing to the reception. He tells Sophia he’s not feeling well and needs to go home immediately, asking the girl to tell Chris.

Jared just needs to get away.

Jared arrives home in record time and is glad that he’s alone. He throws himself down on the couch, elbows resting on his knees and head in hands, taking several deep breaths to try and calm himself down, but it’s useless.

There are so many different emotions exploding inside him right now, that Jared doesn’t even know how he’s still conscious.

He just kissed Jensen. Not only that, he just kissed his first man. Jensen. The homeless man who stole his wallet and pushed him to the ground, the man he brought with him to go through rehab, the man he thought was dead for a few moments. Jensen, who against all odds captivated Jared and turned his life upside down.

When Jensen’s lips touched Jared’s, it was like everything was finally falling into place. There’s no better way to explain it, but for the first time in a long time, it was like Jared’s cold life was warmer. He finally felt like he belonged somewhere. For a second, everything else faded to the background and there was only Jared and Jensen. And how easy would that be?

Jared walks to his room and rummages through his closet until he finds what he’s looking for. Then he goes back to the couch clutching Jack’s jersey in his hands. He buries his face in it, but the scent of the blue-haired boy is long gone. Back at the lake, Jared could feel it, the scent was so strong like the first day when he got Jack’s shirt, it was like the boy was standing right next to him all over again, and that was too strong for him to handle.

Jared feels like a cheater even though he knows it’s ridiculous, Jack, as much as Jared wished it, is not a part of his life and has nothing to do with him, therefore Jared could not have cheated on him. Jared know this but it feels as if he cheated on his memory, on his love for Jack. Jared still doesn’t know if what he’s feeling for Jensen is a projection of his love for Jack, if he’s using Jensen as a substitute because of his similarities with him. Jared has never felt something for anyone other than Jack, and now he doesn’t know how to deal with it. It’s something new and he doesn’t know to cope with what he’s feeling.

When the tears finally fall, Jared doesn’t fight them. He cries and cries, desperately, he buries his face into the old jersey and screams. He feels helpless and there’s nobody who can help him. It’s not the first time he has felt alone, but it feels much worse now.

Jared hears the door open but he’s too tired to put on a happy face for Chad and pretend that everything is okay.

“Sup Jare, I forgot I still need to pack for tomorrow before going to see Soph…” Chad stops talking when he sees Jared’s miserable face and steps closer. “What happened dude?”

Jared turns his face to look at his friend, to see how genuinely worried he is. The usual thing to do, what Jared should do right now, is to come up with some bulshit about a fight with his mom on the phone, a patient that went downhill again, but the truth is, he’s tired. Tired of pretending, of lying, of hiding who he is, he’s confused and hurting and at this very moment, he takes a long deep breath.

“I just kissed Jensen at the center and now I don’t know how to deal with it.” And seriously, why is his voice so hoarse?

His revelation is met with dead silence as Chad processes what he just heard. Then he moves slowly and sits down on the opposite end of the couch, a deep frown on his face.

“I’m sorry, I was under the impression at first that Jensen was a dude.”

Jared doesn’t answer for a few heartbeats, and when he does he can’t meet his friend’s eyes.

“He is.”

Chad shakes his head vigorously, as if trying to clear a fog in his mind that prevents him from thinking clearly.

“Help me here for a second Jared, because it seems like you just told me you willingly kissed a guy. Why in the fucking hell would you willingly kiss a guy when you are into girls?”

Jared stares right into Chad’s eyes this time.

“Why do you think?”

Chad’s eyes widen and he hastily gets up from the couch, as if needing to put distance between Jared and himself.

“So all of the sudden you’re gay?? Is that what this is about? You just decided you like dudes now?” Chad waves his arms in the air, showing his frustration.

Jared doesn’t answer. He lowers his gaze and presses his lips together, in the hope of getting the message across and apparently that’s enough for Chad, who looks at him with his eyes big and chin almost touching the floor.

“Since when?”

Silence.

“Since when, Jared?? Tell me!” Chad yells and Jared cringes. Here it comes. He knows that now he has started, he needs to go all the way, so he shrugs.

“Years.” He blurts out. Chad gasps.

“You’re telling me my best friend has been gay for years and only now thought it was important to tell me???”

“Chad, I…” Jared starts, but Chad cuts him off he face going red.

“No! Don’t even start Jared, I can’t believe this. I’m getting out of here, I need some air.”

Chad slams the door behind him and to Jared it feels like a punch in the face. He knows he has a lot of thinking to do regarding Jensen, but right now he needs to fix the mess with his best friend.

First Jared takes a long shower, mostly to help clear his mind rather than his body, and also to give his friend some time to process. Once he’s changed (taking his time), he goes after Chad, if they don’t talk tonight Jared’s gonna have to wait until after Christmas since his friend is leaving in the morning for his folks’ place. And Jared does not want to leave things the way they are.

Jared goes to Fitzsimons, he’s almost positive Chad might be there since he loves the place and sounds like the perfect definition of ‘needing some air’ to Chad. Sure enough, he finds his friend sitting at a booth at the far corner of the bar. Jared approaches him slowly, giving Chad time to notice that he’s there, and the guy suddenly stiffens, his grip on the beer bottle tightening and eyes on the wall, but he doesn’t move. Jared sits down across from him without a word, and he also doesn’t meet Chad’s eyes for a while, trying to gather his thoughts and decide where to begin. The waitress brings him a beer and he gratefully takes a long sip before having the courage to open his mouth. Since he has told Chad the truth about him, he takes an important decision to share his deepest secret as well.

“When I was 11 years old, I met a boy at a summer camp.” Jared starts, his voice no more than a whisper, and Chad instantly makes eye contact with him. “Just to be clear, before you ask, it wasn’t you. You were there as well, but I’m talking about someone else. I’m gonna sum up this whole thing so I can get to the point. I met a boy that summer, and he changed me. I felt something for him, when I was only 11, that I couldn’t explain. I didn’t understand what I was feeling and it scared the hell out of me. I would think about him instead of girls, and I knew it was wrong. Back home, I asked my mom and my brother what it meant and if that was okay, and both of them said it was wrong, that I would be a sinner and a freak if I were like _that,_ and I could never bring that up again. My mom said it was a phase and I’d get over it.”

“The truth is Chad, I never did. I could never forget the boy, for the past 12 years all I could think about was him. I tried, you know I did, I dated girls but I could never feel a damn thing. And I felt so fucking wrong, like I was committing a sin, I felt dirty. As the years passed, I understood my feelings for him, and that it meant I liked boys instead of girls, and I never knew how to deal with it. I could never talk to anyone about it. And I felt so fucking alone.”

Jared hadn’t realized there were tears in his eyes and that his voice was wavering, and he notices Chad’s eyes are brighter as well. His friend is silent for a while and Jared just waits. For a punch, for him to tell he’s moving out, that he cannot live with a freak in the same apartment.

“Why did you never tell me, Jared?” Chad’s voice breaks at the end and Jared feels even worse.

“Because… I didn’t know how you would react. I wanted to tell you Chad, I swear I did, but I was so fucking afraid! I was terrified I was gonna lose you too if you found out who I was, like I’ve lost a lot of other things in my life. I couldn’t risk losing you.”

Jared buries his face in his arms, his whole body shaking and he tries to brace himself for what’s to come. He feels a hand grabbing his arm and slowly looks up to find suspicious red eyes looking at him.

“Jare… I’m upset you hid this from me all these years, such an important part of your life that I never knew about… I’m fucking pissed and I wish you had trusted me and told me from the start, but dude… gimme some credit here, I would never be like that, okay? Look, you are not a sinner and you aren’t going to hell for who you are. That’s bullshit. I don’t give a fuck to what your family thinks, I’m not like them, It’s okay to like dudes. I don’t care and I’m still your best friend. Well, after I stop being pissed because you waited so long to tell me.”

Jared presses his fingers against his eyes as more tears fall. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders, finally being able to share his secret with someone after all these years, and he feels so stupid for not doing it sooner. And he’s so fucking relieved Chad accepts him for what he is he doesn’t even have words. But apparently, Chad does.

“Hey, you think I’m a catch?” Chad smirks, giving Jared his best blue steel.

“You’re an idiot, Chad”, Jared laughs through his tears.

As they walk back home together after having some more beers, Chad puts an arm around Jared’s shoulders.

“So what’s the deal with that Jensen dude, huh?”

Jared shrugs. “I don’t know yet myself. It’s too complicated right now.”

Chad brings Jared closer to him. “It’s all gonna be alright, dude. You just wait and see. You’ll get your prince charming.”

Jared gives Chad a small smile, and feels grateful that the camp not only gave him Jack, but also the best friend he could ever ask for.

Jared wakes up on the following morning feeling as if he hasn’t slept at all. He spent pretty much the whole night tossing and turning, thinking about Jensen and the whole situation, and what he’s supposed to do now.

On one side, he was pretty fucking relieved for having shared his burden with someone, and for Chad being such a great friend and accepting him. When they arrived back home, Chad had cooked mac’n’cheese for both of them and they had watched some TV together. Chad hadn’t asked more questions and Jared appreciated it, since he wasn’t feeling like talking anymore. Because on the other side, his mind was running a mile a minute, thinking about Jensen and how to handle the whole thing.

It’s Christmas Eve, and as Jared leaves for the clinic, Chad goes downstairs with him, to catch a cab to the bus station. Jared wishes his friend a Merry Christmas and Chad slaps him on the back, which turns into a quick hug, then asks Jared to call him if he needs to talk, and Jared goes to work, feeling more and more anxious with every step he takes.

When he arrives, the first thing Jared does is ask Chris to have the one on one with Jensen that morning instead of him. He claims he’s having some issues at the moment, that it’s for the best, and Chris doesn’t asks questions, which is perfect. Jared knows he’s being a coward but he needs his time to gather courage and face Jensen, and he can’t do that during their one on one.

Jared avoids the common areas as much as he can during the day, which isn’t hard since things are in a hurry with the preparations for the Christmas Eve dinner happening later in the day. Jared had volunteered to stay longer than his usual shift to give an extra hand with the party and he doesn’t mind, since it was either that or staying home alone eating cold pizza.

Half an hour before dinner is scheduled to start, Jared decides he can’t postpone it any longer. He notices Rob is on kitchen duty, so that probably means Jensen is alone in his room, since the patients are supposed to be getting ready. So he slowly walks towards Jensen’s door and after taking a deep breath, he knocks and waits, his palms sweating.

Jensen opens the door and when he sees who’s there, his eyes widen. Both of them stare at each other for what feels like forever, but is probably only a minute, until Jared clears his throat.

“Hey Jensen… I was wondering if we could talk for a bit.”

Jensen is silent, studying Jared for a few heartbeats before giving a small nod and opening the door wider as an invitation. Jared walks past him, feeling the shorter man’s gaze on him as Jensen closes the door.

“I was wondering when you’d stop avoiding me.” Jensen’s voice isn’t angry but sad, and that burns a hole inside Jared’s heart. He turns towards the older man, trying to find the right words. He needs to do this, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy in any way. Jared chews his bottom lip and doesn’t meet Jensen’s eyes.

“Look Jensen… You’re an awesome guy and I really like you. I love hanging out with you and I really want to remain your friend once you leave here, but…”

Jared stops to take a deep breath and composing himself before continuing, but Jensen doesn’t let him.

“But…” He scoffs, repeating Jared’s last word. “We could never be together like _that_ , because you don’t feel like _that_ about me. I get it. You’re a good looking guy, smart, soon to be a psychologist, a whole future ahead of you. I’m a homeless junkie with a fucked up life and not one dollar to my name. It wasn’t hard to find out why you were avoiding me.”

Jared shakes his head, Jensen has got it all wrong. “No Jensen, I…”

“Jared, don’t.” Jensen stops him holding up a hand. “Don’t make this even worse… please.”

Jensen’s voice wavers a little in the end, and he quickly turns away from Jared his shoulders hunched. He feels tears forming behind his own eyes and he tries again.

“Jen…”

But Jensen won’t have it. He has one hand on the doorknob already when he replies in a husky voice.

“I’m gonna… just… go.”

Jared winces when the door closes behind Jensen.

He stays rooted in place for a few minutes, and then collapses on Jensen’s bed, holding his head between his large hands. He allows himself a few moments to recompose, before deciding to go looking for Jensen, hoping he didn’t go very far. Jensen has it all wrong, Jared doesn’t feel that way, instead… just the mere thought of letting Jensen go. That makes Jared reconsider his feelings, perhaps things aren’t as confusing as they seem.

Maybe this doesn’t have anything to do with Jack, but everything to do with… Jensen. And Jensen only.

Jared needs to find Jensen _now_.


	11. Chapter 11

Jared gets up from the bed and is about to head for the door and go search for Jensen, when he looks at the direction of Jensen’s nightstand and something shiny catches his eye, there’s something lying on the floor beside it. Jared approaches, and realizes it looks like a bracelet. He crouches down and picks it up, standing up again to exam it.

When Jared takes a closer look, all the air leaves his lungs. It’s just a simple bracelet, frayed as if it has been worn for years. But there’s something else.

Jared knows this bracelet.

It’s brown, with two braided leather cords and an infinite symbol in the middle. The color of the leather has long ago faded, but Jared is pretty sure it was a dark shade of brown once.

_They are playing capture the flag at the camp. His team, the Milkshake Demons, was put in a large group among four other ones. Jared stays close to his own team members because it’s his first time playing it._

_Halfway through it, he notices his bracelet is gone. Jared’s mom had given it to him for his 11th birthday, and he really liked the thing, wore it all the time. He starts looking for it, and other people help him, Jack included. They never find it. His mom was sad for a little while because he lost the bracelet, but he long ago forgot about the thing._

Jared is breathing hard and feeling faint, he falls down onto Jensen’s bed again, and the strength of the memory overpowers him. He hasn’t thought about his bracelet in such a long time, and now he has one that looks exactly like the one he lost in his hands. It has to be a huge coincidence, of course, it could never be the same one.

He suddenly remembers something, and after a few deep breaths to calm himself down, with trembling fingers he turns the bracelet around.

_“Thanks Momma, I love it! I’m gonna wear it all the time!” Young Jared beams at his mom, holding the bracelet in his hands, beyond happy with his birthday present._

_“Turn it around, J.T.!”, his momma says. “This one is specially made for you!”_

In the back of the infinite symbol, there are two small letters engraved.

J.T.

Jared can’t breathe. He feels dizzy, the whole room is spinning. This is _his_ bracelet, not a similar one. The bracelet his mother gave him all those years ago. And he lost it at the camp. Which means…

The person who found it had to be at the camp. And now it’s here.

Jared drops the bracelet as he puts both hands in his hair and tugs. The thought growing bigger, is too impossible, too fantastic to be true.

_It cannot be._

Jared starts rifling through Jensen’s stuff, a faint hope he can find some answers there. He opens his drawer and finds Jensen’s small black notebook. In the back of his mind he knows he is violating Jensen’s privacy, but he’s too out of it to care.

His fingers are trembling so hard he can barely manage to open the notebook. In the first page, he finds something written in Jensen’s neat handwriting, and that’s when Jared notices his eyes are blurry because he has to wipe them in order to read what’s written in there.

_J. Ackles_

Jared feels as if the ground has opened below his feet, and he’s falling and falling. He stares at the two simple words, so many tears welling up in his eyes that everything becomes a huge blur. Jared finally understands why hearing Jensen’s last name had triggered something inside him.

_J Ackles. Jackles._

_Jack._

Jared drops the notebook and falls to the floor on his hands and knees, blind with tears, a wave of nausea engulfing him, and Jared has to fight hard not to throw up on the carpet.

Ever since he met Jack, Jared has dreamed about him, every single night. He has had all kind of different dreams, but not this. He wonders if this is a new one, if he’s finally going crazy. Because _this_ , the reality before his eyes, it just cannot be, and yet it’s all laid out in front of him.

_Jensen is Jack._

Jared starts to laugh hysterically at the thought, because it’s too ridiculous. After so many years missing him, crying for him, praying for him, he got Jack back and he didn’t even know it. Jack was here the whole time in front of him and Jared had no idea.

He kissed Jensen and felt guilty because it was like cheating on Jack, when it was Jack all along. Jared kissed _Jack_. How could he have been so blind?

More than ever, Jared needs to find him and make things right.

Jared grabs the bracelet and quickly puts it inside his pants pocket. He’s out of the door in seconds, finding Jensen - _Jack_ \- the only thing in his mind.

Jared walks past all the commotion in the common room where the tables are being set up, and goes out of the back door. The first place he thinks about looking for Jensen is the lake. Their spot. With every step, Jared prays that Jensen is there.

When he approaches the lake, he can see a tall, slim figure leaning against their tree.

It’s dark, but Jared knows it’s him. He has dreamed of him too many times. He approaches the tree from behind, he can see Jensen’s head bowed. _It’s him_. Jared stops right behind Jensen and breathes deeply to try and calm his nerves, at least a bit. When he speaks, he barely recognizes his husky voice as he asks what he has been waiting for way too long.

“Jack?”

It’s a simple question, and yet it holds 12 years of suppressed emotions, longing, suffering and pain.

Jensen’s back stiffens instantly. He slowly pushes away from the tree and turns around to face Jared. There are Christmas lights around all the trees and they make the whole place illuminated, so Jared can see Jensen clearly. When Jared’s eyes meet Jensen’s, he’s hit by a rush of feeling that’s so strong he has to fight to stay on his feet. He looks at Jensen’s face, really looks at it, and he just can’t believe he missed it. Jared always thought Jensen and Jack looked alike, but he told himself it was his brain playing tricks on him, showing things where there was nothing. But now, it’s like someone took a blindfold from his eyes, and for the first time, he can really _see_ Jensen.

He can see Jack.

Jared tries to say something, he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. There aren’t words for this. He asked for it so many times, he prayed every night, and now that’s in front of him he doesn’t know what to do.

A few minutes or days pass, Jared isn’t sure, when Jensen’s hesitant voice breaks the silence.

“How do you know that name?”

Big, fat tears are running down Jared’s face, the notion that he’s looking at Jack, after so long, is too great for him to even start to comprehend. Instead of answering, he reaches into his pocket and takes out the bracelet, and shows it to Jensen, who widens his eyes in shock.

“My mom gave this to me when I turned 11. I lost it when I played capture the flag at a summer camp, and never found it again. Until now.”

Jared looks down at him expectantly. Jensen looks from the bracelet to Jared’s face and back again. His face is blank for a few seconds, and Jared can see the exact moment it dawns on him. Jensen opens his mouth a few times, but only a soft sigh comes out. He finally forces the words out, his voice so husky as if he’s fighting a big wave of emotion.

“J.T.?”

Jensen’s voice is no more than a whisper, and hearing this nickname coming from Jensen’s mouth, it’s like Jared is a little boy again again, talking to Jack for the first time.

_Jack remembers him._

Jared can’t manage to find his own voice, so looking deeply into Jensen’s green eyes, he gives him the faintest of nods.

It’s like everything stops. They are 11 and 15 again, and no time has passed at all. They are at the camp, Jared is a bright eyed boy and Jack has blue hair and an attitude. Jared is amazed by him and he can’t explain why.

They look into each other’s eyes, hazel and green, and it’s like nothing has changed. Jared doesn’t care what happened to them, what happened to Jensen between Jack and now.

The blue-haired boy is in front of him and nothing else matters.

Jensen is the one who breaks the silence, shaking his head without taking his eyes off Jared, a frown on his face.

“I… I can’t believe this. You really are J.T.?”

Jared nods, fresh tears running down his face. “You remember me?”

Jensen’s mouth falls open, a fascinated look on his face. He hesitantly takes a step closer, as if he’s afraid Jared will disappear if he moves too suddenly. Very slowly, Jensen lifts his hand and light as a feather, touches Jared’s face. Jared closes his eyes and stays as still as possible, trying his best not to move a muscle even though he’s almost vibrating inside. Jensen’s touch burns his skin and Jared could die a happy man right now.

“God… you are real.” Jensen’s voice is barely a whisper and Jared leans into the touch of Jensen’s fingers and his warmth.

“Jack… Jensen... I. I don’t know what to say.” Jared struggles to find the words, when he finally opens his eyes and stare intensely at Jensen’s. “I missed you so much, can’t believe you’re here, after all this time. 12 years have passed, so much has happened since then, and now we’re here together again.”

Before Jared’s eyes, Jensen’s face slowly changes, his hand drops from Jared’s cheek and it’s like he’s waking up from a dream. He has a somewhat frightened look on his face. Jensen walks back a couple of steps, away from Jared. He tries to reach out for him but Jensen holds up a hand.

“No!” Jensen shouts as he puts more distance between himself and Jared. “Stay away, Jared! I’m not… I’m not him anymore! You need to stay away from me!”

Before Jared can understand what’s happening, Jensen is running fast, further and further away from him, and Jared is glued to the spot, hand on his face, his skin warm where Jensen’s fingers touched it.

When Jared pulls out of his daze, he can no longer see Jensen. He shakes his head, and sets in motion. He runs around the backyard, shouting Jensen’s name, but there’s nothing. Jared tries inside the building, where everyone is gathered as dinner is starting. He frantically looks everywhere, runs to Jensen’s bedroom but it’s empty. When Jared goes back to the common room, someone grabs his arms and he turns around.

“Jared, what the fuck is going on?” He is met with Chris’ worried face.

“Jensen is gone.” He replies, breathless. There’s no point lying to Chris.

“What do you mean, gone? What happened?” Chris frowns, letting go of Jared’s arm.

Jared really doesn’t have the time or energy to explain right now. “Chris, it’s a long story, but I need to find Jensen now, I’m sorry about the dinner.” Jared starts walking away. “I’ll let you know when I find him.”

Because _if_ is not an option. After making sure Jensen isn’t anywhere inside the clinic, he can only assume that he managed to get out somehow. So Jared leaves the clinic to go search for Jensen on the streets, and he doesn’t care if it takes all night or all his life.

He is not gonna let Jack go again.

Jensen runs and runs, as fast as he can. He manages to climb over the fence at the clinic and escape to the streets and he’s been running ever since. He just needs to get away from there, as far as he can.

Away from Jared.

Jensen slows down when he arrives at a familiar park. He has been here countless times, has slept on many cold benches on a lot of nights. He chooses a bench under a tree and settles down, taking deep breaths to regain his composure. He’s used to running fast, his years on the street taught him that, but he has been out of practice for a couple of months now.

When the adrenaline fades and his body cools down, Jensen starts getting chilly. He’s only wearing a light long sleeved shirt, he wasn’t originally planning on going out since there was the dinner happening at the center, so he didn’t have the chance to grab his coat.This is a particularly cold night, colder than it usually gets this time of the year, so Jensen is pretty fucked. On top of everything else.

Trying to brace himself from the cold, his mind goes back to Jared. Jensen leans forward and hides his face in his hands, finally letting the tears fall down. He’s having a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that Jared is J.T.. It’s too fantastic, something that happens only in movies. Of all people Jensen could have chosen to mug that day, he went for J.T.. And he hadn’t recognized him.

Jensen remembers the first time he saw J.T.. He was back at the camp, a place he loved, where he waited all year long to return to. A place he could go to stay away from home for a month. That was the best part. They were dividing the teams on the first night as usual, and Jensen was watching every camper that sat with him. He was a natural leader, welcoming each new member into their team and already thinking about names and strategies. When that boy with bright hazel eyes sat down, he was intrigued.

He was only a kid, 11, 12 years old tops. It had to be his first time at the camp, Jensen was positive he’d remember seeing him before. The boy seemed so frightened and out of place, Jensen had a sudden urge to protect him. Turned out he was a great addition to the team, since he was responsible for their first victory on that summer. Jensen couldn’t get his mind off that little boy, the night when they had the slow dance, Jensen looked at J.T. and had a sudden desire to dance with him. And that was seriously fucked up.

Jensen knew he was different. He had known for quite a while. Girls had no appeal to him, and when a boy from his school cornered him at the changing room after football practice once everyone was gone and kissed him, Jensen just _knew_. He freaked out and punched the guy, staying as far away from him as possible, but deep down he had enjoyed it, too much. But he was scared shitless, that wasn’t how things were supposed to go. His family, specially his father, would never accept him like this, they were very conservative.

And there was J.T. at that camp, and even though he was too young, Jensen felt himself being pulled towards the boy. He couldn’t explain it, it wasn’t anything physical, he just wanted to be close to J.T., he made him felt at peace. He enjoyed looking at his eyes and seeing his smile. When they watched the sunset and Jensen had to share a secret, he got so close. He wanted to tell J.T., nobody else knew, Jensen wanted him to know. But he was too weak, so he told only a half truth. Later when they were saying good bye and Jensen wrote a note on Jared’s booklet, he shared another part of his secret. He really hoped J.T. would understand someday, how much that boy had meant to him. He was sure J.T. would grow into a beautiful man, and he wished he was able to see it. It was wishful thinking, but he hoped for it anyway.

Jensen had looked forward seeing J.T. the next summer at camp, but his plans changed. In a moment of insanity, he thought it was a good idea to tell his parents he might like boys instead of girls. He was naive enough to believe they would support him, but he was wrong. His mom cried and his father yelled and yelled, telling him no son of his would be a fag and he could never accept it under his roof. Alan had grounded Jensen pretty much forever, put him in another school and forbid him from going to the camp. That was the hardest part for him, not going back to J.T.. Thinking about the boy was what made his days a bit better, and now he would never see him again.

The only thing Jensen had of him was a bracelet, they were playing capture the flag one day and Jensen saw the moment it fell from J.T.’s arm. He caught it, intending to give it back, but when he took a closer look and saw the initials there, he quickly shoved the thing deep in his pocket. He saw J.T. being upset about it, even helped him look for the bracelet and felt so bad, but mostly he wanted something to remind him of the younger boy. And he was glad he had kept it, because since he wasn’t seeing him anymore, at least he had something to remember him by.

Jensen had met a boy in his new school, Jason, and they would spend the afternoons studying in Jensen’s room. That lead naturally to kissing, touching, and eventually hand jobs and blowjobs. They kept it a secret, and Jensen enjoyed it a lot. He wasn’t in love with Jason or anything, but he cared for him and they had fun. Then one day, right after their graduation from high school, everything went to shit. They were in Jensen’s room as usual, he was blowing Jason and Jensen was so into it he hadn’t heard his parents coming home earlier or the knock on his door.

Jensen had never seen his father so enraged in his whole life. He pretty much threw Jason out of his house, and beat Jensen up until he was bleeding on the floor. He screamed and screamed, claiming that Jensen was no longer his son. Alan said he was leaving the house and didn’t want to see Jensen there anymore when he returned. His mom cried the entire time, and refused to look at him. While Jensen hastily packed some of his belongings, his whole body hurting and no idea where he could go, Donna told him she had talked to her aunt who lived in Tulsa and she had agreed to take him in. With no other option he accepted, gathering his meager savings, the money his mother gave him for the bus, and he left. He was alone in the street with a backpack, his ever present guitar and an unknown destination. His mother didn’t even say good bye, Jensen knew she hated him as well. His siblings weren’t at home, but he was sure once they found out the truth, they would loathe him too.

Things don’t get better for Jensen in Tulsa. He gets a job cleaning tables at a local bar and starts community college, it is actually nice, but his aunt isn’t very fond of him. She is as conservative and close-minded as his parents, and Jensen has to hide from her as well. That eventually ends up getting to him, having to always pretend to be someone he wasn’t, so he lost it. He started smoking pot and hanging out with the wrong crowd, getting himself into trouble more often than not. Jensen lasted 2 years in that house, until it became unbearable. He left one night, only with his backpack and guitar, and without a word of goodbye. With his money from the job at the bar, he rented a small room for himself. When he couldn’t afford it anymore, he went to live with a roommate. He lost his job and started crashing at some friends’ places, but he eventually ran out of friends.

With nowhere else to go, he used almost all the money he still had left to get a bus back to Dallas. Not because he intended on going back home, but because he figured that way he had a chance of being closer to J.T., if the boy was still in Texas somewhere. It was stupid, but J.T. was the only thing that kept Jensen going. The image of that little boy, with bright eyes, full of hope. Sometimes he wondered if it had been all a dream, if J.T. was actually real or not. But then he’d look at the bracelet that never left his arm, and he knew that he had been happy once. Jensen knew his chances of finding J.T. were close to none, but being back in Texas felt like being closer to the boy somehow.

That’s when Jensen started living in the streets. He’d sleep on benches in the park, under bridges, anywhere he could find. He met some other homeless people and they stuck together sometimes but often he was completely alone. On some nights he’d go to a shelter for a night in a bed and a shower. He started playing on the streets or at the subway in exchange of money, and that’s when he got addicted to antidepressants. It felt good, made him numb enough to forget the pain, so he’d spend pretty much all of his money on them.

One day, one of his street buddies introduced him to meth, and that was pretty much the end for Jensen. Because the first time he snorted it, he had an hallucination. He saw J.T.’s face. And it felt so damn _good._ He couldn’t get enough meth after that, always trying to find a way to see J.T. again. And he wasn’t making enough money to support his addiction with his music. When Jensen pawned his guitar, his beloved guitar so he had money to get more meth, he knew he had lost it. But at the same time, he didn’t care anymore. He started mugging people, and eventually going to run-down gay clubs to find half hard men coming out, willing to give him a little bag of his heaven in exchange of a blow job in the dark alley.

That was the lowest Jensen went. While he was doing it, his brain would shut down and Jensen would think about J.T., he was his escape, his safe haven. That behavior went on until one guy got too excited, his first time at a gay club, probably clueless wife and 2.5 kids waiting at home, and nearly raped him. Jensen had punched him and ran away. After that, he sticked to mugging.

Jensen didn’t have any hope for himself anymore, he was just surviving, there was no light at the end of the deep tunnel he was in. Until one night, when he mugged a tall dude with shaggy brown hair, because he had run out of meth two days before and was desperate. He got caught again and taken to the station, nothing new there. He had spent a few nights in jail before so he wasn’t crying about it, his only worry having to wait longer to get his crank.

But then, the very same guy he had mugged offered help. The first time Jensen saw Jared’s face and heard his voice, he felt something he hadn’t felt in so long. He felt something good, he felt warmth inside where there had been only coldness. He wanted to be close to Jared for an unknown reason, so he accepted his offer.

Jared was his light when things got rough, when his withdrawal had hit hard and Jensen was desperate and panicking, Jared kept him sane. Even when Jensen got desperate and out of his mind, enough to attempt suicide, Jared was the one to save him. Jared was his only constant, the highlight of his day, the reason Jensen actually wanted to get better for the first time in his life. Jared reminded him of that little boy, especially his eyes, and maybe that was the reason but Jensen didn’t care. Jared became his sun, he saved Jensen in more than one way.

Jensen didn’t realize that he was falling in love with Jared until it was too late. It was as natural as breathing. He just felt it and it seemed right. But he knew Jared would never feel the same way for a homeless drug addict, a nobody. It was enough having Jared around. At the party, Jensen had seen the guitar and it was stronger than him. The song came naturally, a way to tell what he was feeling inside, how Jared was everything and he was nothing.

After they kissed, Jensen just knew. For the first time since J.T., Jensen had real feelings for someone, he wanted to be with someone, he wanted Jared so badly it hurt. But Jared freaked out and disappeared, and Jensen knew it was a lost cause. It was a matter of time until he lost Jared forever, maybe he had already, and he didn’t know what to do, nothing made sense anymore and he felt a sudden and strong urge to go back to the streets and get himself some crank, but he was going to be stronger. He had promised Jared.

Jared had really dismissed him and that hurt a thousand times more than the withdrawal process he had gone through. It felt like being stabbed right in the heart, over and over. But he knew he couldn’t expect anything different. And then, against all odds, Jared came to him and called him Jack. God, he hadn’t used that name in years.

Finding out Jared was J.T. was the biggest shock of Jensen’s life. Maybe deep down he had always known, it was like the final piece of the puzzle was in place. It felt like a dream, the biggest dream of Jensen’s life had come true in front of his eyes. He couldn’t believe that this big strong, kind man was his boy. But he was all that the boy was, only better. Touching J.T.’s face, feeling his warm skin after so many years, having that boy finally in front of him again, was more than Jensen could take.

But reality came crashing down on him. Jared also remembered him, and he was emotional with seeing Jensen again, but things had changed over the past 12 years. Jack, that boy that Jared met and was full of dreams and had a bright future ahead of him didn’t exist anymore. In his place, was a man with no perspective, no money, no place to live, an awful past and a nasty addiction.

Jensen isn’t worthy of Jared and he’s very much aware of that. That’s why he ran. Jared has a future ahead of him, he deserves someone who can give him everything he needs. Finding J.T. again only to lose him right after, hurts Jensen way deeper than the cold that has now settled in his bones. But he knows it’s for the best. Jared deserves so much more. And strangely enough, Jensen’s at peace with that. Of course the pain he feels right now will never leave him, but he finally knows how J.T. looks like all grown up, and that’s what he wished for. All he wants is for Jared to be happy.

Jensen lies down on the bench, and damn it’s so _cold_.

But the only thing he can think of, what he can see when he closes his eyes, is the beautiful man, inside and out, that J.T. has become. He smiles.


	12. Chapter 12

Jared is desperate. He has been looking for Jensen for more than 3 hours and so far no sign of him. He has searched various parts of town, including the whole campus, and Jensen isn’t anywhere. A light rain started about 20 minutes ago, and that only serves to aggravate his worries. He knows Jensen wasn’t wearing a jacket and it’s a very chilly night, even colder now due to the rain. He really hopes Jensen is somewhere warm.

Jared is at the end of his hope, but he isn’t giving up any time soon. He has no idea why Jensen ran away from him, everything seemed so fucking right, finally. Jared can’t understand what went wrong, why Jensen wanted Jared away from him. He has to find Jensen, he _needs_ to. This has been the most unbelievable day of his life so far, right after he figured out he really was in love with Jensen, found out he was actually his lost love Jack, only to lose him again. Jared wonders if Jensen found a way to get out of town, caught a ride or something. Jared nearly has a panic attack only thinking about it, because if Jensen did, if he doesn’t want to be found, then Jared has just lost him. _Again_. The irony in all of that is too much for Jared to handle. He has no idea how he will get through this if he doesn’t find Jensen.

Jared tries searching in a part of town he has been to only a couple of times and isn’t familiar with. He walks a few streets, coming across some homeless people but none of them is Jensen and he thinks better than to ask them if they know him. Perhaps he may do it later if there’s still no sign of the man.

There’s a park nearby, and Jared decides to walk around it. The wind is strong so he pulls the jacket closer to his body as he continues his search. From far away, he spots a bench under a tree, and undoubtedly there’s someone lying down on it. When Jared gets closer, his heart almost stops, and he falls to his knees in relief. He would recognize him anywhere.

_Jensen._

Finally.

Jared gets up and pretty much runs to where Jensen is lying, crouching down next to him. Jensen has his eyes shut, his teeth are chattering, his lips are blue and he’s shivering. Jared gently places a hand on his arm and it’s almost like he has been shocked, his skin ice cold. Jared doesn’t know if Jensen is conscious or not, but before he can find out, he takes off his heavy jacket and places it around Jensen’s torso. That makes Jensen open his eyes, they are unfocused for a few moments but when they find Jared’s face, they go wide.

“Ja… Jared?” Jensen stutters between his clattering teeth.

Jared feels his eyes moistening, he’s getting colder by the minute but he doesn’t care one bit. “Yes Jen, it’s me. You scared the crap out of me, but now I found you.” Jared’s voice wavers. He found Jensen. “And you’re gonna freeze to death real soon, so we need to get the fuck out of here, right now.”

Jared needs to take care of Jensen quickly, he was out in the cold for too long, probably is in the first stages of hypothermia, and needs immediate care, which Jared will provide. He very carefully helps Jensen to his feet, and into his jacket, zipping it up and placing the hood on his head. Jared places both arms around Jensen as they walk out of the park, trying to get him a little bit warmer.

Leaving a hand around his shoulders, Jared fishes his phone out of his pocket and quickly scrolls down until he finds the cab service number. They need to get to his apartment fast and he has no idea where he is or where to get a cab around here. Thankfully the cab arrives less than 10 minutes later, and once they are both settled in, Jared asks the driver to crank up the heater as high as it will go, giving his address and asking the guy to drive fast.

During the whole ride, Jared keeps Jensen glued to his side, both arms around him, running a hand up and down his back. Jensen is quiet, resting his head on Jared’s chest, and Jared places his chin on top of it. He holds Jensen even closer and breathes in his scent. It brings tears to his eyes and he’s hit with a great longing. Now he knows why he smelled Jack when he kissed Jensen. It wasn’t his brain playing tricks on him, he was simply smelling Jensen himself and was too dumb to notice and make the connection. He inhales deeper, and god how he missed this scent. He had felt it countless times when he brought the jersey close to his face, trying to feel Jack one more time, and now here he finally is.

Tears trickle down Jared’s face and disappear inside Jensen’s hair, and Jared wonders when it stopped being blue. He had always wondered what color Jack’s hair really was, and here it is. He likes the dark blonde color, it suits him. Jared has so many questions for Jensen, there is so much to say. But that can wait, there will be time. Jared found Jensen, and it will be okay. For now, he hugs Jensen tighter and buries his nose in his hair.

When they arrive at Jared’s apartment, he quickly unlocks the door and ushers Jensen in, turning up the lights and the heater as well. He’s so glad Chad is away, that way they can have more privacy. Jensen is still shivering and very quiet, so he guides him to the couch and runs to the bathroom, turning the faucet of the tub on, filling it with hot water. Meanwhile, he goes to get towels and then Jensen, taking him to the bathroom and showing him the tub.

“You get in there and warm yourself up, okay Jen? Take your time, you can stay there as long as you want, there is no rush. You’re still way too cold.”

Jensen just nods, and Jared helps him out of the damp jacket. He tells him he’s gonna wait for him outside and get him fresh and dry clothes, asking Jensen to call if he needs anything. Before he can walk out of the bathroom though, he hears Jensen’s quiet voice behind him.

“ ‘m sorry, Jared.”

Jared turns around and gives Jensen a tight smile. “We’ll talk later okay? Don’t worry about it.”

Jared closes the door behind him and leans against it, taking deep breaths. It’s all gonna be okay. Jensen is okay. He gets himself together and down to business. First, Jared sends a message to Chris saying that he found Jensen and will be bringing him back to the clinic tomorrow, briefly explaining what happened. Then, he goes to his room, changes out of his own wet clothes into more comfy ones and finds a simple t-shirt and sweatpants for Jensen. Jared had bought some new underwear that he hasn’t worn yet, so he gets one for Jensen as well as socks. With a light knock, he enters the bathroom to find Jensen in the tub with his eyes closed. He opens them when he hears Jared, and the younger man quickly places the items on the sink and grabs Jensen’s wet clothes so he can wash and dry them for him. He shoots Jensen a smile and leaves the bathroom. He tries not to think about the fact that Jensen is very naked in his tub. He won’t go there now because it will be too much.

When Jared hears Jensen getting out of the tub, he makes them both big mugs of hot chocolate, so Jensen can warm up on the inside as well, and Jared really needs one right now himself. He waits for Jensen, sitting on the couch, both mugs on the coffee table in front of him.

Jared finally hears the bathroom door opening and footsteps coming closer. He looks up and finds Jensen standing beside the couch, Jared’s clothes a little loose on him but he looks good. He isn’t shivering anymore and his lips are back to a normal color, and Jared is happy to see it. Jensen looks unsure and lost, so Jared pats his hand on the couch.

“Come on, I made hot chocolate for us.” Jared gives Jensen an encouraging smile.

Jensen slowly moves forward and sits down beside Jared, accepting the mug offered to him, murmuring a quiet ‘thanks’ and taking a sip. The silence that settles between them is louder than any words, and the tension is palpable. There is so much to say and apparently neither of them know how to begin.

Jared finishes his chocolate and puts the mug on the table, shifting his body so he can face Jensen, who does the same. They silently stare at each other, and _God_. Jared is having the hardest time wrapping his mind around the fact that this guy, in front of him, is Jack. _Jack is in his house._

Jared pinches his arm to see if he’s dreaming and Jensen chuckles.

“What are you doing?” He asks in a quiet voice.

“Making sure this isn’t a dream.” Jared answers, eyeing Jensen significantly. Jared raises his hand and touches Jensen’s face, mirroring Jensen’s own action from earlier. He has cried a lot today already, but apparently his body still has a lot of tears to shed because his eyes get moistened again.

“Jack.” Jared says with a husky voice, because he still can’t find the proper words.

Jensen smiles and lowers his head for a moment, before facing Jared again. “J.T.”

It has been so long since anyone has called Jared that, and he never thought he’d hear that nickname coming from Jack’s mouth again. Speaking of…

“So… what’s really your name? Jack, Jensen? What’s the deal with that, I don’t know what to call you anymore.” Jared asks, slowly dropping his hand from Jensen’s face.

Jensen chuckles again. “My name has always been Jensen. Jensen Ackles. Jack… that was a name I used back then. As a cover up. You can call me Jensen, or… Jen, whatever you like.”

Jared smiles and takes Jensen’s hand in his. “Jensen… okay. I always thought your real name was Jack, never occurred to me that… anyway.” Jared busies himself with playing with Jensen’s thin fingers, as he tries to gather the courage. He has waited so long, he has asked so many times for an opportunity to say what he needs to say to Jensen. And this is it. The universe has given him the opportunity and it’s time for him to take it. “Jen, I…” Jared stops and lets out a long breath, taking a moment to compose himself. “You have no idea. From the moment I met you for the first time, there was something. I was so young, but I knew. I couldn’t understand it at the time, what it really meant. All I knew was that I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Whenever I saw you, whenever we interacted, that was the highlight of my day. Every time you looked at me… I can’t even explain. When I left the camp, left you, it was so hard. I didn’t know what I was feeling, it was all so new to me, I was only a child, Jensen. All I knew was that I couldn’t stop thinking about you, all I could think about was seeing you again. Returning to the camp and realizing you weren’t there… that was the worst month of my life, being there without you.

“I realized I might like boys instead of girls, but when I tried to tell my mom about it, she was so mad. Told me never to bring it up again, that it was a phase. And I tried, Jensen. I tried to be attracted to girls, I kissed some of them but all I could think of was you. And god, I hated you so much for making me feel like this. I knew if I hadn’t met you, my life wouldn’t be that fucked up, but at the same time… thinking about you was the only thing that made me genuinely happy. I never knew if you remembered me, probably not. I was only a kid anyway. But when I finally understood that message you left on my booklet, I knew you had at least noticed me. And that I wasn’t alone in the way I felt. I thank you for that. I have dreamed about you every single day for the past 12 years, Jensen. And I can’t explain why you impacted my life so much, you just did. I don’t know for sure how you feel about me, but… the thing I want most in my life is to be with you.”

Jensen is silent for a long time, and then he gives Jared a sad smile, bringing Jared’s hand to his mouth and placing a gentle kiss to his knuckles. Releasing Jared’s hand, Jensen gets up from the couch and walks around the room, as if trying to gather his thoughts.

Jensen stops by the small dinner table and leans his closed fists on it, not meeting Jared’s eyes. “Jay…” He starts but his voice breaks, and he needs to take some time to find his voice. “Listen. I’m gonna tell you everything that happened to me ever since we met. I need you to understand why we can’t be together.”

Jared opens his mouth to protest, but Jensen raises a hand, silencing him. “No. I need to say it. And I need you to listen. You need to know Jared, please.” Jared remains silent, his lips closed shut, trying not to say anything, and he waits. He sees a tear falling from Jensen’s face onto the table, and he has to fight hard not to get up and dry his tears.

“You see Jared…” Jensen starts in a hoarse voice. “I always knew I was different. I found out at a young age that I wasn’t fond of girls, and I knew my parents would never accept me. They were too close-minded, they hated gays and made it pretty clear. So I had to hide. That’s why I had that disguise when you met me. I figured that since I had to be someone else, I might as well go all the way. I dyed my hair blue, wore black contacts, clothes that had nothing to do with me. I created a nickname and would call myself that. Some friends called me Jackles so I went and shortened it. I wasn’t Jensen anymore, I couldn’t be him for real. That boy you met at the camp… he was hiding, Jared. When I shared my secret with you, that’s what I meant. I couldn’t tell anyone who I really was, I felt trapped.”

Jensen moves to sit down at one of the table chairs, resting his elbows on his knees and facing Jared. He tells him everything, how he met Jason and his father caught them, how he was expelled from his house and lost his family. He tells about the time he went to live with his great aunt, and how he started smoking pot. How he left her house, moved around until he lost his money and ended up with nowhere to live. He tells how he came back to Dallas and became homeless. He tells Jared how he started doing drugs, and Jensen can’t face him when he tells about the small ‘favors’ he did to other guys. Jensen doesn’t look up anymore. Perhaps he thinks he’s gonna see a disgusted look on Jared’s face.

“The thing is, Jared…” Jensen voice wavers as he wipes a tear from his face. “I’m not Jack anymore. Actually, I never was to begin with. That boy doesn’t exist, a fucking lot has happened to him ever since and I’m a different person now. I’m fucked up in a lot more ways than you can imagine.

“You said you don’t know how I feel about you, the truth is… I saw you, Jared. From the first day. I enjoyed being near you, damn I always found a way to sit close to you, in case you didn’t notice,” Jensen chuckles, his eyes looking incredibly sad. “And I missed you too. God, so fucking much. I’m sorry I didn’t go back to the camp that next summer, I just… my parents wouldn’t allow me, once I told them I might be gay. That’s what hurt the most, not going back and not seeing you again. When things started going bad, I thought of you and I wondered if it had all been a dream, because it sounded so distant and too good to be true. The first time I used meth… I saw _you_ Jared. I had an hallucination and I saw J.T.” Jensen wipes his eyes. “And it felt so damn _good_. You were my happy place, ya know. When I… When I had to do awful things to get money, I’d think about J.T., that boy I probably had dreamed about, and I felt peace.”

Jensen slowly gets up and walks to the couch, sitting at the opposite end to Jared, and finally meeting his eyes.

“I ran away from you tonight because I’m not Jack. I’m fucked up and you wouldn’t want to be with me, trust me. I’m not pitying myself or anything, it’s just that you want someone who doesn’t exist, Jared. I’m not the person you dream about.”

Jared watches Jensen for a long time, finding the right words for what he wants to say. Finally, he gives Jensen a smile and moves closer to him on the couch.

“Jen… from the moment I first saw you at the station, I felt something. I wanted to help you, and I didn’t know why. I wanted to be close to you, I asked Chris to take over your case because I felt the need to help you. When I walked into your room, and you… you had…” Jared stops and looks down, taking deep breaths. Talking about finding Jensen like that is still tough. Jensen feels his distress, as he covers Jared’s hand with his own and gently squeezes it.

“Anyway… That scared me, not only the thought of losing you, but realizing why it affected me so much. Of course, you were a patient so I obviously cared, but with you… it was different. I looked forward to go to work, so I could spend time with you. Those free times we had, those were the best part of my day. I gave up going home for Christmas, not only to avoid my family, but because I wanted to be with you. When we kissed… it was like the final piece of the puzzle. And I felt confused as hell, because I thought I was using you to replace Jack. How ironic, huh? And I couldn’t do that to you. When I came to you tonight, I had all the intentions of saying we couldn’t do this, only because I wasn’t sure about what I was feeling. But when you ran away, the thought of losing you… that’s when I knew, Jensen.

“I realized I had fallen in love with _you_. It had nothing to do with Jack. It was you all along. And minutes later, finding out you were actually Jack… can you imagine how my mind was?” Jared turns his palm up and laces his fingers with Jensen’s, squeezing tight.

“What I am saying is… I fell in love with Jack, and I fell in love with Jensen. I fell in love with you twice, without even realizing it. I don’t care what has happened to you, or if you are a different person now. I love both of you, Jensen.”

Jensen lowers his head and scoffs, trying to free his hand from Jared’s, but the younger man just tightens his grip. “Jared, how can you want me? I’ve said countless times, I’m fucked up, I don’t have a home, a family, any money. I’m a junkie, and I’ve done things that will never be erased. I’m worth nothing, how on Earth can you want to be with me?”

Jared slowly lifts his other hand and touches Jensen’s chin, lifting his head and making him look Jared in the eyes.

“I only want to know one thing, Jensen.” Jared swallows hard, about to ask the one question he always wanted to. The only thing that matters. “Do you love me too?”

Jensen takes Jared’s hand and places it on his own cheek, leaning into it, his gaze locked on Jared’s eyes. “I loved J.T., and I love you, Jared. So fucking much. But…”

But Jared doesn’t let him finish. Instead, he moves his hand to Jensen’s lips, preventing him to continue. “Remember that last night at the camp, when we were writing the messages in the booklets?” Jensen nods. “You hugged me. I didn’t think you’d even remember to come and talk to me, but you did, and you hugged me so tight. I felt your arms around me for years. Sometimes I also wondered if I had imagined it, but I could still feel you. That hug was so special to me, it’s the single moment I cherish the most in my life. And tonight, I got you back. Against all odds, you were thrown back in my life. That day we talked about prayers, I said I prayed every night for God to give me something.

“The truth is, for the past 12 years, every single day I prayed for God to put you back in my life. Even for a day. I didn’t want to live all my life without seeing you again. And here you are. God answered my prayers. I’m gonna call it my Christmas miracle, because that’s what it is. I don’t care about anything Jensen, as long as I have you with me. And if you have it, my whole heart is yours. Has been for 12 years. I’ve loved you even before I knew what love was.”

Jared wipes a tear that falls from Jensen’s eyes. “Now that we have had all the talking we needed to, can I please hug you again? Because I’ve been dreaming about it ever since I was 11 years old.”

Jensen’s eyes are shining, and he’s looking at Jared with such intensity that Jared couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. Then, Jensen moves to get up, bringing Jared with him. He untangles his hands from Jared’s only to move both his hands around Jared’s shoulders and pulls the younger man towards him, crashing their bodies together in a tight hug. Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s torso, fisting his shirt. Jensen moves one hand up placing it on the back of Jared’s head, and he buries his face in Jensen’s neck, taking in as much of his scent as he can. Tears fall free from his eyes onto Jensen’s shoulder, and he can feel his own neck getting wet where Jensen has his own face buried. Neither of them say anything, they don’t have to. They just cling to each other like their lives depend on it,and maybe they do, and to put into that hug 12 years of longing, pain, love and loss.

Jared has no idea how much time passes. He is finally where he belongs, he has Jensen in his arms and not a single thing in the world matters anymore. It’s like after 12 years, Jared finally feels alive again. And only over his dead body would he let Jensen go this time.

At some point, they reluctantly break apart, keeping their arms loosely around each other. When their eyes meet again, both of them start laughing, as if they finally can, as if that is the first real laugh they have in a long time. Which it probably is.

Jensen leans forward and rests his forehead on Jared’s shoulder, still laughing.

Jared runs a hand on Jensen’s hair. “What?”

“It’s just… I’m so tired.” Jensen looks up at Jared again, a smile on his face, but there are bags under Jensen’s eyes, and to be honest Jared feels pretty drained himself. It has been a long day.

Jared runs a finger down Jensen’s cheek. “Share my bed with me?”

Jensen gives him a significant look. “I would love to.”

Jared leads Jensen to his bedroom, and the first thing Jensen notices is the dreamcatcher over his bed and he walks closer to exam it.

“Hey… I remember this.” Jensen runs a hand over the feathers.

Jared shrugs. “I kinda got it as a souvenir from the camp… I guess it helped me dream of you. I also got this.” Jared reaches into his closet and comes out with Jensen’s old jersey.

“Hey!” Jensen exclaims, grabbing the jersey from Jared’s hand. “That was mine and I lost it at the camp… can’t believe you had it all this time!”

Jared doesn’t even blush. “Like you had my bracelet.” Jensen just shrugs and murmurs ‘guilty’, as Jared goes on.

“I just wanted something to remind me of you after we were gone. It used to smell like you, but my mom washed it one day, and…” Jared trails off, shrugging.

Without a word, Jensen takes off the shirt he’s wearing and puts on the jersey. It’s tighter, especially around his chest but it looks damn good in him. “So it smells like me again. Not like I’m planning on going anywhere this time.”

Jared swallows hard, watching Jensen wearing the jersey again after so long. He grabs the bracelet from his nightstand, where he left it earlier when he came to the room to change, and hands it to Jensen.

“Maybe you’d like this back.” Jared says in a whisper. Jensen only nods, offering his arm to Jared. The younger man gently ties it around Jensen’s wrist, who stares at it for a while. Jared knows the feeling, the bracelet is what brought them back together, a symbol of what they mean to each other.

“I’m never taking this off.” Jensen says, looking up at Jared.

Jared takes his hand and pulls him down on the bed with him, throwing the covers over both of them. Turning off the lights, Jensen’s face is illuminated only from the dim light coming from open window. Jared and Jensen lie down facing each other and Jared touches Jensen’s face, running a finger down his cheek.

“I missed you all my life.”

Jensen kisses the palm of Jared’s hand and looks at him for a while. “What happens now?”

Jared leans forward and presses his lips against Jensen’s, who places a hand behind Jared’s neck and kisses him back, for a long time. Neither of them deepen the kiss, this is all they need, it’s intimate and it feels perfect. When they break apart, Jared presses his forehead against Jensen’s.

“Now we sleep.”

Jensen puts an arm around Jared and brings him closer, and Jared puts his head on Jensen’s chest. As Jensen places a kiss on Jared’s hair, he smiles against Jensen’s skin. For the first time in 12 years, Jared says a different prayer. For the first time, he doesn’t ask for anything.

He’s only thankful.

_December 25th, 2006_  
  
_You have another name, your hair isn’t blue anymore_  
_and your eyes are green, not black._  
_12 years later, I found you._  
  
_“I saw that you were perfect and so I loved you._  
_Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.”_

 

_ _


	13. Chapter 13

**PART THREE -** **_As Long As You Love Me_ **

 

Jared takes Jensen back to rehab next morning. Jensen had asked him if they would accept him back after he ran away, but Jared told him they would encourage him to finish his program, maybe adding some extra time to his stay. Jensen didn’t argue.

Jared had the best morning of his whole life. Waking up next to Jensen, who was quietly watching him while carding his fingers through his hair, had been like waking up in heaven.

“Aren’t you a creep?” Jared had mumbled in a sleepy voice, a lazy smile on his face.

“Just enjoying the opportunity to take a closer look at your face.” Jensen answers, running his thumb down Jared’s cheek. “When I said you reminded me of someone, I had no idea how right I was. You’re all grown up now but your bright eyes are still the same.”

They had breakfast together, while Jared explained to Jensen what was gonna happen next, and then they got ready to start the day. Jared had loved this small piece of routine, and he hoped they could have that everyday, soon.

They walk to the clinic side by side, not holding hands but close enough, sharing looks and smiles. Jared knows Jensen is nervous, he is as well. It won’t be easy by any means, but he’s got Jensen by his side and that’s all that matters.

Arriving at the clinic, Jared leads Jensen straight to Chris’ office. Chris asks if Jensen is okay and Jared can detect real concern in his voice. Jensen nods and apologizes for running away, promising it won’t happen again. Chris sends Jensen to his room, so he can talk to Jared alone for a moment. When the door closes behind Jensen, Chris motions for Jared to sit, as he himself walks around his desk and sits down on his chair.

“So, Jared. What’s the deal here? What’s going on between you two?”

Jared’s eyes go wide. “How do you know?”

Chris scoffs and leans back on his chair. “Jared, please. I’m not blind, that’s all. I knew something was up for a while now. So please tell me. I promise you won’t be fired or anything, I just need to know if you two are involved.”

Jared presses his lips together. There are a lot of answers to this question and Jared doesn’t even know where to begin.

“It’s complicated, Chris.” Jared replies honestly, with a sigh. “We are not dating or anything. Actually… I don’t know, not officially. The thing is, it’s a long story. I could stay here with you all day long to tell you, but I won’t. That’s between Jensen and me. What I am telling you is that Jensen and I go way back. Years before he mugged me. But I didn’t know he was the same person, we only found out yesterday. He actually ran away because… he got stressed out after finding out about it. And a lot of things have changed between us since yesterday. I know it’s very likely against the rules for a counselor to get involved with a patient, but this is not something random, Chris… I love working here so much, but if I need to choose… I won’t let Jensen go.”

Chris studies him for a second, as Jared stares at a spot on Chris’ desk. “Are you in love with him, Jared?”

“Yes.” Jared doesn’t even hesitate. Chris didn’t know he was gay, it’s the second person Jared admits too that he’s in love with a guy. And he suddenly realizes he’s not as afraid as he used to be. He’s proud of himself for that, Jensen has that effect on him. He feels brave.

Chris nods, slowly. “I see. And from the way he acts around you and looks at you, he feels the same way.” Jared blushes at that. “Well, I totally support you guys, 100%. I can see how you two are good for each other and you’ve helped Jensen a great deal. I won’t make you leave the clinic or anything, just ask you guys to keep what you have outside the walls until Jensen’s stay is over. But you know I can’t let you be responsible for his treatment anymore, Jare. You too got too personal.”

Jared only nods. He knew that was coming and he knows it’s for Jensen’s good. He still gets to hang out with Jensen in their spare time until Jensen is released, so that only means they won’t share the counselor-patient time anymore. It isn’t the end of the world. He is grateful to still have his job.

“I’ll be taking over Jensen’s case until he’s released.” Chris tells Jared. “As you probably know, I’ll be adding a couple weeks to his treatment because of his escape. He has been doing pretty good so far, and knowing he didn’t run because of his addiction makes me kinda relieved. But it’s procedure so he needs to stay longer. I promise I’ll take good care of your boy so he’s good as new when it’s time to leave. Oh, and I meant when I said I want him in my band! That dude’s got quite a voice, I’m impressed.”

Jared chuckles and thanks Chris. When he walks out of the office to get Jensen, he lets out a deep breath, feeling relieved, not only for Chris not judging him, but also for taking over Jensen’s case himself. He knows Jensen is in the best of hands.

The day runs smoothly at the clinic, Chris calls Jensen after Jared and him finish talking, and the three of them talk about the future of Jensen’s program. Jensen agrees to continue his treatment with Chris instead, once the man explains why Jared can’t do it anymore. Chris tells him that if everything goes well, he can be discharged in three weeks, and that they will discuss the programs they have to help the patients find a job and a place to live once they are gone.

Later, they all have a nice Christmas lunch, Jared and Jensen sitting side by side and they try to be as discreet as they can, only stealing a few glances but their knees touch under the table the whole time.

Going home without Jensen hits Jared hard. He knew from the beginning he would have to stay at the clinic, Jensen needs to finish his program, it’s vital for him to do so. But it doesn’t make it any easier, coming back to an empty house after what Jensen and him shared. Jared has the day off tomorrow, especially since he worked on Christmas, but he’ll be damned if he’s gonna spend a whole day without seeing Jensen. He’s already planning on visiting the man in the afternoon.

Jared is particularly dreading entering his room and seeing an empty bed after sharing it with Jensen, but his heart skips a beat when he notices what’s lying on top of it. There is the discarded jersey that Jensen wore to sleep last night. Jared carefully picks it up and brings it closer to his face. When his nose picks up Jensen’s pure scent, his eyes fill with tears. He sits down on the bed and holds the jersey close to his heart. Now he has not only a small piece of Jensen again, he has all of Jensen himself. And Jared is willing to do the impossible to keep him. He cuddles the jersey all night.

Chad comes back home the next morning to find Jared baking muffins. He drops his baggage in the living room and sits down at the kitchen counter.

“Dude, since when did you become Betty Crocker?” Chad asks laughing and Jared only blushes but doesn’t answer him. He had thought he would make some muffins to bring Jensen when he goes visit him later. Sounded like a good idea.

Chad apparently picks up Jared’s mood and his laughter dies. “What’s up, dude?”

Jared puts a batch of muffins in the oven before sitting down across from Chad. “I need to tell you something.”

Chad’s eyes go wide. “Something _else_? Dude, you’re not planning on becoming a drag queen, are you? Because you’d never find clothes your size.”

Jared chuckles. “Nah, don’t worry about it. It’s just… you’re my best friend, so you should know about it. Remember when I said I found out I might be gay because I met a boy at the camp?” Chad nods, motioning for Jared to keep going. “Well… his name was Jack.”

Chad frowns. “Wasn’t this that older dude with blue hair from your group?”

Jared nods. “Yes. Well.. I’ve told you how I missed him so much and how I suffered because of it. And now… I’ve found him.”

“Oh my God, are you serious?? Where?” Chad leans closer to Jared, excited about the news.

“He’s… at the clinic. It turns out he’s actually Jensen.”

Chad’s chin drops to his chest. “WHAT? He’s _the_ Jensen? The one you kissed?” Jared nods, smiling. Chad shakes his head a few times, blinking as if trying to digest what he just heard. “Dude, how is that even possible?”

“You got me. Destiny, maybe? The thing is, Jensen is Jack and we found out 2 days ago.”

Chad stares at Jared in amazement. “Dude, that’s so insane! What happens now between you two? Is Jensen still at the clinic?”

Jared nods. “Long story short, after we made the connection Jensen freaked out and ran. I found him and brought him here, and we spent the night at the apartment. Before you ask, nothing happened. But yes… we’re together, I guess. And yesterday I took him back to the clinic to finish his treatment. I’m off today but I’ll go see him later, that’s why I’m making the muffins”. Jared shrugs, feeling embarrassed, but Chad reaches out and squeezes Jared’s shoulder.

“I think it’s awesome. And I’m very happy for you, Jaybird, I mean it. As I’ve said, you deserve to find your prince charming, and apparently you and Jensen are meant to be. When is Jensen gonna be released from the clinic? What are you planning to do after he’s out?”

Jared lowers his gaze. “I don’t know. Haven’t thought about it yet, but one thing is for sure, he won’t go back to the streets. I’ll figure something out.”

Chad nods, pensive. “I’m sure it will all work out, Jaybird. You guys will get your happy ending. Now shut up and gimme a muffin.”

During the next week, Jared keeps finding himself spending all his free time with Jensen. They don’t do more than casual touches when nobody is looking, Jared has decided to keep his promise to Chris that he would keep their relationship outside the walls. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Jared itches to touch more, to hold Jensen close, to kiss him like he wants to. And from the way Jensen acts, he knows the feeling is mutual. He still can’t believe he got Jack - or Jensen - back, so it’s pretty damn hard to keep it to himself. He can’t wait for Jensen to be released from the clinic - even that it means they still need to figure out where Jensen will go once he leaves the clinic. But Jared will start worrying about that later.

On New Year’s Eve, Jared’s friends are all going to a party at Fitzsimons, Chad is even taking Sophia since things between them became serious a few weeks back. But Jared is not going, instead he signed himself up to stay at the clinic to help with their New Year celebration. Chris knew from the start what Jared’s real intentions were, but he let that one slide. Jared wants to celebrate his first New Year’s after getting Jensen back, with Jensen himself. It’s only fair, and he’s not giving up on that. He tells his friends the truth, that he’s working on New Year’s Eve, he just leaves out the part where he volunteered to do so. His friends don’t know about Jensen yet and he’s still not quite ready to tell them, only Chad knows what his real intentions are and he’s thankfully keeping really quiet about it.

The party is set up at the garden behind the clinic building, with a large table full of food, beverages and it’s surrounded by small tables for everyone to sit and eat at. There’s music and Chris’ band is playing, everyone is having a good time and it’s a cool night. Jensen keeps close to Jared most of the time, trying to act cool, just a counselor and patient hanging out--nothing out of the ordinary.

In between songs, Chris gets down from the small stage that is set up for them and approaches Jensen.

“Hey dude! So, I saw you singing the other day at our little party and I was wondering if you’d like to sing a song with us. It’d be very simple, just you and me playing the guitar. What do you say?”

Jensen looks taken aback, so he looks at Jared for an opinion. Jared only shrugs and smiles at him.

“I wouldn’t complain… I’d love to hear you singing.”

Jensen looks at the stage and considers it for a moment. “Yeah… guess it wouldn’t hurt, if it’s just you guys. Okay, let’s do it.”

Jared smiles and squeezes Jensen’s hand for support, as he leans closer to his ear. “You’ll be amazing.”

Jensen gives him a small smile back and walks off with Chris to the stage. Chris shows Jensen what apparently is his song book and Jensen chooses something after taking a few moments to look at it. Then, both of them get settled on stools at the front of the stage, Chris with a guitar and Jensen with the mic. Steve announces that Jensen will be singing a song and everyone cheers, Jared being the loudest, whooping and clapping. Jensen seeks Jared’s face among the small crowd, and when he finds it, he visibly relaxes. Jared winks at him and Jensen smiles as Chris starts playing. Jensen brings the mic close to his mouth.

 _All my life_  
_Been running from a pain in me_  
_A feeling I don't understand_  
_Holding me down_

 _So rain on me_  
_Underwater, all I am_  
_Getting harder, a heavy weight_  
_I carry around_

 _Today_  
_I don't have to fall apart_  
_I don't have to be afraid_  
_I don't have to let the damage consume me_  
_My shadow see through me_

Jensen’s eyes are glued to Jared’s while he sings, and Jared has a smile plastered on his face. And if there’s some tears welling up in his eyes, who’s to care but him?

 _‘Cause fear in itself_  
_Will reel you in and spit you out_  
_Over and over again_  
_Believe in yourself_  
_And you will walk_  
_Now, fear in itself_  
_Will use you up and break you down_  
_Like you were never enough_  
_Yeah, I used to fall, now I get back up_

 _I'm up here_  
_I'm looking at the way down there_  
_And I'm staring through the I don't care_  
_It's staring back at me_

 _The beauty is_  
_I’m learning how to face my beast_  
_Starting now to find some peace_  
_Oh, and set myself free_

Jared doesn’t try to hold back his tears anymore, because he feels so proud of Jensen, and if the other time he couldn’t face anyone, this time he holds his head up high and sings with a smile on his face. God, he’s so proud he could scream.

 _Now, fear, fear in itself_  
_Can use you up and it breaks you down_  
_Like you're never enough_  
_Yeah, I used to fall_

 _Breathe_  
_Ask for more_  
_If you're bitter still_  
_Ask him to help you carry on_

Jensen finishes the song and people start clapping, but he has eyes for nobody else, but Jared. He quickly thanks Chris, who’s grinning like a maniac, as if he’s just found the pot of gold at the end of his musical rainbow. Jensen walks off the stage and walks straight to Jared.

“So?” He asks shyly, stopping in front of Jared.

“Amazing.” Jared smiles. His fingers are already itching to touch Jensen, specially after hearing him sing. Midnight is fastly approaching, and Jared is basically done, so he casually drags Jensen away from the party towards _their_ spot at the lake. Both of them come to stand behind their tree, hidden from everyone’s prying eyes.

“Hey there.” Jensen puts an arm around Jared’s waist and presses his other hand against Jared’s face.

“Hey yourself.” Jared smiles back at Jensen as he takes a step closer. “I’ve missed you.”

They hear Chris; voice on the microphone starting the countdown and both of them look up to the sky. It’s a clear night, and the stars are shining bright.

“It’s amazing, isn‘t it?” Jared asks with emotion in his voice. Their eyes meet then and Jensen gives him a knowing smile.

“Remember when I once told you I’d see you again someday?.” Jensen’s eyes are shining when Jared nods, swallowing hard. “I’m glad I was able to keep that promise. Sorry it took me 12 years to fulfill it.”

A tear escapes Jared’s eye and there’s a lump building in his throat when Chris screams ‘Happy New Year!’. Jared leans forward and pushes his lips against Jensen’s, placing a hand behind his neck to keep him as close as possible. Jensen licks Jared’s bottom lip and the younger man opens up for him, deepening their kiss for the first time. They explore each other’s mouths, their tongues dancing around each other, and it’s heated and passionate, both trying to make up for the last few days where they couldn’t go beyond a light touch. It’s the first time Jared’s kissed someone with want in his ribs, it’s the first time there’s meaning behind it, and it’s the biggest moment of Jared’s life. Kissing Jensen feels like being in heaven, and Jared could easily die a happy man right now.

When they finally break apart, Jensen places both hands on Jared’s face, while Jared keeps his hand behind the Jensen’s neck. They stare into each other’s eyes with matching smiles on their faces.

“This is the best New Year of my life. I got you and as long as I have you, I don’t need anything else, ever.” Jared says quietly, his eyes never leaving Jensen’s.

Jensen presses up onto the tip of his toes and places a kiss on Jared’s forehead, bringing him close for a tight hug, whispering in his ear--

“Here’s to us, my boy. Happy New Year.”

With little more than a week left before Jensen is to leave the clinic, Jared is still trying to come up with a plan. Jensen and Chris are working on the job program to help Jensen find something, and they have places the patient can stay at, while they get back on their feet, but Jared knows he wants Jensen close, and Jared can tell Jensen wants that too, even if he doesn’t voice it, maybe in the fear that he’s pushing things.

Jared is at home, nervously waiting for Chad, he thought he would ask his friend if it was okay with him if Jensen moved in with them for a while, until he can figure out a more permanent solution. He’d talked to Danni earlier and learned there was a spot open at the coffee shop and Jared knows that Jim, the owner, has employed ex-addicts from the clinic before, so he talked to the old man and he has agreed to talk to Jensen. Jensen, who is eager himself to get a job and restart his life, so Jared’s sure he will get the job. Now he just needs a place to stay.

Chad arrives, and before Jared can say anything, his friend beats him to it.

“Jaybird, I need to talk to you about something!” He says, sitting down across from Jared on the couch.

“Yeah… kinda me too. But you go first.” Jared answers, frowning.

“Well,” Chad starts, clasping his hands together. “I know you’re struggling to find a solution for when Jensen leaves the clinic, and I have one for you.”

Jared’s eyes widen at that. “Okay, please tell me.”

“Well, you know how Soph and I are totally serious now? Well, the chick who lives with her has to move back home, some family problems--I guess. And she said it would be great if I moved in with her, she just doesn’t want me to leave you… but I guess it would be perfect, because you could bring Jensen to live here with you. I’m sure he will get a job soon, and you can split the bills with him instead. I mean… if you both want it of course. If you don’t, I’ll happily stay here with you!”

Jared stares at Chad open mouthed. He always knew his friend was great, but lately he has been surprising him. “You would seriously do that for me, Chad?”

Chad shrugs. “Well. It’s not like it would be a huge sacrifice to me, I’d benefit from this arrangement as well. But yes, I would Jay. You and your boy deserve to be together and I know things won’t be easy for you guys, so I figured I could at least try to help a little bit. Consider it a delayed Christmas present from your awesomest friend.”

Jared reaches out and squeezes Chad’s shoulder, giving his friend his most sincere smile.

“Thanks, dude.”

Chad smiles back at him. “You’re welcome. Now let’s play your Nintendo while I still live here.”

Jared tells Jensen about the job interview with Jim the next time he sees the man, and Jensen is very grateful, promising to do his best at the interview. Jared can tell Jensen is excited with the prospect of getting an actual job for the first time in a long while. Both of them know the money isn’t great, but it’s a good start for Jensen, so he can begin to stand on his own again.

When Jared brings up the moving arrangements, and how he wants Jensen to come share his apartment with him, Jensen is wary.

“Jay, I… I don’t know if I can do that. It would be too much to ask from you, and I don’t want your roommate to move away because of me, it’s not fair. I’ll figure something out, don’t worry.”

They’re sitting down by the lake, and Jared grabs Jensen’s hand as he looks into his worried eyes. “Don’t you want to go stay with me, Jen?”

Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand. “I do, Jared, please, but…”

“Then come with me, Jensen. Chad was the one who suggested it in the first place, he’s going to live with Sophia so it’s not like he’s missing out on anything. He wanted to give this to us and I want you to be with me. I missed you for more than 12 years, I don’t wanna be away from you anymore. Please come stay with me?”

Jared throws his puppy dog eyes at Jensen, hoping to convince the other man.

Jensen looks down. “You sure you want to live with a drug addict, Jared?”

Jared leans closer to him. “I want to live with _Jensen_. Your addiction, is just a part of your life and you’re working on getting better, we’ll deal with the hard stuff together. I want all of you, Jen.

Jensen sighs and considers Jared for a while and knows he can’t resist that face. “Fine. I’ll come live with you. But if we end up wanting to kill each other by the end of the first week, it’s all on you!”

Jared nudges Jensen’s shoulder with his own. “Does that mean you’re my boyfriend?”

Jensen gives him a shy smile. “Well, I guess since we’re skipping some steps and moving in together, I need to ask you officially. Do you wanna be my boyfriend?”

Jared stares at Jensen for a while, trying not to embarrass himself by crying again. “It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted and the question I never thought I’d hear. Of course I wanna be your boyfriend.”

Jensen puts an arm around Jared’s shoulders and brings him closer, and Jared has to restrain himself from kissing his _boyfriend_ on the lips. Instead, he takes Jensen’s hand and presses his lips against his knuckles. Everything is gonna be alright.

Jensen is a pile of nerves as he prepares himself, with Jared’s help, for the interview at the coffee shop. Jared bought him brand new clothes as a good luck gift, black slacks and a navy blue button down. Jensen has shaved and styled his hair to look presentable, and now Jared is telling him a bit about the coffee shop. But Jensen is only half listening to it, because he’s so damn nervous. It’s a interview at a coffee shop, but to him it might as well be for a CEO position in a multinational company. The last job Jensen had was when he was living in Tulsa with his aunt, and so much shit has happened to him since then.

Jensen never thought he’d have a second chance, he thought he was already done for. He didn’t have any hope for himself, he assumed someday a mugging would go wrong and he’d be shot, or have an overdose. And that would be it for him. He was fine with it, he couldn’t even see the tunnel let alone the light at the end of it. But then Jared came back into his life and saved him, in a lot more ways than he could have ever imagined.

Jared is his light, it’s him who gives Jensen hope, a reason to fight and a want to live, makes him want to get better and start a new life. And he wants to do it with Jared. It’s not easy, he often craves the drug, he knows he’s not ‘cured’ and probably will never be, but he can be strong, for Jared--for both of them. He was wary when Jared suggested that he should move into his apartment, but the truth is, there’s nothing he wants more. Jared awakened feelings inside of him that he thought were long dead, things he had only felt once, for Jared himself. Life is strange that way.

With Chris’ permission, Jared takes Jensen to the coffee shop, and introduces him to the girl at the counter, Danneel.

“It’s soooo great to finally meet you Jensen! I’ve heard a lot about you.” She says with a smirk. Jared’s eyes widen and he turns deep red, Jensen is sure she doesn’t know about them so he just shrugs and shakes her extended hand. “Nice to meet you, too!”

Danneel calls Jim and an old guy with a beard comes out of the back of the shop. He looks gruff but his eyes are friendly as he greets Jensen. Jim tells Jensen to follow him to the back room, and after a nervous glance at Jared, who gives him an encouraging look, Jensen goes with Jim. There’s a desk and Jim motions for Jensen to sit down across from him. They talk, and Jensen tells Jim about his life, he doesn’t hide from the older man the wrong choices he has made but makes it clear that he wants a chance to start over, and is willing to learn everything he needs to.

“Well,” Jim starts in a husky voice. “I believe people deserve second chances. You made mistakes but you want a fresh start, and it just so happens that I can help you with that. And I think you’ll do great. So, when do you leave the clinic so you can start here?”

Once they’ve left the coffee shop and are out of eyesight, Jared pulls Jensen to him and gives him a bone crushing hug, and Jensen holds him back just as tight.

“I’m so proud of you!” Jared whispers in his ear.

If they stop by for ice cream before heading back to the clinic as a celebration, nobody needs to know.

Almost a week later, Jensen is finally released from the clinic. Chris makes a final evaluation with him, and concludes he’s ready to go. They have a long talk about the future, and Chris tells Jensen to keep attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings and seek professional help if he feels he needs to. Jensen promises to do both. He’s only too anxious to start his new life.

Once Jared’s shift is over, for the first time--Jensen goes with him. He grabs his backpack with his meager belongings, says goodbye to Chris - who tells Jensen he’s gonna hear from him soon - and goes with his boyfriend. They walk side by side the few blocks towards Jared’s apartment, and halfway there Jensen feels Jared’s fingers intertwining with his own, and Jensen gives Jared an encouraging smile. They don’t need to hide anymore, and it feels so liberating.

They arrive at Jared’s door, and Jared unlocks it, bringing Jensen with him into the apartment and turning on the light. Jared makes a motion with his extended arm, showing the living room.

“It’s not much, I know, but…”

“It’s perfect.” Jensen cuts him, placing a soft kiss on Jared’s cheek.

Jared puts his arm around Jensen and brings him closer, kissing his temple.

“Welcome home.”


	14. Chapter 14

Jared helps Jensen get settled in the apartment. They put all of Jensen’s stuff in Jared’s bedroom, since it’s a silent agreement that they will be sharing a bedroom, there’s no way Jared would let Jensen sleep out of arm’s reach. Chad’s room can be used for guests.

Before Jared has time to think what they will be having for dinner, the doorbell rings. When Jared answers it, Chad is standing at the doorstep, a pizza box in one hand and his eyes pinched shut.

“Chad what is that? Open your damn eyes!” Jared says, chuckling.

“You guys aren’t naked, are you??” Chad asks with a frown.

Jared laughs and pulls his friend inside. “Come on in, you asshole!”

Chad opens his eyes and lets out a relieved breath. “Great. I was worried I’d be interrupting something. I thought I should be a good friend and provide the first dinner for the lovebirds in the house. Also, you still need to introduce me to Jensen, he needs to meet the more awesome roommate.”

“You wish. Thanks for dinner though.” Jared says while he takes the pizza from Chad and calls for Jensen, who is currently cleaning their bedroom, since according to him, it hasn’t seen a vacuum cleaner in a while.

When Jensen comes into the living room, he looks at Chad and sends Jared a questioning glance.

“Jen, this is Chad, my best friend and former roommate. He brought us pizza as a welcome present and wants to meet you.”

Jensen steps forward with a smile, and extends a hand that Chad promptly shakes. “Nice to meet you man! Thanks for, ya know… letting me move in here. It was very nice of you.”

Chad waves him off. “It’s alright, I’m with my girl so it’s not like I’m complaining.”

Jared comes back from the kitchen where he dropped the pizza box. “Chad was also at the camp with us. That’s where we met as well.”

Jensen looks at Chad with a frown. “Oh yeah… I remember now, the blonde kid who was always with Jared. It’s good to know you guys remained friends, I’m happy to see it. Are you joining us for dinner?”

Chad shakes his head. “Nah, I wouldn’t dream of getting in your way on your first night alone. Besides, Soph is waiting, I just dropped by on my way home from work, was curious to meet my boy’s man”. He looks intently at Jensen. “You should know I’m very protective.”

Jensen chuckles as he glances down, blushing. “I’ll do everything I can to make your friend happy.”

Chad nods, studying Jensen and apparently liking what he sees. “I’m sure you will. Okay, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone now. Enjoy the pizza, I put my best efforts into buying it!”

Jared closes the door behind Chad and gives Jensen an apologetic smile. “Sorry about Chad, he can be too much at times, but he’s a loyal friend.”

Jensen just shakes his head. “He is great and I like him already and it was very nice of him to bring us pizza. So, shall we eat? This smell is killing me!”

While they eat their pizza on the couch, they talk.

“So,” Jensen says, while chewing his pepperoni pizza. “Your family don’t know about you? They really don’t have a clue?”

“No. The only time I tried to tell my mom and brother, they freaked out. Said it was a sin, my mom told me it was a phase and I would get over it. And I should never tell my father anything. That’s why I wanted to get away, I couldn’t bear stay in a place where everyone hates a person like me. So I left, and ever since I came here, I only talk to them the necessary amount. This was the first Christmas I didn’t go back… not only did I not feel like seeing them, I wanted to spend more time with you. And I’m glad I don’t have to hide here anymore, I finally get to be who I am.”

Jensen smiles. “I’m so glad you decided to come here, so we could find each other. And I’m with you on that, no hiding.”

“What about your family, Jen? You don’t think about contacting them?”

“No.” Jensen simply states as he finishes his second slice of pizza. “They threw me out, I have nothing to do with them anymore. I miss my mom sometimes, I don’t think she hates me as much as my father does, but still… I’m good like this for now.”

When both of them are finished with dinner, Jensen takes their dishes and the pizza box to the kitchen. When he comes back, he turns off the light in the living room, leaving only the blue light from the TV, and sits pressed up against Jared on the couch.

Jared leans closer to Jensen, as the older man runs a finger lightly along his face and neck.

“Tell me Jay,” Jensen whispers against his ear. “Have you ever been with another man?”

Jared swallows hard, Jensen being this close to him can’t end good. “N-no… I’ve never… I only kissed girls and I hated it, but I c-couldn’t… only you.”

Jensen leans closer and places a small kiss behind Jared’s ear and trails down his neck and that sends shivers through Jared’s whole body. Jesus. Christ.

“So… you never went all the way with anyone?”

“No…” Jared blushes and tries to move away, but Jensen brings him even closer.

“I think this is so awesome, you know. Having you all to myself. Only mine, never anyone else’s.”

Jared nods, but can’t form any words as Jensen moves to kneel on the couch, straddling Jared’s legs and placing both hands on Jared’s face, kissing him fully on the lips. Jared puts both arms around Jensen and brings him closer, and as Jensen licks his lips, Jared opens up for him, their tongues passionately tangling. Jensen tastes like pizza, Coke and _Jensen_ , and God it’s inebriating. Jared feels his cock hardening, and before he can get embarrassed, he feels Jensen’s erection rubbing against his own and he has never felt so turned on in his life.

Jensen breaks the kiss only to remove Jared’s shirt, and Jared does the same. He admires Jensen’s body, running both hands down his chest and belly, and God Jensen is so fucking _beautiful_. Jensen kisses his way down Jared’s chest and licks one nipple while massaging the other one with his thumb, making Jared see stars.

Jensen goes back to Jared’s mouth, and Jared grabs Jensen’s hips, bringing him down to grind their erections together through the fabric of their clothes. They gasp and moan into each other’s mouth. Jared is losing control as Jensen grabs his hair with both hands and tilts his head back, sucking on his neck and moving faster and faster. Jared can’t hold it back anymore as he comes hard inside his pants, chanting Jensen’s name, and the older man quickly follows him.

Jensen collapses against Jared’s body and both men stay like this, trying to regain their breath as they hold each other.

A long time passes before they finally move. Both men shuffle together to their room with their wet pants sticking to them, it feels gross, but they laugh and take turns in the bathroom for their nightly routine.. Jared knows he isn’t ready to go all the way yet, he wants to take it slow and he knows Jensen feels it too. This was just perfect, it was the first time he felt something like this, so powerful.

When they get into their bed, Jensen lies on his side and brings Jared close to him, his back against Jensen’s chest. Jensen places an arm around him, his hand close to Jared’s heart.

“Thank you.” Jared murmurs, knowing full well Jensen understand what he means.

Jensen places a light kiss on the back of Jared’s neck. “I love you.” He murmurs.

A silent tear escapes Jared’s eye after hearing that, and without finding the words, he places his own hand over Jensen’s, pressing them against his chest, so Jensen can feel how fast his heart is beating.

How it beats only for Jensen.

Things go smoothly over the next week. Jensen starts at the coffee shop two days after he leaves the clinic, and so far he’s loving it from what he tells Jared. Danneel is a good teacher and Jensen is slowly getting the hang of it. She still doesn’t know about them, but Jared plans on changing that soon.

Jared feels kinda bummed because there’s no Jensen at the clinic. He had gotten used to having him there and it just feels weird and empty without him. He tries his best not to show it, but he knows Chris feels it. The counselor asks more than once how Jensen is doing, and tells Jared he wants to have a word with him soon. After seeing Jared’s worried face, he tells him it’s no big deal and that he can talk to him later about certain things.

But coming home to Jensen is the new highlight of Jared’s day. They still haven’t gone past the heavy make out sessions, which is great for now. He’s happier than he has ever been, Jensen and him are slowly starting to build their life together and he couldn’t ask for more.

On Saturday, Chad calls Jared and tells him everyone is meeting up at Fitzsimons later, and Jensen and him are supposed to come. Jared is wary at first, but he figures it’s the perfect opportunity to come out to his friends and see their reaction. He asks Jensen if he’s okay with going to a bar, but his boyfriend brushes him off, saying that even though he’s not supposed to drink alcohol, his addiction was never that in the first place so he’s cool with it.

When they arrive at the bar, Jared is sweating, feeling nervous as hell with telling his friends the truth. Everyone is already there, Danneel, Milo, Chad and Soph (Sophia doesn’t know anything yet, Chad had told Jared it wasn’t his place to tell), and as they approach the table, Jensen apparently feels Jared’s distress as he quickly squeezes his hand in support, and Jared relaxes an inch.

When they finally stop at the table, everyone but Chad look at them questioningly, clueless to the fact Jared was bringing someone. He sees recognition in Sophia’s eyes, as she obviously knows who Jensen is, and looks at Jared waiting for an explanation. Danni of course knows who the man is as well, but as the rest of them she has no idea what he’s doing here.

“Hey guys…” Jared starts, clearing his throat. “As some of you know, this… is Jensen.”

Jensen gives everyone a shy smile, as Jared takes a deep breath and grabs Jensen’s hand.

“He’s… my boyfriend.” Everyone stares at them, and Jared hold his breath, waiting for the judgment. Hours seem to pass, as nobody says anything and Jensen holds Jared’s hand tighter.

Danneel is the first one to break the silence, as she jumps out of her chair. “Oh my God, I knew it! I had a sixth sense about you two, I’m so happy for you!”

She throws her arms around the two men and they hug her back. Like that, the mood lightens and everyone congratulates them, not once questioning Jared’s sexual preferences and welcoming Jensen with open arms, making room for them to sit side by side at their table and including Jensen in the conversation. It’s a great night and Jared couldn’t be more thankful for his friends. It’s the only family he needs, one that accepts him for what he is without any judgement.

A few days later, Chris asks Jared at work if it’s okay for Steve and him to come over so they can talk to Jensen. When Chris mentions Steve, Jared has a pretty good idea what the subject of the conversation is, and he could not be more on board with it. So he asks the guys for dinner, and calls Jensen to let him know they are coming over.

On his way home, Jared makes a stop at the grocery store to buy ingredients for pasta, and by the time he gets home, Jensen is already taking a shower. When Jared tells him about his cooking plans, Jensen asks if he can take over. He had already mentioned that he enjoyed cooking when he lived with his family and even with his aunt, and he misses it. Jensen had already made great sandwiches for both of them, so Jared knows he doesn’t suck entirely, therefore he allows Jensen to take care of dinner while he goes take a nice shower.

By the time the guys arrive, dinner is ready and smelling delicious, and Jensen has asked about 10 times already what Chris wants with him, but Jared won’t give anything away.

Dinner is a success, Jensen’s food is fantastic and now Jared is privy to one of his boyfriend’s hidden talents. He’s so making Jensen cook more often, from now on. Both Chris and Steve praise Jensen on his cooking, and he blushes deeply. They talk about food and other random stuff until it’s time for dessert - a couple Ben & Jerry’s tubs Jared bought - and then, finally Chris brings up the reason why they came.

“So Jensen,” Chris says while putting down his spoon. “I wanted to wait until you were no longer a patient to approach you with this. As you’re aware, Steve and I have a band, and we’ve been looking for a lead singer for a long time. I don’t mind doing the singing, but we want someone great, with a good presence and an amazing voice. After I saw you singing at the party, I thought you might be what we are looking for. And after you sang with us, I was totally convinced. So I want to ask you if you’d like to be a part of our band?”

Jensen stares at both men with his mouth agape. “W-what? You want me to sing with you? For real? But I’ve never… I’m not professional or anything, I…”

“Jensen, you are an amazing singer!” Steve is the one who interrupts him. “Chris and I agree on that, you fit with us perfectly when you sang at New Year’s Eve, and we’re positive you are what’s been missing in our band.”

“We just want you to come to a rehearsal with us, Jensen.” Chris adds. “Besides, we only play at bars and the occasional party, we’re not going on the road or anything, you don’t have to quit your day job, we both have ours as you know. What do you say?”

Jensen seems a bit taken aback and he looks at Jared, searching for his opinion and his boyfriend shrugs.

“I love your voice, Jen, and I enjoyed watching you with the guys. I agree that you are a perfect fit for their band and I’ll be your number one fan. I say, give it a try.”

Jensen stares at Jared for a while and finally nods, turning to face Chris and Steve. “Fine. I’ll give a try, I’ll go to a rehearsal.”

The three men cheer and Chris and Steve make arrangements for their first rehearsal with Jensen, scheduling it for the following week. Jared feels proud of Jensen and he’s 100% sure this is just what he needs.

Once the guys have left and Jared has cleaned the table, Jensen seems nervous about the band thing, so he approaches him from behind and puts his arms around him, kissing his neck.

“You’re gonna be awesome, you know.”

Jensen takes Jared’s hand and brings it to his lips, kissing his knuckles. “I just don’t want to let the guys down, you know.”

“You won’t.” Jared squeezes Jensen’s tighter before letting him go and heading to their room. “Wait here.”

Jared rummages inside his closet and finds his guitar. He brings it to the living room and offers it to Jensen. “Wanna practice a bit?”

Jensen looks from the guitar to Jared. “You play?”

Jared shrugs. “A little. Never had real lessons or anything. I found an old guitar in my brother’s closet after he left for college, and I wanted to learn. So I bought some magazines and watched a few video tutorials and I guess I’m okay. I really like playing though. I wanted to learn ever since I saw you playing at the camp.” Jared adds in a quiet voice.

Jensen studies Jared quietly,nods, and then leads him to the couch, where they sit down. “Why don’t you sing me something?”

Jared hesitates for a second. “I’m nowhere near as good as you.”

Jensen reaches up and tucks a strand of Jared’s hair behind his ear. “I bet you’re just perfect. And I’d love nothing more than to hear you sing to me.”

And how could Jared say no, when he has played for Jensen ever since the first song so many years ago? Every time he imagined this moment, and finally--it’s here. He hesitantly places the guitar on his lap. He chooses a song where the lyrics hold a lot of meaning to him. He has played for Jensen so many times in theory, but this is the first time he’s actually gonna play _for him,_ for real.

He looks into Jensen’s beautiful eyes the entire time, he wants him to understand how much he means the words that come out of his mouth, even though he wasn’t the one who wrote them. He can see tears welling up in Jensen’s eyes, and when he feels something salty on his lips, he knows he’s crying too.

 _Lying here with you_  
_Listening to the rain_  
_Smiling just to see the smile upon your face_  
_These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive_  
_These are the moments, I'll remember all my life_  
_I found all I've waited for_  
_And I could not ask for more_  
_Looking in your eyes_  
_Seeing all I need_  
_Everything you are is everything to me_  
_These are the moments,I know heaven must exist_  
_These are the moments, I know all I need is this_  
_I have all I've waited for_  
_And I could not ask for more_

 _I could not ask for more than this time together_  
_I could not ask for more than this time with you_  
_Every prayer has been answered_  
_Every dream I have's come true_  
_And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be_  
_Here with you here with me_

When Jared finishes, they stay quiet for a while, until Jensen takes a closer look at the guitar.

“Can I take a look at it, Jay?” Jensen extends his hand, and Jared gives Jensen the instrument. Jensen stares at it in amazement.

“You know, my old guitar looked just like this one.” When Jensen turns it around though, he gasps, looking at Jared.

“Where did you get this guitar, Jared?”

Jared frowns. “I… I bought it at a thrift shop a few years back… Why?”

Jensen looks at him and slowly turns the guitar, showing Jared the back of the neck, and the initials carved there.

“This was my guitar, Jay.” Jensen simply says, his voice breaking.

Jared takes the guitar from Jensen’s hands and it takes a moment for him to comprehend what Jensen has just said. But when he pays attention to the initials, it dawns on him finally what Jensen is talking about, and he looks at him in disbelief.

“J.R.A. You… you are…”

“Jensen Ross Ackles. This guitar belonged to my grandpa, and he gave it to me. He carved my initials in it to make it special. I loved to play, I even played for money at first, but I needed money to… you know, and then I… sold it. It hurt so bad, Jay, but I was too out of it to care. I never thought I’d see my guitar again, and yet… of all people…”

Jensen doesn’t finish, and Jared fights back a big wave of emotion. “I wasn’t even gonna buy it, but it reminded me of yours… I always wondered who J.R.A. was and it was you and oh my God… oh my _God_.”

They stare at each other in awe, lost for words to express the meaning of this. And Jensen is the first to break the silence.

“So… I guess this settles it, we’re truly soulmates, huh?”

Jared chuckles, letting the tears run down his face. He considers the guitar for a while, and then gives it to Jensen.

“Here. It’s yours.”

Jensen raises both hands, backing down. “No Jay, you bought it, it’s your guitar now.”

But Jared shakes his head. “It’s my good luck present for your new beginning with the band. Plus, the guitar should stay with it’s rightful owner, who already belongs to me, so it’s all good.”

Jensen considers Jared for a while, as if checking to see if he really means what he says and finally ends up taking the guitar, bringing it to his lap and lightly runs his fingers through the strings. Jensen smiles gently down at the guitar in his hands and Jared’s heart warms up at the sight. He could not have made a better choice.

Both of them are getting ready for bed, when Jared enters the bedroom and finds Jensen in his usual spot on their bed, but he’s wearing only his boxers, and the sight makes Jared’s mouth salivate. Suddenly he wants _more_ , and for the first time in his life he feels ready to take that step.

Jensen picks up on the look of lust on Jared’s face, so he smirks at him and makes a gesture with his finger, inviting Jared to join him. Jared slowly walks to the bed, his eyes never leaving Jensen’s body as he kneels on the bed and straddles Jensen’s thighs, leaning down to kiss him passionately. Jared runs both hands up and down Jensen’s torso, rubbing at his nipples and he feels his cock getting hard as a rock. Jared places kisses down his neck as Jensen puts both of his hands on Jared’s hips.

“J-jay…” Jensen starts, but Jared shushes him with his teeth at his collarbone, sucking at the sensitive skin that stretches there beautifully.

“Shh… I wanna make you feel good, Jen.” Jared whispers against Jensen’s skin, as he trails down, sucking at one nipple and then moving on to the other one, causing Jensen to whimper. Jared smiles as he continues further down, licking and kissing Jensen’s happy trail, until he arrives at the bulge inside his boxers. Jared stares at it for a moment, and up at Jensen’s face, who raises an eyebrow at him, as if he’s daring Jared.

Jared slowly grabs the hem of Jensen’s boxers and slides it down off of his hips, freeing his hard cock. Jared seems hypnotized by it, and he licks his lips, as if trying to decide what to do.

“God, Jay...” Jensen moans. “Stop making that face or I’ll come untouched.”

Jared blushes and looks up. “I want to… but I’ve never done this before, I don’t know how to…”

Jensen reaches up and caresses Jared’s hair. “Do anything you want to do Jay… whatever you feel like. But please, do it fast.”

Jared chuckles and slowly takes Jensen’s cock in his hand. He runs his thumb up and down and it feels so good, but it’s not enough. Jared braces himself with a hand on the mattress as he leans down and takes Jensen’s cock in his mouth. He has never done it before, and it feels a bit weird, but it’s a _good_ weird. Jared holds the base of Jensen’s cock as he licks the tip, sucking at the mushroom head. Jensen is babbling incoherent words as he holds his breath and squeezes his eyes closed.

Jared tries licking down the shaft, he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, he has only watched it in pornos, so he’s hoping he’s doing a decent job. From the look on Jensen’s face, he thinks he is. Jensen’s cock is leaking precome, and Jared tentatively wraps his lips around it. It tastes salty and damn good. Jared’s own dick is aching, he’s so hard he could cut diamonds, but he’ll worry about it later.

Jensen is panting, his breath getting heavier, and Jared swallows him deeper. When the tip of Jensen’s cock hits the back of his throat, he gags and comes back up a bit. Jensen places a gentle hand on Jared’s face.

“Easy, my boy… you’re doing so good…”

Jared starts bobbing his head up and down, it’s sloppy and Jared knows he has drool on his chin but he doesn’t care. And suddenly Jensen is pulling at Jared’s hair, trying to warn him, but Jared only sucks harder, making Jensen come hard. Hot streams of come hit the back of Jared’s throat, and he swallows it greedily. It’s not the best taste in the world, but it’s not bad either. Plus, it’s Jensen. Jared sucks his dick until it’s soft, and as he lets it go, Jensen grabs him and brings Jared up, placing a full kiss on his lips. Jared tries to get away, he has come in his mouth, but Jensen doesn’t seem to mind one bit, as he licks the insides of Jared’s mouth with no hesitation.

Without breaking the kiss, Jensen reaches down between them and puts his hand inside Jared’s boxers, pulling his cock free. With the first touch of Jensen’s fingers, Jared has to fight with all he has not to come right there. Jensen lazily strokes his cock up and down, while Jared pants into Jensen’s mouth. When Jensen licks Jared’s lower lip and bites it, giving his dick a final squeeze, Jared is done. He comes on Jensen’s hand and their bellies. Jensen strokes him until he’s soft, and Jared collapses against Jensen’s chest. Jared thinks back to all those nights he has touched himself thinking about Jensen, and having Jensen’s own hands on him… Jared buries his face against Jensen’s chest, trying to hide his deep emotions, but apparently Jensen feels it, and holds Jared closer.

He knows he should get up and grab a washcloth to clean them both, but he feels so sated and lazy, he doesn’t have the energy to do anything, and apparently neither does Jensen. They can clean up in the morning. For now, he just wants to be as close to Jensen as possible, even a short walk to the bathroom, would be too much.

Besides, Jared is in his most favorite place, in the whole wide world.


	15. Chapter 15

It’s Saturday morning and Jared and Jensen are cleaning the apartment. Jensen insisted they cleaned it because according to him, the place is becoming a dangerous place to live. Jared complained at first, but when Jensen had asked when was the last time Chad and him had really cleaned the place, Jared didn't have a good answer.

Jared is busy vacuuming the living room, while Jensen cleans up the kitchen, when the doorbell rings. Jared turns off the vacuum cleaner and wipes his hands on his shorts, heading to the door. When he opens it and see who’s at their doorstep, his heart stops for a few moments.

“Mom? Dad? Meg?” Jared’s eyes are almost popping out of their sockets, his mouth goes instantly dry from the sight of his family in front of him. _Shit_.

“Hey J.T.! How are you baby?” Jared’s mom steps inside and throws her arms around a perplexed Jared, and he awkwardly pats her back in return.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, after giving his father and sister quick hugs as well.

His mother gasps. “Well, since you didn’t come home for the holidays, we had to come see for ourselves how you’re getting along.”

The three of them push inside the apartment without Jared welcoming them in, and he’s getting more desperate by the second. “But... you should have called first, I…”

“Jay, who’s at the door... oh.” Jensen comes in the living room and when he sees the three people, he instantly knows who they are since Jared had shown him pictures of his family.

Sherri looks from Jensen to Jared with a deep frown, obviously wondering why an unfamiliar guy is in Jared’s apartment with only his shorts and an old tee on.

“J.T., who is this? Where’s Chad?”

Jared steps away from his mother and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. He has a decision to make, and he needs to make it fast. He opens his eyes and looks from his family to Jensen, and he knows he only has one option.

“Jay, I can leave if you want…” Jensen starts in a small voice, clearly at a loss of what to do, but Jared holds up a finger.

“No.” With a quick glance to his family, Jared walks towards Jensen, gathering up all the courage he doesn’t really have and grabs Jensen’s hand, looking up at his family.

“This is Jensen. He’s my boyfriend.”

The room falls silent, three breaths are held at the same time and three pairs of eyes stare at them in shock. As Jared waits for someone to say something, Jensen squeezes his hand tighter, giving him comfort and Jared is so grateful for that.

Jared’s father is the first one to find his voice. “Jared Tristan, stop with the jokes.”

For the first time, Jared doesn’t feel intimidated as he raises an eyebrow at his father. “I’ve never been more serious in my life.” He deliberately laces his fingers with Jensen’s, making sure his whole family sees the gesture. “This is Jensen Ackles. He’s my boyfriend. And he lives here, with me.”

“NO, JARED!” This time it’s his mother who steps forward, pointing a finger at him. “You promised me you would never mention this again! I told you it was only a phase!”

Gerry turns towards Sherri, anger and shock on his reddening face. “You knew about this?” He says in a low whisper.

Before his mother can answer, Jensen tugs at Jared’s hand, turns to him and says in a quiet voice. “Jay, I think I’ll go to the bedroom. You guys need to talk about this alone.” Jared starts to protest, but Jensen holds up a hand to him. “No, Jay. It’s your family, and you need to do this. If you need me, I’ll be right next door, okay?” He gives Jared’s hand a quick kiss and walks towards their bedroom, not sparing anyone a glance.

When the door closes behind Jensen, Sherri turns to Jared, a horrified expression on her face.

“Did that… _man_ say you two share a room?? I hope I misunderstood something here.”

Jared straightens up to his full height, he has decided he’s facing his family, and if they aren’t accepting his relationship with Jensen, it’s their problem.

“There are no misunderstandings here, mom. Jensen is my boyfriend and he lives with me. It’s only natural we share a room. I don’t see how you would expect anything else.”

As Sherri stares at him with her mouth agape, his father turns to her and repeats his question. “Did you. _Know_. About this?”

Sherri slowly turns to Gerri, with fear in her eyes. “Jared came to me once.” She says, her voice barely a whisper. “He said he thought he liked a boy. I told him that it was a sin, it was wrong! I said it was only a phase, that he would meet a girl someday and get married. I asked him never to mention it again, specially to you, because I knew you would be mad at him for something so silly, and that it would pass.”

Jared feels tears burning behind his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall. He swallows them down and faces both his mom and dad. Megan is quietly sitting in the corner, clearly wanting out of the conversation, so he doesn’t acknowledge her. It’s the moment of truth.

“You know who that boy was mom? It was Jensen. I met Jensen when I was only eleven years old, and I fell in love with him. I didn’t understand what I was feeling back then, and I felt so lost. First, I asked Jeff, and then I asked you. Both of you told me I was a sinner, _a freak_ , that what I was feeling was wrong and that I would go to hell because of it. You told me it was a phase. Do you have a single clue how hard that was for me? To grow up thinking I was committing a sin, and having absolutely nobody to talk to? Because I was afraid if I came to anyone else with this, they’d say the same thing you did.”

Jared takes a breath.

“I felt so alone, all the time growing up. I knew I felt something, and that I had to deal with it all by myself. I had to sit at the table and listen to you people ramble on about how gay people were sinners and immoral. How they were on a much lower level than you, and do you have any clue how I felt listening to this? Knowing I was one of those people and that you would never accept me if you knew the truth? How I had to hide for all those years? Do you know why I decided to come to Dallas instead of staying in Austin? Because I wanted to get away from you. I couldn’t stand living in that house anymore, having to be someone I wasn’t.”

Jared looks at his parents and keeps talking.

“I came here and I still felt ashamed of being myself, until I found Jensen again. He showed me that there’s nothing to be ashamed of, that I can be myself, and I have finally found happiness in him. He’s my boyfriend, I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have him, and I will _never_ be ashamed or feel like a sinner ever again. I don’t care what you guys think, Jensen is it for me, whether you accept it or not.”

Jared finishes and lets out a deep breath, as his mom and dad take everything in.

“Have you lost your mind, Jared?” His mother begins after a while. “You’re choosing that man over us? That’s what you’re saying?”

Jared tilts his head back and looks up at the ceiling, praying for patience.

“God, are you listening to yourself, mom? First, _that man_ has a name, and it’s Jensen. And second, I’m not choosing anyone, you are the ones who think I need to choose in the first place. You think I’m a sinner and apparently you can’t accept my love for Jensen. That sucks, and I really wish you did. Because I don’t see how a love so strong and pure, something that makes me so happy, can be wrong. Apparently my brain doesn’t work like yours. If you accepted this, accepted me, then I wouldn’t have to choose anyone.”

Jared waits a beat, hoping he’s getting his point across.

“You can still be a part of my life, and we can all be a family. But the thing is, I will not give up on the love of my life only because you can’t accept it. It’s my life, not yours. It’s not your story to accept, it’s mine. I made peace with who I am a long time ago, and I wish you’d do the same. But by the look on your faces this is impossible, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Unfortunately, I can’t change your minds, and you definitely won’t change mine. If you don’t think you can have a gay son, then you are the ones choosing here. You can either accept to have a gay son, or no son at all. If your mind is made up then I’m sorry but the door is over there. I’m not gonna hide who I am anymore, I’ve done that enough already. You may have given birth to me mom… but Jensen gave me life.”

“This is wrong, Jared!” His mother says with tears in her eyes. “We are your family, we know what’s best for you! That’s because we love you, and God doesn’t approve, _this_ , this is…”

“Stop.” Jared holds up a hand and his voice leaves no room for arguing. “You only think you know what’s best for me, because you are too narrow-minded to see beyond that. And also, I don’t believe God hates me as much as you think. If He did, He wouldn’t have answered my prayers and brought Jensen back into my life again. You are my mom and dad and I will respect you, but I won’t do as you say. I have friends who truly accept and love me for who I am, they make me feel like family, way more than you.” Jared walks past them and opens the door wide. “If you have nothing else to say, then I think it’s time for you to go. We have no more to talk about, this is Jensen’s and my place now, and we don’t want people here who hate who we are. So please, just leave.”

Sherri looks at Jared with pleading eyes. “J.T. please… you don’t need to do this.”

Jared looks at some point behind her head. “Can you accept me with Jensen?”

Sherri doesn’t answer. Jared opens the door wider, and Gerry grabs his wife’s arm and takes her outside, yelling for Megan, who hasn’t said a single word, to follow. Before leaving, Megan gives Jared a look he can’t decipher, but he’s too out of it to care now. He slams the door behind his family and finally gives into the emotion and lets the tears fall freely. He leans with his back against the door and slowly slides down, sitting on the floor and hugging his knees close to his chest.

Jared buries his face in his arms and sobs, rocking back and forth, until he feels strong arms holding him tight. Jared lets Jensen hold him and pat his hair, whispering assurances in his ear. He doesn’t have a clue what Jensen is saying, but he needs to hear his voice. Jared slowly wraps his arms around Jensen, crying on his shoulder.

“Why can’t they accept who I am, Jen? I am not a sinner, but they think I am. Why can’t they see it??” Jared manages to get out between sobs.

Jensen breaks the hug just enough to look at Jared’s face, framing it with it with both hands. “They don’t know anything, Jay. They don’t understand how wrong they are. It was a shock to them, but I’m sure given time, they will see the light.”

“What if they don’t?” Jared asks in a broken voice.

“Then I’ll be your family. For as long as you’ll have me. And I am so fucking proud of you.”

Jared leans down and rests his head in Jensen’s lap, as his boyfriend caresses his hair and places a gentle kiss on his temple.

Jensen already is his family.

Next Wednesday night finds Jensen at the rehearsal with Chris and Steve, while Jared stays home alone. The last few days after the fight with his family haven’t been exactly easy, but he’s dealing with it. Jensen had taken care of Jared after they were gone, and Jared had asked if they could go to the bar with his friends, which Jensen promptly organized.

Jared had drank way more than he was used to that night and sadly told his friends what had happened. Chad wanted to drive to Austin right away and have a little chat with Jared’s folks. Everyone was really supportive, and for that Jared was deeply grateful. Jared ended up more than a little tipsy, and a drunk Jared was a touchy Jared, even more than usual. Jensen didn’t drink since he’s a recovering addict, so it was up to him to get Jared safely home. He had managed to do just that, but the second the door closed behind them, Jared was all over him and they ended up giving each other hand jobs and heavily making out on the couch until Jared passed out and Jensen had to drag him to bed.

Jared was left with a hangover the next day and still had a lot on his mind. A few days passed and he was still constantly stressing about the fallout with his family, and how he pretty much had no family anymore. His parents hated him, Megan didn’t say anything but he was positive she felt the same and her mother had probably told Jeff as well, and Jared was actually surprised his brother still hadn’t tried to called him just to tell him he’s a sinner.

But Jared is dealing with it. He tells himself over and over (and Jensen tells him too), that he’s not the one who’s wrong. What’s wrong is his family’s attitude towards him, their homophobic views, and they are the ones who have to change, not him.

And now Jensen is at his first rehearsal and Jared is alone. Jensen had invited him to go along, but Jared had refused. It was something special for Jensen himself, something for him to do with his buddies (or he at least hoped they would become that to Jensen), and besides, Jared wanted to be surprised at their first gig. “Raising Kane” is playing at Fitzsimons on Saturday night, and if all goes well at the rehearsal, Jensen will be singing a few songs with them. And Jared cannot wait for that, he is so excited.

He’s making something for dinner and is planning on watching Prison Break, when his phone beeps with a text message. He flips it open and is surprised to see it’s a message from Megan. Waiting to see a repetition of his folks’ words, Jared takes a breath and opens the message.

_“Hey bro… look, I want you to know I don’t agree with mom and dad. You should love whoever it is you love and I want you to be happy. I still love you the same, kay?”_

Jared reads the text about 10 times and he’s tearing up with relief. He can’t believe he has his sister on his side and she doesn’t hate him. It’s way more than he could ask for. So after finishing putting a quick dinner together, Jared grabs his plate and heads to the living room, sits on the couch with his food on his lap, and dials his sister’s number. They talk for hours, Megan asks Jared about Jensen and he tells her their story, making her very emotional hearing what they’ve went through. Jared also asks about her life and it’s good to hear her voice, and have her support. When he hangs up, Jared is feeling much lighter, at least he hasn’t lost his whole family. There’s still hope.

Saturday comes and with it, Jensen’s first gig with Raising Kane. He had come home after the rehearsal looking really happy and satisfied and Jared was beyond thrilled himself because of it. It was like Jensen had finally found his place. He had excitedly shared with Jared how great the rehearsal was and how cool Chris and Steve were, how the music came naturally when Jensen took over the mic.

When Jared wakes up on Saturday morning, Jensen is already up setting up breakfast and singing to himself, and Jared can’t help but grin. He can tell Jensen is anxious, he is too, but he knows his boyfriend will rock, literally. The main reason Jensen is making breakfast, is because Valentine’s Day was on Wednesday and they couldn’t celebrate, so they had decided to have their own celebration on Saturday. It is a special day for them, their first Valentine’s Day together, and Jared has his own ideas on how to make it unforgettable.

Jensen is off to Fitzsimons in the middle of the afternoon, since he’s supposed to go earlier to rehearse with the guys. Jared is only going in the evening with his friends, so he takes the afternoon to get supplies for the private celebration he plans on having with Jensen after the gig.

Jared heads to Fitzsimons early with Chad and Sophia, and manages to get the table closest to the stage, he really wants to be as close to Jensen as possible. Soon, Danni and Milo arrive and join them. Jared is feeling nervous on Jensen’s behalf, it was agreed with the band that he would come up to sing just a few songs, so he could feel the vibe of a real gig, and see how he feels about performing.

When Raising Kane finally come up on stage, it’s only Chris and Steve at first, and they sing a few songs before taking a break.

“Good evening, folks! Thanks for joining us this evening, and we have a surprise for you! Tonight we are introducing the new lead singer of our band. He’s our missing piece and I want everyone to give him a warm welcome. Put your hands together for Jensen Ackles!”

Jared shoots to his feet and claps and whistles as a shy Jensen walks on the stage. He looks scorching hot with the clothes Jared helped pick out. Worn, faded jeans that Jensen had owned for years - a designer couldn’t have done a better job with them - a simple white t-shirt with a black and blue plaid shirt on top of it, unbuttoned (since it’s too small for Jensen now that he’s gaining weight again) and with the sleeves rolled up. He has a brand new belt around his waist that Jared gave him for Valentine’s day, so he could wear it until Jared’s arms could take its place. His hair is spiked up with gel and his cheeks are pink because he’s nervous, and damn, he is so fucking hot. Jared is drooling as Jensen stands in front of the mic and says a quiet “hello”. Jensen’s gaze travels around the bar and finally stops on Jared, almost in front of him. Jared sends him a thumbs up with a goofy smile on his face, dimples popping, and Jensen visibly relaxes.

He quickly thanks the crowd, and the band, and gives Jared a smile and a wink. The boys start playing the first chords to _Sweet Home Alabama_ and a change starts in Jensen. His posture improves, he stands tall and confident as he grabs the mic and starts singing. Jared can’t take his eyes off of him as he sings one song after the other, and he knows for sure he’s not the only one hypnotized by Jensen. It’s like his boyfriend is at home, the words roll naturally from his tongue and Jensen looks _powerful_.

When they sing their last song and start saying their goodbyes, everyone starts to protest and hoot, demanding more, and Jared is the one booing loudest. Jensen whispers something to Chris and Steve, and the boys start playing again. Jared recognizes _Dream On,_ and he feels his heart warm up when a blissful Jensen starts singing.

 _Every time that I look in the mirror_  
_All these lines on my face getting clearer_  
_The past is gone_  
_It went by like dusk to dawn_  
_Isn't that the way_  
_Everybody's got their dues in life to pay_

Jensen is pouring his whole heart into the song, and he makes eye contact with Jared often while he sings it, and Jared knows very well the meaning behind those words and why Jensen has chosen this song.

 _Yeah, I know nobody knows_  
_Where it comes and where it goes_  
_I know it's everybody's sin_  
_You got to lose to know how to win_  
  
_Half my life's in books' written pages_  
_Live and learn from fools and from sages_  
_You know it's true_  
_All the things you do come back to you_

By the time Jensen reaches the chorus everyone is standing up and singing with him, screaming in joy, the whole bar hypnotized by Jensen. Jared himself is transfixed, he always knew Jensen was awesome but this… he has no words to describe.

 _Sing with me, sing for the years_  
_Sing for the laughter and sing for the tears_  
_Sing with me, if it's just for today_  
_Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away_

 _Dream on, dream on, dream on_  
_And dream until your dream comes true_

The band leaves the stage to thunderous applause, Jared himself is clapping, stomping and yelling like a maniac. The gig is a tremendous success and Jared has no doubt in his mind that Jensen is now Raising Kane’s official lead singer and he’s so proud of him he could burst. About twenty minutes later, the boys join Jared and his friends at the table, and when Jensen arrives, Jared greets him with a long kiss on the lips and a tight hug. Jensen is vibrating with excitement and Jared shares his happiness.

They all spend a great night together celebrating the success of the gig, a lot of people come and talk to Jensen and the boys, and by the time they call it a night, Jared is feeling tired but deeply satisfied, and he can feel the same from Jensen. They walk back home holding hands and sharing looks and smiles, and Jared wishes the walk was shorter.

When they enter the apartment and Jensen closes the door behind them, Jared presses his boyfriend against it and frames his face with his big hands, staring into his eyes.

“God, I can’t say enough times how amazing you were, Jen! You were just perfect and you’re so talented, hot and oh so sexy.”

Jensen chuckles while placing his two hands on Jared’s hips. “So you think I’m sexy, huh?”

“Are you kidding? Everyone in that room had their eyes on you, but I feel sorry for them, you know why?” Jared leans over to plant a soft kiss on Jensen’s neck. “Because you get to go home with me.”

Jensen gives him the sexiest smile, as Jared saunters away from him heading towards the kitchen, where he takes a bottle of alcohol-free cider from the fridge and pours them two glasses, returning to where Jensen is waiting and handing him one.

“Here’s to your success and our first valentine’s day together. Here’s to more of them, for the rest of our lives.” Jared clinks his glass with Jensen’s and they both take a sip, never taking their eyes off each other. When they are finished, both men put down their empty glasses on the coffee table, and Jared takes Jensen by the hand, walking him to the bedroom and closing the door behind them.

Jared turns around to face Jensen. “I have a valentine’s day present for us.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow, and after placing a chaste kiss on Jensen’s lips, Jared walks to the nightstand, opening the drawer and taking out a small bottle of lube and a pack of condoms. He takes a deep breath and slowly turns around, showing the items to Jensen, feeling the blush on his cheeks as Jensen’s eyes widen.

“Jay, I…” Jensen starts, closing the distance between them and taking the items from Jared’s hands, looks up to face his boyfriend. “Are you sure about this? We can wait if you aren’t ready.”

Jared shakes his head. “I’ve thought a lot about this, and it’s time. You are the only person I’ve ever loved, and the only one I trust to do this with. The only person I _want_ to do this with. I know it sounds cheesy, but…” Jared looks down for a moment, before looking Jensen in the eyes again. “I want you to make love to me, Jen.”


	16. Chapter 16

Jensen stares into Jared’s eyes for a long time, as if looking for a confirmation this is what he really wants. But when Jared looks back at him with nothing but quiet resolve, Jensen gives him a small smile and throws the items onto the bed. Jared’s heart is beating fast in his chest, he’s feeling nervous, but he wants this so much. Jensen steps even closer to him and slowly runs the back of his hand down Jared’s face, their eyes never leaving each other, Jared is sure that this is the right time.

Jensen grabs the hem of Jared’s t-shirt and slowly pulls it up and over his head, running his hands down his smooth, golden torso. Jared feels exposed all of a sudden, so he removes Jensen’s plaid shirt and tee, letting both fall to the floor. They take a moment to just look at each other, Jared’s breath is becoming heavier, and Jensen places a hand over his heart. He can surely feel how strong it’s beating, just for him--always for him. Jensen leans over, with his hands on Jared’s hips, and places a soft kiss on his collarbone, going up his long neck and moving across his jaw, until he finally meets Jared’s mouth. He moves one hand up and grabs the back of Jared’s neck, kissing him passionately, licking his bottom lip for entrance and exploring his mouth with all that he has.

Without breaking the kiss, Jensen walks Jared backwards towards their bed until the back of his knees hit the mattress, making him fall onto it as Jensen looks down at him. He gently pushes Jared’s shoulder, quietly instructing him to lie down. Jared braces himself on his elbows, and continues to watch Jensen.

After removing both their shoes, Jensen climbs on top of Jared, touching their foreheads together and looking deeply into his beautiful, hazel eyes.

“Hi.” He whispers, his warm breath invading Jared’s mouth, and god, he loves Jensen so much. Jensen runs his hands over the sheer breadth of Jared’s body and showers it with kisses as he goes. Jared tries desperately to fight the emotion that bubbles up in the back of his throat. His mind goes back 12 years, and everything that has happened since. The first time he laid eyes on Jensen, and how he had no idea that the boy with blue hair would change his life forever.

Jensen unbuttons Jared’s jeans and slowly takes them off, revealing his dark briefs and the shape of his hard cock inside of them. Jensen runs a thumb over the head, making Jared gasp. He quickly helps Jensen out of his old jeans, and Jensen pushes his hips down, grinding his own erection on Jared’s, and Jared will never get over how incredible that feels.

Jensen grabs the waistband of Jared’s briefs, yanking them down and releasing his aching cock. As his boyfriend leans down and takes him inside his mouth, Jared pants hard, the feel of Jensen’s hot mouth around him, too much for him to handle. Every moment he’s had with Jensen after finding him again, has been incredible. Jared knows it won’t always been easy, they’re in for a bumpy ride, but it’s worth it. Jensen sucks the tip of his cock, and licks the underside of his shaft, making Jared fight hard not to come so soon. It’s incredible how Jensen makes him feel, even before he knew Jensen was Jack. From the very first time Jared laid eyes on him, he knew Jensen was special. And even if his eyes didn’t know who he truly was, his heart always knew.

Jared comes with Jensen’s mouth around him, and his name falling from his lips. Jensen swallows the last drop, and as Jared watches him, he can’t help but feel how intimate and meaningful it is. Jared brings Jensen up and tentatively kiss his mouth, tasting himself and it should be weird, but it isn’t--it actually tastes nice because it’s just them. Him and Jensen, combined.

Jensen reaches out and grabs the bottle of lube, looking into Jared’s eyes once more.

“Jay, are you sure? We can wait.” His voice is husky and his pupils are dilated with lust, but he looks concerned.

“I’m sure, Jen.” Jared runs his hand through Jensen’s hair, giving him a smile.

“It’s gonna hurt, love. I don’t want to hurt you, but it’s your first time, so…”

Jared cuts him off with a chaste kiss. “I know. But I’m ready for it. Jensen, I’ve been ready for it my whole life. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to do this but you.”

Jensen kisses Jared’s flushed temple, and opens the lube, coating his fingers and slowly circling Jared’s entrance. It’s cold at first, and it feels weird to be touched there by someone else, but as Jensen’s fingers warm up, it gets better. Jensen slowly inserts a finger inside him, and Jared wills himself to relax at the intrusion. What he said was true. He has never wanted to do this with anyone else, boy or girl. Every time Jared imagined his first time, it was Jensen who was with him. He couldn’t see himself sharing this moment with anyone else, but at the same time, he never thought he would have the chance to have this with Jensen.

As his boyfriend inserts another finger and scissors them inside him, Jared can’t help but feel blessed. Against all odds, Jared got Jensen back and what is even more amazing, Jensen loves him back.

“God Jensen, just do it please.” Jared pants, his flaccid cock giving signs of life again, but Jensen shushes him with a kiss.

“Have patience, my boy. As I said, it’s gonna burn, I need to get you as ready as I can so it will hurt a little less.”

Jensen inserts a third finger and works Jared as open as possible, and Jared feels he can’t take it anymore, like it’s taking forever and he just needs to feel Jensen inside him. Finally, after what seems like ages, his boyfriend is apparently satisfied with the prep job and removes his fingers, wiping them on the sheet and grabbing the foil packet. As he takes the condom out and puts it on his hard cock, coating it with a lot of lube, he looks at Jared again, asking one final time if he’s okay with it. Jared doesn’t answer, he only nods, slowly.

Jensen studies him for a moment, and finally nods back. He grabs one of Jared’s legs and places it over his shoulder, pulling the other around his waist. Jensen lines himself with Jared’s entrance, touching his hole with the tip of his cock, his eyes never leaving Jared’s face, looking for any signs of discomfort, but Jared encourages him to do it.

Jensen starts to enter Jared very slowly, and yes, it hurts, in fact, it hurts a lot. Jensen stops, to give Jared time to adjust, and he takes several deep breaths. He nods, motioning for Jensen to continue. Jensen places small kisses to Jared’s calf which is resting on his shoulder. As he bottoms out, Jensen stays completely still, waiting for Jared to adjust.

It really hurts, Jared closes his eyes shut and breaths through his mouth, trying to get his body to relax, but it’s hard. Then, he listens to Jensen’s quiet voice talking to him.

“Look at me, Jay… just breath and look at me. I’ve got you, my boy. Open your eyes.”

Jared forces his eyes to open, and he’s met with Jensen’s own staring back at him, inches away from his face. Jensen leans down and places a long kiss on Jared’s mouth as he whispers ‘I’ve got you’ over and over.

Jensen breaks the kiss and looks at Jared, who tentatively nods. Jensen finally moves, very slowly, thrusting gently in and out, and when Jensen changes the angle and hits a spot inside of Jared, his hips buckle up and he sees stars. Jensen does it again and again, and the pleasure he sudden feels overpowers the pain he was feeling, and as his body fully adjusts, he finds that it feels simply amazing. As Jensen and him become one, Jared feels so thankful. He has prayed so many nights for Jensen, for this, and God answered him. A tear escapes his eye as Jensen grabs Jared’s once again hard cock and strokes it along with his thrusts, and god, Jared is so lucky. He doesn’t understand how his family can condemn such a powerful love, how they can be against his happiness, when all he wants in his life is this. Jared doesn’t need anything else as long as he has Jensen, and this is the happiest he has ever been.

Jared comes again, spurting all over Jensen’s hand, and after a final thrust, Jensen comes too, buried deep inside Jared, yelling his name. Jensen collapses on top of Jared, and they stay entwined, Jensen’s limp cock still inside Jared. Jared hugs Jensen close to him, he doesn’t wanna move, ever again. Jensen murmurs ‘I love you’ against his neck, and he can only hug him tighter, the lump in his throat preventing him from replying.

They are both sticky, sweaty, and smelly, but Jared doesn’t care. He knows, more than ever, that he won’t feel ashamed again, people can accept them or not, but the only thing he knows for sure, is that this is it for him. Jensen is his home, his happiness, he is fortunate enough to get him back in his life after so long, and he won’t take it for granted. He feels sleep dragging him under, Jensen is already breathing rhythmically against him, his eyes closed, and before Jared succumbs, he sends up a silent prayer, as he has every night since he learned who Jensen is, thanking the man up there for giving him his very own miracle.

On Jensen’s birthday, Rising Kane has a gig at Fitzsimons. The boys have played there a few times over the past few weeks, and each time, they were a success. Jensen is now part of the entire thing, from beginning to end, officially taking over the position of lead singer. Jensen has found something he’s really passionate about, and he’s so glad for having this opportunity. Plus, he gets some money out of it, and with that, added to what he makes at the coffee shop, he’s able to share the bills with Jared and that makes Jensen very relieved.

He can’t believe the turns his life has taken ever since that fateful night he mugged Jared. If a few months ago someone had told him he’d be the lead singer of a band, living with his boyfriend, with a stable job and clean not too long after, he’d say that person was snorting the wrong kind of crank. But now here he is, and he has Jared to thank for all of this. It’s still not easy, Jensen still craves the drug more often than not and has to fight it, sometimes pretty hard, but when he looks at Jared, when he hears his boyfriend’s laughter and kisses him, or just watches him sleep, he knows it’s worth it. Sometimes he even has to pinch himself to see if it isn’t all just a dream, because in his fucked up life, it seems too good to be true. It still amazes him that Jared is in fact J.T., that little boy who changed him, and against all odds he found him again. Jensen truly believes in destiny now, and that everything that happened in his life led him to Jared, and to be honest, he’d go through it all again, if it meant Jared would be at the end of the tunnel. It would be worth it, no matter what.

Tonight, they are playing an acoustic set for the first time. Jensen has his old familiar guitar and he’s sitting on a stool in the middle of the stage, flanked by Chris and Steve. Everyone’s there tonight, Jared right in front of the stage along with their friends (because they are Jensen’s friends now too), and even some old buddies from the clinic, who were also patients and released around the same time as Jensen. They usually meet at the Narcotics Anonymous meetings, where they manage to stay in touch.

It’s a good gig, they play some classic tunes and even one of Kane’s original songs that Jensen is slowly learning. In the end, Chris makes everyone sing Happy Birthday to Jensen, who can’t help the grin that spreads across his face, especially after noticing Jared is the one singing the loudest.

When they arrive at the table, Jared has a chocolate cupcake with a small candle on top, and welcomes him with a kiss. They all sing to him again, and Jensen thanks them all while blowing out the candle. As they all take their seats again, Jensen excuses himself to go to the bar to get himself a Coke and a drink for Chris.

As he waits for the bartender to get his order ready, someone behind him calls his name.

“Jensen? Is that really you?”

Jensen turns around and is met with a face he hasn’t seen for years. He looks older now, but he’s still very recognizable.

“Stephen?” Jensen says with surprise, but he can’t hide the hint of wariness in his voice.

Stephen gives Jensen a once over and a smirk that makes Jensen cringe internally.

“Well, well, look who’s here. The long lost Ackles has returned from the dead.”

Stephen words aren’t amicable at all, and Jensen immediately feels uncomfortable. Stephen Amell is Jensen’s cousin, his father is Stephen’s mother’s brother. They never really got along. Stephen was always a mean person, ever since he was a little kid. He wasn’t likeable, he always treated others like shit and their parents always granted all his wishes and pampered him all the time. Jensen’s parents always loved Stephen, but behind their back he wasn’t nice to Jensen, so he would avoid him at all costs.

When they became teens, Stephen started hanging out with the wrong kind of guys, they would do drugs, steal and harass people. His parents would always turn a blind eye to what he did, or would even bail him out when needed, so Stephen never knew limits and always believed he could do anything he wanted, consequences be damned. Jensen doesn’t know what happened to Stephen after he moved to Tulsa, since he hasn’t seen or heard from his cousin since, but he can see from his cocky attitude that he hasn’t changed much.

Jensen clears his throat so he can give him an answer. “Yeah, you know me… I’m full of surprises.”

Stephen raises an eyebrow at him, at the same time the bartender places his drinks on the bar. “You know, I’ve heard the family thinks you’re dead in some alley out there. I believed the same thing, until tonight. This is a surprise for sure.”

Jensen grabs his drinks, and before he has a chance to leave, he feels a solid presence next to him, and he doesn’t need to look to know it’s Jared. His boyfriend places an arm around his shoulders and Jensen relaxes a fraction.

“What’s going on here?” Jared asks in a low voice, and Jensen instantly knows he has picked up on Jensen’s tension.

Jensen manages to give him a small smile and points his head towards Stephen. “This is... hm… my cousin. Stephen Amell.”

Jared looks at the other man with wide eyes, clearly impressed with meeting a member of Jensen’s family.

“Well, nice to meet you.” Jared tries to sound friendly, but Jensen knows better.

Stephen just raises an eyebrow at him. “And you are?”

Jared smirks and brings Jensen closer to him. “I’m Jared. Jensen’s boyfriend.” Jensen hears the pride in Jared’s words and can’t help but feel warm all over. But Stephen’s next words instantly make him cold again.

“You’re kidding, right?”

Jensen frowns, feeling really uneasy. “No, he’s not kidding. I am Jared’s boyfriend indeed, as in we are a couple.”

Stephen looks from one man to the other, a look of incredulity on his face, and shakes his head vigorously.

“No, no, no, no, no! You were not a fag Jensen, you can’t possibly be…. _dating_ a dude, no! This is disgusting Jensen, is that why you ran away?? Because you like to take it up the ass?? No wonder your family is so ashamed of you or why they won’t even say your name!”

Stephen’s voice is getting louder by the time he finishes and Jensen senses that this is going to turn ugly. He positions himself between Stephen and Jared, since the look his cousin is giving his boyfriend, is nothing short of dangerous. From the corner of his eye Jensen can see Chris and Chad approaching them, probably having noticed something not right, and Jensen focuses on answering his cousin.

“Look dude, you can say whatever you want. The truth is, I am a fag, I’m gay to give it a better term. That is in fact why I ran away, but I’m definitely not ashamed of it anymore. And honestly, I don’t give a single fuck as to how you feel about it, since I don’t see how it’s any of your business who I choose to date.”

As Stephen takes in Jensen’s words, his face changes into an angry mask, and before Jensen can say anything else, the other man lunges forward, and as Jensen instinctively pushes Jared away, Chris and Chad both grab Stephen before he can manage to get to Jensen. And as Stephen tries to break free from the strong arms holding him, he yells at Jensen and Jared with venom in his voice.

“You are a FREAK, Jensen! You both are, you and that man! You are a disgrace to your family, you are fucking disgusting! You should have died instead of turning into this, I’m sure your folks would agree with me!”

Chris mutters ‘that’s it’ and both of them start forcibly dragging Stephen out of the bar, he is still shouting and the pure hate in his eyes has Jensen seriously scared. “You are a shame to your family, Ackles! But you won’t get away with it, you’ll learn your lesson!”

Chris and Chad manage to get Stephen away from them as he keeps yelling, and by that point most eyes are on them. Jensen is glued to the spot, in shock with what just happened and the not so subtle threat in Stephen’s words. He feels Jared’s hand on his shoulder and he instantly turns to his boyfriend, gratefully accepting his arms around his body.

“It’s okay, Jen” Jared whispers on his ear. “That dude is crazy, I think he’s secretly jealous of the gorgeous couple we make.”

Jensen chuckles, trying to hide his distress and how Stephen’s words affected him. Jared walks them back to their table, where the rest of their friends are waiting for them, worried expressions on their faces. Both of them sit down and Jensen wishes he could have a strong drink to ease his nerves. But Jared keeps his arm around him and he’s grateful for his boyfriend’s support.

Chris and Chad return and inform them Stephen has been officially thrown out, and that they told the security not to let him in again. Jensen lets out a deep breath, and everyone looks at him expectantly, clearly wanting an explanation to who that guy was. Jensen quickly explains he’s his cousin and how he was definitely not happy to hear Jensen had a boyfriend, but he doesn’t go further than that.

Thankfully Jared feels how uncomfortable he is, and Jared himself apparently isn’t feeling so good after being yelled at, so he suggests that they call it a night. Their friends are sad to see them leave so soon, but they claim to understand. As they prepare to leave, Chris and Steve suggest they walk them home. Jensen wants to protest, say they are perfectly capable of walking themselves, but the truth is, Stephen might be still close and he’s definitely _not_ kidding around. So Jensen is secretly thankful they are having company on their way home, since he’s a little afraid, specially for Jared’s sake. He would never forgive himself if something happened to him.

When both of them are safely inside their apartment, Jensen sinks down on the couch, followed by Jared, who glues himself to his side.

“Sorry your birthday had to end that way, babe. Your cousin has no idea what he’s talking about. But if he is any indication, no wonder you wanted to escape your family.”

Jensen snorts. “Stephen is a grade A asshole. He’s always been mean to his core, I thought he’d have changed by now but apparently it has gotten worse. I just hope he stays away from us.”

Jared brings Jensen closer to him and places a kiss on his temple. “He will, love. We’re gonna be okay.”

_March 1st, 2007_

_In all these years, I always wondered when your birthday was._

_I can’t believe I finally get to celebrate it with you. Happy birthday, Jen._

The next couple of weeks go by uneventfully. Jensen plays more gigs with the band, at Fitzsimons and some other bars around town. He has been doing good at the coffee shop as well, Danneel has helped him a lot, and both of them have become good friends. Danneel confided to Jensen that she had suspected for a long time that Jared might be gay, not only because he turned her down a lot of times, but she just had a feeling, and of course she made sure to tell Jensen that she’s very happy the boys have found each other.

After the fateful meeting with Stephen, Jensen had been shaken up, worried that his cousin could do something to them, and also for throwing in his face that his family would rather see him dead than have a gay son. Jared had noticed Jensen’s mood, so a couple days later he had taken Jensen on a date, to celebrate his birthday in private, as Jared said. They had gone to a nice steak house that Jared claimed was awesome, and it really was. It had been nice to spend a night out with Jared, their first official date (apparently they did everything backwards), and it helped Jensen relax a little. Also, the things they have been doing in bed help a lot.

As Jensen walks home from work, he grins as he remembers those intimate moments he had with Jared in the past weeks, after the first time they both started getting more comfortable with each other and their performances have been improving a lot. Jensen is beat after a long day at the coffee shop, apparently the whole campus decided they _needed_ to stop by today, but everyone survived. Half an hour before clocking out, Jensen had received a text from Jared saying he was stopping by Pizza Hut and getting them dinner on his way home. Jensen’s mouth salivates as he thinks about Jared and pizza waiting for him at home.

When Jensen arrives home though, all the lights are out and that is weird. Jared always makes it home before him. As he unlocks the door and gets into their empty apartment, an uneasy feeling creeps up inside him. Surely there is a logical explanation, something must have held Jared back at the clinic, or the wait is too long at Pizza Hut. He sends a text to Jared, asking how long he’ll take to get home, but there’s no answer. Jensen is too impatient, so he calls his boyfriend after a few minutes, but it goes straight to voicemail. That is even more weird, since Jared doesn’t have an habit of turning his phone off.

Jensen starts to freak out, the uneasiness only growing more and more, so he calls Chris.

“Hey Jenny, what’s up?” Chris picks up after the third ring and Jensen ignores the nickname for now.

“Hey dude, how are you?” Jensen tries to sound cool, not letting the worry in his voice show. “Are you at the clinic? Can I talk to Jared?”

“Jared? I am at the clinic dude, just finishing up some papers before I go, but Jared left about an hour ago, as usual. Thought he’d be home by now.”

Jensen quickly thanks his friend and hangs up, by now he’s freaking out full force. He looks out the window, to both sides of the street, but Jared isn’t anywhere. He tries his phone a few more times, but it’s still turned off. Maybe his battery died and he’s waiting for the pizza, worried for not being able to warn Jensen. That has to be it.

Jensen runs to Pizza Hut, Jared has to be there, it’s the only explanation. Jensen hastily opens the door, scanning the restaurant, but his boyfriend is nowhere to be seen. He approaches the counter and asks the lady at the register if she has seen a guy with Jared’s description, but she tells him nobody looking like that came by in the past hour. Jensen walks out and he feels he’s on the verge of having a panic attack. Jared had told him a little over one hour ago that he’d pick up pizza for them and head straight home, and that he would meet Jensen there, as usual.

Except he didn’t do any of those things and Jensen can’t get a hold of him. So where could he be?

Jensen’s last hope is Chad, maybe by some random miracle he had called Jared and convinced him to meet with him? It’s highly unlikely that Jared would do that without saying anything to Jensen, but at this point Jensen is too far gone to care. So he digs his phone out and after trying to unsuccessfully reach Jared again, he dials Chad’s number.

“Hey Jensen, what do I owe the pleasure of this call?” Chad answers with a light tone in his voice, and Jensen braces himself before asking the question.

“Hey Chad…. ugh, I was wondering if maybe Jared is with you?” He tries to sound casual, but fails miserably.

“No, dude… I haven’t talked to Jaybird in a couple days, I’m just here hanging with Soph… why? What’s going on?”

Chad’s voice becomes more sober and Jensen realizes he needs to be honest with Jared’s best friend. He takes a deep breath before voicing it for the first time, his voice wavering as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Chad… Jared is gone.”


	17. Chapter 17

Everyone is gathered in Jared and Jensen’s apartment. It’s the middle of the night, but nobody cares. Chad had come with Soph as soon as Jensen called, Chris had shown up after talking to Jensen again and learning what has happened, bringing Steve with him. Danni and Milo are there as well, Chad probably having warned them.

Jensen is clutching his phone in his hands, having called Jared about a thousand times and he can’t stand the voicemail message anymore. His friends have searched around, called hospitals, police stations, but Jared is nowhere. Jensen is feeling weak with not knowing where Jared is and it’s killing him. He can’t help but think someone took his boyfriend, but why would they? Nobody would have a reason to kidnap him, it’s not like they are rich or anything and everyone loves Jared.

Well--except Stephen.

Jensen lets his cousin’s name roll through his brain as he remembers the incident that happened at the bar, but then he quickly dismisses it. Stephen may be delusional and a bit dramatic, but he’d never be crazy enough to take Jared. Jensen laughs under his breath, because the thought is ridiculous and his brain is obviously just grasping at straws.

A couple of hours pass and nothing happens, Danneel has made everyone coffee, but Jensen refuses her offer. He has remained seated in the chair by the window, looking outside for any signs of Jared. He finally thinks he has waited enough, and announces he’s going to the police station, to officially report that Jared’s missing. Chris convinces him to wait until morning, which is only a couple hours away anyway. Jensen agrees, but only for two more hours. He’s desperately hanging onto the slim hope that Jared will suddenly arrive on their doorstep saying he somehow got lost on the way home. Danneel tries to get him to lie down for a while to get some rest, but he can’t. His eyes can’t peel themselves away from where they’re looking outside, and his heart won’t stop racing with panic. He keeps his phone firmly planted in his hand, because no he can’t rest until he knows Jared is okay.

True to his word, exactly two hours later, Jensen is heading out of his apartment to the police station, and Chris offers to drive him there. When they arrive, Chris does the talking, and he manages to get them in to see to an officer. Turns out it’s officer Morgan, the same one who was on duty when Jensen mugged Jared.

Sitting in his office, Jensen remembers how this was the first place he saw Jared. It’s the place where they got reunited. And now, Jared is gone. Tears well up in Jensen’s eyes and he holds back a sob as they wait for the officer. Chris places a hand on his shoulder, and Jensen silently appreciates the support.

Then Morgan comes to the room and both Jensen and Chris introduce themselves.

“Ackles?” The officer asks, with a frown. “I remember that name, you’ve been here?”

“Yes.” Jensen is too impatient to make small talk. “I was caught stealing, was sent to rehab and here I am now, brand new, thanks very much. The reason I’m here is because Jared, my boyfriend, has gone missing and I want to report that, please.”

Morgan sighs and leans back on his chair. “When did he go missing?”

Jensen doesn’t understand why this is so important, but answers anyway. “Last night.”

“Where? Are there signs of a struggle?” Morgan seems almost bored and Jensen has the sudden urge to punch him.

“He just disappeared! He was supposed to pick up a pizza and wait for me at home like he said he would, but he never showed up. He didn’t even make it to the pizza place, someone must have taken him after he left the clinic he works in.”

Morgan studies both of them for a minute before moving forward, resting his forearms on the table. “Look, Jensen. I understand you’re upset, but there’s no substance to build a case here. From what you’re telling me, your haven’t seen your boyfriend in 12 hours, there’s no physical evidence he was taken against his will, and from what I imagine, he’s not a vulnerable adult. It’s not illegal to leave your job and not go home. I’m really sorry, but unless you have solid proof that Jared was really kidnapped, there’s nothing we can do.”

Jensen stares at the officer as if he’s seeing an alien. “So you’re telling me that my boyfriend can be locked up somewhere right the fuck now and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it?”

“As I said, we need evidence of that.”

Chris has to physically restrain Jensen when he gets up and makes a motion towards the officer, having to pretty much drag him out of the station. Jensen doesn’t say a word on their way home. And by the time they arrive, everyone has gone home already, so Jensen asks Chris to be left alone. His friend makes him promise to get at least a little bit of rest, and lets him know that he’s going to be checking up on him later.

Jensen enters the empty apartment and looks around. Jared is everywhere, almost literally since his jacket is thrown on the back of a chair, his shoes are left beside the coffee table. It doesn’t matter how many times Jensen says it, Jared keeps leaving his stuff everywhere. Jensen slowly walks to their bedroom and only has time to take off his shoes before falling down on the bed. He reaches out to his nightstand, where there’s a photo frame with their old picture together from camp. Jared had framed it before Jensen moved in as a welcome gift, it’s actually the page Jared kept, with Jensen’s note to him. Jensen has also kept that picture, cut just to show him and Jared, and it’s one of the few things that kept him going when things got too rough, looking at Jared. He stares at the framed page in his hands, going back to a time where everything was so much easier.

Jensen buries his face into Jared’s pillow, his smell lingers there, and tears well up in his eyes. His heart hurts with Jared’s absence, he wonders for the millionth time where he could be. Jensen hugs Jared’s pillow tightly and curls onto his side. A thought passes through his mind, that maybe Jared could be dead right now…and Jensen immediately panics, as he has to fight for breaths, the thought of Jared being dead somewhere, too much for him to bear. Jared can’t be dead. Because if he is… Jensen can’t be alive anymore. He would never be strong enough for this.

When he finally falls asleep, it’s due to pure exhaustion, phone and picture clutched in his hands. For the first time in his life, he does what Jared taught him to.

Jensen prays.

Jared wakes up slowly, feeling his head spinning. His eyes feel heavy and he has to try a few times before he can finally open them. When he does, Jared has to wait until his vision comes into focus. Then he realizes he’s in an unknown room. Jared slowly sits up and looks around. There’s only the bed he’s currently on, and nothing else. Jared gets up and walks to the door, but when he turns the knob, he notices it’s locked. There are no windows either, so Jared guesses he’s in a basement or something.

Jared has absolutely no idea where he is, or what he’s doing here. He tries to get his mind to focus, remember where he was before there. He thinks he was at the clinic. He remembers calling Jensen to let him know he was buying pizza for them on his way home, but he doesn’t think he got to Pizza Hut. And suddenly, one single thought enters his mind.

_Jensen._

Jared didn’t get home, and he doesn’t know how much time has passed since then. Jensen must be freaking out because Jared wasn’t there when he arrived at the apartment. Jared looks around, trying to find his phone, but it’s nowhere. Jared feels panic building up inside him, he’s trapped god knows where, he has no idea what time or even what day it is, and Jensen is probably out there looking for him.

He starts pounding on the door, screaming for someone to let him out. He screams and screams, until his voice goes hoarse, but nobody comes. Jared is thirsty and hungry, he has no idea when the last time he ate was. Jared’s feeling desperate, clueless to what’s going on and how to get out, so he slides down the wall next to the door and cries desperately, hugging his knees and burying his face in them. His stomach hurts and his throat is dry, and Jared cries until his eyes ache.

Suddenly, there’s noise at the door, and Jared fights to get to his feet as someone unlocks the door and starts opening it. When the person enters the room and Jared sees who it is, he lets out a shocked gasp.

“S-Stephen?” Jared’s jaw almost hits the floor, his eyes as big as saucers. Why on earth would Jensen’s cousin take him like this?

“Hey Jared!” Stephen replies in an overly cheerful tone, that comes out completely fake. He hands Jared a small glass of water and a plate with a couple crackers, which Jared takes from his hands without even thinking, because he’s desperate. While he eats and drinks, Stephen calmly watches him. As Jared takes the last sip of the water, he glares back at Stephen.

“What do you want? Why are you doing this?”

And then, like magic, Stephen’s face turns from a blank expression into a hateful one, and before Jared can brace himself, Stephen shoves him into the wall, making the plate and glass crash on the floor, his hand firmly on Jared’s windpipe, holding him in place, his face inches from Jared’s.

“Why??? Do you wanna know why, Jared? Because you are the scumbag that turned my cousin into a fag, that’s why. I’ve watched you two, ya know?? Such lovebirds, it made me want to puke! I couldn’t let that go on, Jared. It is disgusting and I won’t allow it. I took you from right under his nose and he will eventually see that you are no good for him. You are nothing more than the evil that entered his life and messed with his head. I’ll make sure you pay for it.”

Jared can’t believe what is happening to him. He’s half hoping it’s all a horrible nightmare and when he wakes up, Jensen will be sleeping peacefully by his side, and he’ll tell him all about it over breakfast. But Jared knows it’s real. It just doesn’t seem like it. It’s like he entered a horror movie and he has no idea how to get out. When he tries to speak, his voice shakes, and he notices there are tears running down his face. He knows he looks pathetic, but doesn’t even try to hide it.

“Please, just let me go… you have nothing to do with us, you hadn’t even seen Jensen in years. Lemme go back to him, I won’t even let him know you took me, plea-”

Jared doesn’t finish the sentence as a hard first connects to his jaw, making him fall down onto the floor. Jared sees stars, and by the time his mind has cleared enough for him to focus, Stephen is gone and the door firmly shuts behind him. Jared doesn’t have the strength to get up, his limbs feel heavy and his jaw is on fire. He cries until he passes out from exhaustion. The last thought in his mind before falling into oblivion is him wondering if he will ever see Jensen again.

During the next two days, Jensen either hides himself at home crying for Jared or ends up searching for him around town. Since the police won’t do anything, he has decided to do it himself. He looks everywhere, shows people Jared’s picture and asks around, but it’s pointless. It’s like Jared just evaporated into thin air. He knows for a fact that his boyfriend wouldn’t just leave him, not after everything they went through to be together. Jared has made it clear that he wants to be with Jensen, even knowing he’s an addict and with all the baggage he carries. Jensen gave him the option to get away, but Jared stuck with him. So Jensen doesn’t buy for one second that Jared left by his own volition. Someone has taken him for an unknown reason, and Jensen knows he’s missing something, he just doesn’t know what.

He hasn’t bothered to contact Jared’s family yet, but he knows he should have probably called them by now--but hey, sue him. There are parts of him that want to wait a bit longer and see if by some miracle Jared will return. But the truth is, Jensen is dreading the fact that he’s going to have to face Jared’s family eventually. He knows they are already upset, so god knows what their reaction will be when they learn his son was taken soon after his new boyfriend moved in. Jensen decides to wait a bit longer just for that.

His friends take turns in checking up on him, making sure he’s eating and getting some sleep. But Jensen doesn’t feel hungry at all, he only nibbles on the food his friends bring, because the mere thought of eating something makes his stomach turn upside down. He can’t even bear looking at himself in the mirror, but he imagines he must be pale, with bags under his eyes. He vaguely knows he should go to work, but Danni tells him it’s all taken care of when he asks. Chris also mentions that their gigs have been canceled until further notice.

Jensen just wants to do nothing more than cry and scream, because Jared is missing and he feels like his hands are tied, he has no idea where to look at and he misses Jared like a limb. He keeps thinking of Jared’s voice and easy smile, the sound of his laughter and his scent. Life makes absolutely no sense without Jared in it.

Three days go by after Jared’s disappearance, when everything changes.

Jensen is lying on the couch, Chris is there keeping him company and trying to convince him, without success, to eat something, when Jensen’s phone rings. Jensen is off the couch in a flash, picking up the phone from the coffee table and when he checks the caller I.D., his heart almost stops.

 _Jared_.

Jensen flips the phone open as fast as he can with trembling hands and shoves it to his ear.

“Jared???? Jared is that you?? Where are you???” Jensen practically yells into the speaker, the phone glued to his ear. He expects to hear his boyfriend’s voice, however another one, completely different, speaks.

“Hey there Jenny boy!” The voice sounds cheerful, but so fake. It sounds familiar, but Jensen can’t place it at first.

“Who is this?” He asks in a tremulous voice.

“What do you mean, who is it?” The voice scoffs on the other side. “It’s your favorite cousin!”

Everything comes crashing down right before Jensen’s eyes, because maybe Stephen is that crazy after all. He loses his balance, his knees buckling from beneath him as he falls onto the couch, Chris is hovering by his side, trying to understand just what’s going on. But Jensen can’t speak, his body is too riddled with shock. Stephen’s menacing words suddenly replay in his mind and it makes his stomach roll in on itself at just the mere thought of his cousin laying a finger on Jared.

_“You are a shame to your family, Ackles! But you won’t get away with it, you’ll learn your lesson!”_

“What do you want with him, Stephen?” Jensen tries to find his voice as he feels Chris hovering beside him, clearly understanding what’s happening. “He didn’t do anything to you, please let him go.”

Stephen just laughs in his ear and Jensen closes his eyes, trying to center himself. He can’t lose it now. “Now… now Jenny boy, that ain’t happening any time soon. You see, your friend here has taken you down the wrong path, he ain’t no good for you, so he must pay. And I’ll make sure you understand that he isn’t the right choice for you, cus!”

Jensen feels his eyes burning, but he worries his fingers at the bridge of his nose, trying to remain calm. This can’t be happening. “Please, Stephen. He is innocent, we never did anything to you. Let him go, please… just… is he okay? Please tell me he’s okay.” Jensen’s voice breaks and he hates that it gives him away.

Stephen however, seems pleased. “Don’t worry about him, Jenny boy, Jared’s having a blast. We are having a…. what do you call it? It’s a ’ reunion of sorts with my friends. We are just gathered here and Jared is our main focus. You want him to say hi?”

Jensen waits a heartbeat and then he hears it, Jared’s painful scream, as if someone is really hurting him. It makes his stomach fall and heavy tears form in his eyes. It’s the most awful sound he’s ever heard, and he wants to crawl into the phone and get to his boyfriend.

“Stephen, please, give him back, I’ll do anything. I won’t say a word, take me instead, you can do anything you want with me, just give him back! Where are you??”

But Stephen just scoffs. “I can’t say that Jenny boy, you know that. We still wanna have some fun with this boy here. Maybe you’ll hear from me again soon. See ya!”

The line goes dead and Jensen collapses onto the floor, dropping the phone by his side. His breath falters, panic tight beneath his ribs, because finally he knows what happened to Jared and it’s his worst nightmare.

Chris is by his side in a second, his arms around him and Jensen just lets his friend hold him while he cries. Jensen sobs into Chris’s shirt, trying to speak but failing. This cannot be happening, Jared is at the mercy of some crazy, homophobic dudes, and he has no idea how to get to him. His scream echoes in Jensen’s ears, and he cries even harder.

“Jared…” Jensen tries to choke out between his sobs. “Stephen has… Jared.”

“I know.” Chris’ deep voice tries to soothe him, but nothing can do that right now. And then he disentangles himself from Jensen, leaning him back against the couch gently. “Jensen, listen to me. I know you are hurting more than I can even imagine, but we need to act. We know now that Jared has really been kidnapped, and we need to go back to the station and talk to that officer. He needs to make a case out of it asap.”

Chris quickly goes to the kitchen and comes back with a glass of water, forcing Jensen to drink it. Then he helps him up and convinces him to change his clothes. When he returns to the living room, he is surprised to find Chad there.

“What are you doing here?” Jensen’s voice is hoarse and bordering on rude, but he is too far gone to care.

Chad opens his mouth, but it’s Chris who answers it. “Chad and I are witnesses to the fact that Stephen threatened you and Jared and tried to harm you both. This will help with your testimony that Stephen has Jared, and hopefully the officer will act on it this time.”

A couple hours later, the three men leave the station after Morgan has finally opened up a case on Jared’s disappearance. It turns out Stephen has a record of harassment, disturbance and robbing, along with some of his pals, who are probably the ones also holding Jared captive. Morgan releases an APB out to other law enforcement agencies with the hopes of trying to find Jared as quickly as possible.

At least something is finally being done. And Jensen’s not really sure how he’s feeling about it all, but he knows one thing is for sure. It’s time to call Jared’s family and break the news to them.

Jensen hurries home after saying goodbye to his friends, because he knows he needs to call them when he’s alone. He grabs their phone book and flips through it until he finds the number he’s looking for. Jensen dials five times before he finally presses the call button and puts the phone to his ear. It rings a few times before a voice answers and Jensen replies in a weak voice.

“Hello, Megan.”

Jensen had ended up briefly explaining to Megan what has happened over the phone. When she learned that Jared was kidnapped, she cried and hung up, telling Jensen she needed to talk to her parents. Jensen had received a message from Megan later that evening, saying they would be arriving in Dallas first thing in the morning.

Before their arrival, Chad stops by to bring Jensen breakfast, but just as he couldn’t get any sleep the night before, he also just can’t bring himself to eat anything either. He ends up setting the food on the kitchen counter and promising to eat it later, and then he tells Chad about the visitors that are about to arrive soon. And apparently he decides to take pity on him, choosing to stay and wait for them, so he can support Jensen. Jensen doesn’t protest, he feels better with Chad there.

When Jared’s parents and sister arrive, it’s not very pleasant, as predicted. Megan actually gives Jensen a hug though and he’s taken aback by it, but hugs her back. Her mother protests, apparently not being aware of the fact that Megan is on Jared’s side. But it doesn’t last long, since the reality that Jared has been taken is much bigger than anything else.

“What happened to Jared?” Sherri asks in a strained voice, barely acknowledging Chad and not meeting Jensen’s eyes, clearly uncomfortable to be there.

“Jared… he disappeared four days ago.” Jensen says in a small voice. “He never arrived home from work, and I didn’t know what had happened. Then yesterday I got a call from my cousin… you see, I haven’t seen him in years and he was not too pleased, like you guys, to find out that Jared and I were dating, and Stephen is a nasty person. He told me he has Jared as a way of punishing me. The police are already looking for him.”

Both Jared’s folks stay quiet for a while, processing the information. Then Sherri looks at Jensen with hate in her eyes. “So, this is all your fault!”

Jensen’s eyes widen and he opens his mouth, but Megan tries to speak first.

“Mom…” She starts, but Sherri cuts her off.

“No! Didn’t you hear what this man said? His lunatic of a cousin kidnapped my son because he doesn’t agree with their lifestyle, which I can’t argue with, but it’s his fault! Ever since this… man entered my son’s life, he has ruined everything! He made Jared cut his ties with us, and now our boy is god knows where, suffering god knows what! All because of him!”

Chad starts arguing with Sherri, but Jensen can’t listen anymore, because she’s right. Now that he has seen it from her angle, he knows it’s true. Jensen slowly sinks down on the couch and all the sounds around him disappear, only leaving him with the cruel fact that Jared was taken because of _him_. If they weren’t together, Jared would be safe now.

It’s all his fault.

He feels a panic attack building inside him, and from far away he makes out Chad’s angry voice and a door slamming shut. He feels Chad by his side, but Jensen can’t breathe, tears falling down his face with the knowledge of how everything that is happening is because of him and it makes him feel desperate.

Chad talks Jensen through it until he is able to regain his breath, and then broken sobs erupt from his mouth.

“They are right Chad. Jared was taken because of me. Anything that happens to him, it’s all on me!”

Chad puts a comforting hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “It’s not your fault, Jensen. You didn’t kidnap Jared. The only person we can blame is a lunatic, who thinks he has the right to decide how other people can live their lives. We’ll get him back, you’ll see.”

Jensen calms down but he doesn’t feel any better. He knows this is on him. Chad informs him that Jared’s family have gone down to the station to talk to the officer, but he couldn’t care less about what they do. All he cares about is getting his boyfriend back safe and sound, and that hopefully he can make it up to him somehow.

Jared feels exhausted.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been there, but he feels like he can’t take it anymore. He has barely had anything to eat or drink in days, he smells, his head hurts and he doesn’t have any tears left in him to cry.

Jared’s whole body aches. Stephen and his friends have been taking turns beating him up and he’s been punched and kicked pretty much every inch of him. The tender bruises purpling all over his body tell a story he can’t even comprehend and he just doesn’t have the strength to get up from the bed anymore. He’s sure he’s gonna die there, and he would love nothing more than that, if it would finally stop the pain. But one thing keeps him hanging on:

_Jensen._

Jensen is the only thing that keeps Jared going, that prevents him from giving up completely. Jared thinks about Jensen, about how happy they were just starting their simple life in the apartment they share. Jared has suffered so much because of Jensen, has gone through so much because of him, and now that he finally gets him back…

Jared needs to get back to Jensen. It’s the only thing that makes him fight back when the men beat him up, or when they inject something into his body that makes his mind foggy, but he still tries to struggle against it. Because he has to, because Jensen gives him the will to live.

Jared doesn’t know how much time passes when Stephen and a couple of his pals come inside the room, and this time they are followed by a woman. She stands by Jared’s bed and gives him a once over, humming appreciatively. But, Jared is too out of it to even care.

“Hey there, Jared!” Stephen greets him, and Jared flinches--it’s become a new reflex. That can’t be good. “See my girl over here? She is visiting with us today, so she can teach you a very important lesson. Oh, and Jensen too.”

“What do you mean?” Jared asks through gritted teeth, fear creeping up his body. Because whatever Stephen is hinting at, really doesn’t sound good.

Stephen makes a motion with his head and the woman takes off her dress, revealing her naked body. Jared starts to comprehend where this is all going, and there’s no. Fucking. Way.

“What I mean my friend, is that you are gonna learn where you should stick your dick. And you’re gonna fuck her until it fucking sticks!.” Stephen takes a video recorder out of his jacket pocket. “And your precious little boyfriend is gonna watch, too.”

Jared’s stomach drops, he can’t possibly be hearing this right. There’s no fucking way in this world he’s gonna do this, not in a million years. The girl climbs on top of him and he tries to weakly get her off, but she locks her legs around his thighs.

“I’ll never do that Stephen. I can’t do that, please stop.” Tears are forming in his eyes, because this is a nightmare, he won’t do it. He can’t.

“Oh, I think you will.” Stephen reaches into the back of his pants and comes out with a gun. He points it at Jared’s head and releases the safety, and hands the recorder over to his friend. “Unless you want your precious boyfriend to watch your brain being splattered all over the wall, it’s your choice.”

Jared closes his eyes and turns his head to the side, rivers of tears sliding down his cheeks. He thinks about Jensen’s smile instead.


	18. Chapter 18

A couple more days pass and there’s no news on Jared. And as more time passes, Jensen gets more and more desperate, he’s reaching the end of his rope. Jared’s family is still in town, but he hasn’t seen them since they arrived, and honestly he doesn’t want to. In fact, he doesn’t care about anything. He misses Jared so much it hurts physically, he’s barely eating or sleeping despite his friend’s protests, and he loathes himself for putting Jared in danger, for not being more careful or paying more attention to Stephen’s threats. The only reason Jensen hasn’t given up on everything already is Jared himself.

In the morning, he gets up from the bed after a restless sleep filled with nightmares, and heads to the living room. He has been sleeping in Chad’s old room for the past days, he can’t even stomach the idea of sleeping alone in their bed. When Jensen is about to enter the kitchen, something catches his eye. There’s an envelope at the entrance, clearly someone slid it under the door. His heart races as he runs to pick it up, tearing it open to reveal a CD.

There’s no note and Jensen frowns. He hopes that it is something about Jared, so he turns the computer on, waiting impatiently until it loads, and inserts the disk, the player opens and the video starts.

The first thing that appears is Stephen’s face, and Jensen cringes. He knows right away that whatever comes next won’t be good.

“Hey there cousin! I hope you’re doing fine. Me and your boy here are having a blast! I wanted to send you a small gift today, so I can teach you a lesson that you need to learn. You are gonna see how a proper fuck should be, nothing like that disgusting thing you guys probably do. So please, grab your popcorn!”

The camera shifts and Jensen can see Jared. He gasps as he takes a look at his boyfriend’s form. Jared is lying on a bed, pale and thin, sweat and bruises covering his face and body, and he looks to be in deep pain. Jensen immediately starts crying.

There’s a woman straddling him, and Jensen opens his mouth in horror as he watches her yanking down his pants and releasing his limp cock, stroking it until it’s half hard. Jared has a disgusted look on his face, tears running down his cheeks, and he wonders why he’s not even moving to stop her. Then, Jensen takes a closer look and notices with horror that Stephen has a gun pointed at Jared’s head. Jensen is paralyzed in his chair watching the woman ride his Jared, after a few moments Jared instinctively starts thrusting up, grabbing her thighs as he fucks into her, a pained expression on his face.

Jensen can’t watch anymore, he barely makes it to the bathroom before he loses the meager contents of his stomach and he doesn’t stop until he’s dry heaving. Jensen grabs the toilet and cries until his eyes are sore, and he finally knows he has had enough.

Jensen needs an escape, the pain is too much and he can’t bear it anymore. He needs his drugs, the craving has never been this bad, but Jensen having to watch Jared being forced to fuck a woman at gunpoint was the last straw. He can’t be strong anymore. He can’t.

Blinded by his strong craving, Jensen starts searching the apartment for something, anything. Deep down he knows he won’t find it, but he looks anyway. Maybe he can sell something. Jensen enters their bedroom, where Jared’s presence is stronger than anywhere else, and he hurries to open his boyfriend’s nightstand drawer. There’s a notebook at the bottom of it, and Jensen quickly picks it up. It looks old and worn, and Jensen is curious.

He sits down on the bed and opens the first page. What he reads makes his heart stop.

_A boy with blue hair just arrived at the camp._

Jensen quickly flips through the pages and he suddenly realizes what it must be. It’s Jared’s journal, where he has obviously written about him. Feeling a sudden need, that overpowers the cravings for the drugs, Jensen starts reading. He knows it’s Jared’s private book, but he’s too far gone to care. This is the only thing that brings Jared somewhat closer to him. The more Jensen reads, the more desperate he gets. There are 12 years of Jared writing about him, suffering because of his absence, and Jensen had no clue about any of it. Jared’s written words pierce a hole through his heart, because he went through so much pain due to him, and now he’s suffering unimaginable pain, again because of him.

If it’s destiny, like Jared says, or God or whatever, why does it have to be so hard, why must hurt so much? If Jensen knew this was gonna happen, he’d have stayed as far away from Jared as possible, if only that meant he would be safe.

Jensen finishes reading the notebook and he folds into a ball on the floor, hugging his knees and the notebook, sobbing as though his heart is breaking. Jensen can’t give in, he must fight his cravings and be strong for Jared. He owes that to him, since he’s the one causing all of this, it’s the least he can do. Jared fought for Jensen so hard, he has so much faith in him, and Jensen could never disappoint him like this. He doesn’t move for a long time, doesn’t trust himself enough. He clutches the notebook in his hands like it’s his lifesaver, the only thing keeping his head above water.

That’s how Chris finds him hours later, and Jensen manages to tell him between sobs about the video, and after a lot of persuasion Chris convinces Jensen to bring it to the authorities. Jensen doesn’t want to at first, he can’t expose his boyfriend like this, but Chris argues that it’s solid evidence that Jared is being held captive and tortured. So he finally agrees, he will do anything that can help them get to Jared.

The following evening, Jensen is at home, lying down on the couch and staring at the ceiling when Chad arrives, bringing him pizza. Jensen really tries, but the most he’s able to eat is two bites of a slice. He knows he hasn’t eaten hardly anything since Jared was taken a week ago,and that he is losing the weight he had only just put on, but he can’t bring himself to care. He knows he must be strong, but he’s nearing the end of his hope. The video from yesterday is etched in his mind, the horrible images of a beaten up Jared being forced to fuck a girl are enough to make Jensen almost puke the pizza back up.

He had handed the CD to Morgan, who was shocked by it, and promised his best efforts in finding Jared. He knows Jared’s family has seen it too, he knows that they are still in town since he has been texting with Megan. She has told Jensen she wanted to come over and talk to him, but she doesn’t want to upset her parents even further. She texts him this morning saying they have watched the video and her mother passed out and spent the morning in the E.R. Jensen doesn’t even pretend to care. Didn’t she want her son to date girls instead of boys? She should be thrilled her wish came true.

Chad is sitting at the couch talking about nonsensical things, and Jensen is somewhat grateful for having someone to distract him, even though he’s only giving Chad half his attention. He’s wondering if he’s gonna be able to at least get half an hour of sleep tonight, when there’s a loud noise outside. It sounds like screeching tires, then there’s a loud bang, a couple honks and more squealing tires.

It seems like it came from right outside the apartment, so Jensen jumps up from the couch to see what’s happening. When Jensen opens the door and steps outside, he instantly knows what those sounds were. Jensen has to rub his eyes to make sure he’s seeing what he thinks he’s seeing, and even then it still looks like a nightmare.

Jared is lying on the street in front of their apartment, unconscious. Jensen has to hold his knees tight so they won’t give out, and forces his legs to move, so he can get closer to Jared. When he kneels down by his side, Jensen cringes at Jared’s state. His whole body is a big purple bruise, there are countless cuts and blood everywhere. Jared also has a lot of scrapes, like he has just been thrown out of a moving car and rolled onto the pavement.

There is someone screaming somewhere, Jensen quickly grabs Jared’s head and rests it on his lap, he can’t think straight, there are tears running down his face as he assesses Jared’s state. He’s getting desperate and he suddenly realizes he’s the one screaming. He doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know if Jared is even alive. Jensen looks around and finds Chad by his side, a shocked expression and the phone glued to his ear, and Jensen hopes he’s getting help.

Jensen runs a trembling hand through Jared’s hair, his tears falling down on his boyfriend’s face.

“Jay… please talk to me Jay. Can you hear me?” Jensen whispers anxiously, but there is no answer. Chad closes the phone and crouches down beside him, a horrified look on his face as he takes in the state his friend is in.

“The ambulance is on the way.” Chad says, his eyes never leaving Jared.

“Is he…” Jensen tries to choke out between the sobs. “Is he…”

He can’t bring himself to say the word, and Chad picks up on that, taking Jared’s wrist in his hand and feeling it for a few moments.

“He’s alive. But the pulse is faint.”

Heavy tears explode from Jensen’s eyes as he leans down and presses his face down onto Jared’s chest, silently asking, _begging_ for Jared to be okay. He has to be okay, there is no other option for Jensen.

Finally the ambulance arrives, and Chad gently takes Jensen away from Jared so the paramedics can work on him. Jensen can’t stand up, he remains kneeling on the ground close to Jared, as he waits. The look on the paramedics face isn’t good at all, they check Jared’s vitals and one of them announces Jared is going into cardiac arrest. Chad has to physically restrain Jensen to prevent him from jumping on Jared, and getting in the way of the paramedics doing their job.

As they prepare to do CPR, a cop appears out of nowhere, telling them to back up a bit so they won’t be in the way. Chad pulls a reluctant Jensen further away, as they watch the men doing compressions, and Jensen suddenly realizes that in that moment, Jared is technically _dead_.

That thought makes Jensen want to pass out, but he fights against it, his body limp against Chad’s, who is trembling behind him. Both men watch as the paramedics fight for Jared’s life, pumping his heart and blowing air in his mouth. A few minutes later, they insert a tube down Jared’s throat and continue with the compressions without stopping.

Another paramedic inserts an IV and screams to another to start an epi. They finally settle Jared on a gurney, and after making sure he’s secure, they roll him into the ambulance, never stopping the compressions on him.

Jensen forces his legs to work and stands up, running to the ambulance, trying to climb into it, but the same cop blocks his way.

“I want to go with him!” Jensen screams in a hoarse voice, but the officer shakes his head.

“Sorry but you can’t ride with him. I can take you to the hospital, following the ambulance, so we can get there just after them.”

Jensen nods, too drained to even argue, and with a final look at Jared before the ambulance doors close, he runs to the car, vaguely hearing Chad telling him that he’s calling everyone and that they will meet him at the hospital.

The ride to the hospital passes in a blur. Jensen can only watch the ambulance driving wildly in front of them, sirens blasting, and all he can think about, is that Jared may be already dead. The notion makes him want to puke, he closes his eyes and breaths deeply, endless tears running down his face. The cop spares him a few looks, but doesn’t say anything, which Jensen is grateful for. He doesn’t trust himself enough to even open his mouth without throwing up.

He’s having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that Jared was kidnapped and has just appeared on his doorstep, seriously hurt and almost dead. Never in his worst nightmares could he have imagined something like this happening. It’s too absurd.

They arrive at the hospital only a few moments after the ambulance, and Jensen jumps out of the car and enters the building, right when they are wheeling Jared through some doors. He tries to follow but a nurse stops him, saying he must stay in the waiting room. Jensen pretty much collapses on a hard chair and pulls on his hair, not sure what he should do. He can’t think, Jared is behind those doors and he has no idea what state he’s in and he’s feeling so powerless. Everything that is happening to Jared is because of him and he feels like screaming.

The cop that brought him in approaches Jensen, followed by another one, and he clears his throat to get Jensen’s attention. As he looks up, the cop tells him as gently as possible that he needs to give his statement as to what happened to Jared. Jensen is more than happy to do so, finally being able to do something remotely useful, his monster of a cousin did this and he will make sure the cops know it.

The cops lead Jensen to a private room, and he tells them everything that has happened, that Jared was kidnapped and there is a case opened already. He tells them that Stephen, his cousin, made sure Jensen knew that he had Jared and tonight he dropped an unconscious Jared on his doorstep, probably to teach him a lesson, maybe assuming he was already dead. The cops thank Jensen and release him, saying that his statement will be added to the case files, along with the one Chad has to give when he arrives, and Stephen will more than likely have a ‘wanted’ sign of his face soon.

When Jensen returns to the waiting room, Chad is there with Sophia, Chris and Steve, all of them asking questions when they see Jensen, but all he can do is just shake his head. They all sit and wait as Chad goes to talk to the cops and Jensen fills in some forms with Jared’s information. A while later Jared’s family arrives. After being told they have to wait by the nurse at the station, Sherri spots Jensen and starts throwing a tantrum, demanding that he leaves since he has no reason to be here, and since Jensen’s level of stress is already off the charts, he stands his ground and faces Jared’s mother.

“I am not going anywhere, you know why? Because Jared is my boyfriend, he’s the love of my life and I have every right to be here, since he chose me to be a part of his life. I know what happened to him was my fault, because Stephen is my cousin, but the only thing that can make me leave this hospital is Jared asking that himself. And even then, I won’t leave. Now, you guys, you turned your back on your son, you were blind to his suffering, you didn’t help him when he needed it the most, and after finally telling you the truth, saying he was finally happy with the man he loved, you ignored him for weeks and only came here because he was in danger. If this hadn’t happen, you’d still be in your lovely suburban home, pretending your son doesn’t exist. So excuse me if I don’t follow your orders, I’m staying put and if you as much as think about keeping me from seeing Jared in this hospital, I’ll raise hell on earth. So I wouldn’t do that if I were you, because you don’t know what I’m capable of doing for those I love. I’m sick of you treating us like we’re below your level. So please, if you don’t have anything nice to say to me, let’s keep quiet and wait for news on Jared.”

Jensen slumps down on the couch, leaning against the back of it. Sherri opens her mouth to answer him, but surprisingly, Jared’s father cuts her off.

“Enough, Sherri. We’re dealing with enough stress here already, we don’t need to add more to it. Let’s do what the boy says and wait in silence for someone to come and give news on our boy.” Gerry gives Jensen a long look, but Jensen is too tired to even think about what it means.

A long time passes before the doctor finally comes into the waiting room, calling for Mr. Padalecki’s family. Jensen is the first to get up and get to the doctor, followed by Jared’s parents and Megan. Their friends stay close behind so they can listen too.

“Doctor, please, how’s Jared??” Jensen asks in a frantic voice.

The doctor eyes Jensen. “Are you family?”

Jensen doesn’t even blink, answering before Sherri has a chance to. “Yes, Jared is my life partner, we live together.”

The answer seems to be enough for the doctor. “Okay. I’m doctor Sheppard, and I was the one who treated Mr. Padalecki and assessed his condition. I’ll be straight with you, Jared doesn’t look good. He has suffered severe injuries caused by heavy beatings, to his head and torso, specially his back. We’re monitoring his kidneys for any signs of renal failure, since that can often occur. Scans also showed swelling and a injury to the lower part of his spine, which is a big concern, but for now our major worry is for Jared’s brain. He has suffered a massive head injury, maybe when he fell from the vehicle, the CT scan shows an edema, which is brain swelling, and internal bleeding. Jared is being prepared for surgery as we speak, so the doctors can try and release the pressure on his brain and stop the bleeding. I’m sorry I can’t give you better news, but Jared’s state is critical. I can promise you he’s in the best of hands though, and will receive the finest treatment. We’re doing all we can to save him.”

Jensen can’t find his voice to reply to the doctor, he steps aside and Chris is quick to hold him up, right when his knees buckle. The doctor’s words ringing in his ears, Jensen can’t help but think that Jared’s dying. He needs brain surgery, there are a lot of other injuries that Jensen can’t even begin to think about, and if Jared ever comes out of all of this alive, it’s gonna be a miracle. Chris tries to drag Jensen to the couch, but suddenly Jensen is taken over by a wave of massive anger, that runs deep in his bones and he knows he has to lash out at someone. So he extricates himself from Chris’ arms and demands that his friend gives him his phone.

When Chris hands him the device, Jensen steps away from everyone, flips the phone open and without thinking twice, punches in the number he still knows by heart, hoping it hasn’t changed over the years.

A female voice answers, and Jensen knows the number is still the same. “Hello?”

“Donna?” Jensen’s voice is hoarse and dry and he ignores the sting of hearing his mother’s voice for the first time in all these years.

“Yes, this is her. Who is this?”

“This is Jensen.” He waits a heartbeat for the effect of his words and sure enough there’s a sharp intake of breath on the other end.

“J-Jensen? Son??” The voice sounds shocked and desperate, but Jensen doesn’t break.

“No! This is Jensen, but I’m not your son. I haven’t been for years now.” The woman starts to speak but Jensen cuts her off. “I am calling to let you know something. Your precious, perfect nephew Stephen, found out I’m in Dallas and living happily with my boyfriend, and he thought it was a good idea to fucking kidnap my boyfriend and torture him. He returned him to me with his life hanging by a thread, and now I’m sitting in a fucking hospital waiting for the doctor to tell me there’s nothing they can do for him! And it’s all the fault of this fucking homophobic and hateful family who cannot accept a different lifestyle. You people took everything from me, you took my whole life away and now you have managed to take my love too. What did I ever do to deserve all of this? I only wanted to live my life the way I am, but you people won’t let me. I want you to know something. Stephen will pay. If the police won’t find him, I will, and he will regret the day he was born when I do. That’s all I have to say.”

Jensen shuts off the phone and clutches it tightly in his hand, fat tears falling down his face. He returns to the waiting room, not sure if he’s feeling better or worse. Jensen returns the phone to Chris, who informs him the nurse said the surgery has begun. Jensen tells his friends to go home and rest, saying he’s gonna stay and wait for the surgery to be over. They protest, but there’s no point of them all staying here, and Jensen promises to call if anything happens.

The waiting is unbearable. It has been hours, but to Jensen, it feels like months have passed since they started the surgery. He feels nauseated every time he thinks that there is a possibility that Jared could die, that the doctor could come and tell them they can’t do anything to save him. Megan often sits by his side, offering and taking silent comfort, ignoring her mother’s stern looks. Jensen is fucking tired of her judgment, but he’s even more tired of arguing. He can’t stop thinking about how cruel Stephen was, how it’s possible that a human being can get to that point, and he knows he wasn’t bluffing when he talked to Donna. If the police don’t find him and lock him up, he’ll take matters into his own hands. Jensen was quietly minding his own business with Jared and then Stephen came and ruined everything. He has to pay one way or the other.

After what seems like days, another doctor arrives asking if they are Jared’s family, and everyone stands up at once. Jensen tries to read his face, to see if the news is gonna be the worst possible. Again, it’s Jensen who speaks first.

“How is he? Did he make it?”

The doctor looks at them with sympathy. “Jared made it through surgery, we were able to remove the source of the swelling in his brain and control the bleeding. We are hopeful he’s gonna make a full recovery but it’s too soon to tell. His condition is still critical, he’s in the ICU and we’ll keep a close eye on him, especially his heart, he arrived here in cardiac arrest and it took a long time to stabilize him. Jared still needs surgery on his spinal cord, but for now we’re more worried with him making it through the next couple days after this first surgery.” The doctor looks at everyone and sighs. “I know it’s a lot to take in, but let’s take one step at a time. It’s not gonna be easy, but we’re doing everything we can for Jared.”

Jensen can’t find his voice, it’s a lot of information at once and a lot of things that could go wrong, so Sherri is the one who speaks.

“Can we see him?”

“Yes. But not all of you at once and only for five minutes each.”

Sherri starts saying that she is going first and Jensen opens his mouth to protest, but surprisingly, Gerry is the one who stops her.

“Sherri, let the boy go first.” His voice leaves no room for argument, both Sherri and Jensen stare agape at the man, and she protests even further, claiming her husband is crazy but he doesn’t back down.

“He was right. We turned our back on our son, he was the one by his side all this time and he was the one who found him. As he told you, Jared chose him, and he has every right to see him before we do. Go Jensen, please.”

Jensen is stunned by the fact that Jared’s dad just defended him, but he decides to think about it later, he’s seeing Jared now and that’s all that matters.

A nurse leads him to the ICU, and when he enters the room he doesn’t see anything else, only a tall figure lying too still on a large bed, and even before Jensen approaches it, there are already big tears rolling down his face as he takes in Jared’s state. His eyes are closed, his face pale under purple bruises that go down all the way his torso and arms. There are cuts and scrapes everywhere, a large bandage around his head. A lot of wires are attached to his bare chest, connecting Jared to countless machines around him.

Jensen stands by Jared’s side, carefully picking up his hand and bringing it to his lips, placing a lingering kiss there, feeling his tears dampening the back of it. Still holding Jared’s hand, he touches his face as gently as he can, feeling the warmth of Jared’s cheek, proof that he’s still alive, along with the loud sound of the beeping machines.

“I’m sorry, Jay.” Jensen’s voice is no more than a whisper. “This is on me but you’ll be fine. You have to be. And if you forgive me, I promise I’ll take care of you and we’ll be so happy together, in our small apartment with our friends bugging us. Maybe we can move to a house and get a dog someday? Bet you’d like that.”

Jared remains completely still and Jensen’s voice falters as he squeezes Jared’s hand. “Jay, please.”

A nurse arrives, quietly telling him he must leave now, and Jensen nods. He places another kiss on Jared’s hand and with a final look at him, the love of his life who’s just hanging by a thread, he leaves the room.


	19. Chapter 19

When Sherri and Megan leave to go see Jared, Jensen is left in the waiting room with Jared’s father, an uncomfortable silence hanging between them, and Jensen isn’t sure what to say. Thankfully, Gerry spares him the worry and starts talking first.

“Look, Jensen.” The man turns towards him, but has a hard time looking Jensen in the eyes, as if he’s struggling to get the words out. Jensen waits patiently. “I’m not sure where to begin, but… I need to apologize, to you and to my son.”

Jensen is surprised, he opens his mouth to try and say something but Gerry just holds his hand up. “Just… I never understood my son. I never realized he was struggling, I wanted to have a perfect family so I turned a blind eye to him. I should have paid more attention to Jared. That day, when he told us he was gay and had a boyfriend, the shock was immense. You need to understand Jensen, I come from a religious family, I grew up believing gays are sinners, so it was too hard for me to accept it. I’ve never thought this would happen in my family. After we returned home, it was like I was fighting a battle inside myself, between what I was raised to believe and the fear of losing my son. I was gaining some courage to try and talk to him after the shock had worn off, to understand what he was feeling since it was all new to me. I didn’t want to lose my son. But before I could act on it, all of this happened and I may never have a chance to talk to him, to tell him I don’t hate him.”

Gerry has tears on his eyes and Jensen takes pity on him. He’s trying, and that is all that matters. It’s way more than his own father ever did. “Jared was very hurt after that day, thinking he had lost his family. But I’m sure you’ll have the chance to make it up to him, and if you’re willing to do that, to accept you son, accept us, that’s a huge step, and I know Jared will be very happy.”

Jared’s father nods. “I hope so. I’m gonna work on Sherri, I’m sure she will come around, she was always way more focused on her beliefs than I was. But I think after stuff like this happens, you need to rethink your priorities. It’s still hard for me, but if my son is happy with you… I’m willing to learn and accept it. And to get to know my son-in-law better after this is all over. You can be sure you that you can count on me for what you need.”

Jensen swallows hard, very grateful for Gerry’s support. He nods and extends his hand, which Gerry promptly takes, giving Jensen a tight smile as he shakes his hand.

Once everyone has seen Jared, Jensen wants to stay at the hospital with his boyfriend, but the nurse tells him he should go home, he won’t be allowed to see Jared again tonight, and she tells him he’ll be informed if there are any changes in his condition. Megan convinces Jensen to go home and at least take a shower, get some rest and something to eat, so he can come back tomorrow and be with Jared. Jensen reluctantly agrees, after giving the nurse all the numbers he can be reached at, making her promise him to call at any time. He takes a cab home, even after Gerry offers to drive him. He’s still not comfortable with Jared’s mother at all. He just hopes she can come around as well, for Jared’s sake.

But that is something to worry about later. All he wants is for his boyfriend to be okay. There is no other option.

Five days later, Jensen is sitting beside Jared’s bed. He had another surgery that morning, this time to try and fix the damage in his spinal cord, and he’s still unconscious. The past few days have been a rollercoaster.

A day after Jared’s brain surgery, Jensen went through what probably was the worst moment so far, along with the one where he found Jared at his doorstep. He was visiting Jared, everything was looking normal and then the heart monitor started beating weirdly, and right when the nurse hurried to his bed, he flatlined. Jensen was frozen in his spot as he watched the monitor and Jared’s still form, the knowledge that his heart had stopped breathing, suffocated him. Someone yelled ‘code blue’ and another person came running in with a crash cart. A nurse started pushing Jensen out of the room, he didn’t want to leave, he had to stay with Jared, make sure he would live, he wanted to protest but the nurse pretty much dragged him out, closing the door behind him.

“Look, you must wait out here.” The nurse said in a hurried voice. “We’re doing everything we can to save him.” But there was resignation in his voice, and Jensen knew the chances were slim. The nurse went back inside and Jensen felt so lost. Jared was dying behind those doors, and there was absolutely nothing he could do.

Heavy tears ran down his face, sobs escaped his throat and he wrapped his arms around himself. Jensen didn’t know what to do, so he started walking aimlessly, too desperate to stay put. Close to the ICU, he found a small chapel. Without thinking about it, Jensen stepped inside, sitting down on the last row of chairs. He stared at the altar for a while, unsure of what to do, what to say. His mind traveled back to that day, months ago, when Jared talked to him about faith and prayer. So Jensen bowed his head and prayed, the only way he knew how.

_God, please. I’m not sure why I am here, and I know I probably don’t deserve it… I never knew how to pray or what to believe in, but even if I have no right to ask… please save Jared. I’m not asking it for me, but if there’s a person who deserves to live, it’s Jared. He’s so caring and loving, he has a heart the size of the world, and not a single mean bone in his body. He doesn’t deserve this, the shit I put him through. Even if he doesn’t want to see me anymore, I’ll respect that. I’ll do anything, God please. Just don’t take him, not yet. You can take me instead if you want, but not Jared. Please, I beg you._

Jensen took a while to compose himself, gathering courage to go back and hear the verdict on Jared. He slowly dragged himself back to the waiting room, and he stayed there, waiting. He didn’t call anyone, deciding he should hear what happened to Jared first.

A while later, a doctor came and told him they had managed to get Jared stabilized, but his health was still critical. Jensen cried in relief, the knowledge that Jared was still alive, still fighting, was enough for him, for now.

The next day, to his utter surprise, Jared’s brother Jeff knocked on his door. He didn’t know who the man was at first, Jared didn’t talk about his brother much, but Jensen had a pretty good idea, seeing he was as least as tall as Jared, maybe taller. Jensen had been wary, thinking Jeff would want to fight with him, but to his shock, Jeff was very nice. He had told Jensen that he used to be homophobic, due to the way he was raised, but moving away, meeting new people at college, some of them gay, made him change his mind.

“I wish I knew what my brother was going through. When he came to me, I didn’t pay much attention to him, he said it was about a friend of his and I believed him. There was no way I could have a gay brother. I wish I had been there for him, helped him, been a real big brother, someone he could have looked up to. I hope I can make it up to him.”

Jensen was pleased to see Jared’s family coming through, he just hoped it wasn’t too late. His mother still kept her distance, but she had become less hostile towards Jensen, so he figured Gerry must have been doing some talking.

The doctors had decided to wait a few more days, when Jared would be more stable to have the spinal cord surgery. He hadn’t woken up yet, but they said it was to be expected, especially since the heavy head trauma, it could take the patient a while to come to.

Jensen decided to go back to work, since he couldn’t stay with Jared for more than a few moments each day. He had agreed with Jim that he’d work less hours while Jared was in the hospital, he felt like he needed to occupy his mind with something other than staying at home or in the hospital corridors. He also needed the income to pay their bills.

And now he’s by Jared’s bed, trying to keep it together. After the surgery, the doctor had given them some awful news. He told them that, due to the injury to Jared’s spine, he had a long, hard recovery ahead of him, and he could be left with permanent damage to his legs. The doctor said he didn’t have a complete injury to his vertebrae, so he wouldn’t be 100% paralyzed, but they couldn’t say if he was ever gonna walk on his own again.

That was a hard blow to Jensen, he still felt awful knowing this all happened because he entered Jared’s life again. If he was strong enough, he knows he should walk away, get out of Jared’s life after all he has done, but the truth is, he isn’t strong enough. He wants to, he needs to be there for Jared, he wants to help him get through everything. Jared was there for him through the bad times, and he wants to do the same for him. He will be there for him through it all, unless Jared himself sends him away. If he does, Jensen isn’t sure what he would do, but he will respect Jared’s wishes.

For now, all he needs is for Jared to open his eyes. He’s gonna deal with everything else later.

At first, Jared doesn’t know where he is. He feels like he’s thousand miles away, swimming deep down in the ocean, and everything is foggy. His senses come back very slowly, his eyelids are so heavy and he fights to open them, but fails. He hears distant sounds, he knows there’s something in his mouth, but when he tries to lift his hand to take it off, it feels impossible to even move. His legs feel weird too, it’s like they aren’t 100% there, and when he tries to, they won’t move either.

Jared isn’t sure if he drifted off or not, but he tries to open his eyes again, it’s a huge struggle, but this time he hears a voice. It sounds far away, but Jared knows this voice, and he knows he likes it. To Jared, it’s the best sound in the world. There’s a light touch on his hand, and Jared tries, with all his power, to squeeze the hand on his. He isn’t sure if he succeeds, but the voice tells him to wake up, he thinks. Yeah, maybe he should try again. It’s a hard task, but his eyes finally open only to close again, the brightness of the room blinding him.

He hears footsteps going away and coming back again, and that lovely voice telling him to try one more time so he does, after feeling a warm hand touching his forehead. Jared opens his eyes and blinks a few times, it’s darker now so it’s a bit easier. He’s in a white room that smells funny. Jared’s brain tells him he’s in a hospital, but he isn’t sure why. There’s something uncomfortable down his throat, so he tries again and this time his hand moves, but when he tries to touch the thing, someone grabs his hand mid-air.

“You can’t touch it Jay… I’ll ask the doctor if he can take it out.” The voice wavers, it sounds closer now, and Jared instantly turns his head, coming face to face with his favorite person in the world.

_Jensen._

He tries to say the word but nothing comes out, and he starts panicking. But again, Jensen’s words calm him down, telling Jared the nurse is on the way. Jared’s eyes don’t leave Jensen’s, and he can see tears running down his lover’s face. Whatever happened to him, it wasn’t pretty and he isn’t sure if he wants to find out. He squeezes Jensen’s hand and doesn’t let go.

The nurse comes in the room after Jensen pushed the button calling her, and is pleased to see Jared is awake. She greets him, and Jared only stares at her in confusion. The nurse tells Jensen she’s gonna get the doctor, and after a couple minutes that pass in silence, with Jensen mumbling nonsense to keep Jared calm, the doctor finally arrives with the nurse behind him.

“Hello Mr. Padalecki, it’s so nice to see you finally awake! I’m doctor Kripke, and I’ve been taking care of you.”

Jared frowns and makes a small motion towards the tube.

“Guess you’re ready to take this out, then? Well, I’ll do a quick check to see if everything is alright, and then we can remove it.” The doctor turns to Jensen. “Mr. Ackles, would you mind waiting outside while we do this? I promise you can come back as soon we’re done.”

Jensen does mind, he wants to stay with Jared, but he has learned by now it’s futile to argue with the doctors and nurses. There’s a slightly panicked look on Jared’s face, but Jensen places a hand on his cheek.

“I’ll be right outside, Jay. They will take this tube out and I’ll come right back to you okay?”

Jared nods, defeated, perhaps the prospect of having the tube removed is too great to pass. Jensen presses a lingering kiss to Jared’s forehead, and then dutifully leaves the room.

As Jensen waits outside, he calls Megan to let her and Jared’s parents know he is awake, and she informs him they are on their way. Jensen has spent almost all of his free time with Jared since he was transferred to a regular room a couple days earlier. The doctors had decided his vitals were improving and he didn’t have to stay in the ICU any longer, as they were only waiting for him to wake up. That had been a relief for Jensen and everyone else, and it also meant they could spend more time with Jared.

About 15 minutes later, the nurse and doctor come out of the room, and the latter tells him that he may go inside, Jared is waiting. Jensen doesn’t need to be told twice.

He rushes to the bed and notices that the tube has been replaced by a nasal cannula. Jared looks tired, a couple of tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, probably from the effort of having the tube removed. He looks like a sad puppy. Jensen sits down and squeezes Jared’s hand.

“Better now?” Jensen asks, giving Jared a small smile. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to looking into his deep hazel eyes again.

“Yeah.” Jared answers, but his voice is raspy and low. “What happened?”

Jensen flinches, he has been dreading the moment Jared would ask that. But it’s better to get this over with, Jared will find out sooner rather than later.

“Don’t you remember anything?”

Jared frowns and looks up to the ceiling, clearly trying to get his mind to remember something. A few minutes pass before he whispers.

“S-Stephen… I was with him?” He asks with a shaky voice.

Jensen nods, noticing Jared’s growing distress. “Yes. He… he took you and kept you somewhere. I didn’t know where you were for days and he did things to you, and….”

Jensen doesn’t finish because suddenly Jared starts trembling so violently that Jensen is frozen for a few seconds. Jared is obviously remembering the things that happened to him while he was being kept by Stephen, and he’s not reacting well. Jared starts screaming and thrashing, as if he’s reliving every moment. Jensen tries to touch his arm but Jared jerks away so violently he almost falls off the bed, the only thing keeping him in place are his unmoving legs, which Jared is too distressed to notice. Yeah he’ll be even more thrilled when he hears about that part.

Jensen pushes the call button again and goes out in the hall to call for help because Jared has completely lost it and he’s gonna end up hurting himself. The same nurse comes running, and as soon as she takes in Jared’s panicky state, she hurries to administer a sedative. Jared slowly starts to calm down, until he’s lying still on the bed. The nurse adjusts everything back in its place, as Jensen tells her what happened. She tells him Jared will sleep for a while, and as she leaves the room, Jensen sits down again and buries his face into Jared’s chest, and he cries. This is not fair.

The next couple of days aren’t easy for Jared in the slightest. When he had woken up the next time, Jensen was gone and his parents were with him instead. He panicked, he was still freaking out over what had happened to him and the things he was forced to do, he wanted to see Jensen, but he was probably gone by now, it wasn’t like Jared should expect Jensen to sit and wait for Jared to wake up all day long. Specially after everything…

His mother started crying when she saw him awake, and Jared demanded them both to leave his room.

“But baby… we were so worried about you,” his mother had claimed, in a teary voice. But Jared didn’t even hesitate.

“You weren’t worried about me when you learned about me and Jensen, and opted to step away from my life if I continued with him. The reason I am here is because people who think exactly like you can’t stand the happiness of people like me. So please, get out.”

Jared’s mother had left the room in a rush, crying out loud. Before leaving, his father turned to him with a sad expression on his face.

“I want to apologize for my earlier behavior, son. I hope someday you can believe I don’t hate you, and I have changed some old fashioned views that I had until recently. I’m relieved to see you’re okay and I will be here as soon as you are willing to see me.”

Jared had cried after that.

When Jared received the news about his current condition, he didn’t cry or get desperate. He has been through so much shit already and he felt so awful, that this was only the cherry on top. Jensen was with him when the doctor told Jared, Jensen on the other hand, couldn’t hide his tears. Once the doctor left, he started sobbing, begging Jared for forgiveness, and Jared was clueless about that.

“Why do you want me to forgive you for, Jen?”

Jensen looked at him with wide sorrowful eyes. “Because it was all my fault, Jay. Stephen is my cousin, he only did what he did to you so he could get to me. If it wasn’t for me, this wouldn’t be happening to you.”

Jensen cried even harder, burying his face on Jared’s shoulder, and Jared himself couldn’t hold back his own tears.

“Don’t do this Jen, please… it’s not your fault, you didn’t take me… I just don’t get why you’re still here after what I did.”

Jensen looked up with a confused frown on his face. “What are you talking about?”

Jared scoffed. “I… I fucked that woman, Jensen. I cheated on you. And he said he was gonna send you a video and you probably had to watch it, Jesus Jensen, how can you ever touch me again after that?”

Jared felt filthy after he was forced to do _that_ , and he couldn’t understand why Jensen didn’t hate him for it. But Jensen took Jared’s hand in both of his, bringing it close to his face and gently planting a kiss on his knuckles.

“Jay… you were forced to do that, otherwise Stephen was gonna kill you. That is _rape_. It doesn’t matter if you were the one doing it to the girl, it was against your will. How can you think I’d be mad at you for that? I thought…” Jensen’s voice faltered as his throat closed up. “I thought I was gonna lose you. I thought I’d never see you again, and I was so fucking scared, Jay. Those days without you were unbearable, I don’t know what I would have done…”

Jensen couldn’t finish, and for the first time Jared realized what it was like for Jensen on those days he was gone. He tried to put himself in Jensen’s place, and he doesn’t know if he would have made it. After getting his love back, the idea of losing him again would be unthinkable. Neither of them said anything else, they just clung to each other, trying to reassure one another that they were really there and safe. They fell asleep holding hands.

Officer Morgan calls to tell Jensen they have arrested Stephen, and he lets out a relieved breath. He also says Jared that he needs to testify, so they can build a strong case against him.

Jensen talks to Jared, and he doesn’t want to do it at first, claims he can’t go through all of it again. Jensen tries to convince Jared, claiming that it’s their chance to make Stephen pay. Jared agrees under the condition that Jensen stays with him while he testifies. When Jensen tells Morgan, the officer tries to object, but Jensen makes it pretty clear Jared won’t talk unless they agree to it, so that’s what happens.

After Jared has given his statement, all the while squeezing Jensen’s hand, Morgan tells him they have enough evidence on Stephen, and he’s probably going on trial, hoping he will face at least a few years in prison, specially since he doesn’t have a clean record. Now, Jensen can focus only on Jared’s recovery.

Jared’s family is finally making it up to Jared, Sherri has finally begun to realize she has to reevaluate her beliefs and priorities in life. She has politely told Jensen she is trying to accept things, if it means having a relationship with her son back, and for that, Jensen is grateful. Jared, his parents and siblings had a long talk, and things between them changed for the better after that. Apparently, almost losing someone has the power to change a person’s mind about the way they look at things. Jensen is relieved, to be honest. Jared’s family is good, they just had a lot of prejudices and didn’t know how to deal with it when a different situation knocked on their door. At least one good thing came out of all of this.

Jared has begun working on his recovery with physical therapy, and he’s also talking to a shrink. He was reluctant at first, but Jensen talked him into accepting professional help. Jensen knew he could only help Jared up to a certain point.

The physical aspect is hard too, Jared has little to no movement in his legs and limited feeling, and Jensen can feel Jared is getting very frustrated by that.

“What is gonna happen to me, Jen? If I can’t walk, what am I supposed to do?”

Jensen had held Jared while the younger man sobbed, his new reality finally sinking into him.

“We’re gonna work this out, my boy. The doctor said you have a good chance of recovering, even if it’s not 100% I’m sure you’ll be able to stand up eventually. You need to work hard on the therapy and I’ll be by your side every step of the way. We’ll get through this together, and we’re gonna be okay. You’ll be alright, and I’ll be by your side as long as you will have me.”

Jared didn’t respond, only cried harder and clutched Jensen tighter.

To cheer Jared up a bit, Jensen brings his guitar to the hospital on his next visit. Jared raises an eyebrow at him, and he gives his boyfriend a shy smile before leaning down to kiss him on the forehead.

“I thought I would sing you a song, you know… I’m sure listening to my awesome voice will lighten up your mood.”

Jared laughs for the first time, it’s short and not the kind of easy laughter Jared usually has, but it’s a start. Jensen sits down and places the old guitar on his lap. He has chosen a cheesy song, but he believes this is what Jared might need now.

 _This Romeo is bleeding_  
_But you can't see his blood_  
_It's nothing but some feelings_  
_That this old dog kicked up_  
  
_It's been raining since you left me_  
_Now I'm drowning in the flood_  
_You see I've always been a fighter_  
_But without you I give up_  
  
_Now I can't sing a love song_  
_Like the way it's meant to be_  
_Well I guess I'm not that good anymore_  
_But baby that's just me_  
  
_And I will love you baby always_  
_And I'll be there forever and a day always_  
_I'll be there till the stars don't shine_  
_Till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme_  
_And I know when I die you'll be on my mind_  
_And I'll love you always_

Jensen only sings half of it and Jared is crying by the time he finishes, he hopes his boyfriend can at least try to understand he’s not going anywhere, anytime soon. He only leaves the room once Jared is fast asleep, not before placing a lingering kiss to his forehead.

Jensen walks home thinking about Jared as usual, wondering when he’ll be able to come home. He wishes he could stay with him longer, but Jensen can’t leave his job, especially not now. He thinks about calling Chris to ask him when they can start having gigs again, he could really use the income. He’s relieved to know Jared is rarely alone, when Jensen isn’t there his mother is, or Chad, or Megan, or one of their friends. Jared’s father went back to Austin a couple days ago, since he had to go back to his job, and Jeff had left a few days earlier, but both of them are always calling to see how Jared is doing.

Jensen arrives home and takes a quick shower, but before he can think of making something to eat, the doorbell rings. He wonders if it’s Chris, and opens the door without even checking the peephole. When he realizes who the people outside his door are, he almost falls down.

“M… Donna? Mackenzie?”


	20. Chapter 20

Jensen’s voice is barely a whisper and his eyes are as wide as saucers as he takes a look at his mother and sister, who look frozen in their spots. Donna suddenly bursts into tears when she takes a look at Jensen.

“Jensen baby, oh my God…” She takes a step forward and reaches out her arms, but Jensen steps back, holding up both hands.

“No! Stay away! I want _nothing_ to do with you!”

“Jensen please…” His mother whines, but Jensen doesn’t budge.

“I need you to leave right now, please.” Jensen is still as stone, trying to remain composed.

Donna opens her mouth but Mackenzie beats her to it.

“Jensen, please.” She starts with tears in her eyes, and god Jensen doesn’t even recognize the voice of his now adult sister. “I understand you have all the reasons in the world to not want to see us, but I promise we just want to talk to you. I just ask for one chance, please. It’s a lot to ask I know, but I’m begging you. We just want to talk to you, and then you can kick us out… if you still want to.”

Jensen considers both women in front of him, both strangers to him now. He has already been hurt so much, so he decides to do as his sister asks. There’s not much they can say to him that would be worse than what he has been through already. Plus, if Jared can listen to his family, so can Jensen. He doesn’t answer, just walks back inside leaving the door open behind him. His mother and sister take the opportunity and walk inside, closing the door.

“I’m listening.” Jensen’s voice is devoid of any emotion as he turns and faces his mother and sister, who are shyly looking around.

“How have you been, Jensen? I missed you so much baby.” Donna’s voice is teary, but Jensen only looks at her.

“Funny how you ask that now, ten years too late. How did you find me?”

“I… after you called, I wanted nothing more than to find you. Well, I always have, but now… things are different. Stephen is in jail, and I hired a detective so we could find your whereabouts. I just needed to see you, son. I always wondered what happened to you.”

Jensen laughs, and it’s very bitter. “Oh, you wanna know? Okay, here you go. After I went to live with your lovely aunt, who also didn’t accept who I was, I left her house, lived here and there and when my money was over, I came back to Dallas and started living on the streets. I stole money and did other stuff too, so I could get drugs. That’s right mom, your lovely son turned into a junkie. A homeless junkie. I didn’t care if I lived or died anymore. I didn’t feel anything. And you know who saved me? Jared. The guy your nephew fucking kidnapped. I mugged him and instead of pressing charges, he took me to his rehab clinic and helped me. I’m clean and I have a home now, only because of him. Even more than that, it turns out he’s the love of my life. We had a good life here, we didn’t have much but we were happy. But apparently, your nephew couldn’t stand that when he saw us at the bar. It had nothing to do with him, but he decided to try and put an end to our happiness regardless. So apparently, even after ten years, this family keeps fucking me over. That’s how I’ve been.”

Jensen finishes, fuming, and waits for his words to sink in. Donna and Mackenzie look at him with her mouths open.

“Oh my god, Jensen…” Donna starts, tears running down her face. “I had no idea, baby…”

“Of course you didn’t. You people threw me out of your house, when I was badly bruised, because you couldn’t accept who I was. Your own son. You have no idea the shit I went through all of these years!”

Donna lets out a long breath, looking defeated. “You are right. There’s nothing I can say to make up for all we did to you. But I only came here to apologize, Jensen. I know an apology isn’t nearly enough, but it’s how I can start. I never forgave myself for you leaving like that. I wanted to reach out to you, but your father… you know him. And I was a coward. When I heard you had left my aunt’s house, I desperately wanted to know what had happened to you, but your father forbade me to seek information, and again I was a coward. I was scared of him and you paid the price. I can never redeem myself from all of this. Alan, he… died. A few months ago, from a heart attack. And ever since, I’ve been thinking more and more about trying to find you, find out what happened to you. When you called… I couldn’t sleep for days, I didn’t rest until I found out your location. I’m not asking you to forgive us, Jensen. That’s almost impossible to expect, I know we hurt you too much. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am you had to go through all of this, and how horrible I feel because it’s our fault and we could have prevented it. I just wanted you to know that I’ve always loved you, and you’ve always been my son. And maybe, someday, we could be a part of each other’s lives again, even a small part. I don’t judge you anymore because of your love life baby, if you’re happy then I’m happy for you. I want you to know that.”

There’s a turmoil going inside Jensen’s mind at Donna’s words. First he realizes he isn’t even sad upon hearing his father has passed away. Alan hasn’t been his father for a long time anyway. He always knew his mother wasn’t the one responsible for him being expelled from his house. She just didn’t do anything to stop it, and that hurt almost just as much. But Donna is here saying she’s sorry, and that she wants to be a part of his life now. Jensen is too fragile after everything that has happened, and he wants nothing more than to turn to his mother for comfort, like he did when he was a child. But too much has happened and he has been too hurt. He needs time to think this through.

So he faces both his mother and sister and breathes in a few times to steady himself. “Look. I don’t hate you. Despite everything, you’re still my family. But I can’t suddenly forget everything that has happened. That you didn’t stand up for me, and that I had to go through all that shit and will be an addict until I die. I won’t say I forgive you for now, but I won’t shut you out. I’m going through a lot right now, Jared is still in the hospital and it has been hard.” Jensen walks to the counter and writes his number down on a piece of paper, handing it to his mother. “This is my phone number. If you want… you can call me. I’m not making any promises here, but I can try. Just… give me some time, please.”

Donna takes it, nodding and giving her son a teary smile. She tentatively steps forward and raises a hand, gently touching Jensen’s cheek. He doesn’t jerk away and lets her have at it, but he doesn’t lean into it, either.

“Thank you baby, thank you so much. I’ll be in touch, I promise.”

At that, Donna and Mackenzie leave, and Jensen finally breaks down, a storm of emotion hitting him at once.

Jared has to insist that Jensen tells him what’s bothering him so much. He had asked if it was about him, if after the shock Jensen was finally coming to his senses and was feeling upset with the things Jared had done. It hurt Jensen to see that Jared still thought it was his fault, and it would obviously take some time for him to convince his boyfriend otherwise.

“It’s not you, Jay…”, Jensen says as he plays with Jared’s long fingers, not able to meet his eyes. “Just that some stuff happened, but you’re already going through a lot, and I don’t wanna burden you with more crap.”

Jared reaches out and places a finger under Jensen’s chin, tilting his head up, and forcing his boyfriend to look at him. “You’re not gonna bother me, Jen. If we are together in this, we need to trust each other with everything. Please tell me what happened.”

A tear escapes Jensen’s eye. “My mom and sister, they… came to pay me a visit.”

Jensen tells Jared everything that happened, and by the end he’s crying openly. “I’m just not sure what to feel Jay, they hurt me so much, but they are my family… I want to believe my mom when she tells me she’s sorry and that she wants me in her life again, but at the same time I can’t forget all the shit I went through because of them.”

Jared sighs, and squeezes Jensen’s hand. “I’m so sorry all of this happened. But at the end of the day, they are your family, Jen. Your mother reached out to you, and she’s trying. I’m not saying you should forgive her right now, but you can take small steps. When she calls, talk to her, you guys should learn about each other’s lives again. It won’t be easy but if you’re open to it, you can get your family back.”

Jensen places a kiss on Jared’s temple. He doesn’t add that his family now is Jared and that’s enough for him. But maybe his boyfriend is right, and it’s time to bond with his mother again. Maybe they can do it.

Rehabilitation is not easy for Jared. Now that he’s facing the aftermath of his kidnapping head on, and the damage it has done to his body, it’s really starting to affect him. He can’t move his legs, he can barely feel them, and it’s an awful feeling. The doctor had told him the prospects were good, that with physical therapy he could regain some mobility, but Jared is skeptical. He knows he’s only been working with the therapist for a little over a week, but nothing has changed and he feels helpless and afraid.

What if nothing changes? What if he can never walk again and has to spend his life in a wheelchair? What would become of his life then? And there’s Jensen… Jensen is so loving, caring and beautiful, he’s just starting to get his life back. He doesn’t deserve a broken boyfriend, who had to do those awful things and Jensen had to watch it, maybe he’s reminded of it everyday when he has to look at Jared. Maybe Jensen is too kind to dump Jared right now, because he’s still in the hospital.

And then there’s the whole no walking thing, Jared is going home soon in a wheelchair and he’ll be a burden to Jensen. He knows it. Jensen doesn’t deserve having to take care of his useless boyfriend just because he was stupid and weak enough to get kidnapped.

Jared had suggested to Jensen that he probably should go back to his parent’s house while he’s recovering, but Jensen blatantly refused, even surprising Jared a little, begging for Jared to come home with him.

“Please, Jay. Don’t leave me now, please. I could never be without you, we’ll get through this together, I promise! Just please stay with me.”

Jensen had sounded so broken and sincere, Jared couldn’t say no to that, even when his mother suggested Jared went to Austin, he told them no because he couldn’t do that to Jensen. But he knew, deep down, that his boyfriend would end up realizing what a burden he has become. He was still too overwhelmed with everything that had happened. Things would change with time.

Jared is released from the hospital two weeks later, to continue his program as an outpatient. He was able to regain a little bit of movement over the last couple of weeks, but as predicted, he’s leaving in a wheelchair. Jensen can see how that’s affecting his boyfriend, and Jensen hates knowing there’s nothing he can do.

Gerry has given Jared and Jensen the older of his two cars. He insisted, saying they were going to need it, so Jensen could drive Jared wherever he needed to go. Jensen had been working on getting a driver’s license again for the past weeks because he knew he was gonna have some driving duty. The doctor had suggested Jared should be admitted to a rehab facility for a few months, but he (and Jensen) had refused. Jared had said the last thing he wanted was to be stowed away at another hospital for months, away from everyone. So they decided he’d go to his therapy sessions 5 days a week, for the whole day. Jensen would drive him in the morning and go to work, picking up Jared in the afternoon.

It sounded like a great plan to Jensen, but Jared was still looking bummed with the prospect of going home, so Jensen decided to give his boyfriend some space. He was going through a lot at the moment.

Jensen drives Jared home himself, since he had refused to have it any other way. He had asked their friends to wait a few days before coming to visit Jared at home, so he could adapt to everything there first. Jared had been quiet as Jensen pushed the chair out of the hospital to the parking lot, and wouldn’t meet Jensen’s eyes when he helped Jared into the passenger seat.

Jared doesn’t say a word on the drive home, he just looks broodily out the window, and as the silence stretches Jensen grabs Jared’s hand and laces their fingers together. Jared’s hand doesn’t move at first, but as Jensen kisses his knuckles, Jared squeezes back, his eyes still on the road. Jensen can only hope things end up okay.

Sherri and Megan are both waiting as Jensen pushes Jared into their apartment. He couldn’t get out of that one. Both of them hug Jared, and he even smiles at them a little. They had cooked lunch for them, but Jared doesn’t finish his plate. Considering Jared’s usual appetite, Jensen is worried. But he decides to cut him some slack, hoping that it will improve soon.

Jensen manages to send Megan and Sherri away after a couple of hours, saying that Jared needs some rest, and his boyfriend sends him a grateful look. Then Jared spends the afternoon trying to learn how to get around the house and resting for most of the evening. Both of them watch old reruns on TV, sitting pressed together on the couch and it feels nice. After Jensen helps Jared take a shower, with the plastic chair he had placed there, he carefully carries Jared to the bed, under half hearted protests from his boyfriend that he can do it by himself, and they lie together facing each other. Jensen tears up when he takes a good look at Jared’s beautiful face so close to him, in their bed again.

“What are you crying for you doofus?” Jared asks with a small smile.

“I just can’t believe we’re here together again. I almost lost you, Jay.” Jensen answers, running a finger down Jared’s cheek.

Neither of them say anything else, they just stare deeply into each other’s eyes. It doesn’t matter what happens next, Jensen knows that as long as he has this, it’s gonna be alright.

A few days pass, and they fall into a routine of sorts. As they had discussed, Jensen leaves Jared at the center in the morning and goes to work, picking him back up when his shift is over. He had talked Jim into giving him longer shifts, he needs all the money he can get. He has gone back to do some gigs with the band, and Chad keeps Jared company while he’s gone during those nights. He wouldn’t mind bringing Jared along, but he has a feeling Jared wouldn’t be too thrilled, at least not yet.

Their friends have started visiting, trying to get Jared to cheer up, specially Chad with his endless babbling. Jared laughs and talks to them, but Jensen can see that underneath it, he’s not himself. In fact, as the days pass, Jared withdraws more and more into himself. He goes through his motions, does what he’s supposed to do, Jensen helps him when needed, but he can’t help but feeling that Jared is becoming more and more distant. And that scares the shit out of Jensen. He has tried to give Jared his space after all the shit he went through. Hell, he hasn’t even kissed Jared on the lips once since the kidnapping, and even though he aches to do it, to touch Jared like he wants to, he holds himself back, he needs to be the strong one here and give his boyfriend the time he needs to heal and do things at his own pace.

But even though Jared’s physical condition is improving very slowly - he’s regaining some more feeling and movements in his legs - his state of mind isn’t. It’s like Jared’s body is there but his mind is absent. He has been distancing himself from Jensen, very subtly, but it’s there. Jensen waits a few more days, maybe it’s something in his head, but it doesn’t get better, it gets worse.

Jared doesn’t talk to Jensen more than he has to, the rides to and from the center are dead silent, and it gets to the point where Jared doesn’t touch Jensen when they settle in their bed to sleep. Jensen can’t deal with this anymore, watching his beloved boyfriend slipping through his fingers. He’s not gonna sit by and let it happen.

Jensen waits until they are back home after a long day. He makes lasagna for dinner, Jared’s favorite, and it’s ready shortly after his boyfriend is out of the shower. They eat in a silence that is almost uncomfortable, and Jensen can’t take it anymore. It’s not supposed to be like this between them, they went through so much to be where they are now, and against all odds they are both still here. So no, this ends tonight, they have to talk.

As they finish the lasagna, Jensen takes the dirty plates to the kitchen. When he comes back, Jared is still at the table, looking a bit lost. Jensen takes a deep breath and lays a soft hand on Jared’s shoulder. He flinches, it’s almost imperceptible but it hurts Jensen nonetheless. He pretends not to notice though, and gives Jared’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“Hey Jay… I wanted to talk to you for a bit… what do you say we sit down on the couch so we’re more comfortable?”

Jared looks up and Jensen can see panic in his eyes. But it lasts for only a moment, as Jared nods and wheels himself towards the couch. He waits for Jensen to sit down and then transfers himself to the couch, leaving a gap between them. Jensen doesn’t think about it too much as he starts talking before he loses his nerve.

“Jay… I just want to know what’s happening with you.” He starts in a small voice.

Jared’s eyes go wide instantly, and he turns his head away, not meeting Jensen’s eyes. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about Jen, I… I’m just tired from all the rehab sessions, that’s all.”

Jensen reaches out and grabs Jared’s hand. It feels like Jared is going to pull his hand away, but apparently he changes his mind. He doesn’t move it, though.

“Jay… don’t pretend it’s nothing please. The way you’ve been acting lately…. I know you’ve been through a lot, still are, but I feel like you’re distancing yourself from me. It’s like you’re here but you’re not really. I see you everyday, but I still miss you. I want to give you space, but I wish you wouldn’t shut me out either.”

Jensen knows he sounds desperate but he doesn’t care one bit. He’s on the verge of tears but he manages to hold his own. Jared is quiet for a while, his head bowed. When he hears a faint sniff, he realizes Jared is crying, his eyes hidden behind his messy bangs. Jared reaches out and places a gentle hand on Jared’s chin, lifting his head. Jared’s eyes are red and he won’t meet Jensen’s gaze.

“Jay, talk to me please. Whatever it is, we can work it out together, I promise.”

When Jared finally looks at Jensen, his lips quiver and more tears fall down.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Jared’s voice is so low, Jensen is sure he has heard it wrong.

“What did you say, Jay?” He tries to sound as gentle as possible, even though he feels like he’s about to panic.

“I… I’m so scared, Jen. Not because of what happened, but because you don’t want me anymore.”

Jensen is so shocked when he hears those words, his hand falls from where it has been touching Jared’s face, and he stares at his boyfriend with his mouth agape.

“Jared… why in hell would you ever think I don’t want you?”

Jared averts his eyes again, wiping his face on his sleeve. When he speaks, his head is lowered again. “You haven’t touched me since I woke up in the hospital. You kiss my forehead, my temple, but never my mouth. You grab my hand but a good friend would do that. We haven’t been… intimate in a long time and I know it’s because of what I did. I understand you wouldn’t want to touch or kiss me after what I did with that woman… I know you said you liked that I was gonna be only yours and that changed... it just hurts so damn much, that’s all. But I get it, I do.”

Jensen can’t fight back his tears anymore. He never would have thought this is what was troubling his boyfriend, the feeling that he was unwanted. He thought Jared needed space and that backfired. So, he closes the gap between Jared and him, placing both hands on his face and making him look at him, again. Jensen dries the tears on his cheeks with his thumbs and Jared leans into his hand.

“Jay… how would you even think that I wouldn’t want you because of what happened to you?”

“I don’t know, I… I feel so dirty, it’s like I cheated on you, and you don’t deserve that, I…”

Jensen cuts Jared off, he can’t hear this anymore.

“Jay, please stop it. I’ve said this already, it wasn’t your fault. You were forced to do something you didn’t want to do, you had a gun pointed at your head, you never cheated on me. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine, I… Stephen is my cousin, Jay. The only reason he took you was to affect me. He made it pretty clear that he wanted to teach me a lesson, that you had taken me down the wrong path, that I had turned gay because of you. Everything that happened is because of me, Jay! If we hadn’t met, none of this would be happening, you would be safe and wouldn’t have to suffer through so much shit!”

Jared timidly takes Jensen’s hand that still rests on his face and holds it tight, lowering them both.

“Jen, listen to me. You didn’t kidnap me, you didn’t beat me up and make me do things I didn’t wanna do. So no, this isn’t your fault. Your cousin is crazy, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Yes, it was horrible and I still have nightmares, it hurts so much, but I would never blame you. In fact, if I was given the choice between finding you and go through all of this, or never seeing you again and therefore not facing this… there isn’t really an option here, Jen. If this is the price I have to pay for having you in my life again, I’ll gladly pay it.” Jared lets go of Jensen’s hand and looks away from him. “I just don’t see why you would want to be with me anymore Jensen, I… Look at me now, I’m a fucking burden.” Jared makes a motion to show his whole body. “I can’t walk right now and we don’t know if I’ll be able to do so again. I’m not as I used to be, I’m a mess and I’m broken, it isn’t fair that you have to be with someone like me, Jen, I understand, I just don’t know how I…”

This time Jensen cuts Jared off with a kiss. It’s a gentle kiss, just lips touching like the first kiss they shared, when they didn’t know their real identities, but it’s the best thing Jensen has ever tasted. He has missed Jared’s lips so much, they taste salty and like Jared, and god he doesn’t need anything else, ever. Jared melts into the kiss, his hands resting on Jensen’s hips and he lets out a heavy sigh. When they break apart Jensen smiles at Jared.

“Before I say anything, I have something to confess.” Jensen says, caressing Jared’s cheek. Jared frowns, and Jensen says he’ll be right back before running to their bedroom. Jensen opens Jared’s drawer and picks up his notebook. He knows this can go badly, Jared has every right to be all kinds of mad with him for invading his privacy like that, but Jared needs to know, he must understand and Jensen doesn’t want to hide this from his boyfriend.

Jensen slowly returns to the living room, taking his place beside Jared. When he sees what Jensen is holding, his expression turns shocked and he opens his mouth to speak, but before he has a chance to, Jensen interrupts him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Jay please, lemme explain first. When I’m done you can yell at me as much as you want. You know… that day, when I came home from work and you weren’t here, I knew something was wrong. The hours passed, and you didn’t arrive. My heart was aching, I knew deep down that you weren’t okay, I didn’t know where you were and it was unbearable. I waited all night long and you were still gone. Then Stephen called, making fun of the fact he had you and god, Jay… I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I went through the motions. If the guys hadn’t brought me food, I wouldn’t have eaten, I simply didn’t care. Nothing made sense anymore, not without you, specially knowing you were suffering.

“The day Stephen sent the video… watching what he made you do, seeing the gun pointed at your head and the pain written in your face… I lost it, Jay. I got truly and deeply desperate. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I felt the need for the comfort of drugs, so strongly, I thought I was gonna die if I didn’t have my meth right away. I wasn’t myself, I was once again that lost dude living in the streets without any perspective. I started searching around the house, I don’t know what for exactly, but I was blind. And then, I went to our bedroom for the first time in days, I… I had to sleep in Chad’s old room because it was too much for me. Anyway, I opened your drawer and I saw this notebook. I knew it was wrong, it’s your private stuff, but Jay, I needed something, anything that got me closer to you. I opened it, and I saw your handwriting, a 11 year old’s handwriting saying he had met me at the camp, and then I broke down. I had to read everything, feel you close to me again, and every word I read was like a deep comfort, a way of knowing you were always with me. And somehow, that brought me back to reality, and I knew I had to be strong, I couldn’t give in, because of you. You saved me, you had faith in me and now you needed me, and I wanted to be strong for you. This notebook was my lifesaver, it was what kept me from going under. Even when you weren’t here, you saved me once again.

“You are the only thing that makes sense in my life Jay, I love you so much.” There are tears running freely down Jensen’s face and he doesn’t fight them. He smiles when he sees the look on Jared’s face, from shocked to emotional. He sets the notebook aside and grabs both his hands.

“Remember when I saw myself as only a homeless junkie, unworthy of your love? You made me see that you loved me for who I was, nevermind the state I was in, you wanted to be with _me_. In any shape, any form. Now I tell you the same thing, Jay. You are the only thing that matters to me, you’re the most important person in the whole world. Finding out you were J.T…. I had already fallen for you, and knowing you were him was the best thing that ever happened to me, I had missed you so much, I dreamed over and over about meeting you again. I’ll never, as long as I live, want anyone else. You mean everything to me, I'm with you, every step of the way and I'll never leave you. I don't care. I don’t care if you stay in this wheelchair forever, if you have to use crutches or even if you were stuck in a bed. I do not care Jared, you hear me? I love you, in any shape, any way. I want you to get better because of _you_ , not me. I know you’re suffering, and I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat if I could.”

Jared scoffs through his tears. “I’d never let you do it.”

“I'd do it in your sleep then. Believe me Jay. I need you. You're it for me. Without you, I... Jay, I was there when your heart stopped beating, twice. You have no idea what that was like. When I thought I had lost you, I don’t know… All I know for sure is that I wouldn't be able to go on if you were gone.”

Jared looks at Jensen with haunted eyes and squeezes his hands. “Jen please don't say that.”

“No Jared, it's true. You know, being beaten up by my dad, getting kicked out, living on the streets, hitting rock bottom, seeing the worst of humanity, all of this... nothing even comes close to what I felt when I thought I had lost you. You saved me, in all the ways there is. If you had... died, I’d be right behind you. And I have never been more serious about anything in my life. I want you to understand once and for all that I love you more than anything, ever, and the only thing that would make me leave was if you kicked me out. And even then, I’d fight you hard.

“All I ask is for you to let me help you. Don’t shut me out anymore, please. Lemme take care of you for once, I want to do for you what you did for me. Gimme a chance to help you, my boy. You’re here but I miss you so much. Lemme be there for you, please.”

Jared doesn’t answer, he just studies Jensen for a moment before launching himself into his arms. Jensen grabs him and holds Jared tight, as close to his body as he can, as his boyfriend sobs into his arms. Jensen lets him, he rubs a soothing hand up and down his broad back as Jared gets Jensen’s shirt all wet, but he doesn’t care. Jensen sheds his own tears as he feels Jared’s warm body against his and he finally feels alive again, it’s like finally letting out a deep breath, after so fucking long.

When they finally pull away, a long time later, Jared’s face is blotchy and wet, and Jensen bets he looks the same, but he doesn’t care.

“Jen, I’m sorry for how I acted, it’s just that everything is so new and scary, and… I don’t know.”

Jensen presses their foreheads together. “You don’t have to apologize, never for this, love. Apparently we are both sorry for a lot of things, but I think now it’s time we leave it behind and begin again, and start to heal. The only important thing is that we stay together.”

Jared nods. “I only want you, always you. I don’t care about anything else, if you are here with me. You know… I don’t care if I can’t walk straight anymore. On those nights when I prayed for God to put you back in my life, I promised that if He did, I’d never ask for anything else, and I will hold on to that. I have you, and that’s the only thing that matters to me.” Jared closes his eyes for a long time. “God I’m so tired.”

Jensen doesn’t think twice as he places a hand on Jared’s back and another behind his knees, lifting him up.

“What you’re doing?” Jared tries to sound annoyed, but doesn’t succeed.

“Carrying my boyfriend to our bed, because I’m super strong and a gentleman.” Jensen replies, as he walks both of them to the bedroom. He gently places Jared on the bed and helps him out of his clothes, getting rid of his own as well, and lies down in bed next to Jared. He wraps an arm around Jared and smiles at him.

“This is much better.” Jensen says as he places a chaste kiss on Jared’s mouth.

“I missed you.” Jared responds, just inches from Jensen’s face. “I want to b-be with you, I just think I need a little more time.”

Jensen smiles and brings Jared closer. He rests his head on Jensen’s chest as they settle down for the night, and Jensen kisses the top of Jared’s head.

“It’s okay my boy. All we have is time.”


	21. Chapter 21

It’s not easy, but it does get better. After the talk with Jensen, Jared feels as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He had been feeling so unsure, believing Jensen could leave him any moment, after all, he was a broken man. He had slowly distanced himself from Jensen, because Jared had this crazy idea that it would hurt less when Jensen eventually left him. Deep down he knew it was useless, if Jensen did leave him Jared wouldn’t be able to go on and that was it. He had no idea what would have become of him, but it wouldn’t be good, that’s for sure. Jared had learned to be strong and accept the shit that was thrown at him, but the only thing he couldn’t handle was to lose Jensen again.

But after their talk, and their strong connection was restored, he feels much lighter. The reassurance that Jensen is here to stay, that he loves Jared no matter what, and doesn’t plan on leaving him ever, is the only thing Jared needs to be content. He had been honest with Jensen, Jared wasn’t too worried if he was going to be able walk on his own or not, as long as he had Jensen with him. He had made a promise, he wasn’t gonna ask for anything if he got Jensen back and he means it. He can handle anything that is thrown his way, because Jensen is his strength and Jared knows he will be okay no matter what.

Jared still has ups and downs, still doubts himself, but Jensen is always there, helping him as Jared helped Jensen not too long ago. Jared feels that Jensen not only wants to, but that he needs to help, not only for Jared but for himself too. That he feels he has to be the strong one now, and for that Jared is grateful because if he’s honest, he truly needs it. Jared’s emotions have been a wreck ever since this all started, and Jensen has been his rock, his anchor. Ever since he woke up in the hospital, feeling scared and lost, Jensen has been there by his side and his mere presence was more medicine than everything else was. Jared has been seeing a shrink ever since, and it does help, but the love and support his boyfriend gives him is the most important thing. Jared even lets Jensen do more for him than he actually needs, he can give his boyfriend that for now because he feels Jensen needs it. And he’s gonna do the impossible to be completely worthy of Jensen’s love. Jared hopes he can get there someday.

Jared finally agrees to go to one of the band’s gigs. He still isn’t comfortable in crowded places. He feels self conscious with being seen in a wheelchair, especially since he used to be so much taller than everyone else and now feels so small, but he knows he needs to start getting over it. People will always stare and he can’t stay locked inside forever. Jared knows that every night that Jensen leaves to play with the guys, he wishes nothing more than for Jared to come with him. So far he has declined, the prospect of staying home chilling by himself or with Chad, is far more appealing than making the effort to go out.

But it’s Friday night, his parents and sister had come to spend the weekend in Dallas with him, it’s the first time he has seen them since he came home, and seeing as Jensen has a gig Jared thought he should ask his family if they wanted to come. He knows they are trying, his father is surprisingly accepting them, going as far as giving them one of his cars so they could get around easily, and his mother is trying to come around. Jared knows it’s not easy for her, but he appreciates the effort. Sometimes when they talk on the phone, she asks how Jensen is doing, and for that he’s grateful. He hopes that one day she can fully accept his relationship with Jensen as a natural thing. He’s starting to believe she can get there. It’s amazing what change can happen when you’re faced with the prospect of losing a person you love.

They had agreed to meet at the bar, since Jared’s family had arrived at their hotel kind of late. So Jared rides with Jensen, he’s nervous as hell but Jensen holds his hand all the way to Fitzsimons. Another reason for Jared to be nervous is the bar itself, it’s where they met Stephen and it all went to shit, but Jared knows he must suck it up and face his fears. Fitz is his territory, where he gets to hang out with his friends and watch his love play. Plus, Stephen is locked up and it’s all gonna be fine.

When they arrive, Jensen helps Jared out of the car and into the chair, but Jared doesn’t let his boyfriend push him. Instead, they go side by side, Jensen with a hand gently resting on Jared’s shoulder. When they enter the bar, their usual table at the front of the stage is already taken by their friends, who all get up to greet both of them. They all lean down to hug Jared, everyone stating how happy they are for him to finally join them. Jared blushes but gives his friends a small smile. He knows how much they worry and care about him, and he’s very grateful. They all make room for Jared to accommodate himself at the table, and as Jensen kisses him and announces he’s going backstage to prepare for the gig, Jared settles down and asks Chad to go get him a Coke, he can’t drink yet because he’s still on his meds.

Jared’s family arrive about 10 minutes later, Megan gives him a big hug, followed by his father, who is kinda awkward because he has to lean over to hug Jared and his mother, who has tears in her eyes when she takes him in.

“I’m so glad to see you again baby, thank you for inviting us tonight, we know it means a lot to you.” Sherri kisses the top of Jared’s hair and he smiles. It’s good to have his momma back, bit by bit. The lights go off and the band takes the stage. Everyone claps including Jared, who has just realized how much he has missed seeing Jensen being sexy hot on stage.

Jensen takes the mic and looks down at him, giving a small wink. Jared smiles hugely, his dimples popping, and he realises that it’s has been awhile since that has happened too. It feels good.

“Good night everyone!” Jensen looks down at the crowd as he greets them. “I want to thank you all for coming tonight, we are the Raising Kane and we’re gonna rock your world!” Everyone cheers, but Jensen goes on. “This is a special night for me, and I would like to dedicate this whole gig to the most important person in the whole world to me, who has given me the honor of coming here tonight and making me a very happy man. So let’s make this a night to remember!”

The band starts playing, and Jared is so grateful, not only for Jensen’s words, but for the fact that he didn’t address him directly or point to him, he knows how Jared does not want any attention on him at the moment. It’s not possible, but Jared loves Jensen a little bit more for that.

The gig is awesome, Jensen is very inspired tonight and the band definitely does make it a night to remember. Jared really enjoys himself, he sings every song he knows and even tries to mumble the words on the ones he doesn’t. He hasn’t felt so carefree in such a long time, and it feels awesome. He’s so glad he came tonight. The only downside is that he can’t get up to give the band a standing ovation with everyone else, but he pushes the thought aside. Hopefully he’ll be able to do it soon, and if he doesn’t, he’s not gonna lose sleep over it when he has so many great things going on.

When the guys come from backstage to their table, Jensen kneels beside Jared and gives his boyfriend a bone crushing hug.

“I’m so glad you came tonight, it means a lot to me.” Jensen whispers in Jared’s ear, and he smiles.

“Well, I need to show the groupies who the hot stuff on stage belongs to.”

Jensen presses a chaste kiss on Jared’s lips, both very aware of their audience, and takes the seat next to Jared. The night goes by smoothly, they all get food and drinks, Jared’s family says goodnight right after dinner is finished, claiming it’s late and they will meet again for lunch tomorrow. Everyone else stays for a while, chatting, laughing and drinking (except for Jared and Jensen), and it’s good. Jared feels relaxed and happy, and it’s a relief to realize he’s slowly getting back to normal. It’s gonna take time, but he will get there.

On Sunday night, Jared and Jensen are being lazy just sitting on the couch watching whatever is on TV. Jared’s family has left a couple hours ago for Austin, and it feels good to be alone with Jared again. Not that Jensen didn’t enjoy the company, Jared’s parents are really working on accepting Jared’s lifestyle and his relationship with Jensen, and he knows how important it is for Jared to have his family’s support, especially after everything that has happened. It was a good weekend all in all, but Jensen is selfish and wants his boyfriend all to himself.

At the moment Jared is lying on the couch with his feet on Jensen’s lap. Jensen is giving them a massage as Jared wriggles his toes as much as he can. Ever since he started to get some of his movement back, he’s constantly doing it.

When Jensen’s phone rings it startles both of them. Jensen picks it up from the coffee table, it is an unknown number that seems to be international. He gets up from the couch, gently placing Jared’s legs on it, because apparently he can’t speak on the phone while sitting down, and answers it.

“Hello?”

“Jensen?” He frowns when he hears the voice. He doesn’t know who this is, it sounds vaguely familiar, even though he can’t place it.

“Yes, this is him. Who is this?”

“Oh God.” The person on the other side says in a choked voice, as if holding back tears. Now Jensen is seriously curious to know who the hell it is, but he doesn’t even need to ask. “This is Josh.”

His brother. Jesus Christ. Now it’s Jensen who has to hold down a sob, he hasn’t talked to his brother in so long. They had always been close, Jensen had always looked up to Josh, and when everything fell apart and Jensen left home abruptly, he didn’t know which side his brother was on. He was off to college and they didn’t talk anymore, Jensen kept his distance even when he was living with his aunt, because he didn’t want Josh to see the disgrace he had become. His brother was the typical poster kid, everything their parents dreamed about, and Jensen was the pariah. He never knew how his brother felt.

“Jensen? You there?” Josh says, and Jensen snaps out of it and back to the present. “Yeah, I’m here.” His voice is strained, he’s trying really hard not to break down right now. He thinks of something to say but Josh starts talking first.

“God, Jensen I can’t believe I’m finally talking to you. When mom told me she had found you, I couldn’t believe it. It took me weeks to gather up the courage to call because I’m such a wuss, but oh my God it’s you. Jensen you have no idea how I’ve missed you and how long I’ve tried to find you.”

“You did?” Jensen is shocked to hear that, he thought his brother would be a younger copy of his father, but he’s saying that he actually cares about him.

“Of course! It took me a long time to find out why you really left home, and when I learnt that our father had kicked you out and the reason behind it, I was beyond furious. I tried to reason with him, but he was set on his beliefs. So we drifted apart until there was no contact between us. I couldn’t stay close to a father who kicks out his own son because of who he is. Throughout the years I tried everything I could to find you, but it was like you had disappeared into thin air. I finally gave up a few years ago, trying to accept the idea that you must be dead. And now you have reappeared and I can’t tell you how much that means to me, Jen.”

Jensen can’t fight back his tears anymore as he sinks down on the coffee table. He hadn’t noticed that Jared had sat up and is now leaning close to him, a hand on his knee showing support. Jared has a frown on his face since he has no clue as to who Jensen is talking to, so he manages to mouth ‘it’s my brother’, and Jared squeezes his knee, not saying a word.

“I… I don’t know what to say.” His voice wavers, strong emotions welling up inside him. “So much has happened in all these years, I thought you all hated me. Sorry I disappeared. I miss you too, Josh.” He pinches the bridge of his nose and grabs Jared’s hand, holding it tight.

“We have a lot to talk about, little bro. Years to catch up on. For now, I’m just glad we have found each other again. So tell me, how are you now?”

Jensen manages to laugh between his tears, such a casual question but holding so much meaning. “I’m good. I’ve been through a lot, but I’m trying to build my life now. I have Jared, who’s my boyfriend, and he has helped me through it all. We’re fighting the fight together and that’s what matters. What about you? Are you calling from an international number?”

“I’m glad to hear you are doing good and have a special someone. I sure want to meet Jared, you bet! And yes Jen, I live in England now, in Manchester, to be more specific. As I said, things weren’t good with dad and mom wasn’t much help either, so I got a scholarship to study abroad and here I stayed. I have a wife and a kid now, his name is William and he’s three years old. You’ll love him Jen! I’m planning on visiting soon, especially now that I know you’re in Dallas, and then we can finally meet again.”

The brothers talk a little more, about their lives and Josh’s family. They agree to videochat soon, and Josh writes down Jensen’s email so he can send his brother pictures of his son and wife, making Jensen promise to send a picture of him and Jared as well.

When he hangs up, Jensen feels emotionally drained, and he falls into Jared’s arms, who holds him tight as he cries. He tries to weakly protest that he should be the one comforting Jared, but his boyfriend tells him to shut up. It felt so good to talk to his brother after so long, and only now has Jensen realized how much he truly missed Josh. He feels so relieved to be able to get back in touch with him, a person from his family who never did any harm to him. He wishes Josh was in Dallas so he could go see him now, give his brother a hug. But they can talk face to face soon and he’s coming to visit. He knows things won’t be as easy with his mother, because he has been hurt too much, but he’s really happy to have his big brother back.

A couple of weeks later, Jensen picks Jared up from rehab and they go straight home. Jared can see his boyfriend is tired, must have been a long day. Jensen has been working a lot for the past few weeks, and Jared feels bad because he can’t work right now, even though Jensen has made clear he doesn’t mind at all and he feels good to be the provider for a change. Jared understands but it still sucks. He hopes that when his rehabilitation ends, he is able to find something he can do. Right now he’s trying to catch up on his studies, his professors and classmates have been sending him what he has missed and he’s been using his free time to study. He’s lucky the university was very understanding of his situation and allowed him to study at home and take his tests at the end of the semester, so he can graduate along with his class. At least Jared doesn’t feel totally useless.

But tonight, he has a surprise for Jensen and he hopes it will brighten up the mood of his boyfriend at least a bit. After Jared showers, he sits on the couch and waits for Jensen to finish his own. When he comes to the living room, Jared calls him.

“Hey Jen… would you come here? I wanna show you something.”

Jensen approaches him with a frown on his face, trying to find something different in Jared and obviously finding nothing.

“What is it babe?”

Jared makes Jensen stand in front of himself, and he grabs his forearms with his two hands, keeping a strong hold.

“Hold me tight, okay?” Jared asks, and using his boyfriend’s strength, Jared slowly pushes himself up. It’s freaking hard, he just managed to do it for the first time today at the rehab center and it had drained him then. But he wanted to show his boyfriend, and it’s worth it just for the look on Jensen’s face right now. Jared is not really standing on his own, he’s using Jensen’s arms as a support like he used the parallel bars earlier, but it’s something. He’s sweating and panting from the exertion, but when he looks at Jensen, Jared smiles. His boyfriend is staring at him in awe, his mouth agape, like this is the most awesome thing he has ever seen.

“What do you think, Jen?” Hearing Jared’s voice seems to get Jensen out of his trance. He blinks a few times and looks Jared up and down, a huge smile spreading over his face.

“Oh my God Jay, I can’t believe it! You’re up, this is so fucking awesome! When did this happen, why didn’t you tell me before?” Jensen’s eyes are shining and Jared knows he’s not really mad.

“It was just today, and I wanted to surprise you. But right now I really need to sit down because it’s tiring as fuck”

Jensen gently helps Jared sit back on the couch and kneels down in front of him, running a hand through Jared’s hair.

“Jay, this is fantastic, I’m so proud of you. You’ve made so much progress, I’m sure you’ll take your first steps soon enough!”

Jared smiles fondly at Jensen. “I hope so. It feels damn good to be up for a change, even if it’s for a small period of time, and I can’t do it on my own yet. But it’s nice.”

Jensen leans over and presses a lingering kiss on Jared’s mouth. “Damn right it’s nice!”

Jared smiles into the kiss. “I was kinda hoping you weren’t too hungry though… Because I was wondering if you were up to a small celebration tonight.”

Jensen backs down and stares at his boyfriend, and Jared feels suddenly shy as he looks down, his cheeks burning.

“Is this what I think it is?”

Jared shrugs, still not meeting Jensen’s eyes. “If you’re up to it.”

Jensen doesn’t answer, he just picks Jared up and slowly carries him to their bedroom. Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s neck and plants small kisses on his neck. Jensen walks faster.

He gently puts Jared at the center of the bed, kneeling between his legs and looking serious, staring deep into Jared’s eyes.

“You’re sure you wanna do this, babe? You’ve been through a lot, we can wait as long as you want, you know that.”

Jared grabs Jensen’s shirt and brings him down, kissing him with passion, allowing himself to get lost in it for the first time in a while. He has been so guarded, waiting to heal first so he could completely let go with Jensen, but he realized he doesn’t need to wait. Being with Jensen is the best healing process in the world.

“I’m sure.” He mumbles into Jensen’s mouth. “Oh my God Jen, I need you so much it hurts. Be with me tonight, please.”

So Jensen does. He undresses both of them very slowly, worshiping every part of Jared’s body. There are two burn marks on Jared’s torso, one on his right sternum and another below his left nipple. They are from the defibrillator, when the doctors were desperately trying to resuscitate him. Jared feels kind of self conscious about those marks, they are sort of ugly, but Jensen takes his time planting kisses on both.

“They are what brought you back to life, Jay.” Jensen whispers as if reading his thoughts, and his voice is almost reverent. As he trails down, Jared wonders again how it was for Jensen to almost lose him. Actually, Jared doesn’t have to imagine, he was there himself when Jensen’s heart wasn’t beating, he was the one who desperately tried to bring him back to life. So both of them know very clearly what is like to almost lose the other. Jared doesn’t want to be on either end, ever again.

When Jensen’s mouth wraps around the pulsing head of Jared’s cock, he sees stars. God it has been so long, and he is just now realizing just how much he missed it. Jensen takes his time licking up his shaft and around the head, swallowing him down until Jared’s dick hits the back of his throat. Jared doesn’t last long though, when Jensen gently massages his balls and presses a finger in Jared’s hole, he lets go, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back. Jensen swallows it all. He moves up, kissing Jared passionately as he coats his fingers with the lube he had picked up and works his fingers inside Jared. He stares at his boyfriend again, as if looking for any signs of discomfort, but there are none.

When Jensen puts a condom and coats his dick with lube, pressing it to Jared’s entrance, he seems unsure.

“Jen, please do it.” Jared’s own dick is coming back to life one more time, and God he needs Jensen. This is definitely the best part of gaining full sensation below his waist again. He can see how much Jensen needs him as well, and he should congratulate his boyfriend on his will power.

“Jay… are you really sure? What happened…”

Jared doesn’t answer, but grabs Jensen’s hips and brings him closer, making his dick slip inside him. Jared understands Jensen’s resistance, after what he witnessed Jared do, he has every right to. But the truth is, Jared needs this to heal. What he was forced to do was horrible, having sex with someone he didn’t want in the slightest, specially with a gun pointed at his head. But he needs to know he can feel pleasure again, that it can be good and make him happy, and he can only have that with Jensen. Jensen was his first and will be his last, and Jared doesn’t want to think about what happened in the middle. He’s more than ready to erase this part from his life and finally heal completely.

As Jensen thrusts into him, slowly and deeply, Jared thinks his heart could burst at any moment. He brings his boyfriend down and kisses him like his life depends on it, as if this will be their last kiss, and from now on, that’s how Jared will treat every kiss they share. He never knows what may happen tomorrow, so he wants to enjoy every second with Jensen.

Jensen grabs Jared’s cock and strokes it together with his thrusts, and Jared comes again right after Jensen does. Jensen collapses half on top of Jared, kissing his neck and the spot behind his ear.

“Thank you.” Jared whispers, not able to prevent a tear from falling. Jensen gently wipes it with his thumb, placing a kiss on the spot.

“No need to thank me. I’m the luckiest man in the word to have you.” They stay like this for a while, cooling down and enjoying the silence. “Do you wanna stay here or do you still want dinner?”

Jared wants to stay, but his stomach chooses this moment to protest, and they laugh. Jensen gets up and brings back a washcloth to clean them both, along with Jared’s chair. He leaves Jared to get himself settled (as he is trying to be more independent) and goes into the kitchen to prepare their food. Jared smiles as he sits up on the bed. Things are getting better, they are gonna be fine, they are together and strong, and Stephen has lost. It’s a great feeling.

_June 3rd, 2007_

_Our love will always win, now I’m sure about it._  
_Thanks for being my source of strength,_  
_my reason to wake up in the morning._  
_Our love prevailed once again._


	22. Chapter 22

Significant things happen over the next weeks. Officer Morgan calls Jared and informs him that Stephen will go to trial over the coming weeks, for kidnapping Jared and putting his life at risk, also because he was wanted for beating up another gay man a week after he took Jared. Jared asks if he’s gonna have to testify, dreading the Officer’s answer because he isn’t sure if he can do it, having to tell everything Stephen did to him again. Morgan tells him he can’t tell him for certain, but it’s likely. Stephen needs all the proof against him, and Jared’s testimony in front of the judge would pretty much settle his sentence. Jared panics a little, but he knows he can be strong if he needs to. If Jensen is with him, he can do anything. He only hopes Stephen is sent to prison for a long time, so he really doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. He really needs to turn this page of his life over, once and for all.

Jensen’s mother has called him a couple times. Those had been draining conversations, Jared saw how affected his boyfriend was when he hung up the phone. He can’t imagine how hard it is to reestablish contact with a mother who did nothing to prevent her son from being kicked out from his house, which led him to a life on the streets, and turning into an addict. It’s not easy for Jensen and Jared doesn’t blame him in the slightest. How can you forgive a mother who did that to her own son? But at the same time, it’s his mother, and she’s trying to make up for it, gaining her son’s love again. But it’s not something that can happen overnight, it’s a long process. But both sides are trying, and Jared is happy for that. Jensen deserves to have a relationship with his family, and even if they made wrong choices in the past, there’s always room for forgiveness.

Jensen had surprised Jared by asking if he’d go with him for lunch with his mom and sister. Jensen had said that his mother asked to see him again, and he had agreed on lunch, especially because she had respected him when she first visited, but his condition was they went to a restaurant, a neutral place so Jensen could leave at any minute if he felt too uncomfortable.

“If this is something you really want to do, and if you really want me there, then of course I’ll go with you Jen.” Jared answered his boyfriend as they were both sitting on the couch.

“I think it’s time.” Jensen took Jared’s hand. “And I wouldn’t be able to do it if you weren’t there with me.”

So they went for lunch. Jensen had chosen a restaurant close to their home, where Jared and him had dined at a couple of times. They arrived a few minutes earlier, so Jared could get settled comfortably at the table and Jensen asked a thousand times if he was okay. They hadn’t gone out much since Jared came home from the hospital, especially since Jared was still self conscious about the wheelchair and people staring.

The waiter had given them a table at the back of the restaurant, away from people passing by, and Jared was situated between the wall and the table, so he was more comfortable. He had told that to Jensen about a thousand times as well. Jensen could be over protective sometimes, with Jared’s current condition, but he didn’t mind. He actually loved it, it made him feel safe and loved.

Lunch had actually been pretty nice. Donna and Mackenzie arrived and it felt awkward when they went to greet the boys. Jensen wasn’t ready for hugs or kisses with his mother yet, so he only shook her hand. She also greeted Jared with a warm handshake, smiling at him fondly, and saying it was very nice to meet him. Jared had felt sincerity coming from her, like she was really trying to be a part of his son and his boyfriend’s life. So Jared smiled back and told Donna it was nice to meet her as well.

Mackenzie, on the other hand, hugged them both. Jensen had been communicating with her as well, who also told him she didn’t hate him, and never really knew why he went away until a few years ago, since it was a forbidden subject at home. Mack had told him she truly supported Jensen and whatever path he chose for his life. She was really excited about meeting Jared as well.

They talked for a while, Donna asking Jared how he was doing and was pleased to know he was making progresses on his recovery. Donna apologized profoundly for Stephen’s actions, telling both of them she had completely cut ties with Stephen’s parents, who didn’t seem too ashamed of his son’s actions, and were trying everything to free him from jail. Donna said that, like the boys, she also hoped he’d go to prison for a long time.

After that, the conversation drifted to safer topics, they talked about life in general, their jobs, Jensen and Jared told them about the clinic and how they met there. Jensen briefly told them how they had met at the summer camp and reunited after all those years, making Donna tear up and very sincerely thank Jared for helping her son start a new life. Jared felt the woman was starting to develop an honest respect towards him and it was a good feeling. They talked about Jared’s family, Josh’s life in England and some of their plans for the future.

When they said their goodbyes, Jensen let Donna give him a quick hug. She had hugged Jared as well.

“Thank you for taking care of my son.” She had whispered in his ear, making Jared’s eyes water a bit. They parted ways with an invitation from Donna for the boys to visit their home. Jensen seemed unsure with the prospect of returning to his old house after so long and what happened there, but he promised to think about it. He also told her they could visit their apartment soon, maybe have dinner there. He just needed a bit more time for that and she understood.

When both of them arrived home, Jensen had cried a bit, but Jared could tell he felt much lighter and even happier. This could really be a fresh start for this family and Jared was glad to see that not only bad things came from running into Stephen. It led both of them to reconnect with their families, and that was more than Jared could ask for.

Jared had slowly been progressing on his rehabilitation. He had finally taken his first shaky steps a couple weeks ago on the parallel bars. It was extremely hard and draining, he was only able to take a few small steps before collapsing on top of his therapist - thankfully he was a strong man. But Jared was very happy for the progress, and it was the first thing he had told Jensen when his boyfriend picked him up later. Jensen had kissed him passionately and taken Jared out for dinner.

From then on, Jared had focused on taking more and more steps, working on his strength and balance. A couple of days ago, he was finally promoted to forearm crutches and that was a huge relief, being able to stand up and (almost) walk around instead of sit down all the time. He was still very slow and he got tired easily - sticking to the wheelchair for long distances - but it was a good change, and Jensen was also out of his mind with happiness, hugging Jared tight for several minutes as he picked him up at the rehab and saw Jared walking towards him.

Earlier today, Jensen had taken Jared to the hospital for more exams, and the doctor told them that the swelling on Jared’s spine had gone down, but he still had an incomplete injury there, meaning that he would much likely be left with partial paralysis on his legs, probably always needing an aid to help him walk.

Jensen had been devastated to hear it, but Jared himself was fine. He had already made a lot of progresses, he was out of the wheelchair and he could get around just fine on his crutches. His therapist had told Jared that he should be able to move around with only one crutch sometime in the future, and Jared was focused on that, the only thing he wanted was one free arm, that would be so much help. He could live with depending on a crutch to walk, a lot of people have much worse. Plus, he’d be able to work, he had great friends and family, and the boyfriend of his dreams. He couldn’t see how he could complain about his life, it didn’t need to be perfect, he only wanted to be happy and he really was the way he was.

When they left the doctor’s office, Jensen had broken down, telling Jared he was sorry and again that it was his fault, and Jared actually had to comfort him, hugging Jensen tight and telling him he was fine. Jensen was quiet on the drive home, slowly walking beside Jared as they made their way into the apartment, and Jensen had excused himself, saying he was tired and was going to take a nap.

Jared had given Jensen time, but he is starting to worry now. He wants to show his boyfriend that he himself is fine with his disability, and he only hopes Jensen is as okay with it as he claimed to be in the past, knowing for sure now that it’s permanent. So he makes his way into their room, and finds Jensen lying down on his back, staring at the ceiling with red eyes. Jared plops down on the side of the bed, and Jensen sits up, not meeting Jared’s eyes.

“Sorry Jay, I just needed some time, I just feel so bad for you. I wish I could go back in time, so I could have protected you more and this wouldn’t have happened, now you have to live like this and…”

Jared can’t take this anymore, as he puts a hand on Jensen’s knee, giving a light squeeze.

“Jen, please listen to me. Really listen to me.” He waits until Jensen meets his eyes. “Look, I’m healthy, I can stand up and get around just fine, I have awesome people around me and above it all, I have you. After everything, I’m alive and I’m here with you, Jensen. I could never ask for more. And I won’t. I promise you I’m perfectly fine the way I am, I’m accepting it and I can live just fine like this, I’m starting to make my peace with my new body. I only need to know if _you_ are fine with this. Now that you know for sure that this is how I’m gonna be like, I want to know if you can handle it, deal with my disability as a part of our lives, because this is how it’s gonna be from now on.”

Now Jared is the one with tears in his eyes, because he has no idea what he’d do if Jensen said he is not okay with it. But Jensen quickly moves on the bed so he’s sitting down next to Jared, and he takes his face between his hands.

“I’ve said it already babe, I don’t care. I meant it before and now. I don’t care what shape you’re in, all I want is you by my side. I’m sad for you, for having to see you going through this and knowing it’s here to stay. But I’m so proud of you, seeing that you’re positive about this, and I promise I’ll get there, for you. All that matters is that we’re together.”

Jared leans forward and kisses Jensen passionately. They don’t get out of the bedroom for a long time that evening.

A week later is Jared’s graduation. He had been wary about going, but Jensen wasn’t having any of it. Jared had struggled to finish the semester, studying at home and Jensen had taken him to the campus to take the final tests. Jared deserved to go to his graduation more than anyone.

In the afternoon, Jared drives Jared to campus for the ceremony. Jensen gives Jared a goodbye kiss and watches him slowly making his way inside. He still has to get used to seeing Jared like this, he’s not there yet, it still hurts but he believes it will get better. If Jared himself can live with it, so can Jensen. He hasn’t lied to Jared, the only thing Jensen needs is him, it doesn’t matter how.

Jensen makes his way towards the sitting area, and soon after everyone else arrives. All of their friends have come, Chad with Sophia, Danni, Milo, Chris and Steve. Jared’s family is also here except for Jeff, who sent a thousand apologies but couldn’t take time off work to fly over to Texas, but made Jensen promise to take a lot of pictures for him.

When Jared’s name is called, he makes his way across the stage, Jensen can see he’s a bit embarrassed for walking on crutches in front of all those people, but their group screams the loudest, Jensen jumping up and down, and even Jared’s classmates cheer for Jared, all knowing what he went through to be here today. Jensen doesn’t even try to hide his tears, he’s so fucking proud of Jared it could burst out of his chest.

They all go to dinner after the ceremony, and Jared is happy and laughing and talking to everyone. Jensen is relieved to see Jared like this, hoping he can always see his boyfriend smiling, which is the best sight in the world. After they make a toast for Jared and he thanks everyone for being there with him, Chris clears his throat.

“Jared, I waited until you were doing better, because I knew you were focusing on your recovery, and also until you were graduated to officially offer you a position as counselor at the clinic. If you’re interested, that is.”

Jensen’s jaw drops, Chris hadn’t said anything to Jensen about this, the bastard. Jared had to cut his internship short because of what happened to him, and they hadn’t talked about it until now. He didn’t think Jared would go back since he was already graduated therefore couldn’t do an internship, but he never imagined that Chris would offer him a real job there. From the look on Jared’s face, this was the last thing he was expecting either.

“Oh my God, are… are you serious? You want me back there?” Jared’s voice is almost a whisper as he stares at Chris like he has grown two heads.

“Of course. You were the best intern we’ve had in a long time. It was awful to lose you like we did, specially for what happened to you. Now you have a degree, and I want you there for real. I know you’re still doing rehab and I’m willing to wait until you’re done, but there’s a spot waiting for you.”

Jared apparently can’t close his mouth anymore. “Oh my God Chris, I can’t believe it! Do you really think I can do it though, I’m kinda stuck like this.”

Chris huffs. “Son, I’m not hiring you to run marathons. It doesn’t matter the shape you’re in, only if your brain is good to go. I’d hire you even if you were still in the chair, that is something I do not care about at all. So what do you say?”

Jared is shocked silent for a few moments, but recovers from it quickly. “Of course I want it! I love the clinic, it holds a lot of good memories and I want to keep helping people, feel useful. It’s gonna be an honor.”

They make another toast to Counselor Jared after that, and Jensen leans over to plant a chaste kiss on Jared’s lips.

“You have no idea how proud I am of you, my boy.” He whispers into Jared’s ear. Jared was right, life is great right now and all they have are reasons to celebrate.

At the end of July, Jensen decides to throw a birthday party for Jared. His boyfriend has been through a lot during the last few months, so he wanted to do something really nice for him. Plus, he’s planning a big surprise for Jared at the party. Jensen knows Jared is doing much better emotionally, but he still has his moments. Learning that your condition is permanent can’t be easy for anyone, and Jared is still adjusting. He has been making more positive progress and the therapist is sure that Jared will be able to get around with just one crutch in a few months time. Jensen knows it’s a big deal for Jared, since he will have one free hand. He can’t stand up on his own though, he needs something to support him, and mostly likely this is how it’s gonna be from now on.

Jared has stopped going to rehab everyday, now he only goes twice a week for a couple of hours. Last week he started working at the clinic again, which lifted his spirits a bit. Jared had told Jensen it makes him feel useful and he gets to do something he loves, which is awesome. But Jensen can see Jared is still a little unsure sometimes, as if he still expects Jensen to back off and leave Jared just because of his new disability, even after all the talks they have had. He hides it the best he can, acting like his old self most of the time, but Jensen knows his boyfriend. And he has a great plan to fix that. Jensen can’t wait.

Jensen puts a lot of effort into the party. He decides to throw it at Chad and Sophia’s place since they have a nice backyard with enough room for everyone. Chad is the only one who knows Jensen’s real intentions with the party, Jensen thought it was only fair because Chad is lending the space and helping with everything but he made his friend swear not to say a single word. Jensen has contacted Jared’s family to invite them, and he made sure Jeff was able to make it as well. He had to wait a little more than a week after Jared’s real birthday to throw the party because Jensen’s brother Josh is coming to visit with his family, and Jensen also needs his brother, and the rest of his family, to be there for the special occasion. He can’t wait to see his brother again. Needless to say, all their friends are coming, including some of Jared’s buddies from college and coworkers from the clinic. Jensen knows it will be a day to remember.

They spend a great afternoon with everybody they love all in one place. Jensen is beyond happy with the fact his brother is there, he had arrived a day before and Jared and Jensen had invited Josh and his family for dinner at their place. Jensen had cooked them a nice meal and it had been an amazing night, Jensen and Josh had a lot to catch up on, Jensen fell in love with their son William, and the little boy had loved Jared as well. He had been curious to know what were those objects Jared was walking around with, and Jared had explained to him with all the patience in the world. It warmed his heart to see his boyfriend and his nephew getting along so well. Josh’s wife Melanie was also a sweetheart, she was really happy with finally meeting her brother-in-law, and the group talked for hours, getting to hear about each other’s lives and forming new and lasting connections. Jensen heart felt like it was two sizes bigger.

Now everyone is reunited in Chad’s backyard, Chris and Steve are taking care of the grill, Sherri and Donna had arrived earlier to take care of the rest of the food, and there is lots to drink. Jared is laughing and animatedly talking to everyone, he needs to sit down most of the time because standing up is still too tiring for him, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

After everybody gathers around the table to sing Happy Birthday to Jared and get their piece of cake, Chad cuts off the music, Jensen picks up his guitar, which he had brought with him, and stands up on the bench of the picnic table, calling for everyone’s attention. When all eyes are on him, he smiles.

“Sorry to interrupt the party, but it’s for a good reason. I’d like to ask you all to sit down for a while so I can do a little something.”

Everyone does as Jensen asks, Jared sits down on one of the chairs closer to Jensen, resting his crutches on the ground next to him. He looks at his boyfriend with a confused but expectant look on his face, specially eyeing the guitar in Jensen’s hand. Jensen gives Jared a small smile and a wink, his green eyes glimmering.

“Thanks guys. I wanted to have everyone here today not only for Jay’s birthday, but also because I wanted to share a special moment with you. I want you all to witness my love for someone, so right now, I’m going to sing a song to him. We have sang for each other a few times, but this one is extra special to me. I didn’t write this, but I think the lyrics convey a lot of things I want him to know. I made a few tiny changes to the song so it could fit our story even better, I hope the writer doesn’t mind, it’s for a good cause.”

Jensen grabs his guitar and sits on the table with his feet on the bench, he looks down at Jared and sees that his gaze is locked on him, surprised and pleased, expecting whatever his boyfriend has set up for him. Jensen lowers his head and smiles nervously, trying to compose himself so he can put in words all he wants to tell this man, who means so much to him. His fingers start softly playing the chords and his voice soon follows.

_When I had to live my life without you near me_   
_The days were all so empty_   
_The nights would seem so long_   
_With you I see forever, oh so clearly_   
_I had never been in love before_   
_And I never felt this strong_   
_Our dreams are young and we both know,_   
_they'll take us where we want to go_   
_Hold me now, touch me now_   
_I don't want to live without you_

Jensen looks into Jared’s shining eyes the entire time, his gaze not once wandering away. He tries to show Jared that he seriously means every word he’s singing.

_Nothing's gonna change my love for you_   
_You ought to know by now how much I love you_   
_One thing you can be sure of_   
_I'll never ask for more than your love_   
_Nothing's gonna change my love for you_   
_You ought to know by now how much I love you_   
_The world may change our whole lives through_   
_But nothing's gonna change my love for you_

Jensen emphasizes the world _Nothing_ while looking at Jared, to show his boyfriend how much he means it, to try and make him understand, once and for all, that there’s not a single thing in this universe that would make him love Jared less, that his love for Jared only grows each passing day. There are tears running down Jared’s face while he listens to Jensen sing, and Jensen himself can feel his own tears dampening his cheeks. At this moment the rest of the audience fades away, there’s nobody else but them, the only thing that exists is the deep connection between Jared and him.

_If the road ahead is not so easy_   
_Our love will lead a way for us_   
_Like a guiding star_   
_I'll be there for you if you should need me_   
_You don't have to change a thing_   
_I love you just the way you are_   
_So come with me and share the view,_   
_I'll help you see forever too_   
_Hold me now, touch me now_   
_I don't want to live without you_

As Jensen finishes the song, he places the guitar on the table and hurries towards Jared, who’s already struggling to get up. He gently presses a hand on Jared’s shoulder to make him sit down again, and kneels in front of him. There are rivers of tears running down his boyfriend’s face, which is filled with deep emotion, and Jensen is sure he’s mirroring that same expression right now. He swallows a few times, taking deep breaths trying to calm down enough to tell Jared what he has to say. He runs his thumbs over Jared’s cheeks, wiping away the tears, while he gives him his most sincere smile.

“Jared.” He starts, his voice already hoarse. “There’s not much to say. Actually, there’s so much to say that I could spend half of my life here, just telling you what you mean to me. But even if I did, I still wouldn’t be able to put it into words. There isn’t a word that describes what I feel for you and how blessed and thankful I am for finding you so many years ago, and then discovering you again. I don’t believe in coincidences, I believe in destiny. I believe some higher power put you on my path not once, but twice, because we were meant to find each other. And I’ll also be forever thankful that you weren’t taken from me right when I had found you again. I told you this already and I’ll tell you again. I don’t know if I’d have been able to keep living if you had been taken from me for good.”

Jensen’s voice falters and he lowers his head, resting it on Jared’s knees. More tears fall when he remembers how close he came to _really_ lose Jared. Jared apparently feels his boyfriend’s distress, and he gently runs a hand through his hair, placing both on the sides of Jensen’s face tilting his head up, making him look at Jared again. Jensen fights to compose himself so he can finish.

“You’re it for me, Jared. It’s either you in my life, or no life at all. I missed you so much all those years we were apart, and I never want to go through that again. I want you, every moment of everyday, I want you forever in my life until we’re both old and wrinkly. And after we’re dead, I want to spend the rest of eternity with you. So now, I want to ask you something.”

Jensen reaches into his pocket and comes out with a small velvet box. He hears Jared gasp, and when he looks at his boyfriend again, he can see his eyes widening, going from the box to Jensen’s face. Jensen opens the box to reveal a simple silver band, and Jared covers his mouth with both hands, Jensen can feel Jared holding his breath from where he’s kneeling.

“Jared, I love you more than words can say, I have loved you ever since I was 15 years old and you were just a boy, a beautiful boy with bright eyes that I always dreamed about. Now, after all these years and what we’ve been through, would you give me the highest of honors and marry me?”

More tears fall down Jared’s eyes, moistening his hands, and Jensen can feel him shaking. Slowly, Jared lowers his hands and places them again on Jensen’s face. Jared’s glistening hazel eyes lock on his as he finally speaks with a husky voice.

“I’ll answer this question for me, and also for that 11 year old boy who fell in love with Jack the first time he laid eyes on him, and he had no idea what it meant at the time. All my life Jensen, ever since that moment, has revolved around you. There wasn’t a single day I didn’t think of you, I didn’t dream of you. You made me see who I really was, and I was so scared. There were times I even hated you, but then I loved you a thousand times more. I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t love you. It’s like those first 11 years of my life were meaningless, and then you came along and put everything into focus. I missed you so much, that it made my heart physically ache.

“I used to pray for God to bring you into my life again, even for one day, so I could tell you how much you meant to me. But as you said, there aren’t words to express how I feel about you. I just can’t do it. I can’t begin to describe how thankful I am to get you back in my life. Whenever I say my prayers, I thank God for giving me you, my very own miracle. Because that’s what you are Jensen, you are my miracle. And not even for a second, for the rest of my life, will I take you for granted. I will be forever thankful for this blessing. So this answer is from me to you and from J.T. to Jack. Nothing in this world would make me happier than marrying you. My answer is yes, forever and always, yes.”

Jensen smiles so brightly he feels like his face might split in two. He takes the band out of the box and puts it on Jared’s finger, as Jared does the same with the one Jensen gives him. Then he places his arms around Jared’s waist and stands up, bringing Jared with him, supporting his weight as Jared places his own arms around his neck. Their lips finally clash together, both trying to say without words this time what they are feeling. Their kiss tastes salty from the many tears that are falling, and as they hug tight, they whisper _I love you_ over and over into each other’s ears.

After what seems like hours, the world comes back into focus, they can hear cheering, people coming closer, and they finally remember they are not alone, as the spell is broken. They break apart but only a little, since Jensen is still supporting Jared. Their family and friends are all around them, wanting to congratulate the fiancés, and Chad is quick to hand Jared his crutches so he can stand up on his own. Jared and Jensen hug everybody, there isn’t a dry eye in the place, their speeches having made everyone emotional. Jensen knows that this is one of the happiest days of his life. Now he wonders if their wedding day could possibly top that.

But Jensen realizes that he doesn’t care, actually. Every day he has Jared by his side, will be the happiest day of his life.

_July 28th, 2007_

_I’m going to marry the boy with blue hair._

 


	23. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I comissioned amazing Kamidiox for the art you'll see in the end of this chapter. It was something I really wanted and she captured it perfectly! Couldn't be more perfect!

**9 months later**

It’s the perfect day for a wedding at Camp Water Mill, the sun is shining, as though to bless the happy couple, it’s getting warmer but not too much. Jared looks out of the window of the cabin he is getting ready in, and smiles. If he looks to the right, he can see the exact spot he saw Jensen for the first time, all those years ago. Looking back, he can’t believe they are here today. It’s like a dream come true.

Their lives went on after Jensen proposed to Jared. His boyfriend had taken Jared totally by surprise, he had never expected it, specially after having shamefully feeling unsure of himself and if he really deserved Jensen to stay with him. Then his boyfriend - now fiance, and soon to be husband - proved him wrong once again, to Jared’s happiness. They had their private celebration after returning home. At first, there was more crying as they held each other tight. Then the celebration had moved to their bedroom, and neither of them got much sleep that night. Jared smiles at the memory and blushes faintly.

In the months that followed, Jared had eventually became comfortable with only one crutch and had learned to get around just fine with it, which gives him much more freedom - plus he gets to hold Jensen’s hand as they walk. He still keeps two, and even his wheelchair just in case, specially for long periods of walking around. As he had told Jensen, he really is fine with it, he’s independent, can do pretty much everything and go all the places he used to, it might only take a little more time. He also needs aid to stay upright even when he isn’t walking and that’s okay too, specially when it’s Jensen’s arms around him. Then, he’s _really_ okay with it.

Jensen is also making progress. He started community college last fall, and is currently taking specialized classes to get a license in Automotive Service Technology. Turns out Jensen has a passion for cars and wanted to go back to studying, and just last month he got a job at a garage. Jared can see how Jensen is proud of himself, and Jared is so proud of him he could burst. It’s awesome to see his fiance doing something he loves. And of course, he continues as the lead singer of Raising Kane and they are gaining popularity as a successful local band, everyone loves to see Jensen sing, and Jared never misses a gig.

Regarding Stephen, he had gone to trial some months ago. As predicted, Jared was called to testify, and Jensen, Chris and Chad were also called to tell what they witnessed, but of course Jared’s was the most important testimony. Jensen had driven them to the court, and when Jared was called to speak, he had a moment of panic when he saw Stephen. The man was seated in front of him, with a lawyer by his side, a smug smirk on his face. When the prosecutor started asking questions, Jared couldn’t find his voice, but one look at Jensen in the audience, and seeing the encouraging smile on his face, made Jared feel quietly confident. He firmly stated everything that happened, including what Stephen forced him to do, and the jury was shown the video to prove it was the truth. The prosecutor had asked Jared if the fact that he was walking with a crutch had anything to do with what happened to him.

“Yes, due to the heavy beating I suffered and for being thrown out of a moving car, I was left with an incomplete spinal cord injury, leading to partial paralysis in my legs. I also needed brain surgery to treat an edema” Jared had answered the woman. By this point, Stephen didn’t seem quite so sure about his destiny anymore as he kept whispering to his lawyer.

“And that is a permanent condition? Do you have a medical record to prove it?” The prosecutor asked.

Jared did, and he had told her he brought it with him to be added to the case. Jared knew the woman was already aware of it, but she was obviously asking those question for the jury. There was no way to save Stephen, and much to Jared’s relief, he was convicted to 6 years in prison. Jared wished it was more, but at least the man was not declared innocent and was gonna pay for his crimes.

A little more than a month ago though, Jared had received a call from Officer Morgan. The officer had told him it was an unofficial call, they had gotten news at the station that there had been an uprising in the prison Stephen was being held in, and that he was killed. Morgan said there was a rumor that he had refused to be someone’s bitch, and the guy had stabbed him during the uproar. Jared knew he shouldn’t feel that way, but he was relieved for Stephen’s death. Now they didn’t have to worry about what would happen to them when the man was released from prison. Karma is really a bitch and Stephen really got what he deserved.

As for their wedding plans, Sherri and Donna had decided to take care of everything. Jared knows they were trying to make up for what they did in the past, and Jared is more than happy that they got so involved in planning the celebration, and even became friends, things really do change. Jensen was the one who came up with the idea of having the wedding at the camp. He had told Jared he did some research and found out the place still existed. They contacted the owners and they were thrilled to rent the place for the ceremony.

The boys had made the drive to the camp to visit it and see where they could hold the event. It had been an extremely emotional day for both of them, stepping foot onto the place they first met, years ago. A place that held so many memories and meant so much for them. Jared had cried when he remembered the last time he was there. He had been sure he wasn’t returning the following year, and if he ever did come back, it would be only in a dream where ‘Jack’ was with him. Realizing it had come true, they were both here again and they were going to exchange vows here, was more than Jared could handle.

Jared and Jensen had looked around and taken notes, to list where everything should be. Their mothers had wanted to come along, but Jared and Jensen wanted to have this moment just for themselves. They spent the rest of the afternoon walking around the camp, visiting the places that hold so many memories. Neither had said much, they only held each other’s hands tightly. There weren’t many words to express what going back to the camp meant to them, it was their sacred place.

There’s a knock on the door and Jared is brought back to the present. His brother is there to check on him.

“How are you doing here? Feeling like throwing up already?” Jeff teases him as he helps Jared wrestle with his tie.

“Almost.” Jared gives Jeff a tentative smile. “Look Jeff, I hope you’re okay with the best man thing.”

Jeff brushes him off. “It’s fine, kiddo. I understand and respect your choice and I am just happy to be here”

Both of their brothers had traveled to the wedding. But while Jensen had promptly asked Josh to be his best man, Jared didn’t follow him. He loved Jeff, and their relationship had progressed a lot over the past few months, but Jared couldn’t have anyone to serve as his best man but Chad. He had been Jared’s best friend through it all, he had supported Jared in everything, especially when he told his friend he was gay and in love with Jensen. He had given up his apartment so that Jared could give Jensen shelter and have the chance to start their lives together by themselves, had kept Jared company when he was recovering and Jensen had to work, and his friendship and loyalty never faltered. He had explained all of this to Jeff, who had understood and was more than happy with his role as groomsman. He joked that he was the tallest and best looking anyway. Chad had called Jared a sap when he asked his friend to be his best man, but Jared could see that he was privately thrilled, and he was beaming when he replied with a ‘hell yeah’.

Josh also checks up on him, bringing little William, who will be the ring bearer. Josh’s present to them had been their honeymoon trip. Jared and Jensen will be spending a week in London, followed by a weekend in Manchester of course, to visit Josh and his family. Jared is very excited about it.

When Sherri announces it’s time, Jared’s heart starts beating fast, he grabs his crutch and adjusts the cuff on his forearm so it won’t wrinkle the sleeve of his tux jacket, gripping the handle tight as he slowly stands up, fixing his tux. Sherri smiles up at him, placing a kiss on Jared’s cheek.

“Time to go get your man, J.T.”

When Jared first sees Jensen at the makeshift altar, in a tux identical to his, with the sun starting to set behind him, his eyes water. His fiance looks gorgeous, with the tips of his hair dyed blue. Jared’s own hair has a blue lock as well. They had talked about it, agreeing that it would serve as their something blue since it holds a special meaning to them. They are also wearing matching blue ties.

When Jared starts to slowly walk down the aisle, it feels like walking towards a dream. There’s nobody there, but Jensen and his beautiful smile. Jared remembers the day when he looked out the window and saw Jack getting off the bus, and when he was sorted into his team right here, in the field they are standing on right now. So much has happened between then and now, but here he is, walking into his future with Jensen. When they arrive, Jensen approaches Jared and takes his hand, standing on his tiptoes to place a gentle kiss on his forehead.

“You look beautiful.” Jensen whispers so that only Jared can hear. Jared smiles at him and they climb the steps to the altar together.

The ceremony is very traditional, as they both requested. They want to show their love for each other in every possible way, and it’s a very emotional moment for everyone there. When the priest announces it’s time to say the vows, Jensen goes first. They hadn’t shared anything with each other regarding their vows, what they were thinking about writing, both of them wanted it to be a surprise.

Josh hands Jensen the paper with his vows, and as he turns back to Jared.

“Jared. I tried to come up with so many things to say, but as you already know, nothing that I tell you will be enough to show how much I love you and how much you mean to me. So instead of writing a vow, I cheated. I read this quote in a very special place and I thought I should read it to you now.”

Jensen clears his throat and steps closer to Jared, touching his hand as he reads it, his eyes never leaving his fiance as he has pretty much memorized the words.

“ _Some say every night is a night of dreams. Others assure us that not all nights are of dreams, only summer nights. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. What is important is not the night itself but the dreams. Dreams that one can always dream, everywhere, in all seasons, asleep or awake._

“Jared, you’ve been my dream ever since I was 15 years old. And then you became my reality. Now we’ll finally have our happily ever after, the one we’ve been dreaming so much about for so long and I can’t wait for it to start.”

Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand as he finishes, resisting the urge to kiss him right now. Jared is looking at him with shining, wet eyes and a knowing smile on his face. He knows exactly where Jensen read this quote, and he can’t believe he did that.

Chad hands Jared his own paper, but he only takes it to be safe, since he also pretty much memorized what he has to say.

“Well, first of all, I’m gonna have to hide that notebook in a safer place.” Jared starts with a smirk on his face as Jensen blushes. “But I’ll let you know we had the same idea. I also couldn’t find the right words to say to you, so I chose a poem that I hope it conveys at least a tiny bit, how much you mean to me. So, here it goes.

_“I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart. I am never without it, anywhere I go you go my dear, and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling. I fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet. I want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true. And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you. Here is the deepest secret nobody knows, here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud, and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide. And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart. I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart.”_

Neither of them say anything else, they only look at each other after Jared’s finished, sharing this moment, silent tears falling from their eyes. The moment is only broken when the priest comes closer and clears his throat to get their attention.

“Jensen Ross Ackles, do you take Jared Tristan Padalecki to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and health, to love and honor, in good times and woe, for richer or poorer, keeping yourself solely unto him for as long as you both shall live?”

Jensen holds Jared’s hand and stares deeply into his eyes as he answers, his voice hoarse.

“I do.”

The priest smiles and turns to Jared.

“Jared Tristan Padalecki, do you take Jensen Ross Ackles to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and health, to love and honor, in good times and woe, for richer or poorer, keeping yourself solely unto him for as long as you both shall live?”

Jared’s mind travels back to 14 years ago, when a little boy first saw a boy with blue hair in this very same place, and he had no idea that the boy would become his whole existence. He couldn’t imagine how that boy would change every aspect of him, and that missing him would become a part of Jared’s life. Little did he know back then that boy would visit his dreams every night from then on. And on those nights that he missed him so much, not even in his best dreams he would imagine being here today, in front of his soulmate, the person who taught him everything he knows about love, ready to become everything he ever wanted, but never thought he could have. Reality turned out to be the best dream he ever had.

Jared tries to find his voice to answer the most important question of his life.

“I do.”

Jared and Jensen share another special look between them, taking it all in, before the priest is asking for the rings.

Jensen puts the ring on Jared’s finger. They chose platinum bands with a full circle of round sapphires. It’s another part of their ‘something blue’, the one that will stay with them forever.

Once Jensen is done, he places a kiss on Jared’s band, and Jared does the same with Jensen’s ring.

The priest waits for them to share their moment before making the final announcement. He addresses both men and everyone else as he speaks.

“By the authority vested in me by the State of Texas, I now pronounce you husbands. You may now kiss.”

Jensen places his trembling hands on Jared’s face and gently presses his lips against his husband’s. Everyone stands up and starts clapping and hooting, and both men smile into the kiss. Everything they ever wanted, now they have it, and it’s finally official. Jensen puts an arm around Jared’s shoulders and presses himself against the other man, as they turn to everyone with smiles as huge as the sun that is setting behind them.

Before walking down the aisle together, Jensen wraps an arm around Jared’s waist, allowing his husband to put all his weight on him, grabbing his crutch and handing it to Chad. Jared and Jensen slowly make their way down the aisle together, with eyes only for each other. When they reach the end, everyone gathers around them and Jensen takes Jared in his arms, hugging him tight, sharing one more special moment only between them. There will be enough time for everyone else at the party, but this is just them, their small piece of happiness.

The reception happens on the other side of the field. Everything looks beautiful and Jared has to give it to their mothers who did an awesome job decorating. After the ceremony Jared and Jensen go with the photographer to take photos around the camp. Jared is sure this will be an amazing memory in the future, and very symbolic as well.

Everyone is currently having dinner, the husbands are sitting side by side at the main table. There’s a small stage and a dance floor to their right, and Raising Kane is supposed to start playing soon, minus Jensen of course who is currently unavailable. Rob Benedict, Jensen’s ex roommate from the clinic is doing the honors as lead singer. They had become good friends when they roomed together and continued to go to the Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Jensen had found out Rob used to have a band, so he not only invited him to the wedding, he had asked Rob if he wanted to sing at the reception. He got along just fine with Chris, who he already knew, and Steve. Jared is curious to see what they are gonna do.

The speeches start, with Josh, Chad and the other groomsmen. Even Jared’s father speaks, which leaves the man very happy. Over the past months, his family has gotten to know Jensen better, and all that hate has been left behind. Jensen has also made huge progress with his own mother.

When the speeches are over, Jensen stands up from their table, and holds out a hand for Jared. With a frown, Jared reaches for his crutch and gets up as well. Jensen places a hand on the small of Jared’s back and guides him away from the table to the middle of the dance floor. Jensen makes a motion for Jared to stay put as he quickly walks to the stage and grabs a mic, returning to Jared’s side. Jared is staring at him with wide eyes, silently asking what the hell is he doing. Jensen smiles at him and brings the mic to his mouth.

“Today is a very special day. Many years ago, in this same camp, there was a dance. I remember dancing pretty much with all the girls that night, but there was only one person I really wanted to dance with, and I happen to know now he had wanted to dance with me, too. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to do it that night, but here’s the thing, Jay... I’m saving the last dance for you.”

Jensen lowers the mic as Jared starts blushing and stuttering. They hadn’t said anything about dancing and Jared just assumed they wouldn’t do it due to Jared’s condition.

“Jen, I-- you know I can’t, why are…” But Jared’s words get lost when Jensen presses his lips against his husband’s.

“Trust me.” Jensen whispers against his lips, and as they break apart a few inches, Jared can see Chad approaching them. Jensen hands him the mic, and places his arms around Jared’s waist as Chad grabs his crutch, as usual, and walks away. Jared starts to protest but he’s stopped by Jensen pressing his whole body against his, holding on tight, and Jared has no other choice but to wrap his arms around his husband’s neck. He’s a little unsure and self-conscious, knowing everyone is watching them, as he whispers in Jensen’s ear.

“Don’t let me fall.”

Jared can feel Jensen’s smile against his neck as he answers and the band starts playing, Jensen moving both of them slowly from side to side.

“I’ve got you.”

 _The strands in your eyes_  
_That color them wonderful_  
_Stop me and steal my breath_  
_And emeralds from mountains_  
_Thrust towards the sky_  
_Never revealing their depth_

Jared remembers that night so vividly. He remembers being so uncoordinated, dancing with the girl in front of him, but he only had eyes for Jensen. All the girls wanted to dance with him, and that was the first time Jared thought there was something wrong with himself, because he wanted to as well, but he was no girl. He had wanted that so much and here they are now, 14 years later, finally having their dance.

 _And tell me that we belong together_  
_Dress it up with the trappings of love_  
_I'll be captivated; I'll hang from your lips_  
_Instead of the gallows of heartache_  
_That hangs from above_

 _I'll be your crying shoulder_  
_I'll be love's suicide_  
_I'll be better when I'm older_  
_I'll be the greatest fan of your life_

Jensen presses him closer and they move in sync, Jensen’s arms holding him tight and bearing Jared’s weight. His husband has been nothing but amazing for the last months, always by Jared’s side during his recovery and bringing his mood back up when it started to go down. Jensen carries him and Jared carries Jensen, and that’s how it’s always gonna be.

 _Rain falls angry on the tin roof_  
_As we lie awake in my bed_  
_And you're my survival_  
_You're my living proof_  
_My love is alive and not dead_

 _And tell me that we belong together_  
_Dress it up with the trappings of love_  
_I'll be captivated; I'll hang from your lips_  
_Instead of the gallows of heartache_  
_That hangs from above_

Jared knows there are people all around them watching now, but it doesn’t matter. The only thing that’s important is the man holding him right now, and the moment they are sharing. Jensen beams at him, his eyes so bright, and Jared can’t stop a tear that falls down his face. Jensen leans over and kisses the tear away, as they continue to dance together to the end of the song.

 _And I've dropped out, I've burned up_  
_I fought my way back from the dead_  
_Tuned in, turned on_  
_Remembered the thing that you said_

Everyone claps, and when another song follows, other guests join them on the dance floor. Soon after Jared’s legs start to falter so Jensen walks him to an empty table, an arm firmly around his husband’s waist. Both of them sit down and watch, hand in hand, their guest having fun dancing to the band.

Jared leans closer to Jensen, his smile making dimples pop in and out, and quietly sings in his ear the song that is being played now, holding his hand tighter.

_“And I can't believe that I'm your man, And I get to kiss you baby just because I can. Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through, And you know that's what our love can do._

_And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times, It's you, it's you, you make me sing, You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.”_

It’s past 2 am and all the guests are already in their cabins, ready to turn in for the night after a great party. Jared and Jensen had quickly visited their own cabin, all prepared for their night together, but they didn’t stay long, there will be time for that later. They only changed into more comfortable clothes, Jared grabbed a flashlight and Jensen, a blanket.

Both of them silently walk towards the old basketball court, making their way around to the back of it. Jensen spreads the blanket on the ground and helps Jared sit down on it, joining his husband right after. They lie down side by side, lacing their fingers together, watching the stars. It’s a beautiful cloudless night, and there are countless constellations. In 14 years, Jared has never witnessed such a beautiful sky as the one here.

“Never stopped being amazing.” He whispers, turning his head to look into his husband’s eyes. The green in it reflects the stars, and there’s only one thing that’s more beautiful than the sky. Fourteen years separate the last time that Jared and Jensen were here, but one thing never changed, it only grew stronger. Jared thinks back to that night, and he can’t believe everything that has happened since then. For him, Jack had been a beautiful dream that would never come true. Jared knew he would never forget that blue-haired boy, who taught him everything about love. Jensen was thrown back into his life without warning, and even when Jared didn’t know his identity, he loved him just the same, even with all his flaws. So many things have happened between them, and Jared now truly believes in soulmates, because Jensen is clearly his. There was never anyone else and there never will be, as long as Jared lives and no doubt after.

Jared leans over and plants a lingering kiss on Jensen’s plush mouth. Jensen smiles into his lips, and when they break apart, both of them stare deeply at each other for a long time, wordlessly, before looking up again. The best things in life are the ones words can’t express.

Of course it won’t always be this easy, life never is. But as long as Jensen is within arms reach, everything will be alright. Jared has prayed, every night, for God to give Jensen back to him, and as he promised, he has never asked for anything else since then. Every night, instead, Jared says thank you. For one more day that he has Jensen by his side, and never, even if they live a thousand years, will Jared take Jensen for granted. It’s their own miracle and own fairytale. The ending isn’t perfect like in the books because life isn’t perfect. But as long as they are together, it will be happy ever after.

_April 19th, 2008_

_Thank you for the honor of being your husband and for loving me._  
_That is my greatest gift. My biggest love, and finally not a secret anymore._  
_My heart is forever yours._

 _“Time has brought your heart to me_  
_I have loved you for a thousand years_  
_I'll love you for a thousand more.”_

 

**The End**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for this fic came to me more than one year ago, even before my last big bang was posted (funny story, I was outlining this one while the fics were being claimed by artists). The story of this fic is the most important thing I've ever written because it's very personal, based on an event that happened in my real life. A couple years ago or so, I made a post on Tumblr sharing my story, about how I met a special boy when I went to summer camp at 11 years old, and never forgot about him. A couple people told me that it would make an amazing fanfic, and that thought stayed with me. I’ve been thinking about turning it into J2 since then, but it had to be pretty damn good for me to write it. I even considered writing a ficlet, but gave up on it, it had to be a big story. So last year, I came to my Wifey and told her about this idea for a fic, a young Jared meeting Jensen at a camp and falling in love with him. We both did some brainstorming to create a good story with a strong plot, specially to what should happen to the boys after they grew up. So I’ve been dedicating myself to this story for the past year, making it as special as it needs to be because it means the world to me. I wanted to write a story where the boys loved only each other for their whole lives. This is my love letter for Jared and Jensen.
> 
> So now, I want to thank a few people:
> 
> First of all, I would like to thank my Wifey [Karri](http://buticancarryyou.tumblr.com) , who was the first person to hear about this, who gave me amazing ideas that made the story much better, who was always there to help me when I needed it, for cheering me up through it all, for becoming my second beta in the end even though it wasn't planned for this one, giving her 'okay' for the story to be posted and simply for being there from the first idea to "the end". This story wouldn’t exist without you, thank you for another partnership.  
> [Sarah](http://patchworkgirlfriend.tumblr.com/), for saving me a lot of research time, helping me specially in the technical aspects (I won’t get into details as not to spoil it), providing me with accurate informations so I could be as real as possible in what I was gonna write. Also [Heather](http://sammichgirl.tumblr.com), for helping me as well, cheering me up through it all and for being the first person to read it and give me feedback, telling me it didn’t suck.  
> [Kaz](http://lipglosskaz.tumblr.com/) , for being an awesome beta, making suggestion and additions to make the story even better. Thank you so much for agreeing to do this and for the hard work!.  
> My amazing artist [2blueshoes](http://2blueshoes.livejournal.com) for choosing my story and creating incredible art for it that made me emotional. Thank you for giving life to my words.  
> [wendy](http://wendy.livejournal.com/) for hosting this challenge one more year, thank you for the hard work and the opportunity.
> 
> Any inaccuracies you might find in this story are my own fault. I took some poetic licenses here and there so I could make the story the way I wanted. Some scenes you read here, from the camp part to be specific, were based on events that happened in real life, about 16 years ago. Others were created or modified by me so Jared and Jensen could have their own original story. And of course, apart from the camp, the rest of the fic is completely fictional, not being based on real life events.
> 
> PS 1: I borrowed the name of the camp from the real one that I went to, I just translated it. The bar Fitzsimons really exists, but the original one is situated in Dublin, Ireland and it’s called Fitzsimons of Temple Bar. I lived there for a period of my life and I used to hang out at Fitz.
> 
> PS 2: The original title of this fic was As Long As You Love Me, from the Backstreet Boys song, which I love. After thinking a lot and coming up with some options, I chose a new one, which sums up the story perfectly. But I still used the original title and other parts of the song as the titles for the three parts of the story.
> 
> So anyway, I wrote this story mainly because I wanted to give my own story a happy ending, in the ways I could. So _The Love That Remains_ is dedicated to the person who inspired it in the first place. I haven’t seen him in more than 16 years, I’m sure he’s happy somewhere out there, but to this day, a part of him remains with me, and forever will.
> 
> Wherever you are, this one is for you, R. Thank you for noticing me and for the hug in the porch. I still hope I can bump into you someday and give the real story a continuation as well.
> 
> *All the feedback is very much appreciated! I'd love to hear your thoughts about this story!*


	24. Soundtrack cover

Listen to soundtrack [here](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2F8tracks.com%2Flullys%2Fthe-love-that-remains-soundtrack&t=YzkyMGNlY2FjMTIxYjZiN2JhMDA4YjgyNWE4ZjRmM2ExN2M3MGM3MSx3cXlrRFNqTA%3D%3D)


End file.
